Feeling so defeated by my first failed FET and feeling like it's never going to happen for me. Can't shake off feeling so low no matter how much I try to distract myself. Feeling isolated as nobody around me seems to understand how painful it is.
Not sure if it's normal (?) but I just seem to burst into tears randomly throughout the day. I can't even talk to people about it and choke up when they ask me how's the ivf going. I think about ivf every second of the day. Somebody please tell me this is normal!? Finding myself fighting back the tears. It's hard to understand why it failed when everything was stacked in our favour. My OH just does not understand AT ALL as he already has two children. Feel isolated because when I need to talk about it, I can't.
I'm so fearful another ET will fail and how I'll cope if it does. The waiting I'm this journey is a killer. Trying to think what I couldve done differently or better. Please tell me second time around is easier?
Written by
Jessy1280
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
I’m so sorry for your pain and how you’re coping. It’s the worst feeling in the world, it’s so hard. It’s the biggest emotional rollercoaster ever and I super think the first defeat is the hardest. It’s heart breaking and you do feel so alone no matter what situation you’re in. Honestly it’s seriously so life and time consuming it is all you can ever think about it’s so normal. It’s the pressure of everything and it just feels for nothing. So sorry for
You darling. I’ve only ever had 2 fresh - first was an absolute failure no blastocysts and nothing to freeze and a second fresh so I don’t know about frozen but I do know we’re all here for you and you’re not alone. Thinking of you Hun xxx
Hi, I’m so sorry to hear about your failed cycle. I found my first failed cycle with ivf the hardest to pick myself up from. Looking back I think it was because I was so hopeful I was doing something that could give me my baby and I believed this was it! After all the changed to diet I made, all the books I read I remember really believing this was it and why wouldn’t you. For some people it is but When it failed I sobbed and sobbed. Most people knew I was going through my first cycle of ivf so I then had to tell everyone it had not worked. Give yourself time and it will get easier, you will find the strength to carry on with the journey because it is your dream and you won’t want to give it up. You will cope doing a second cycle, there will be things you do different to protect your feelings e.g informing less people of the cycle , having plan b in place. For now give yourself however long you need until you are ready to go again which you will be. Remember it only takes that one time x x x
I’m so sorry to hear that. I just found out my first cycle failed yesterday and i feel the same way. It really is so hard because people who haven’t gone through it really can’t understand how devastating it is. You’re not alone in this though. It’s ok to be upset right now and take the time you need to heal. Hoping and praying that things work out for you going forward xx.
I am so sorry you are struggling - I agree with the others that the first time fail is definitely the most crushing, I lost the plot a bit, I was so upset and was so angry with my OH who sort of shrugged his shoulders and said something about it being a miracle if it had worked first time. I hated work, I hated pregnant women etc
The only way I could deal with it after about a week of crying was to try again straight away and feel like I was doing something positive. Ttc has really taken over my life now but I would say it does get easier every day. Just take time to grieve for what might have been but then remember you have as good a chance as any of it working next time. Sending hugs xx
It’s so so hard and nothing can prepare you for the avalanche of emotions you experienced after a failed cycle. I felt exactly the same when our first cycle failed and I swear it’s a form of depression because for a long time I just had no strength and even getting out of bed took so much willpower. On a daily basis I would go from crying (either because of some kind of trigger - seeing a pregnant lady, seeing a family with a baby, an advert on telly referring pregnancy - or for no reason whatsoever!), to feeling totally numb and hopeless, and no amount of self-care would make me feel better. I had a total identity crisis and started questioning everything I done in life which I could see had led me to that situation. I just couldn’t see a way forward that didn’t involve so much effort and pain for something I’d always been told/led to believe was easy, a future I could never even have imagined before starting IVF but it was all I could think about.
It’s totally & completely normal - you are not going mad. Have a failed cycle is akin to a bereavement - you’re grieving the loss of the future you’d imagined for yourself and the loss of what could have so easily been if luck had just been on your side. You have suffered a hugely traumatic event and you now have wounds from that - you have to allow yourself time to heal as you would do from any injury and allow yourself to feel & process all of these emotions which are coming up. Do not try and force them down because they will only show up in other ways at the most unexpected times and knock you off balance.
If you haven’t already I would highly recommend seeing a counsellor to help you work through this. I started seeing someone privately every week from the time my first cycle failed and she’s supported me through our second cycle and second BFN. It’s truly been a lifesaver. Also, what about one of the support groups Fertility Network run - there are groups all round the country who organise meet ups so if there is one near you maybe something to consider when you’re feeling a little stronger. Communities like ItAliceRose on IG/FB also help you to understand what you’re feeling and that it’s entirely normal. They’re doing a meet up at the end of August in London which sounds like a great day of support (i’m on hols otherwise would have definitely been there)
I promise this pain will get easier with time, it’s difficult to say how long it will take because everyone is different but one day you will wake up and it won’t be the first thing you think about. Until then, put yourself 100% first and only do things that make you feel better - you have to let your emotional wounds heal and should not be forced into triggering situations because that will only set you back. I cancelled a lot of plans and social events around this time and me and hubby booked a long weekend away just to escape from real life for a bit, reconnect and find some headspace to properly talk about what happened. If your husband is finding it hard to talk or understand how you’re feeling then maybe share some of the IG accounts with him - there’s one called infertiliybloke which does try and find the black humour in all of this but also at least acknowledges all the shit from a blokes perspective. Or would he come with you to a counselling appointment so he can see that your feelings are totally valid ? More than anything you need his understanding and support, otherwise this is going to become a very lonely experience for the both of you. Partners supporting ladies through ivf experience their own challenges and you have to be on the same page as much as possible - that’s so important.
Sorry for the long post but I have been in your position so I know just how painful and lonely it can be. If you do decide to try and second time, it’s easier in that you know more what to expect from the process generally, even if the doctors do make adjustments to your treatment. You don’t have the apprehension about the physical bits, injections, EC etc because you’ve done it all before, so that does take the stress away on one level. However I won’t pretend it’s all plain sailing just because it’s second time around - we experienced different hurdles just getting to ET and then ours didn’t work a second time and we still don’t really have any explanation of why. So the pain is still 100% there this time around. I almost didn’t want to do the pee test because I was so terrified of feeling like I did before.
However, what I know now it that I am strong enough to get through the pain and I can piece myself back together even though I feel totally broken, again. I’ve done it once before and so I can do it again, and you will be able to as well. It will take time and you have to give yourself permission to take all the time you need. Yes I’ve had to distance myself from certain friends and family who just don’t get it but, right now, that’s what I need and I really couldn’t care less if some friends think i’m being distant, that’s not my problem. I took the decision to be quite open with people about what we were going through and on one side that had meant a good support network but also you’ll be amazed at just how many people have no frame of reference for this situation whatsoever and can’t even find the right thing to say to you. Either let them be (it’s not their fault they’ve not experienced such pain in their lives) or take the chance to educate, if you feel ok to do so. Ultimately, you always have a space here to rant and vent without judgment.
Be kind to yourself today, just take it one day, or even one hour at a time and you will get through this. It will change you fundamentally as a person as the emotional wounds do leave invisible scars but you will find your resilience to pick yourself up and think about trying again soon xxxxx
ps I also get you might be feeling resentment and bitterness towards your hubby as he has kids and that can make you feel like ‘how can he understand how i’m feeling, he’s in a different position to me’. Again I think that’s a totally normal reaction. I had an awful period of time where I started resenting my husband for having cancer which is why were even having IVF in the first place (!?! how fucked up is that!). I’d convinced myself that because there it nothing wrong with me as far as anyone can tell, I’ve basically brought this on myself because I fell in love and married a guy who is infertile....totally crazy. My counsellor helped me work through this and that I wasn’t being a total bitch but these were really normal stories for my mind to tell myself in response to a traumatic situation. I now realise that, even if he hadn’t had cancer, we could still have been in this exact position due to unexplained infertility regardless! So those feelings of resentment were totally illogical but I just couldn’t see it at the time - that’s what trauma/anxiety do to your brain, it’s scary really. I have to be thankful that we have the ability to access treatment which means having a family is even an possibly option for us, the same advances in medical treatment which means I even have a husband in the first place quite frankly. It’s hard to see when you’re in the depths of despair but you really have to try and find things in your life already to be grateful for when you can xx
BFNs are heartbreaking, I’ve had 3 failed FETs now and I do think the first was the hardest, everything seemed so positive going into it and I just assumed it would work. Looking back now I realise I was naive and as my doctors pointed out there is only 20% chance of it working but the more goes you have the more your odds increase. Bursting into tears is definitely completely normal and I did a lot of that. The only thing that really helps I think is time, also seeing the doctors for a follow up appointment if you are able to get that booked. This forum is also amazing and full of people who completely get it and are here to make you feel less alone. Sending you s huge hug xx
Hi Jessy1280,
This is the 1 place where we all understand exactly how you are feeling.I had a failed cycle last October and I cried buckets.😭😭😭😭Nurture yourself as much as you can.Big hugs from all of us here.🤗
Thank you all so much for taking the time to write replies and sharing your own private experiences. I suppose I am just venting as I feel so alone. I realise I'm not the first person to go through this heartbreak. It's just a great place to talk to people who understand and who can validate my feelings and that I'm not being OTT.
A little part of me hoped that it would work first time. All my blood tests were normal, naturally high amh, all my scans normal, my lining bang on, 18 eggs, 16, mature, 13 fertilised (way over the 50% they hope for) but then I developed OHSS and had to freeze all. This was the first set back and hard to deal with. Second set back, only 3 of 13 made it to day 5 but still I was hopeful as they were graded 4AB, 4-5BA and hatching, 4BB.
Even though I knew it had failed early on, I have a hard time understanding why it failed. My 4AB was used with assisted hatching, it inflated as normal during thawing before FET. Embryo glue was used. Starting to question is there actually something wrong with me or my uterus, why didn't it take. It made it harder because they gave me a scan pic following my ET and I could see my little ball of cells floating there. It was already mine, my potential baby. Its literally broken my heart.
I don't resent my OH but I hate that he doesn't even try to understand. I'm lucky that we could still conceive naturally should his motility improve following VR. Its now been 11 months since his VR. So whilst his motility improves, my fertility is in decline at nearly 39.
It's been a long 6 months even for get to my first FET because of my freeze all situation. There were times my anxiety was so bad, I started to develop panic attacks and became paranoid about my partner. It started to affect my work too when previously I had always been the most reliable, conscientious and super punctual person.
I know I can never give up my dream no matter how long it takes but it certainly takes its toll doesn't it? I wonder if I'll ever see that bfp. I'm scared to set myself up for a fall. Fortunately I've an appointment as soon as tomorrow with the clinic tomorrow for my next plan. I find this helps me cope if I feel I'm doing something... if that makes sense. In my head I have a plan in place. A complete overhaul of my diet, acupuncture, actual rest after next ET (I didn't rest at all last time and carried on as normal doing mental housework, shopping, work etc). I'm going to plead for a fresh cycle, I want to use ISMI to hopefully stop me losing so many embryos at day 5, plead for endometrial scratch, 2 transferred and clarify that they defo use embryo glue on everyone.
I'm up against it a bit because all my results from tests and scans are so awesome they're reluctant to do anything, they refused to transfer two last time or do anything as they just think it'll happen. I don't have any fertility issues like some ladies. It's infuriating in a way as I feel like they're wasting precious time and money. I have til May to use all three cycles.
I'm just very much looking forward to tomorrows appointment. It keeps me going and at least then I have my next plan of attack in place.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the replies. You guys keep me going... And sane 😂.
Wishing you all the very best of luck with your journeys. We all deserve this 🤗. Love, light and baby dust! 😘 🤗 🌈 Xx
I hear you so much and relate to everything you say in this post. It’s truly a feeling of utter disbelief when you are going every bloody thing possible to make this work, and it still fails. It’s a bad dream that you can’t wake up from.
Remember that embryo grading gives no indication of chromosomal abnormalities which, general stats suggest that around 70% of all embryos created (whether naturally or via ivf) are - we just don’t ever hear that kind of stat officially reported because it’s impossible to verify when most people who are ttc naturally don’t ever know they’ve conceived because they lose the embryo before implantation and just experience a normal period. The difference with us is that we know there was an embryo there, seeing the photo and watching it be placed inside you all add to the feeling of this is real, this is happening and cruelly gives you that hope that this could be the one.
The only thing to hold on is like with any game of chance, the more you do something the better your odds get and that’s what our doctors are telling us at the moment (unless something does get uncovered in the future but you can only work with the facts you know right now). I so wish I had a crystal ball or that someone could tell me just how many rounds of this we’re going to need to do to get our baby, I still believe we will get there but it’s the not knowing when it will all end that’s incredibly hard to deal with as you just don’t know how to pace yourself and just how much pain you’re going to have to go through to get there xx
Huge huge hugs. Good luck for your appointment and lots of us get the age thing too - there are a lot of people on here who feel the clock is ticking.
If I can give you one tip for the fertility journey is that so much of it is luck, and some of the best embryos might fail but some of the worst might succeed, there doesnt seem to be any logic to it.. but the WORST thing you can do is think negative and what if about things never happening, because it will break you before you even start. You just have to park that worry otherwise it will eat you up. it WILL work for you, cycles generally get better each time, you have loads of time (my sister had her first baby at 39 and ive been told I am 'young' at 42) and I don't doubt we will be seeing a 'IVE GOT MY BFP' post from you soon! Please try and get some counselling if you can as its not good to bottle it all up - so glad you are sharing it on here xx
Thanks so much. I just wish I could wave a magic wand for us all. I think the negativity is born out of being a coping mechanism? You get scared to get your hopes up don't you. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all your replies xx
Definitely, its lack of control and the feeling that if you prepare for the worst it won't hurt as much. Its completely natural, my last round I was so negative from day one and then someone pointed out to me .. if you fear the worst and spend all your time thinking something won't happen it doesnt make it any easier if it doesnt, you are still as upset, but you have also been upset all the way up to it as well, so for loads longer. And if the good thing did happen, you've spent ages being upset unnecessarily. So actually, being upset or negative before doesnt make bad news easier, or good news any better..
its sooooo easy to say though. I keep a diary of my journey and jeez at times I am so depressed, sometimes I am RAGING and sometimes I am really high and positive. You just have to ride each day out but being on here and counselling (which was never my thing) really helped me because my OH just didn't communicate (and still doesnt) and just stores everything up and never shows any emotion!
You are so right - what you say about being upset/negative before doesn’t make the bad news easier is so true - that’s really resonated with me so thank you!
Going into our third round I’m now feeling slightly resigned to the fact it might not work but with a little bit of hope (cos let’s face it I wouldn’t be putting myself through this again if there wasn’t a little bit of hope buried somewhere 😂) so it’s like this halfway house between not being too optimistic but getting myself as well informed as possible on what could happen during this round (my main concern is frostie not surviving the thawing process...it happens) so basically trying to be very realistic and accepting that what will be will be......this is soooo not my normal approach to life, being a typical type A horrendous people pleaser/perfectionist (am seriously trying to work on all those things 🤦🏻♀️) , but for me it seems the most sensible way between self-protection and allowing a sliver of hope xx
We sound similar - I am a people pleaser too, and I hate it but I can't stop being.
I have just had a 3rd round BFN, but to be honest now I look back I was just going through the motions, I was so negative from day one (been a difficult year and so couldn't believe it could possibly work).. anyway in hindsight I almost feel like I am partially responsible for the BFN as I was like a zombie so down and just walking through it not really knowing what was going on ... all to protect myself and it did nothing except I cried a lot earlier and when I got my BFN was all out of tears! Hoping to start round 4 soon and really determined to be super positive... about IVF at least. Struggling with priorities and real life and work etc right now but we HAVE to think this will work because if we dont believe it how on earth can our bodies or anyone else believe it. Masses of luck for your next round xx
I had my BFN just over 2 wks ago. I'm currently of work on sick. I feel so disappointed, angry, frustrated etc some days really depressed other days really anxious. I've cried everyday since. It's a massive loss and im feeling so much grief.
I feel that nobody understands how painful it is unless you're going through it yourself. And even then we all cope differently. This was my first round and even though I have 1 more nhs round and 3 frozen embryos, I can't focus on anything other than the failure. The clinic are always so positive. They said everything was perfect, lining, quality, already hatching etc but nothing prepares you for the blow of a negative test. The shock. The anger. The emptiness.
I always find coming on here validates how I'm feeling. Some of the comments above I completely relate to. At least we have each other (even though we've never met!) It's so difficult to focus on anything else as the whole journey takes up so much of our time. From all the appts, scans, injections, pessaries. Must do everything on time, regimented schedule and then suddenly it all stops. Nothing. No appts, injections etc. No baby. No family. It's no wonder we feel lost when we've been consumed by it for weeks. You can't just flick a switch and revert back to normal life. I feel guilty being off work. I feel guilty that I'm feeling like this.
Sorry I've prattled on a bit. I'm thankful for this site and that people take the time to reply. By reading others stories, it makes me feel that my feelings are justified. I just wish life wasn't so bloody cruel x
I completely relate to everything you've said. Think I've been depressed about it for a long time. I'm borderline going sick too but I fear that's cause an argument with my OH because he takes the 'man up' approach with everything. We're self funding so that in itself is a huge strain.
You're totally right, it is grieving. Nobody understands that. We just have to focus on the next one...
This site is awesome though. I do feel guilty a lot if the time coming on here to 'moan' but really it's our sanctuary where we can be ourselves and say how we're feeling. Rejoice in others BFPs and comfort the BFNs.
All too often there's BFNs but there's so much hope in others BFPs. We'll all get there someday... X
Hi Jessy1280, it is always hard to go through this especially for the first time. I had the same situation a long time ago and after my first failure, I had fallen into depression for 5 years. My husband helped me to get rid of it and continue my journey. A year ago I went to Ukraine to have my ICSI treatment. For the first time, it was negative (with fresh embryo transfer) and for the second time, I got bfp (1 frozen embryo) but miscarried on the 7th week. But you know, I decided to gather all my strength and switch to surrogacy as it is my last option. I am on my way to Ukraine now to sign the documents and start my journey. I know that everything will be alright with me and with you as well. Don't lose your hope as it is only begining! Consider this as the first step to your dream as the hardest roads lead to the most beautiful destinations!
I'm so sorry to hear how you're feeling. I joined this site after my first cycle failed as I was so low and just needed to talk to others who would understand, everyone was so kind. I think I cried at least every day for a while. The first is the hardest as you're so built up and to be given that hope for the first time in a long time and then it to be snatched away again is crushing. I can't say what's normal but how you described your feelings is very similar to what I experienced. I found going away for a couple of days with my OH and reminding ourselves how lucky we are to have each other helped and as you go into the next cycle you automatically start to focus on that. I thought a second failed cycle would be even worse and although I was very upset it wasn't as bad. I saw the consultant today and she said that only 35% of couples get to the transfer stage and so even though it hasn't worked it's still hopeful and we are lucky to have got this far. Don't be hard on yourself for feeling bad, it is such a painful process. Hope you start to feel better soon, sending big hugs and lots of luck for the next round. We just have to keep hoping that we will get there in the end. Xxx
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Feeling like things are hopeless
Feeling sad and hopeless
Confirmation - failed FET
Feeling Emotional- 1st Failed IVF Cycle. 
