Weird post.. Bare with me

[aamiller405]

So I was at a party tonight.. This is the last night ill be drinking before my FET.. FET will be end of July. (first ICSI was stopped because they found a polyp in my womb)

And now everyone is sleeping and I'm sitting here awake. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to accept that this is the last time I'll be drinking.

And its not about the drinking.. Its about recommitting myself to the process, knowing that in the outcome I'll either be ecstatic or heartbroken.

And suddenly I'm terrified, and it's like if I stay awake I don't have to face the reality of the emotional rollercoaster that's about to come.

I know that sounds so silly, but if this doesn't work I actually don't know how I'll cope, and that terrifies me, so for now I'm just going to sit here alone, drunk and awake because it gives me some last minutes where I can be care free before I put my heart on the line.

Lately I've been dealing with this journey pretty well but I feel like its all got on top of me tonight.

I know this likely sounds ridiculous but I felt this was the only place I could share xx

[Stephybivf]

Hey, it doesn’t sound ridiculous at all. I think everybody on here can relate to that and how we have all felt at some point in this journey. Hang on in there, your stronger than you think my lovely 😘😘😘

[aamiller405 in reply to Stephybivf]

Thanks so much x

[Maybay]

I know. I feel the same about other things I’ve had to give up for this.. it’s hard and so extremely emotional and it just fucking sucks. The feeling of not knowing if it will work

[aamiller405 in reply to Maybay]

Thanks it helps to know I'm not alone xo

[3005]

It’s not ridiculous at all, I’ve felt exactly the same. I psyched myself up for my next round to be told I have a polyp and need that removing first, that was a blow cause I’d mentally prepared myself and feel like I have to do it all over again.

Have you tried any counselling? Mine really helps, she is recommended through my clinic so understands infertility issues.

Might help? X

[aamiller405 in reply to 3005]

Thank you.. I haven't.. I don't feel like I'm the type of person who would like counselling but I know I shouldn't knock it til I've tried it xo

[3005 in reply to aamiller405]

I was the same I thought what’s she gonna tell me that will make any difference to how I feel. But she just puts things into perspective for me.

[Cinderella5]

No silly at all! I'm pretty nervous about my FET this time. Having weird dreams about all sorts. I dont usually get like this even with all the ones I had negatives I was ok. However now I've had a positive and miscarried I'm scared I never get another BFP and also scared that I do. My tummy is doing somersaults just thinking about it! Hang on in there, you'll get there and you're definitely not alone!xx

[aamiller405 in reply to Cinderella5]

Thank you and wishing you all the luck in the world xo

[Cinderella5 in reply to aamiller405]

Thank you!xx

[Tigr]

Not a weird post at all! This journey is strange as you are doing all of this because YOU (and possily partner) want a baby. On the other side you need to put yourself second all the time and not focus on yourself but optimise everything for the baby. Look after yourself, be the ideal weight, eat healthy, do meds that mess you up, no drinks, no intense sports, no planning of whatever as things are super unpredictable. It is a pain... Things I discovered that help me: walks with friends, sharing with a few people, parties even without drinking (hosting stuff is brilliant as it is ok to stay sober to look after everyone), concerts, cooking, trips away, gardening, making musik. All allowed and replacing my usual coping mechanisms: sports and the one or other drunken night out. I feel it is about finding other ways to feel free and do stuff you like to not lose yourself, so the restrictions on your life become less frightening. Hope you feel better soon. Make a list of all the cool stuff that is still allowed and DO it, especially the silly stuff! 🌷

The outcome is sth we cannot control. There is just hope and patience to get there in the end.

[aamiller405 in reply to Tigr]

Thanks so much really appreciate this message xo

[Hidden]

Totally relate to this, it’s not about the drinking it’s just part of the normality that we’re all deprived of. I agree with Tigr to try and use it as a opportunity to try other non-drink related things. Then you don’t feel you’re missing out so much. My close friends (who know) and I have done other stuff like Alpaca walking, afternoon tea, spa afternoon, visiting random places as treats rather than boozey nights. Some of them have even said they’ve enjoyed drinking a bit less due to it. It’s really takes bravery to put ourselves through all this. I’m reminding myself at the moment (with my transfer this thursday) I can cope with a BFN as I’ve had one every month for 3 years and survived. Xx

[aamiller405 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you.. Some great ideas there..actually that's a good point about BFN ever month.. Never thought 0f it that way.. Very best of luck!! Xoxo

[Vegemite]

Feel the same. The whole fucking pessary thing is upsetting me. Fucking 7 drugs a day! Robbed of a normal life! Can’t sleep.. can’t book a holiday to get away! Horrible side effects and no one understands, except ladies on here of course .

So rant away babe! We are allowed to!

[aamiller405 in reply to Vegemite]

Thank you.. 8 a day my goodness! Youve got this though ❤️

[PurpleLove19]

I feel like we all have to plan around treatment and it becomes like forced some how and unnatural. You have people who fall pregnant drunk and we have to plan when our last drink will be.

I’ve been enjoying a few drinks just lately and having a good time with friends but the next day I just mope about.

I always say things like “When we go that party I hopefully won’t be able to drink.” Or this time next year I won’t be able to do this or that.

Good luck for your cycle x

[aamiller405 in reply to PurpleLove19]

Yeah definitely relate to all you've said, thank you and best of luck to you xo

[Frussy]

No silly atoll, we all feel the same , is a mixture of sadness and happiness,

I have just a few days since I started again and struggle with so many feelings, fell happy , sad , nervous, I am not even close to the egg collection and already feel so nervous on how will be this time , have nightmares with the nurse calling and say :”no eggs fertilised “, after feel all day that I can not cooperate in work with the stress

Every time when I see photos on fb with happy future mums start to cry

I want so badly this journey to stop , feeling down and without hope but I do have days when I think about future and try to see myself with an angel in my arms ( probably that is call hope ) , so focus on yourself and be optimistic about the happy ending on all this role-coaster journey

Lots of hugs ❤️

[aamiller405 in reply to Frussy]

Thank you so much, this journey does bring so many emotions, I really hope your journey comes to an amazing end soon xoxo

[jengi]

I can definitely relate to your post. Thanks for sharing..... it’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one that thinks like this. Best of luck Xx