Two years to the day 😢

[PurpleLove19]

I can’t believe it’s been two years. Feels like it’s been my whole life.

It has- my whole life I’ve dreamt of being a mum. Dreamt of seeing those two lines on a stick.

My husband and I aren’t childhood sweethearts but even with my past partners I’ve had moments when my period is late and worryingly gone to buy a test. Every stick I’ve peed on I’d be secretly hoping it would be two lines even though I wasn’t in the perfect set up.

When we started to try and we weren’t having any luck I came up with all the excuses- I’ve been in the DEPO injection, been on the pill, been drinking or stressed. Blamed my job, my social life my personal stresses.

I thought there was a problem with me. Questioned all those times I forgot to take my pill or threw up and could have got caught and didn’t. So when you actively stop contraception you defiantly know something isn’t quite right. Especially when people round you are on the pill and get caught. That is something I’ve never ever got my head round and I don’t think I ever will.

Now we know my husband is the one with the issues it doesn’t make it any better because we both have a problem. We both can’t have a baby naturally.

I still question that if my body is perfectly capable of conceiving why it never happened all those years ago? I put that down to “fate” because having children with the wrong person was never part of my plan either.

I have found my one and now we have to go on this unfair journey.

I am more positive these days. I actually started thinking that I was ready to be round babies until today.

A tiny tot was right in front of me and I froze and just stared.

I’m not ready and that’s just how it’s got to be. Until we have our miracle or before I just don’t know but I know it’s not now!

xx

[Wannabemammy]

That sounds so familiar! I began to talk to my colleagues this week and not only did I discover that the people I told were supportive, but one came to me and told me her children are IVF babies! I was stunned and thrilled equally... she gets my stresses and could give me so much help. She’s been looking out for me since, I feel a bit better now knowing she’ll rescue me if I need it. Hope you can find someone similar. X

[PurpleLove19 in reply to Wannabemammy]

I’m very open to everyone at work. It’s just how I am naturally. I can’t bottle my feelings. Although there are certain people I’ve stopped confiding in due to the fact I think they are just being nosey or they just basically, give shit advice. Most people enjoy telling you a success story of their best friends neighbours cousin too which sometimes gets on my nerves.

I can see now which people are good listeners and that’s what you need isn’t it? Someone that will just let you vent and listen.

Family members however, have either been amazing with us or have chosen to block us out! That’s fine, I won’t be making efforts to tell them the good news one day, they can find out on social media as they have not been family. x

[MissSaoPaulo]

Correct me if I'm wrong but you're still waiting to start treatment aren't you? The setbacks must be very frustrating and I'm sure that's playing a big part in what you're feeling now. I liked what you wrote about it being 'fate' not to have a child with the wrong person. I've wanted a child for years and years but now we've been lucky with IVF I can honestly say difficulty conceiving was probably a blessing in disguise for me so I didn't end up having a baby with one of the complete d***heads I used to date. The journey and the waiting has been hard but now I'm closer to the person (and the mother) I want to be and with the person I want to be with and it's right. I hope you'll be able to start treatment soon and that it's successful, and hopefully it won't be too long before you'll be able to look back and feel proud that you fought so hard to get something so important to you and satisfied that you're in the right place at the right time with the right person to welcome your baby. Keep your chin up xxx

[PurpleLove19 in reply to MissSaoPaulo]

Thank you.

Yes still waiting for funding to go through before some more bloods.

Got an appointment at my GP tonight to check where we are. Fingers crossed x

[hannahding]

The journey is not the easiest one. Mainly because often time we end up blaming ourselves. We are hard on ourselves to the point its not fare. One has to be to really strong. I always tell people to try their best to avoid negativity. Mainly because it is not good for you. Stay strong! Sending baby dust your way.

[PurpleLove19 in reply to hannahding]

I’ve been avoiding my best friend lately. I love her so much but she’s trying at the moment and it’s all she wants talk about. She’s been trying for almost 6months. Her and her partner have had separate issues down there if you get me in the past and all I try to tell her is start the ball rolling with tests.

She sticks her head in the clouds and tries to be over the top positive and then my blood boils. I’m wasting my breath honestly.

She said to me the other day I’m sorry I’m rubbish at the moment as you’re going through it all and it’s all I talk about.

I wouldn’t wish this on her but at the same time she’s never had to watch people close to her be pregnant.

I said for this to really hit home you need to experience someone in your family go through a happy time of being pregnant to really know how you really feel as at the moment she has no babies in her family. I’m keeping my gob shut now and when we go for drinks this Friday I may have to say I don’t want to keep going over it with you as it’s not helping me. X

[Hidden]

There's no doubt that fertility is a bloody tough journey. I'm very lucky after 12 years to have got to the end of mine and have 2 boys. I found along the way new friends who were also going through treatment who understood exactly what you were going through. There are times you cope times you just don't. Points where I decided I was done with it all then I'd find a wee bit more strength to have another shot. I hope now you know the reason that your treatment will start soon and be a success for you. Good luck x x