Well; if you’re an avid follower of the trials and tribulations of Mr and Mrs Emu (Mr Emu being the funnier of the two)... you’ll have noticed it’s been a bit quiet since Mr Emu’s experience in the sample room on Monday. We’re still in Cyprus! We’re still here. We had 6 eggs collected and 4 fertilised.
But I’d be a fraud to myself if I only ever shared the lighter part of the IVF journey. It’s important to me that I share it all. But I’ve struggled to even form the words to myself, let alone Mr Emu and definitely couldn’t have found the words to write. On Monday evening one lonely tear dropped down my face which started like a big old thunderstorm you know... when there’s one drop and then another... and soon you’re in a whole storm waiting for it to pass...
“I can’t go through with it” I muttered. “I don’t want the transfer”. For Mr Emu this was totally out of the blue. But it’s been coming for weeks. All those posh dinners, travels with work, late nights, early mornings, relaxing baths... they’ve all come with a distant stare and at some point me laying at night wondering what the hell I’m doing.
What if it works? What if I get a BFP? And then it goes wrong? We are unlikely to try again after this and I’ve not fully recognised what it’ll mean if it doesn’t work. I don’t want to go through the pain. I don’t want to go through it again without acknowledging how I’ll cope if it doesn’t work.
Now; I need to stop here and say... I appreciate that some of you may be reading this and thinking I’m selfish. Ungrateful. A drama queen. I’ve felt it myself over the last 48 hours. Especially as the news comes in and we know a decision about freezing or transferring will come. I know that some of you would never even imagine feeling this way; bloody hell... neither did I! I am the most calm and collected person I know! Or I was!
My co-ordinater team at the clinic have been amazing. They prescribed me a glass of wine last night. Which: I had. And Mr Emu and me researched our next holiday. With words of support that meant it didn’t matter if we went home and came back I was able to just relax by body and come to my own conclusion.
We’ll transfer two embryos tomorrow at 7.50am UK time.
I won’t lie; I’m nervous. Not because it might not work or the embryos might drop on the floor or I might cough them out... but because I might hurt. And I never ever want to feel that pain again.
And I want my life back. Hands up all those women who have said “yes! I love living in limbo!”
And I’m exhausted. And I’ve said it one hundred million times before - you women who do this more than once in a year are my heroes.
So tonight we’re going to hobble to the old town for dinner. Mr Emu will beg me not to cry because “it’s about £10 a tear with my MAC makeup” and tomorrow we’ll try again.
Who knows what will happen. But I know I have the support around me to cope. There are three lovely women on here who have checked in on me daily (more than daily!) regardless of their own situation. Without them I’d be lost. But already I know that below, in the comments, will flow so much support for me which without... I’d be lost. So thank you xx
Written by
emu2016
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Awwwww lovely, your feelings and fears are all totally understandable. Your amazing hun, I wish you so much luck and positive vibes for tomorrow the tww and thereafter. Thinking of you loads my love, big hugs 💝😘💝
I am with you every step of the way and I am with u in every word you have written. I'm such a calm and collected person I didn't believe I could feel so god awful when that 'it hasn't worked' news came in. I didn't think I would ever stop crying and I swear my heart broke in two. If I heard 'stay positive' 'one day' one more time I thought I'd go crazy. Reading everyone's stories on here makes u realise u are not alone. My thoughts are full of happy unicorn dust for u and I really pray that u don't go through the heartache again xxx
Oh my days lovely lady, my heart was in my mouth reading this! It really is the most incredibly scary thing to do after failures and you had one massively devastating time the last time. What are you like commending all the strong ladies when you are one of the strongest I have met on here.....its funny how we all see everyone else as being the strong ones and omit ourselves from that group, well you are up there that's for sure! Im with you on the whole exhausted thing, it is tiring doing this for years not knowing where we are going.....bloody limbo land is a curse!
I hope you can hopefully enjoy your night tonight and not ruin your lovely make up....however if a small tear escapes then so be it...... sometimes needs must and sometimes a bloody good cry is just what's needed! Try to take some strength from us lot tomorrow all rooting for you when you go for transfer, we'll all be thinking of you.....well not that you're lying on the table cause that's just weird....LOL!! Hang on in there hunny, you're doing great!xx
Such a rollercoaster this malarkey and y s life surely does feel on hold and many of us still have nothing to show for it...I hope the glass of wine helped and your night out tonight and gear yourself up for what lies ahead..like us all on her you are stronger than you think..good luck with transfer and bringing those beautiful embies home xxxx
It did help. I felt so guilty. But it quickly went! No doubt I’ll be an emotional wreck tomorrow. But for now... I’m ok x
Aw I just had tears reading this, it’s such a shit horrid journey to be on (I know I am one of the very lucky ones) but it still upsets me watching people who were a tower of support to me go through this, all the anxiety, emotions and decisions. Know I am thing of you xxx
So sorry to hear that you have had a moment, at a loss for a better word!! I think what you have said will ring true for many of us on here. We all have our moments sometimes good and sometime bad.
We can only afford to do one donor round and the pressure I feel about will it work and all the what ifs, is overwhelming. I completely understood all your fears about how do I carry on, what do I do know if it doesn’t work. I have been very honest with my oh and have said all the way along that if it doesn’t work I can not go on living my life as it is. There will have to be a drastic change. I want to move overseas!! A different life.
I feel like I have been living in limbo for 4 yrs now. Better take that job beacause when I am pregnant. Better not book that concert because I may be pregnant. If we book that holiday can it be changed if.
Sounds like you have an amazing support team around you. I am keeping everything crossed that the transfer goes ok and you are able to move onto the next stage.
I have felt this whole thing is just stages and waiting. Always hoping you get to move onto the next stage and wait.xxxxxx
Sorry to butt in- but had to add ‘will I still fit into that dress if I’m pregnant...’ ( yes I still have the tags on the dress to return if I get a bfp 😜)
Wow that was amazing to read and I think got a clear view of your true feelings bless you I am truly in awe of your bravery and I hope with all my heart this is successful for both of you xx
Wishing you all the very best for tomorrow. I know you don’t want to but you and Mr Emu will cope with whatever happens. Sending so much luck and good fortune out to you in Cyprus xxx
You my darling, are definitely not a drama queen, selfish or ungrateful, I know quite a few of those in the past. You’re a lady who is a trailblazer and being honest about her emotions and reality of treatment, something that is actually very brave. I’m proud of you. Mostly all that go into this will hope, and nagging doubt, that it may (or may not work) both of which are scary. Try to remember, you absolutely won’t cough out the embryos, you’ve done all you can and MAC make up indeed costs a fortune!! 😘😘😘😘
Huge huge hugs, give that Yorkshire man a cuddle from me 🤗🤗🤗
Gosh he’ll be loving that! He’s been great. He deserves that hug. I’m currently choosing shoes since i have to wear this boot for 6 weeks! 😂 thanks for your kind words xx
I think a stealth bulk purchase of shoes is in order to get over the ‘trauma’ of not being able to wear sandals abroad 😉 If MrEmu finds them my excuse would be ‘sale’ or ‘had them for ages’ 😘😘 Ps he sounds a good one and you make a great (& loving) team xxxx
Wishing you all the luck in the world for tomorrow. I know I’m not alone in being able to relate to everything you say. It’s so tough, this journey. All the waiting, ‘what ifs’ and living in limbo land.
You two hold each other’s hand extra tight tomorrow. Will be sending over positive vibes xx
Thanks Clare Lou. They don’t let husbands in the transfer room. So big on bugs and cleanliness. So I’m a bit nervous about that. But I’m sure I’ll be good x
You are not selfish for having these thoughts/fears, I know that despite wanting my own child for as long as I can remember, I had doubts about whether I was ready, could handle the pain (physical and emotional) and if maybe I just wasn't meant to have a family after all it must be nature's way - natural selection/survival of the fittest and all that. These (awful) thoughts and fears are perfectly natural and part of this incredibly emotional journey that we are all on.
You guys are a strong couple, keep talking to each other and you will get through this. Best of luck for tomorrow, we are all rooting for you x
Bless u love to hear your honesty. It is so hard and can totally relate. Wish t could be simpler I feel at times but hey. Best wishes for tomorrow. Take good care xx
Mrs emu, I had exactly this before the most recent transfer because it was probably the last chance. It’s been almost worse since I actually got pregnant because I know how awful it would be if I lose it now- all the contingency plans would be out of the window. I guess the fear is normal, especially if you’ve lost a pregnancy before. We would be weird if we weren’t a bit scared, and doubtful of our choices. It’s ok.
I’ve felt exactly the same recently. I keep wondering if I even really do want to get pregnant now?! Can I handle it.
Am I just doing it for hubby now?
I just found out a close relative is going through ivf same time as me! She’s desperate for it and I almost want it more for her than me!
I stupidly took an early PT 7dp5dt and it was negative - I took it At 5pm, diluted urine, and a clear blue digital test so not as sensitive as others. I know it could be a false negative - but I went into a self sabotage /can’t do this anymore cry/rant.
Felt like saying to hubby to go find another wife and have his family! But I cried in my prayers because I desp want him and our baby too 😢
I’m quite pragmatic and I do believe things happen for a reason and in their own time. We still have plenty more chances, but I just feel like if my crap body won’t work with my best embryos then maybe I just can’t do this- and have let myself and him down 😔
Part of me just wants to move on- sick of the limbo! The past 8 years have been in limbo. Just someone tell me if I can have them or not and I’ll make my peace with it!
I’m so pleased I wrote this too. Where are the warning signs that you’ll go through this on top of everything else. Self sabbotage. What an excellent way of explaining it. Where are you up to now? x
8dp5dt had a medicated FET. OTd is Saturday.perfect lining perfect embryo (just shitty imperfect me)
But found out my thyroid was very high before transfer, my ferritin is low and I’ve desperately been trying to do the best things in my 2ww but we did a lot of walking (uphill!) during the bank holiday, ate prob too much fish, haven’t drunk nearly enough water or fruit and veg and just feel like eating junk food all the time now. And it’s not for want of trying! If I can’t do it for two weeks I can’t do it for 9 months 😞
Don’t you forget... women who manage to complete what appears to be the hardest task in the world ... and actually fall pregnant naturally seem to do so amongst all the junk food, drinking, running, late nights and everything else... don’t worry. Two days to test day. Keep positive Saya. Don’t be hard on yourself. And never apologise for off-loading xx
I know I haven't been on here for long and only just started following your journey but I've got everything crossed for you. Will be thinking of you. Sending lots of positive vibes x
Hope everything goes well tomorrow and you get your longed for miracle. You articulate so well the hopes and fears that all of us here feel daily and you’re so right about the support that everyone on this forum brings. Keeping everything crossed for you x
How have I even missed this post. Mrs emu you are a wonderful lady and you can do this. Sometimes in life we have to take a risk and go for it, whatever the outcome. But the risk could be you will miss out on something wonderful. Whatever happens, you WILL be fine and life WILL go on. Go for it my darling and all our hopes and prayers and everything on my body will be crossed for you. (How I’m goin to cut hair on this position is anyone’s guess) xxxxxx
Someone is in for a dodgy hairstyle! Can you nip to Leeds on Saturday and sort my hair out? I appear to have a mullet at the back! 😂😂😂 thanks for the good luck xx
This journey is so hard. Bet we have all cried a sea of tears xxxxx
Hey Hun
Was gonna write a long stay positive message with words of wisdom... I am a 7th time warrior and considering 8, because I love looking at single lines and seeing on my hand when am that nervous to POAS.
Our losses will never go a miss, that pain will always be with, the MAc make up will always run sometimes with joy, pain or plain old frustration at this journey.
Thank you Tamtam. You are definitely a warrior. Luck and hugs is all I need today x
Oh Emu it is so hard and your posts are so honest. I am sure most people beyond their first try have that same feeling at some point - even if just for a moment.
I am so glad youbchanged your mind. Looks like you are transferring in about 6 minutes time. I hope it goes well.
Your posts are just the absolute BEST!!! Please keep them coming! As much as they choke me up they always make me giggle. I am thinking of you, by now the transfer is done and I am crossing fingers, toes and eyeballs for you 🤞.
All that you are feeling is totally natural. Best to get the feelings out there instead of bottling them up. Its a scary process and does require bravery. Wishing you, Mr Emu and your embies the very best of luck. Look after yourselves, rest and think about those beautiful embies snuggling down inside you. I'll be thinking of you all xxx
You always write so beautifully and express what we are all feeling or have felt at some point. I wish you all the luck in the world xxx
I was in the middle of a long message then lost it (FFS!) so I will keep it short and sweet. I hope the transfer went well this morning. I hope you're feeling positive. I hope the 2ww flies by and I hope you get your BFP at the end of it. Lots of hoping!! Xx
This post really moved me the way you write it probably explains how most people feel when they go through it more times than once. I’ve got my fingers crossed that it’s a BFP. I can totally relate to those emotions we are doing it again with a friend donating her eggs will be starting mid summer. And yes Mac make up costs hopefully next time your crying it will be tears of joys. X
Just catching up on your posts lovely, been a long day & have been wanting to check in all day. Such a lovely heartfelt post.
I’ve walked those same steps, when you finally crumble and think that’s it. You’d think you’d look at those times as moments you finally gave up, couldn’t battle any longer, even berate yourself for being weak perhaps, but what I’ve learnt in this horrid journey is that those times will become the real wow moments when you look back. Those moments where you are at the brink and your body is screaming at you saying enough is enough. I tell u now there are only certain people in the world who, even at those times, pick themselves up and keep on going & I’m so v proud of you.
That one tear can so easily become niagra falls. I’ve cried til no tears are physically left and can now understand how people can actually die of broken hearts as I’ve felt my little heart can’t take any more upset. To stand up and keep going is utterly amazing. To stand up, keep going when you know that the future is still so uncertain is inspiring and to stand up and keep going when you know it could really really hurt...yet again...well that takes someone very special to do that.
I sometimes find myself reaching in to really ask myself ‘are u prepared for the moment when you have to say enough is enough’ we all have to face those beyond difficult decisions often every day. We go into these things time and time again knowing full well it could cause more pain but we get ourselves armed and ready and go into battle each time and I’m so proud of all of us here. We live teetering on that edge of holding everything together, a mask goes on in front of people who we know won’t understand, the professional stance kicks in at work as we have pride and leave our troubles at the door, we fight daily battles which most people can’t even imagine so when a tear comes, by god it’s going to be a torrent because we cope with so much, when those floodgates open it’s no surprise they totally burst.
You will never be selfish, a drama queen of ungrateful, how could u get near being near that? You crazy girl!
We all start this road calm and collected but we all lose a little bit of ourselves, our heart and our mind the further we go on this journey, we will never be the same people who started this journey. I have stood pushed to the limit and felt petrified of the total irrational feelings which can unfold in those dark times, it’s horrid it takes such cruel circumstances to make you look within yourself and I feel proud at how you keep going.
I stand with you holding that awful thought of ‘what if this doesn’t work...again’ I tell others my OH & I have a plan if we can’t have kids, how life will look, i say the words that all will be ok but they’re just empty words, I feel empty just thinking them, but I hold it together as I describe the amazing life we’ll have on our own and I smile as people say how strong I am. Job done, convincing others done, no one seen the cracks show...
I’m one of those unloving the life of living in constant limbo and what ifs, it has to stop eventually and when you hear that clock ticking knowing the end is in sight it’s beyond scary. Like you I’m utterly exhausted and I don’t think the real impact will hit until I step off this crazy ride.
All feels so hard but the one thing left which keeps me going is that I stand shoulder to shoulder with the likes of you. I stand very proud amongst such amazing ladies as yourself and others on the forum and no one can take that away from me. Xxxxxx
Thanks for your kind message! How are u going? All these kidney problems must be such a worry on top of everything else. Really feel for you love. How are you feeling at the mo? Sorry I’ve not been in touch, a lot going on and decisions to be made and you lose weeks of your life without realising how fast time is flying by. Suffice to say I’m thinking of you and really hope you’ve got the best support on hand and it relieves some of the worry for you. 😘😘
I'm ok just tired, I wish the scan for my kidneys would hurry up tbh then we'll know what we're dealing with.
Don't you worry about being in touch hun I know your going through a tough time, I just hope your pain is easing and you can get on with your natural cycle asap. Thinking of you lovely. Take good care of yourself and please keep us updated.
It’s bound to be a worry for you love. I really feel for you as I know what it’s like waiting for scans and the like when you just need answers, really hope you get to find out more soon as it must be such an ongoing worry for you.
I feel awful for often having to run hot and cold with my responses on this forum, one min I feel I can commit time to write and others my head is truly spinning and I lose weeks/months of my life! Suffice to say I’m always thinking of people and really hope you get some respite soon.
Had a few better days recently thanks for asking, but I know that’s only because they should be my better less painful days of a month when I expect to feel marginally ok, before I then plunge into a run if painful ones, but I just try and enjoy the good ones and battle thru the painful ones, u know what it’s like!
Blood tests so far are looking good to potentially trying another transfer in a natural cycle this month so I may be hot in the heels of Emu in the 2ww! Going for more tests tmw and may get a transfer end of next week it early the following week so will keep u posted. Can’t take any drugs so as to avoid all the heart palpitations I got last time so going to have to leave it to my battered little body to try it’s best!!
Really hope u get your scan soon, and some answers, lotsa love 😘😘
If I don't hear anything soon, I going to ask the hospital if they'll accept a private scan I know some are funny about it.
Don't feel awful hun naturally life and the difficulties you go through do take over, one things for sure when you are here you certainly make it count. 💝😘
Glad your at that time where your getting a break from the immense pain hun,
Eeeeek possible transfer next week ohh my love I hope this really is it for you, really do hun I'll keep you in my prayers so many of you deserve a break on here really hope this is it.💝 please keep us updated.
Thanks so much for ur kind words love, really appreciate them, you’re a little star with the hugest heart of gold.
Yes defo go for a private scan, I’ve done tons of stuff private and just put things in front of the GP and fought my case. You need answers and you need them soon as too much is at stake. At least it’ll hopefully give you some more answers even if u still have to wait and go thru the proper channels, I know how very frustrating it is & feel for u greatly.
Thank you for your kind words, I do feel guilty as I have times I really try and keep up with what’s going on with certainly a few key people close to my heart but it’s so tricky at times when you’re struggling yourself isn’t it. I really appreciate your words about my comments when I am able to make some!!
Thanks so much for ur good wishes re my possible transfer. I’m a wee bit detached from it all as I’m so exhausted to be honest but we’ll give it a go as that’s what we do on here!!
Lotsa love and really hoping you get somewhere soon to see more of what’s going on. Lovely to hear from you 😘😘
Bless ya, no need for the thanks hun I'm just being honest. It's true you really do make it count and you have a way like Emu that certainly touches the heart. 💝
Your bound to feel the way you do regards transfer hun, all the what ifs and hope and pain you endure it's most definatly exhausting, remember your a SUPER STRONG LADY and you can do this.
Please don't beat yourself up regards being active on thr forum we know we're in your thoughts hun. Your a diamond.
Ill give it this week if I don't hear nothing I'll speak to renal Dr and go get a private one done.
Big hugs my love take great care of yourself, huge luck for next week
Inspirational is a word that comes to mind definitely not selfish!!!
even though I have just seen this post I wish you so much luck I will follow everything I can I so hope you get that magic line at the end of this and I will keep everything crossed and you both in my thoughts going forward 💕💕💕🌈🌈🍀🍀 xxxxx
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
