To share or not to share...

[FlowerofLondon]

One of the major things going through all this has been whether to tell anyone at work that I’m going through IVF.

Obviously there’s the whole not really telling anyone until the second trimester anyhow. What’s to tell if there’s nothing to tell? Don’t want to jinx anything by telling people. Don’t want people asking all the time how’s it going, especially when not well

It’s been something that’s been playing on my mind a lot. Difficulty for anyone, how people- the powers that be are going to react and act towards you. Will they cast you aside, not think of you for any future promotions or the likes.

Running a pub for a pub company, I’m in a very man dominated industry as it is. The want for having a child can very much go “against” you even though you are not supposed to be discriminated against. Terms such as “ovaries twinging” get thrown without a care. Eyes rolled when someone goes off on maternity leave

Unfortunately I haven’t won the lottery so I need to come back to a job, doing IVF with a sperm donor means mine is the only income in this so everything around the IVF has been done whilst trying not to rock the work-boat.

I’ve managed to keep it under wraps though - being the “boss” means I do my own rota and so nipping out for scans and follow ups has been easy enough. My staff don’t question anything.

The hard bit is the emotional turmoil. I’ve been pretty good with it all but after this second try of IVF which didn’t take my line manager could tell there was something wrong. I tried really hard to keep my demeanour up, the day after the “miscarriage” I had an area meeting but clearly I didn’t do a good enough job.

After the meeting he sent a message and informed me he was coming to site the next day to see me.

I have a really good relationship with my boss. Get on exceptionally well with him and he’s a really great guy. I could tell he was genuinely worried about me. However, there is always that fear of how people react to news such as this. What will it mean if I’m off on maternity leave? How will it effect the business? Should a replacement be found?

I’d been racking my brains as to what I could tell him, could I make something up. Something not serious but enough that he would believe me

So he turned up to work and it was all a bit awkward

I decided to tell him. I slowly started telling him how for the last 8 months I’d been doing IVF.

The genuine relief on his face was a relief to me. He told me that he hadn’t been able to sleep the night previously and though he’s sad for me he was glad it wasn’t anything life threatening which is what he’s feared.

I briefly told him about the first try and it not taking and the second try and how that round was more successful and though I’d had a fresh embryo transfer a couple of days ago it hadn’t took. I kept the whole thing vague as didn’t want to inundate him with too much jargon and too much information

It was at this point that my boss really surprised me

“I know what you’re going through. My wife and I went through 3 rounds of IVF before we had our daughter”

He then also proceeded to tell me about his friends that had recently had IVF in Greece with a doctor with great success and if I wanted the details he’d get them for me

It really is incredible to think how many of us there really are that are out there that go through the IVF process. It’s obviously a very private thing and understandable why people don’t share but we really don’t know everyone’s story

I know I’m very lucky. That my line manager is who he is and I know when he says it won’t go anything further it won’t. I know many people won’t be as lucky. But with everything over the last few days it was nice to have something positive occur, just making it that bit easier to get back on the positivity train.

[CAS2]

Ah it’s great you feel supported and he reaction must have filled you with relief. I was quite cagey at first with it but much more open now. It’s amazing and eye opening just how many people, when you tell them, have been through it. It’s quite staggering really. You’re never more than a few steps away from someone having fertility problems I always think xx

[Hollibob]

That was a nice outcome.

In my previous job, all the line managers were male..I decided to tell the one who I was closest to/had known the longest, like a grandad and another who’s twin brother had been through ivf. They were both great.

When it worked, I decided I needed to tell the line manager who I worked more frequently with, as I was always the go to person and I wanted my colleagues to pick up some of the work I always did!

All was fine until I miscarried....I text them all to say I wasn’t going to be in for a few days.

My first day back, my line managers boss, female, was sat on the desk next to me. As soon as I said hi and she said hi, how are you doing, I knew she’d been told, even after I’d asked for it not to go any further! I just said I was ok, but I think she could tell I didn’t want to chat!

After asking all the males, it was the one who I’d told last that had told her. I was so annoyed and he said that he just thought with her being female and having been through ivf, it would be more support.

She never could speak to me properly after that and will always ask my hubby how things are, even if we are both at the same gathering....

Sometimes there are good/bad experiences, but you never really know who’s gone through what x

[emu2016]

This is what happened with my boss. Seven rounds of ivf, 2 still births, 1 miscarriage... he was so supportive! x

[AJJ123]

I know how your feeling, from my experience I told my boss too, I didn’t have the same experience as you but it wasn’t a bad one either. I also told people who I was close to at work, they shared in my sadness when I miscarried.

This time, I have not told a soul. I have been asked where I’ve been on and off and I’m sure they are putting 2 and 2 together but I’m not saying a word.

It’s my business and last time word got round I was pregnant and I had people congratulating me on my pregnancy when I’d miscarried because they weren’t in the loop.

Also, if people know they will be dying for an update and you’ll have to tell them either way - if you don’t then it becomes obvious.

It’s such a hard one, but the main thing is your boss knows. If you need someone to offload onto be very picky about who you share it with until you’ve come through the process and your ok telling the tale.

X