Fertility Network UK
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Not IVF related but really need advice

Hi all,

I really hope no one objects to me writing on here as it’s not IVF related but I could do with the advice..

You all know everything we’ve been through this last month well to top it off my FIL has just rang me to say his cancer has spread. He hasn’t yet told my Hubby who is due home in half hr but wants me to take him round to theirs unsuspecting so he can be told the news. We all knew he was going to London today to get his MRI and CT results.

My heart is breaking for them as the prognosis doesn’t look good and I know this is going to sound really selfish but I’m just not able to deal with all of this at the mo. I also feel really uncomfortable lying to my husband, I don’t know whether to tell him his dads rang and we need to go round as the results weren’t good, tell him what his dads told me or just do as his dads asked.

What would you do?? Any advice is much appreciated. Typically my Mum isn’t picking up her phone 😩

34 Replies
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I am so sorry. Personally I would warn him. I know that your FIL has asked just to bring him round but that's massive news to just be told. It may be best that it comes from you so he can process it a little before he gets there. Once again I am so sorry. This whole IVF business sucks without "life" as well xxx

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Hi. My husband had the same situation with his dad. His family told him directly and he was so glad they did that so he have more time to spend with his dad.

He past away this summer and my husband was with him on that day

I think it’s important to tell him earlier so he don’t lose the time.

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Hi lovely I think I’d have to tell my hubby his dad rang and the results aren’t good and we need to go around but would say I’d been asked not to say anything so please could he pretend he didn’t know. His dad can tell him the details. So sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment 😢 xxxxx

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Sorry to hear this, What an awful position for you to be in.. in my opinion I think it might be best you say what you suggested that he's rang and the results wernt good. I dont think its likely that anyone is going to be annoyed at you for dealing with it that way.. as they shouldn't have put you in that position in the first place. Good luck xx

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You tell him before you go over there. It's big news. I'm sorry for all you've had to go through recently. Big hugs lots of love 💗💗😘

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Oh gosh, I'm so sorry to hear this! I completely understand where your coming from, if I was in your position I couldn't just lead my partner around to the house without them having a clue what's going on. If it was me I would have to tell my partner. What a horrible situation to be put in, on top of everything else your already going through 🙁 Xxx

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Oh I’m so sorry, if it were me I would tell my hubby what had been said so he is at least a little more prepared for what is awful news xxx

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Such a difficult position to be on for you, on top of everything. I would personally say, I took a call from your dad and it’s not good news, we need to go over.

Hope the visit goes ok- thoughts will be with you both x

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I’m so sorry to read this 😞 Really tough. I agree with some of the other people’s advice, I think it’d be good to let your husband know before you go round to see the family. I think that’s what I would want if it was the other way round. Big hugs- take care X

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Hey sweets

I'm sending you such a big hug and lots of love. When my dad was told that his cancer had spread and the prognosis wasn't looking good. He was the one to tell me to my face. It is many years ago now and my dad has passed. I honestly feel that this was the best thing for him. It allowed him to feel like he had a bit of control over a truly crap situation. Many years later I'm glad he had that opportunity.

Thinking of you and if you need anything I'm here.

Lots of love xxx

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I'm so sorry to hear this. And don't sound selfish at all, it's so much pressure for you at the moment and for this to be added to it.

I'd tell him his dad called and that it's best you go round there, but you can avoid giving him the details xx

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I am so sorry to hear that life has thrown this at you now, on top of everything. Don't beat yourself up for feeling unable to deal with this as well as everything else. We all have a capacity and I think all you've been through must have taken you very close to your limit already.

I guess how you handle tonight depends on your relationship with your hubby and his family, as well as his relationship with them and it's a very difficult position for you to have been put in. Personally I would probably tell my hubby that his dad had rung and wants you to go round and that it didn't sound like good news but you don't need to tell him the details. You're doing what was asked but also giving your partner a bit of warning.

Good luck tonight, sometimes being all together to deal with difficult news like this is the best thing. Sending you lots of strength x

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Oh I’m so sorry, if it were me I would tell my hubby what had been said so he is at least a little more prepared for what is awful news x

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How sad...yes tell him his dad had his results today and he has phoned and it doesn't sound to be very good news by what was said....but best go over and speak in person. good luck xx

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Thank you all so much for the support, I have told him that I’ve spoken to his dad and it’s not good news so we need to go round there which we are soon. He’s not stupid and knew something was up as his dad normally texts his results.

Just feel like this is another kick in the teeth as after my surgery his Mum said to me his dads worried he’ll never get to meet his grandchildren 😟 xx

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Oh I'm so sorry you are going through this after your miscarriage!! Sending huge hugs to you and your hubby!xx

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Thank you xx

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Try not to take that on board hun. It’s not your fault xxxx

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Thank you, my BIL has 3 children but doesn’t speak to his dad so just feels like added pressure all the time xx

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That too is not your fault. Try not to take it on. You’ve got enough to deal with xxx

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Your right am going to try and separate it as much as possible xx

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I would tell him before you go round. I lost my grandad a year ago yesterday to three kinds of cancers. And maybe just say let them tell him before he says anything to about it when you get there. So sorry to hear about your news xx

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I’m sorry I don’t know what to advise but I really don’t think you’re being at all selfish. You’ve had a lot on your plate. The last thing you need is more. Unfortunately it’s always the way, bad news seems to follow bad news. I’m sorry to hear about your FIL. I hope you guys can catch a break in the new year! Xx

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its always the way isn't it how everything goes wrong at the same time!

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Oh I am sorry to hear about your FIL. That is difficult and very sad. What a tricky position you have been left in. Think it is best if you tell your husband that his dad rang about his test results and wants you both to call with him to give more details as results aren't good. Hope your husband is ok. Thinking of you both.xo

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Thank you all again, we’ve been round and the prognosis really isn’t very positive. My hubby (probably like a lot of men) is a bit of a closed booked but I’m trying to be strong for him now and saying he can cry if he needs to. Think life is definitely testing our limits xx

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Such sad news, I agree with others that I would let hubby know before hand.

Big hugs xx

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So sorry to hear what your father in law is going through. Lots of support to you and your husband xxx

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Just read this, so sorry for everything you and your family are going through! Lots of ❤️ and hugs xxx

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sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time on top of everything else xx

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Such sad news sending lots of love to you and your hubby’s family xxxx

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So sorry Hun stay strong xx

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I am so sorry. I think I would tell him.because if he found out that you knew and did not say anything, this might make things worse... take care x

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im sorry about that. I think you should just be honest with your hubby and say that there's been bad news regarding his dad and that you need to visit them as im sure your hubby instinctively has an idea somethings wrong so saying there's some bad news helps to prepare him for the blow. Its never nice which ever way you go about it but I personally would be honest and explain to hubby there's been a phone call with bad news about your dad which gives him some kind of idea rather than pretending there's nothing wrong.

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