Second Appointment on Tuesday!

[PurpleLove19]

So I’ve had a massive blow out over the Easter Weekend. I’ve enjoyed BBQs and gins in this sunshine. Rather than drinking to numb the empty feeling I carry everyday I turned it on it’s head and tried to be positive- “This may be the last time I can drink in the sunshine for a while!”

(BTW I’m not an alcoholic I rarely drink but I’ve jumped on the flavoured gin craze.)

As I’ve mentioned before I find that having a couple of up days that I refer to as “Highs” they are followed by a big low! It’s as if my body uses every ounce of energy to be happy that I’m exhausted the next day.

We have our second appointment at the clinic on Tuesday. We went for a welcome meeting back in Feb but we didn’t have my husbands sperm analysis results (GPs doing their absolute best as always- not!) and I was sent for a couple of other tests. So this appointment is to discuss my husbands results and mine. Then fingers crossed we can start our first cycle right away.

We ended today with a visit to my husbands mum and she was ironing our little nephews holiday clothes for their family holiday. I just felt so low- I was quite short with her as it just hit me AGAIN!

We are going out with them all tomorrow as we haven’t seen our baby nephew for ages and if I’m honest I don’t think I want to go. I’m learning when to stay safe and say no but if I don’t go il be feeling rubbish for not going! I just want these feelings to leave. I want the happy ending like everyone else! The mother in law then told us they have booked a mini break for us all in September and my response was “It depends on where we are with everything and we can’t plan that far ahead.” Awful I know but automatically the thoughts were: 1. We may be starting our cycle or second? 2. If the first cycle doesn’t work I may not be in the mind frame and 3. We have dogs and we may not get anyone to have them seeing as they aren’t invited! So I just had to say it.

Sorry to rant but I really couldn’t rant this to my husband as he gets upset when it’s his family in the firing line. I told him too that I didn’t want to go out tomorrow and he still went ahead and arranged for us to go so maybe he didn’t just get the hint. He did ask on my way home if I was okay and I said “Yes”. But I wasn’t.

He is the most amazing husband and this all affects him as it does me. He also finds it hard to be around babies and announcements etc. I know when we get home tomorrow he will be down and saying he wished it was us going to the park with our own baby but he’s too kind hearted and wants to put a front on and doesn’t know when to say NO.

Anyway I hope everyone had a fab Easter and spent it with loved ones. xx

[Drives]

Hey! The weather has been lovely this weekend - hope you enjoyed your BBQs.

I think we can all relate to high's and lows on this journey...got to be the hardest thing I've ever done. My bit of advice is to be honest with your partner - he's not a mind reader 😉 if you're not feeling up to socialising or a holiday away with all the family, let him know. I'm sure he will understand. You need to take care of yourself.

I hope Tuesday goes well x x

[Ruby92]

Hey I totally understand how you are feeling. I have this same battle myself all the time about wanting to avoid events that will make me upset but at the same time feeling guilt ridden. If it makes you feel any better I was planning a bbq at my house and I was trying to think of ways I could get round not inviting the sister in law because she’s ready to pop anytime soon and I know that’s all people will talk about. It’s awful that we feel this way but the thing is we all do so I take comfort that it’s normal!

It’s hard for husbands too as they are never sure what to do for the best - and neither are we so it’s just a circle!!

I think it’s really great you’ve enjoyed yourself this weekend - I’ve done that too and I think it’s important we give ourselves a break. I also totally understand what you mean about not wanting to plan too far in advance when your going through treatment you just want everything to be perfect.

It’s so unfair we have to go through these journeys to get what most people get so easily. I can’t offer much advice other than to say, I fully understand everything you said and we are all here anytime for a rant!

Best of luck with your treatment 💖✨ xxx

[Hidden]

Good for you for letting your hair down. 🍸This journey can be so depriving of yourself you deserve some treats!

As for the family situation it’s so difficult & most people I find don’t really understand. It’s very frustrating. It does seem rather insensitive of your mother in law to put you in that situation but easy for me to say having experienced 7 years of infertility.

I think you have to have a chat with your husband so he knows how you feel. You can be very diplomatic & say you are sure she means well but explain how it makes you feel. Your mental state is important this journey can really grind you down. And sometimes you have to be selfish & put yourself first. I’d be more inclined to have a break with your hubby just the two of you !!! If all goes well could be your last holiday alone for many years to come. 🙂

I have turned down many baby related events over the years. hubby has gone alone sometimes.He never pushed me to go if I felt uncomfortable. We just kept communicating together & came out of this journey stronger.It wasn’t easy the hardest thing I’ve ever done & there were many bumps along the way but we got there eventually 7 years later & our baby is due 1st June, I’m so glad we didn’t give up & kept going.

This site also supported me through some truly awful times & so grateful for it. Never be sorry for needing to get things things off your chest, much worse bottling up.

Good luck for your appointment tomorrow hope all goes well. Keeping everything your time will come soon. xxx

[PurpleLove19 in reply to Hidden]

She knows how much we are hurting and she’s actually got better with time. It wasn’t her fault we went round when she was getting the baby’s clothes ready but she then brought up baby related conversations in which frustrates me even more. My husband is at work until lunchtime so when he gets in I’m going to be honest with him about going today. If I don’t go his sister will love the fact I’m not there as I don’t think she likes me and will post pictures of them all for me to see on social media. If I go and I’m fun Auntie it winds her up I feel. So part of me wants to go but just be a little more reserved as I don’t think I help myself by putting on a front all the time and they must think oh she’s fine.

Thank you so much and congratulations on your news. I bet you are so excited and relieved x

[Hidden in reply to PurpleLove19]

It’s such a difficult situation isn’t it. People don’t want you to feel left out but if it upsets you that’s no good. Your happiness is important. Perhaps the sister feels awkward who knows. Can you unfollow her? That way you don’t have to see it. Just until you are in a better place.

I do feel very lucky we both do. But I have had to get my hubby to silence his mother. First of all she kept saying how much she wanted a girl ( obviously we had no preference just grateful to have a baby) then when it was revealed it’s a girl she quizzed us over buying everything pink & girlie in case we had another baby! We told her way before we were happy to be having one baby & counted ourselves very lucky. What she failed to understand was how difficult it was for us to get pregnant. 🙄It took us 7 years of TTC, 3 surgeries to treat my endometriosis & one early miscarriage. As my endometriosis was so bad & recurring very quickly we only had a short period to conceive. Our baby is nothing short of a complete miracle, that has slipped her mind 🙄Blinking families! I tell you 🤦🏽‍♀️my mum on the other hand gets it much better even tho she hadn’t been through it.

Do whatever feels right for you. Don’t be guilty about putting yourself first. xxx