Drained and need a break

[_DAL_]

hey everyone,

Hope everyone is doing ok, although I know that’s probably not the case with most.

I’ll be turning 40 in 3 weeks time and about to start my 2nd (last nhs funded) ivf cycle in the next 2 weeks.

I had my 1st cycle last month which sadly resulted in a negative test, and the week before that, my husbands father passed away.

We have been through the wars since April. My First cycle in April was abandoned after a failed embryo transfer attempt, they couldn’t get past my cervix with the catheter, they then froze our only embryo until investigations were done.

I was sent for a hysteroscopy to investigate, which also was abandoned as they also had the same problem, I then had a second hysteroscopy which also failed, followed by a mock transfer that failed.

They then said I would need a transmyometrial transfer.

I was really hoping for a bit of a break before started our next cycle. We only had our negative test 3 weeks ago and I feel like we’re still coming to terms with that, as well as the death of my father in law. It’s been such a horrible time for us.

I expressed this to our ivf consultant but he said that he was worried that if we didn’t start the next cycle before my 40th then we may not be granted the funding.

I feel so exhausted and mentally drained but I don’t have a choice really. Has anyone else felt this way? Is this normal to be so upset to go through this again so soon after the last cycle?

I just feel like I desperately need a break. Xxx

[Millbanks]

Hi lovely, so sorry to hear of all you've been going through.

I lost my dad during an ERA prep test then had his funeral the day after transfer just before Christmas then on Xmas eve I got a BFN. It was a lot.

I felt like I needed a break but was also so desperate to crack on - it's a dichotomy for sure.

All I can say is listen to your gut. If you need a break and can afford to fund privately, then maybe that is the best way to go. But if not maybe better to try again with your last funded option.

And yes it's completely normal to feel overwhelmed and exhausted. It's a grueling process with no guarantees at the end of it. It takes over your life and leaves you feeling empty.

But when it works its amazing - really hoping your time will come xx

[_DAL_ in reply to Millbanks]

Thank you so much!

It’s so reassuring knowing I’m not the only one who feels like this.

I was worried that this was an abnormal reaction to something I’ve been fighting for, for 7 years. I think I’m just emotionally exhausted and feeling the pressure as this is possibly our last shot.

Hope you’re ok xx

[Millbanks in reply to _DAL_]

Oh god not, not abnormal at all - it would be more abnormal if you didn't feel like this. It's such a difficult journey and completely understandable to be absolutely sick to death of it all.

Having that pressure on your last shot is really hard. I found throughout my cycles and transfers that I had to have something else planned for our "next shot" - even if it was looking at donor eggs or adoption. I just needed to know that it was never really the end and that at some point it would work.

Obviously I could never truly know this - but I needed to believe it for a period of time, to stop myself spiralling.

Much love to you xxx

[Kotick83]

I did my first (chemical) and second (negative) cycles pretty much back to back. After the chemical, which was my first ever positive after 3 years I was eager to try again. After the second cycle, I mentally couldn't do it again. It is now almost 4 months and I am starting to feel like myself again, and considering doing one third and last cycle.If you can afford going private, take a break. We didn't qualify for NHS funding, so that was an easy choice.

Whatever you decide, good luck!

[_DAL_ in reply to Kotick83]

Thank you for taking the time to reply 😊

I feel a bit better knowing I’m not alone in thinking this way.

I will be giving this cycle my last shot. I couldn’t live with the regret if I chose not to.

Im just gonna have to suck it up and get on with it. I just wish I had a bit longer to recover from the last cycle that’s all.

Hope you’re ok xx

[Twiglet2]

I’m so sorry you are going through all that 😢 Personally I would go for the next cycle if you possibly can but get yourself some counselling and or a strong support network (and maybe for your husband too) the only reason I say that is because my egg quality seemed to really dip after I turned 40, by that point I was privately funding but if you are also getting it free then I would defo go for it. A cycle only lasts a few weeks (normally I know you’ve had a lot of delays etc but hopefully now those won’t happen) so whatever the outcome you will know you did what you could and then you can take a break with no what ifs or regrets. Just my personal opinion though from going through things during the death of my FIL, SIL, redundancy, covid chaos etc there were times I felt like you do now xx

[_DAL_ in reply to Twiglet2]

Thanks for your message.

I think I needed to hear that. You’re right, I know I couldn’t live with the regret of not going ahead.

I think yesterday, I was feeling really overwhelmed after the appointment with our consultant and was in a bit of shock, as I always thought they encouraged a break between cycles.

Obviously my age has played a huge part in this and I do understand the need to get going asap, I was just wishing to get started again in the new year, and selfishly wanted to enjoy my 40th without meds, feeling lousy and overthinking. Xx

[PineappleCrumble]

I don't have a lot of practical advice. Just sending you so much love. You've really been through it.

All I would say, is feelings, though powerful, are temporary. You may end up looking back and thinking 'i wish i had done that last round'. What I mean by that, is that you'll forget the pain you're in now. You'll get through it. And there's no way of knowing if the next round will work, but if it does, you'll be so glad you did it.

Please protect your mental health, I don't know about yours but my NHS funded ivf includes counselling, if i want it. I think i'll definitely take them up on it if my current round fails, to help me process and prepare for the next go. This community here, and your own friends and family, will hopefully be able to provide you with some support, and help you feel less alone.

It's all so exhausting. It should be so much simpler than it is. I really feel for you.

Sending you all the love and luck x

[_DAL_ in reply to PineappleCrumble]

Thanks for your message 😊

I’ve had a bit of time to sleep on it, I think I was definitely overwhelmed yesterday after that appointment with our consultant.

I just didn’t see that coming and got really upset and then started to question myself to why I had such a strong reaction.

Everything is still very raw and I don’t think I’ve dealt with all of the fails we’ve had this year, I guess it just all got the better of me yesterday and I was in a bit of a state, not feeling prepared.

Thanks for your message, you’re completely right, I don’t want any regrets.

Wishing you all the best for your cycle 🙏 xx

[PineappleCrumble in reply to _DAL_]

So normal to go through that cycle of emotions, especially after everything you've been through. Thanks so much xxx

[Milo2011]

Sorry to hear that DAL. I had a pretty similar experience but the only difference was that I privately funded my treatment as I had just turned 40 when I was referred for fertility treatment . Although I’ve heard some counties still fund women up to the age of 42 but black county where I live has a cap of 40 for NHS funding. I started my treatment in March and on day 9 scan they found a polyp which I would put to their negligence as it should’ve been captured in the initial scan. I had no choice at this point other than completing the treatment and retrieving the eggs but then paid extra for freezing and thawing the blastocysts. Luckily I had private treatment through work so got the polyp removed pretty quickly without having to wait in NHS waiting list. I resumed my treatment later in August with a double embryos day 5 transfer thawed after 5 months but got a BFN on 27th September. The TWW was the longest period of my life by far when I did nothing other than lying in bed and crying everyday cuz I had a feeling I wouldn’t happen and my feelings were damn right! Wont trouble you with the aftermath of BFN and the lack of support I had at home but 4 days ofter my BFN I received a phone call saying my beloved aunt was in palliative care as they’d rushed her to hospital with sever stomach pain. I packed and caught the next train to London and sat by my aunts bed for 4 nights counting her breaths as we were told it’ll be a matter of hours before she goes. She died four days after and I’ve no idea how I went from grieving for my loss and wanting to kill myself as there was no support at home to 4 sleepless nights in Chelsea hospital followed by my aunts death and arranging her funeral in a matter of 6 days… I only tell you this so you know you’re not alone. We are all humans and share the same dreams, the same feelings and we are quite the same in many ways! It’s completely normal to feel the way you do.

Sending you big hugs and strength and wishing you best of luck with your next cycle xxx

[_DAL_ in reply to Milo2011]

I’m so sorry for your losses, it’s such a horrendous heavy feeling when you’re experiencing a close family loss on top of a BFN at the same time.

Your message resonates so much with me and I really appreciate you sharing. Honestly thank you for making me feel less alone in this.

I’m going ahead with this next nhs cycle. I would hugely regret it if I didn’t and I couldn’t live with that, on top of everything else.

I just had a massive freak out yesterday because I just wasn’t expecting it to be so soon after the last cycle.

I hope you’re doing ok and being kind to yourself xxx