After a failed fresh transfer last year we were waiting for my period to start so we could have our grozen transfer in April. Due to PCOS, my periods are always late. At 57 days I did a pregnancy test because a child I teach had shingles and my pregnant teaching assistant was advised to get checked out. Amazingly, in absolute shock, I saw my first ever cross on the test. Five more positive tests later, we found we were 2-3 weeks pregnant!!!! The best day of my life.
It was the happiest 10 days of my life. The IVF clinic said they have nothing to do with us now because it happened naturally and I couldn't get through to any of the community midwives. I felt very anxious with no medication to try and thicken my lining. The whole week I was in a daydream. A happy yet anxious bubble.
Tragically, on Sunday I miscarried our miracle. Heartbroken and empty, I am returning to work tomorrow. I feel so blessed to have fallen pregnant naturally. I do believe the mindefulness and reflexology counselling I have been doing has made it possible for me to get pregnant naturally as I was less stressed. But I am mourning the loss of our miracle baby and feel like I failed my precious baby. I willed it to stay safe inside. I know they say you aren’t to blame, but I can’t help blaming all of the heavy books and bags I have carried to and from work. Now I need to pick myself up and be strong and get back in touch with the clinic to start my frozen transfer. I don’t know if anyone else felt the same after a miscarriage, but I felt such an instant bond, a love for what it might become. I feel such guilt, even towards rushing into my frozen transfer. I need to mourn my miracle baby but at the same time I don’t want to push my frozen transfer back even further. As it has been postponed months due to the consultant going on an extended holiday back to his home country and my rubbish periods.
Today my Mam and I planted a white rose and some daffodils so that every Spring, when the daffodils flower, it will be a special reminder.
Sorry for the long rambling, I just know someone will understand and I needed to get my thoughts out of my head.
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ChihuahuaMam
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I so hear you! I’ve had similar experience in that I fell pregnant naturally for just a week once and I felt so connected to the tiny life inside me and then devastated when I had a chemical pregnancy. So painful. I then had another natural preg a year later and miscarried at 6 weeks and then was told I had low ovarian reserves and needed ivf to conceive. Miraculously I got pregnant just before ivf was due to begin but miscarried at 8 weeks. Then I did ivf and only 1 follicle grew BUT what everyone keeps saying to me is how good it is that I CAN get pregnant. So I think it’s a good sign you can get pregnant and hopefully the next one will stick. It’s easy to look for reasons why it didn’t work and blame ourselves but you need to do the opposite. Be extra loving to yourself. It’s so highly unlikely you did anything that could have thwarted the pregnancy, it’s more likely the egg had an abnormal chromosome or something like that.
I am sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I wish you all the luck on your journey. You deserve your miracle ending. I do believe we are all special ladies on this journey and it makes the final outcome all the more amazing. Whether that be our own baby or adoption, our baby will be so loved and wanted. It is just so hard at the momemt but I am hopeful for my miracle ending. Stay strong too.
Good luck and take care.
XxxxX
I’m so very sorry for your loss. It is so cruel & heartbreaking. Rest assured it is not your fault in anyway.
I had a early miscarriage in July 2017 & it took me a while to come to terms with. All the feelings you are having are understandable. With time it did eventually get better. Don’t go expecting too much from yourself it’s such early days. And if you need more time off work be selfish & put your needs first. Your doctor can sign you off. Please know this will get better in time.
In time we took our loss as positive; we managed to conceive after 6 years of not managing to & it proved endometriosis was the cause of infertility. Our fertility doctor reassured us we were unlucky to miscarry but there was no reason to suspect it would happen again just one of those awful things. He was right because we fell again 13 months after the loss after my third laparoscopy with an endo surgeon to treat endometriosis ( it grew back so badly after my loss I needed 2 surgeries) & I’m now 30 weeks pregnant with a little girl. She hasn’t replaced the loss we suffered but she has brought us so much happiness & has mended our broken hearts.
You can do this again with a better outcome miracles do happen ❤️
Going forward perhaps next time the fertility specialist will allow you to have progesterone pessaries as like endo PCOS can give you lower levels of progesterone. I was given progesterone pessaries from a positive test till 12 weeks . I believe this helped this pregnancy. I also looked into various things such as diet to control my endometriosis better.
Nothing anyone will say will make this feel better but know I am thinking of you & hope you have lots of support around you during this awful time. ❤️ xoxo
Thank you so much for your kind words. Congratulations! I am so happy for you and you deserve all of the halpiness that will come.
I found work was actually a good distraction however I was exhausted by the end. I need to start making phone calls tomorrow to the doctor and the clinic. I went to the walk in centre when I first started to bleed but haven't seen anyone since.
O god my heart absolutely goes out to you. I am so so sorry for your loss. I hope you can grieve and mourn your loss of not only your baby but your future dreams. I read your post and couldn’t believe the sad tale at the end, i really feel for you. I had a miscarriage natural pregnancy 7 years ago and it still impacts specifically as we have unexplained infertility and had our first failed fresh ivf cycle a month ago. Give yourself time, don’t push yourself to do or feel anything. I am feeling for you xx
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