πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’” I want our baby back - Fertility Network UK

Fertility Network UK

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πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’” I want our baby back

oharal
oharal
β€’74 Replies

I don't know where to turn. I tried googling miscarriage forums but not felt safe so I've turned here because I know the great support offered.

As most of you know we had a failed icsi cycle in February, it was tough but it was ok. My next period was late and a lot of people said it was normal due to icsi medication, we left it a bit longer before i just knew, I knew we were pregnant and as if by a miracle we had fallen pregnant naturally. We went for an early scan which showed I was 6 weeks are our little miracles heart was beating away perfectly. We were living a dream but only for 5 days when I had a bright red bleed, it lasted only an afternoon and we got booked for a scan in 2 days time. The scan came round and the sonographer turned the screen away and then said she was sorry, she turned the screen round and said our baby hadn't grown and the heart had stopped. I just cried. How? How could our baby's heart beat be there one day but be gone the next? It's not fair.

We were told I was having a missed miscarriage and we need to wait to see if my body naturally passed the baby. So far no luck so the EPU unit hasn't booked me in for an MVA on Friday. I kept saying I just wanted the baby gone but now I don't, I just want our baby back. I want the heart to restart. I want to be pregnant with a live baby again. I want to feel all the happiness we felt. I want to buy baby clothes. I want to prepare our baby's room. I want to feel sick. I want our baby back.

I don't know what to do or how to feel? I just keep saying sorry and crying. It's my first night alone tonight as my partner isn't here and I feel so lost. I am currently laying in bed on my iPad with the scan picture of our baby with me. I really don't know how I cope or how to stop the tears. I want to feel ok. I'm sure my body is going to run out of tears. It's not fair!!!!!!!!

Sorry for the really long post I don't know what to do, where to go, I just needed to rant and get out my feelings. My partner has been amazing but I can't phone him in tears as he'll feel bad and I know he isn't suffering just as much. We laid here the first night and he just cried himself to sleep. It was horrible. I just hugged him. I didn't know what to say or do. I just want our baby back!! Xxx

74 Replies
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Dearest Oharal, I am so so sorry for what you are going through. You write so movingly and from the heart of what you are going through and I just want to send you lots of love across the computer lines and will pray for you/hold you in my positive thoughts before I go to bed.

Is there somebody you could ring if it would help just rant and cry about it as you say? Or even the samaritans? I have phoned them before in difficult moments when alone and at end of my tether and it has helped. But I would still consider phoning hubby. This is the long horrible dark night of the soul. I know you know it 'will get better' but this is the hard dark moment of grief, and I am so sorry, it is just that awful 'tearing apart' inside. There are no words.

Hang on in there my friend. Glad you have posted. xx

oharal
oharal in reply to Coracle

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. My partner just called and I had a cry down the phone, hopefully all the crying is grieving and I'll feel better soon. I know I'll be okay, the tearing apart really is awful xx

Coracle
Coracle in reply to oharal

So pleased you connected with hubby and had a good cry. Thinking of you. Hope you sleep xxx

I'm so sorry I wish there was a way to grant your wish x

oharal
oharal in reply to Autumnmoon

Thank you xxx

Couldn't read and move on...so just sending a big hug from afar. No words that can help at the moment, but hopefully you can take some comfort from knowing that people on here know how you are feeling and also that the pain changes over time. Take each day as it comes and don't torture yourself by thinking 'what if...?' I truly wish you all the best.

oharal
oharal in reply to Mannjj43

Thank you for replying, it's means so much. Your right about taking each days as it comes. ❀️

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I agree take each day as it comes. Let yourself feel all the feelings and it will help. It’s an horrendous feeling to go from excitement to sadness in such a short space of time and that will take a while to get your head round too.

Day by day the grief will get better, some days it will still hit you but it will hurt a little bit less.

Look after each other.

X

X

oharal
oharal in reply to Binky1983

It's weird how you feel so alone but you're not. Thank so much xxx

I’m so so sorry. I’ve had two mmcs. I know how you feel, truly. I’m so sorry for your pain xx

oharal
oharal in reply to Tugsgirl

The pain is horrible. You are a very strong lady xx

Words fail at such a time. I'm so so sorry and my heart breaks for you. The pain you are in is unimaginable.cry as much as you can and take one day at a time.sending you my love and hugs. I'm terriblly sorry. Hang in there.πŸ’”πŸ’”

oharal
oharal in reply to Lawmom

Thank you xxx

You poor thing. The miscarriage association have a phone line you can call which might help as well. I’m so sorry for the pain you are feeling x

I'll take a look, thanks xx

Oh lovey. What torture this whole process is anyway without giving you a miracle and ripping it from under you.

You won’t feel it now but somewhere beneath this pain and heartache you have an amazing amount of strength which will turn on and help you soon. Cry as much as you need to. Sending lots of love xx

oharal
oharal in reply to emu2016

Thank you lovely xxx

So so sorry for your loss. This is utterly cruel and unfair. I hope you found some sleep in the end last night. You are never alone in experiencing this, although i’m Sure it must feel that way. Sending you love, hugs and hope to get through this difficult time xxxxx πŸ€—β€οΈπŸŒˆ

oharal
oharal in reply to Laceygirl

Thanks so much, it really does mean so much xxx

I’m so sorry, my fiancΓ© and I have suffered 4 miscarriages, and like you we had a scan baby was doing brilliantly with a lovely strong heart beat and 2 days later our baby had gone I cried I screamed I felt so lost, you cry and scream let it all out and keep talking to your partner allow yourself to grieve and always know that you are not alone.

Sending lots of love to you and your partner ❀️❀️❀️

Karen xxx

oharal
oharal in reply to 80sDiva

Hi Karen, wow, you are a very strong lady. I know we will be okay but being okay feels a long way away xxx

80sDiva
80sDiva in reply to oharal

Thank you, you will get there you will have good and bad days just take each day as it comes ❀️❀️❀️ Xxx

😒 I am so so sorry to read this. Sending you so much Love and a big hug. Its so hard to understand why this journey has to be so cruel. I have no words but sending you lots of positive and healing energy xxxx

oharal
oharal in reply to JCJM

Thank you xxxx

Im so so sorry to hear you're having to go through this. I've been through 4 miscarriages myself and it's a horrible feeling to have something taken away from you that you want so badly.

I think what helped me was initially letting yourself feel sad, then distraction and maing a plan for what we were going to do next. Also knowing miscarriages are so common and its nothing that you have done wrong. The liklihood is next time you're pregnant you won't have one (4 miscarriages is not very common)!

Its good your husband is supporting you. It will get easier and you won't feel like this forever. For now, take care of yourself. xxxx

oharal
oharal in reply to think30

Thank you. We have a little plan and my friends are being great and making plans with me to keep me busy xxx

This is so heart-breaking. I'm so sorry. I know that distress all too well; the confusion, the rage, the gut-wrenching desire to turn the clocks back to that moment of joy when you found out you were pregnant. I echo what everyone else says; you're not alone even though it feels like the loneliest place in the world. Take the time to grieve and try and keep talking xxx

oharal
oharal in reply to PenRight80

Thank you xxx

I’m so sorry for your loss. There is nothing I can say that can make you feel better now. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable. Warm baths, crying all day if you have to, googling. Don’t try to put a brave face on for anyone and don’t be afraid to let people know what you need. This will pass, someday soon you’ll start to feel better and stronger but there’s no rush and right now it’s all about you. Sending love πŸ’•

oharal
oharal in reply to SnottyCow

Thank you xxx

Hidden
Hidden

I’m so truly sorry for this devastation and excruciating pain. I’ve had 3 mmc’s 8 weeks following honeymoon...never should have gone on that flight, second time the same as you, a beautiful heart beat then gone the next week and at 12 weeks :( I know how you’re feeling and I wish I could take the pain away and bring your baby back. Take time to grieve and I promise you will get stronger!!! Sending lots of love xxx

oharal
oharal in reply to Hidden

Thank you lovely, it's tough we are all made of steel I'm sure xx

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through & can totally relate - it’s 3 wks since my surgical miscarriage mgmt & although I’m back to work & physically better, the emotional pain is still there, even tho I try to put on a brave face for the world!! All I want is that healthy baby I seen with a heartbeat!! πŸ’”

Sending you love and strength!! πŸ’—xxx

oharal
oharal in reply to Leo2017

The doctor has signed me off from2 weeks, I'm hoping by then I'll feel stronger. Thanks xxx

Leo2017
Leo2017 in reply to oharal

I’m glad to hear that - I was also signed off for 2wks after which I was glad off, just back this week!!

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other - you will get through this!! xx

Oh Im so sorry to read this! My heart goes out to you both. Sending lots of love to you at this awful time!xx

oharal
oharal in reply to Cinderella5

Thank you cxx

I am so sorry and am sitting here crying as I read your message. I have had two miscarriages and I feel your pain. I am glad you have been signed off for a bit. Sending you lots of love xxx

oharal
oharal in reply to Flimzee

I did mean to make anyone cry, I just needed to escape my own feelings, thanks xxx

Flimzee
Flimzee in reply to oharal

I know you didn't, but it's just very sad. Sending love and thinking of you xxx

hi hun, I am so sorry for your bad news. . .I know it does not feel like it now, but it will get better, believe me I know. Take your time to grieve. Think of the positive, you managed to get pregnant naturally, if its happened once, it will happen again. You have each other, thats the main thing.

I know it hurts so much, but please try and stay positive. Take all the time you need first and get better xxx

oharal
oharal in reply to ditsy999

Thank you xxx

I’m so sorry for your loss. No words will take away the loss but hopefully time will make it easier to live with. Important to grieve. I hope ur feeling ok this morning. Sending you lots of love

oharal
oharal in reply to Asweetpea

Thank you. Feeling better xxx

Hidden
Hidden

So very sorry. You rant all you want to and cry whenever you need to. Sending love ❀️

oharal
oharal in reply to Hidden

Thank you xx

I feel your pain and am in exactly the same position. I found out on Saturday that I had a missed miscarriage. Monday I went into hospital and stayed overnight until I passed everyhing with the help of tablets. I feel as though I actually gave birth to everything yet have been left with nothing. I was supposed to be 16 weeks but the baby measured less than 13. I don't want to see anyone, not even family. I can't bear the sombre conversation. My husband has been my rock and I couldn't cope without him. I too felt as though I possibly couldn't have any more tears left in my body. It will take time for both of us to grieve, and I imagine only time will help. I feel I need to focus on what to do next now. Even though it's soin to thibk about this, it will keep me from thinking about what weve lost. We have 4 frozen eggs left from this round and I owe it to the next embie to give it all I possibly can. I hope you find some peace in time, all my love xxx

oharal
oharal in reply to ashlou86

Oh wow, that is so sad. Im so sorry for your loss. I hope your hubby is holding up okay. I think grieving and planning for your next step is the best we can do at the moment, take each day as it comes. Sending lots of love and luck for them embies xxx

Hidden
Hidden

Take one day at a time I’m so very very sorry, remember you are a warrior and you will fight again for what you want but for now be calm and kind to yourself, sending u all my best positive thoughts xxx

oharal
oharal in reply to Hidden

Thank you xx

I’m so sorry to read this. It’s so hard, I wish I could take the pain away for you. Take the time you need to grieve, it’s ok to be devastated by this. Thinking of you and your husband xx

oharal
oharal in reply to Catlady2013

Thank you xx

Big hugs to you my lovely. I know how you feel it's the worst feeling ever, take your time and maybe contact the miscarriage association like the others have suggested. Don't expect too much from yourself just go with it hun it's hard and you need support. Thinking of you sweetheart πŸ’πŸ’πŸ˜˜

I think I'll take a look at their website. Thank you xx

I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through. I had a Chemical Pregnancy so have some idea of how you’re feeling but I imagine losing a baby later on when you’ve had chance to believe it’s happening and seen a scan picture is worse.

All I can say is that you have to allow the tears to come. Allow yourself to grieve. The pain will probably never leave you entirely but it will get easier and at some point you’ll be able to think about starting to try again. Sending you a big hug x

oharal
oharal in reply to Lynnr54

Each miscarriage is distressing. I hope you are also okay. Xxx

I feel every word here, I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. Can you reach out to your clinic and ask for some counselling? We are not robots after all and, my goodness, you have been through so much. Sending all my love xx

oharal
oharal in reply to Wishfully

Yeah I think I may take some. Thanks xx

Your post has made me cry and the pain you are suffering is so so very sad. I wish I could do or say something to help you. Many will say be strong but I am going to tell you to let the tears fall for as long as they need to xxx

Thank you so much, sorry for making you cry xxx

Sorry to read this has happened....It’s not fair.

I know some of the ladies on here have contacted Tommy’s and they have been very supportive. Have a look when you feel ready x

tommys.org/pregnancy-inform...

oharal
oharal in reply to Hollibob

Oh perfect, I will take a look. Thank you so much xxx

Hidden
Hidden

I'm so sorry, I feel heartbroken for you. Sending you and your partner big hugs xxx

oharal
oharal in reply to Hidden

Thank you xx

Hi Oharal

It probably doesn't help, but these are all things you need to feel. You're grieving, and you need to take time to heal physically and mentally!

I have miscarried twice, but Never saw the baby's. I have tortured myself, researching and blaming myself. I'm coping better, but I can't say I'm over it.

One thing that helped me was to buy something to remind me of the pregnancy. I went with a candelabra, with orange scented candles, since that's what I craved (with the first). I light it on days when I feel low.

I am sending big hugs and lots of baby dust. I hope you get your happy ending soon x

oharal
oharal in reply to Kvelvetrose

That's a really lovely idea. I have been enjoying cooking and baking the last few days as it keeps my mind busy. Thank you so much xx

I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss; it must have been so awful to get such unexpected awful news.

I had a miscarriage last year at 4 and a half weeks ; but as I had bleeding I expected no heart beat at 6 weeks scan. Yours must have come out of nowhere.such a a shock.

It is one of the hardest things I’ve experienced but it does feel less raw with time.

I can really identify with the feelings; because I have felt those painful feelings you describe. A day at a time; is all I can say one day you will feel stronger and you will find the strength to carry on 😊

My fertility specialist had this to say about our loss” through the dark cloud the silver lining is you managed to conceive and this is very positive β€œ. Do take comfort from the fact you did conceive; this is progress I know it doesn’t feel like it now.

You ever need to talk please feel free to pm me anytime xoxo

oharal
oharal in reply to jess1981

I think all miscarriages are hard. It is the hardest thing we have ever had to deal with and it hurts so much.

Thank you so much. I feel a lot better today, we have a plan which is what we needed.

That is true and we can't let this over shadow the amazing thing my body done! Thank you so much xx

Dear oharal, I hope you managed to get some sleep overnight. It’s just so shit shit f***ing shitty!! The body seems to have an infinite amount of tears but also an infinite amount of strength. Slowly your tears will turn back to strength. In my experience time is the only thing that helps. Looking back in 1, 2, 6 months you will hopefully feel a bit better a bit more human again, little bit at a time. Keep the communications going with your hubby, sounds like you’ve got an amazing relationship there xx

I am so very very sorry for what has happened & what you are going through πŸ˜”.

Reading your words (& feeling your pain through them) is just how I felt back in November . We too had an MMC after our first IVF/ICSI cycle.

The grief feels so overwhelming -All I can say is it does get gradually easier as time passes . Take care of yourself & sending big hugs xx

Oharal, I’m so very sorry to hear of your heartbreak.

I couldn’t just read and move on, I just want to say how deeply and honestly sorry I am... I can only imagine the pain you and your partner must be going through.

Ive only experienced a fraction of what you have, but I can completely share in your feelings of loss, injustice and pure sorrow.

Please don’t apologise for your β€˜rant’ in fact we must ALL stop apologising for our rants. It’s wherever you feel safe expressing yourself.

From one stranger to another; you’re in my thoughts and I’m sending lots of virtual hugs. Always reach out β€οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

Hidden
Hidden

I'm so sorry πŸ˜” Take care of yourself xx

I can totally relate to all youre thoughts and feelings. I had a mmc and currently going through anotherπŸ˜”.... Youre story is the same as my first pregnancy. Sending you a hug. Remember you are not alone. Talk about it as much as you like and cry about it as much as you need to. It gets better in time i promise. Don't rush yourself..... I emailed and called the miscarriage association for help and support. I would recommend it. But also before I knew it and spoke to my friends I found I wasn't alone and we shared experiences. Sorry you're going through this xx

Oh I feel your sadness that is heartbreaking life is so unfair. I hope you got through the last few days ok & can stay strong . I hope things get better for you soon. You got pregnant once it can happen again . Hold on tight to your oh he sounds so sweet. xxx

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