Hello, apologies straight away, I'm new to this...
Not sure where to start or what to say, but basically I'm crashing through so many negative emotions at the moment I don't know what to do. I can't even be bothered to eat (which is a BIG thing for me).
The problem I have is that I haven't been able to find someone to talk to...
Hopefully, talking on here could help
What is it that you’re worried about?
A couple of things that helped me with getting rid of negativity was the Mindful IVF app and the mediation sessions on there. Plus, chatting to a counsellor at the clinic. Most clinics have one and (usually) the first session is free x
I'm not on any IVF cycle and I don't think I could go through that again. I go through phases of completing hating myself because of my infertility, especially because I think it's linked to a lot of the negativity in my adult life. I just don't know what to do about it. I've had counseling and a year of therapy and I still feel miserable...and it makes me so angry, with myself, my husband, doctors, friends, family...basically everyone
Hi Orangeandfuzzy
It really sounds like whatever care you have been given so far has just not worked for you. As well as guilt there is anger. All aimed at yourself. You need to try to find a way to forgive yourself and be good to yourself. Go back to your Dr and explain that you are still not feeling better and need something else. It's really hard to even think about starting to forgive but it has to come from there. What therapies have you tried? Maybe the Dr can suggest something else?
Big hugs lovely. Remember you are an amazing, strong and lovely person. You will get through this and you have your husband and family around you for support. Xxx
Hi Camillage
I regularly swing between anger and despair and in both cases, very drastically. How can I forgive myself when I can't even understand why this all happened? No one knows, no one can tell me anything, and I have spent years telling myself that my infertility is my fault. I don't know what else I can do, therapy wise, I never remember what anything is called...
I appreciate the hugs and the kind messages, but I do not feel remotely strong or lovely, I feel like a burden and drain on my husband. Worst of all, I find myself occasionally thinking about leaving him, so that he has the chance to have a family with someone capable. I know this would break both our hearts, but I'm struggling to bear the pain of the hurt I think he's suffering because of me.
I'm sorry if this is tmi 
Please go and speak with your Dr about more help. I also found kineseology and mindfulness really helpful. There is no blame for infertility it just is. Somehow we all have to find a way to battle through this. Being so down that you consider leaving the love of your life is not making a decision from a stable and informed mind space.
Try keeping a grateful diary where you write down each day a couple of things you are grateful for. It can be anything from "managed to get up and wash my hair", to "he brought me a lovely cup of tea" to simply "I smiled at a robin in the garden". Can be huge or small but if you start to focus and recognise the positive things each day that will help. Small steps.
Try to think of happy memories, recapture the person inside, who you were before all this started.
Wear clothes you like, make time for date night, watch box sets together, go to a concert. Do what you used to do.
You could even try to talk to each other once a day to tell each other one thing you both did that day which made you happy, and discuss why. Focus on the positives and you will get there xxxx
Camillage,
All of what you've said makes absolute sense, when I am feeling rational and capable of normal thought. However, when I'm feeling really down, the above simply isn't possible, simply because I do not feel capable of doing any of it.
Luckily, I seem to have come out from beneath my recent cloud of negativity and I am feeling much better. However, I will try and remember these ideas and maybe start putting things in place as soon as I start feeling negative again.
Many thanks for your kind words and support.
I totally understand. It is awful with depression that when we need to be rational the most, we are incapable. However you were able to reach out on here, so you do have the power.
Big hugs lovely. We are all here for you xx
Camillage,
Many thanks for your kind words.
The main problem I have at the moment is that I would love nothing more than to shed all the negativity in my life so that I can start living and feeling positive.
this is a great place to share your worries or have a vent. When youre ready to talk more about whats going on I know there will be plenty of people here willing to help xo
I feel awful that the first thing I do on here is vent but I'm finding things hard at the moment. The problem I have with talking about stuff is that nothing seems to get any better. I know this sounds childish and naive, but I've been feeling like this on and off for about 15 years...I'm tired of it all...
Dont feel bad.. a lot of us come here to vent! Can I ask where you are on your fertility journey? I suppose there isnt any magic answer but i find this forum helps knowing that youre not alone
I suppose until I joined this place, I did feel alone. When I was initially diagnosed, I was quite young and pretty much left to fend for myself. As I could older, I felt I should have been able to control my feelings better, like most women manage to do and felt inadequate when I couldn't do so.
In terms of my fertility journey, my husband and I fell pregnant on our first go of IVF. It was the most beautiful 8 weeks of my life. Then, when we went for our 12- week scan, that I'd suffered a missed miscarriage. Devastating doesn't come close to how we felt.
We have decided that neither of us may ever be able to try IVF again, it was just too emotionally crippling. We are however in the process of arranging a meeting with an adoption agency, so hopefully we'll find our family there.
Many thanks for talking to me, I really do feel better knowing that people know how this feels
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. I am sure things will get better. I know how it feels like to be on this journey. I am in the same boat as yours. Things in the past have not really been the best. However, in order to divert myself from the sadness, I usually keep myself occupied. I take yoga classes and they do help a lot. Apart from that I also spend time cooking.
Hi hannahding,
Diverting myself is great and I almost feel human for a while. But, as soon as I'm not doing something (like when I try an sleep), I find myself dwelling on all this crap. Before I know it, I'm up until 4am depressed out of my skull and wondering why I can't just get over myself.
I remind myself of the things that I do have and how much they mean to me. I also think about how much luckier I am to others in the world with less. However, this doesn't stop the hurt. I know I don't feel the hurt all the time, but when I do, it feels like I'll never smile again and that I'm drowning under the weight of storm clouds.
Hi there! I know infertility is hard but you just can't give up like that. I think you should go to a different clinic. Changing the clinic really made a difference in my treatment. I hope it helps you as well. Good luck!
Give up on what exactly? Infertility or IVF?
Hi orange and fuzzy. You have come to the right place. This site is great for support. Have you also tried cognitive behaviour therapy? I struggled since the age of 13 with mental health issues, depression/anxiety doesn’t discriminate, it can happen to anyone and their isn’t always a trigger. I was 28 when I finally got help. I was in a negative cycle of thought which also caused insomnia and nightmares. Alongside the CBT therapy sessions I started forcing myself to go swimming and yoga and eating better. Most days I didn’t want to go and couldn’t see the point but when I forced myself to go and I was there, I felt a lot more relaxed and after time began to see a way through things. I think the combination of medical support and treating yourself right is key. It’s hard....really hard but please don’t give up on yourself. There are people out there who love you and you do deserve their love no matter how you are feeling right now. Don’t push them away, keep them close because I’m sure if the tables were turned you would be there for your other half. Please go back and see your GP or self refer via iTalk. Focus on yourself so that if you decide to adopt you will be ready to welcome a little one in your life. We are considering adoption if our next cycle doesn’t work. Changing someone’s life for the better would be such an amazing thing to do. Wishing you all the best Xx
LKT1,
I know what you're saying makes sense and I really appreciate you saying it. However, the problem I have is that I find it really hard to keep pushing myself to keep going and really struggle to be optimistic. I know this sounds a little on the pathetic side, but despite counseling and therapy, I'm still stuck believing the worst case scenario is the only scenario in most situations.
I'm sorry to be a downer
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