Struggling with failed IVF

We have been ttc for a number of years - all tests come back normal - had one blighted ovum MMC two years ago and nothing since

Decided to embark on self funded ivf as I am 41 and OH 47. Responded well and had 16 follicles but on collection day they couldn’t get to my ovaries and only managed to get 3 eggs. 2 fertilised but were only grade 2 and 3 - both put back on day 2. I am 10 dpet and have started spotting and cramping this eve - not due to test until Friday but know it’s over

I only told my sister (who gave birth the 2nd day of my stims) and obvs my OH. He is away this week in the Far East and my sister is drowning in new baby challenges

I feel so lonely and so so so upset. I am SURROUNDED by babies.. my sister, the two people I work with closest are both pregnant - one a mistake she could ‘do without’.. I’ve never felt pain and sadness like this and I don’t know what to do. Lying here not bothered eating etc just got nothing to give

I know it’s only my first try so it’s early doors but time is so short and it was really supposed to work!

How do i cope with this? How do I go to work tomorrow and act fine? I am in a high pressure job and it’s a high pressure time so can’t take time off. I need a hug from my Mum but she doesn’t even know as she would just worry and get anxious. I really need some advice how to try and manage my emotions - can anyone help? Thank you so much x

[genten]

Aww I'm so sorry for your story so far.

I had a bfn last month with no spotting. I really don't know what your outcome will be but don't give up yet.

I'm glad you've reached out to us here and I hope we can offer some comfort and support to you.

I think the way you're feeling is unfortunately very normal.

I know you are in a high pressure job and work is important but if you really can't face it them don't go, you come first 100% and the work will still be there.

Other than looking after yourself, it's a case of keeping as busy as possible, filling the time up. Also reaching out here helps me when I need it.

I would suggest telling someone else that you can trust that will support you or seeking some specialist counselling, I've not tried it but lots of ladies here have and they highly recommend it.

Always here if you need to chat. Xx

[Hidden in reply to genten]

Thanks so much, I am so sorry you got a BFN. Are you going to try again straight away or give yourself some time off?

[genten in reply to Hidden]

Thank you.

I'm going to try again next month, can't face it this month. Although I am feeling much better and more positive. Xxx

[Gibboreo]

I'm so sorry Daisy1245 - I wish I could give you a hug. I think how you're feeling is completely understandable. I think you're doing exactly the right thing by reaching out, sharing your pain, asking for help through this forum. I have a similar work situation and have been really struggling to push back / take time off to deal with my fertility issues. I recently decided to talk to my boss about it, and to share my situation with a close colleague at work. I know that's not possible for everyone, but for me it really has helped, and I have felt a little more empowered to prioritise my health over work (although still a work in progress). Just know that you're not alone in this, and I hope you’re able to take some time for yourself when you can to find the space to just feel sad and to seek support/comfort.

[Hidden in reply to Gibboreo]

Thanks so much for replying. I worked throughout my miscarriage, and have worked throughout my ivf - I am in a really male oriented job and had already been asked if I was going to have children as it would impact my career prospects!! Terrible I know. I now wonder whether I should have taken time off, and maybe not gone round Ikea the day after ET! Kicking myself for not taking it easier but just don’t know how to say no to work without risking a disciplinary - and ironically only staying as they have amazing maternity!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

That is awful and I am not sure if legal that they tell you having a baby would impact on your career prospects!?!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

funny I just replied to you about that lower down. MD has since left, and other management when told about this discussion always look shocked and say its appalling .. but I also know they have invested a lot in me on the basis I am 41 and I think they think I have 'chosen to be childless and a career woman'

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I have direct messaged you. And, I too am 41 xx

[Waterfall2]

I can't give a diverse how to manage your emotions all I can say is you aren't alone. I know how you feel I've recently had two cancelled cycles and during that time had 3 pregnancy announcements at work. Today was the 3rd and I hid in the toilets and cried, I am not usually an emotional person I guess I am a bit of a tom boy but I think this has all finally got to me. All I am trying to do is look for little positives everyday, take my time and take this opportunity to get myself as fit and healthy for my next attempt.

Sending you a virtual hug.

Take care xx

[Hidden in reply to Waterfall2]

I am so sorry to hear you are struggling too. Its strange you say that as I am also a bit of a tomboy and don't tend to cry or share my emotions but omg I am in pieces. The commute today was hell with all the 'baby on board' badges left right and centre. I wish we had a crystal ball and could see if/when it will happen for us and I think I would generally be a much nicer calmer person. I think thats a really good tip for trying to find positives and getting yourself in better shape. After a massive drunken Friday night if my test comes back BFN I should focus on being a better person all round. I am already trying to work out my dates to see how quickly I can try again, feels like the only way to deal with this for the time being.

Sending a virtual hug back xx

[Kempton]

I'm so sorry to hear you are in this position. I know you say you work in a high pressure job but could you consider taking some time off? After my first failed cycle I was broken and tried to keep going like nothing was wrong. Eventually the pressure caught up with me and I had to leave a job I loved and had worked so hard at. I was a wreck for months and months after. I truly believe if I'd taken time out immediately I would have had time to digest things and deal with it all better. I would also advise seeing a fertility counsellor to help you deal with the grief... it is a type of grief and it's one that is so hard to deal with because you've decided (like me) to only share with a select few people.

Just as an aside, you haven't reached test date yet so try to hold on to hope..you just never know. After I had a FET I thought it was all over for me due to no symptoms. I now have my precious baby.

Wishing you the best of luck and I hope you find a way to get Deal with this.

[Hidden in reply to Kempton]

Thanks so much for replying and many many congratulations for your baby!

I am in sales, if I take time off they will give my account to someone else and I will be left with nothing to work on when I get back. I've seen it happen to someone who had to take time off as their father was dying, and someone who was ill with cancer! Its that ruthless. Its year end at the moment and I am under heaps of pressure to close a multi million dollar deal and all I want to do is scream at everyone and tell them how little I care!

I do worry that I am bottling things up. I worked all the way through my miscarriage and I ended up needing surgery but didn't take any time off after that and just worked from home. My OH is a very practical deal with it and move on type and to this day he doesn't quite understand why I was so upset about our MC. I am missing him

I think counselling is a very good idea. I am normally a real 'over sharer' and everyone knows far too much about my life, so I am finding this situation incredibly lonely and claustrophobic. I am also worried about getting very bitter and twisted about everyone else and their babies which is not the sort of person I want to be.

I guess I need to focus on cycle 2 and making that one successful, but all I can think is what if it never happens! x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I too work in sales within IT. I kept it to myself for such a long time however at the end of last year I confided in one or two people at work (one being my manager). After my failed attempt over December last year I finally realised i could not continue. I was unable to leave my personal life at home and get on with it, and I was unable to fully give to my fertility journey either. Something had to give.

Fortunately my boss was amazing and he arranged immediately for me to have time off at the beginning of the year (which turned into almost 6 months).

When I returned to work, yes my accounts were being run by different people but actually I have been moved into a new role which I am loving and which will hopefully mean I can do something proactive to reduce the stress in jobs like the one I was doing before. It is a more senior role and I am finally feeling like I am getting my mojo back.

I look at things completely differently now too which helps. And whilst I was petrified initially about what the change meant, I am loving it.

So, long story short, maybe it wouldn't need to be a bad thing to take some time out.

I have everything crossed for you. Sending love and hugs xx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thanks so much for replying, thats a really interesting outcome and I am so pleased it worked out well for you and you are enjoying the new role.

About a year ago I was basically told by my then MD that if I was 'considering children they couldn't give me the role I wanted' (and am now in). I just don't trust them with how they will react. Its also a massive boys club (not sure if yours is too!?) so all the managers are men and the slightest hint of womens problems sends them running.

I was worried that the stress of work would impact the IVF cycle so did a lot of mindfulness etc. my consultant said it was 'nonsense' but I think you are right, I am perhaps half focusing on both things rather than focusing on the thing that is most important to me at the moment (IVF). I would leave my job tomorrow but the maternity is so good I keep staying, but ive been saying that for years now.. how long do you give it!? I am also a bit lazy and the thought of proving myself all over again is a bit painful.

I really hope your journey has been successful family as well as job wise, and thanks again for getting back to me, so glad I found this forum x

[Anya80]

I’m sorry you feeling devastated! My first ever IFV back in 2013 didn’t work, I’ve too started spotting and proper period half way through while on tww I’ve thought this is it gamę over and i have to accept to live worhout a child in life! But what I worked out for myself from that cycle was that I’ve must’ve have some problems with being able to maintain this pregnancy because ive started bleeding early. I was only on crinone gel pessaries. After the grief we had undergone second fresh IVF like 6months later and I’ve requested to be put on PIO rather pessaries in tww. This seemed to work for us as I happily felt pregnant and my precious baby is now 3 and 7months old little charming man! I only can say here things are happening, dont give up girl!

[Hidden in reply to Anya80]

Thanks for your reply. I was surprised I have started bleeding as I understood that the pessaries should keep it at bay, yesterday was the day AF would normally come i.e. 12 days after ovulation so I guess despite being on 2 x 400g of cyclogest a day maybe it wasn't enough? or maybe its just failed full stop and no amount of progesterone would have helped me! Congratulations on your little one!!

Sorry what is PIO?

[Anya80 in reply to Hidden]

Yes I’ve been thinking the same, why on earth being on ivf medicine I came up on period early before test day -ive started bleeding 7days post transfer. After reading a bit for my next transfer ive requested progrsterone in form of injections-i was on Gestone a that time. Ive read somewhere that this is the strongest and most effective way of getting the progesterone to your body. It helped me for sure as the second go was book like pregnancy. I’ve now undergone FET twice and unfortunately this time I’m not that lucky, we have done it twice and first attempt we miscarried second was just bfn the same medicine but maybe frozen transfer not for us 😔

PIO stands for Progesterone in Oil, and it’s usually administered in form of injections😃

[Hidden]

Me and partner embarked on Ivf 12 months ago and we decided before starting that we could just about afford 3 goes so we stuck to that and luckily it worked on our 3rd and final go. I’m 44 and feel lucky it worked 3rd time. My friend took 7 attempts before and it worked and I know people who it worked for 1st time. Whatever you decide good luck to you 😘 it’s difficult to get over a fail especially hAving to carry on like normal but somewhere deep inside I hope you find the strength to carry on and your not too old at all . Good luck xxxxx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thanks so much for your response and congratulations!! I have a friend that took 7 attempts too! Maybe its the same person! Did you do anything different the third time or do you think it was just luck? xx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I never had huge numbers of eggs for collection so had 3 day transfer and got a bfn , They recommend 5 day blast transfer really so to give me a realistic chance we decided on donor eggs and we only had funds for a final go so we had to up our chances from 5 % to 80% so it was a no brainier for us. I wanted to be a mum so much and I can love any child! Adoption was also option for me but my partner wanted his own child so we used donor egg with partners sperm x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thats really interesting. I got 16 follicles but my uterus is really scarred from previous operations on fibroids so having got my hopes up with lots of 'we should get at least 8 eggs' as I went under I came out to find out they only got 3 and only 2 fertilised by ICSI and both were fragmented so they did a day 2 transfer. I was gutted on all accounts as had heard day 5 blastocyst was what I should aim for. it felt like I had failed at every hurdle. Anyway when they did ET they did say we might have exactly the same problem every time with my ovaries i.e. not able to get to them - so donor egg could be something to consider x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Every round is different I suppose ! But high numbers give you a better chance. My donor produced 18 eggs . We transferred 2 blasts and there are 3 left frozen. We did 2 goes with my eggs with no success . 8 eggs isn’t a bad number , you could get lucky next time 😊 if money isn’t an issue you can try a lot of times but at my age time wasn’t on our side either so that also influenced our decision x