A constant reminder of being childless

Life seems really unfair at the moment. I was invited to my niece's 4th birthday party this weekend, and since it was my twin sister’s daughter I felt I had to attend. The birthday was fine and I enjoyed watching all the kids play and have fun together. When the party was over we went back to my sister’s house to catch up with everyone properly. But for the entire evening it seemed like every conversation reverted back to having children with conversations on breast feeding, potty training, and child birth etc etc. I felt so left out, as I was the only one who was not a mother and have no experience of what these mothers were talking about. Both of sisters know my husband and I are having problems conceiving and I’m sure others have also picked up we are having problems too. I feel really sensitive about not being able to have children and I am beginning to feel like an outsider as all of my close circle of friends and family are all now parents. I wish people were more sensitive towards me and would realise how I might feel. I'm sure if someone had another type of medical condition people would be more sensitive.

On top of that, I keep being reminded by people that I don't have any kids. Every time my sister phones and asks what I have been doing and I say 'cleaning' she says 'oh how can your house be messy you don't have any kids'. I was recently supposed to go on holiday with my family but was unable to because of having fertility treatment, a friend of ours was also supposed to but didn’t and said 'oh I couldn't go because I have two young children, but what was your excuse', I felt like saying ‘well sorry I couldn't go because I am receiving fertility treatment’, and to ask him if that was a good excuse for him. It seems like everyone uses the kids as excuses to do things and not do things, and if you don’t have any kids well your not allowed to have any excuses unless you give people the full in’s and out’s of what happening in your difficult life.

I am really sorry about my stroppy message on a Monday, but I just wanted to let out what I have been feeling lately! Thanks for listening!

5 Replies

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  • Hi Rajbahra,

    What you saying is so very true, people who have kids get away with whatever excuse they have and those who are childless have to give million of reasons. Life is so unfair and i understand how you feel. I have been married for nearly 6 years and suffr from severe endometriosis and its been always a nightmare when dealing with questions like when you will bring good news, especially from relatives who are well aware that you might be having difficulties conceiving.

    How long you have been married for?

    I guess you might be from an asian background where people are too too nosey.

    Anyway, keep on trying, never lose hope.

    Take care.

    xx

  • Hi Avni,

    You guessed correctly, I am of Asian descent so there's a lot of pressure to get married and to have children straight away from our culture. My husband and I have been married for just over 4 years, and have been trying to conceive for the last two years. My family has been putting pressure on us to have children ever since we got married, so they probably feel they have been waiting a life time for some good news. Whenever I see them they scan me hoping to see a bump or some pregnancy signs and when they don’t I get an earful. I don’t think they realise how much added pressure they are creating. I would love to get pregnant because I know it would make them so happy, but unfortunately its out of our control.

    What has been the hardest thing for you, and what do you do to try and cope?

    It’s great to hear from people who can relate to what I’m going through. I don’t think anyone can quite understand unless they have been in this situation themselves, so thanks.

    I hope things begin to look up for you soon. It’s hard, but I guess we should remain positive.

    Take care

    R

  • Hi Rajbahra

    The hardest thinng for me is I suffer from endometriosis and have had 4 surgeries already and this has affected my fertility a lot.

    I have also been a victim of the Nhs with their delayed appointments etc.

    Its all very depressing.

    Have you been referred on the Nhs for fertility treatment?

    Take cre

  • Hi Avni,

    Yes I have been referred to the NHS for treatment. My husband and I have had all the tests and have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. All of our tests show there is no obvious reasons why I cannot get pregnant, however we have been trying for over two years with no luck. I'm not sure what is worse, knowing you have a problem which you can do something about, or not knowing what problem you have and having to continue trying?? I think its difficult either way!!

    I have been on Clomid for three months but reacted very badly to it, my ovaries hyperstimulated and with that I had all kinds of problems. I have now been asked to try IUI but we have been waiting since December to start the treatment. The hospital has all kinds of issues with resources and staff so I have been unable to begin, however I have been assured I can start the treatment in mid March fingers crossed!!

    I find the whole NSH process really really slow, as if dealing with infertility wasn't hard already, the NHS make even more difficult for you and add to the whole stress!!! It makes me really mad!!

    What treatment will are you waiting to try next? Will you be undergoing surgery again? I really hope you get seen quickly, and they find a solution to help you overcome this hurdle soon. Wishing you all the best!!

    Take care,

    Raj

  • Hi Raj

    When I read your first post, I knew exactly how you felt. It seems like everyone around me is having babies and the birthday party invitations just keep rolling in. It can be really hard putting on a brave face when attending functions as inside you may be falling apart. And as you said, family members are constantly looking for signs to see if you are pregnant. I have to agree with Anvi when she says never give up hope and keep trying.

    My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for five and a half years and in some ways in doesn't get easier but in other ways it does. Although the sadness is still there, we have actually become a lot stronger as a result of what we have had to go through and appreciate each other a lot more. We have been lucky in that our families haven't really pressurised us and a lot of the pressure has actually come from ourselves. As time has gone on, we have become kinder to ourselves and a lot calmer but of course the desire for a baby never goes away and is constantly with us. Having been through five IVF cycles, we are taking a break from ART and trying naturally. I felt that IVF would be the answer but has not been for us so far, even though it can be for some couples. We are also unexplained which I think is very difficult to deal with as I was constantly looking up what our issue/s could be and trying this, that and the other to resolve them. I think that what keeps me sane is knowing that one day we will have children even though it may not be in the way we first thought when we started out to have a family. We will keep trying and look to other ways to help us in the future.

    I would also say not to be too hard on yourself. I used to always think about how we should have started trying earlier and all manner of other things but that doesn't help at all. None of us knew that we would be in this position and it isn't anyone's fault. I'm sure we just all assumed that we would fall pregnant as a matter of fact. But what matters is how we deal with the uncertainty. Everybody has dark days and I've had my fair share and that's ok. I've actually not told anyone in my family about our difficulties and have actually found it a lot easier to deal with as they have sensed it's not a subject for discussion. Of course they've worked out there must be an issue but I've left them to dwell on it themselves. I've felt that's helped me to keep sane as constantly being asked questions about our fertility status would have driven me mad. I have only ever spoken about our difficulties with people in the same situation because, as you said, they are the only ones that truly understand.

    Wishing you all the best.

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