State of constant grieving

Does anyone else feel like this journey is just one long state of constant grieving? Every step I feel I am repeatedly grieving the life that was meant to be. I know that pregnancy and having children isn't a guaranteed right but you never think it's going to be you, particularly when coming from such a super fertile family. My partner doesn't quiet understand that my two children are the only thing I have ever been certain of in my life since I was a little girl. I never imagined a husband and sort of fell in to by job. But my children they have always been with me in my heart. And every negative point in this journey I grieve their loss all over again and it hurts just as much as the first time.

I know there are options and we will definitely move on to adoption if needed (we've set a time limit) but truly I don't know how much more heart ache I can go through.

I've never even been pregnant so I can't possibly begin to imagine what going through a miscarriage would be like. I don't think I would survive. Those ladies on hear who have are absolute warriors.

[Bumbo]

Oh hon, I have to say I absolutely understand exactly what you mean and I feel for you with all my heart! I have never been pregnant either, and been through a lot of fertility treatment. Being a mum is also all I ever wanted and it's looking like traditional IVF is not going to work for us.

Recently I have been waking up in the middle of the night and about 3 or 4 times I have thought my infertility was a bad dream and then I quickly realise it's for real, and for a second or so, I just cannot believe it! Even when there's never been a pregnancy the grief can be very intense and real. I have started counselling after out 3rd failed IVF, have you explored this possibility?

What stage of ttc are you at? We also had time limits and plan b's but these have had to be adapted as we went along depending on what feels the right step at the time.

Lots of hugs for you xxxxx

[Hidden in reply to Bumbo]

Hi. I'm sorry every one on this group this group is on this shitty journey. We've been TTC 1.5 years and got a severe MFI diagnosis at about 9 months but after our ISCI cycles now know there are also egg quality issues. We are on our second cycle 2WW (first one). It would be a miracle if its work. I've been having very high temps up to 39 C since two days before transfer and its still ongoing despite a course of antibiotics. I don't think the transfer should have gone ahead. I've been once for counselling and am going again tomorrow. It did help at the time ,so shall see...it's just having to re live it from fresh every time we hit another low point in the journey.

[Hidden]

Yes. Definitely. We all feel that. Sometimes it feels like there was no before, no time when it felt nornal. Sometimes that does abate. Counselling definitely helps.

Really hoping that you get your bfp xxx

[genten]

I totally understand what you're saying. It all seems so cruel.

I too have a very fertile family, everyone who is of age has a children/child and in the only one without.

I've not been pregant, so far had 1 bfn and that hit me so hard.

I don't know how we find strength to carry on but we do and when we get our miracle we will appreciate every single second.

Sorry you're feeling low. You're not alone.

Xxx

[3005]

You're not alone with those feelings SRA8, I have been TTC for over 2 years and I have never been pregnant either so every month is a battle of the mind. Every one says try to "relax" or "don't think about it, it will happen" those who have never had an issue with fertility just don't get it, it's soo hard trying to be optimistic while feeling totally helpless. Following a pretty hard appointment at the specialist I decided to look into ways to help me take my mind off what I was about to go through and just put a positive spin on the situation. I started going running, doing yoga, practising mindfulness, but the best thing I have found so far was going to a acupuncturist who specialising in fertility treatment. She put me in a whole different mindset, she listened to my issues and understood my problems, sympathised that it's hard to relax or switch off and that's her job, she also gave me alternative natural medicines to help me through IVF. The sessions are amazing, so relaxing I always come away feeling positive and relaxed yet ready to take on the world. Might not be for everyone but I would suggest trying it, it really has helped me to see things differently and stay positive.

Wishing you lots of luck x

[AliceMoonpie in reply to 3005]

I also went to an acupuncturist. She was certain she could help with fertility issues. Maybe she did maybe she didn't, I don't know. But what she did totally do was help manage the stress. On the way to the appointment with her I would be in a rush, other drivers were just getting in my way, traffic was unbearable. On the way back it was like someone has wrapped me in a blanket or in clingfilm amd none of the stresses could touch me. The whole thing was just so calming. The one part of the day where you just lie back and can't watch tv, can't read a book, you just have a warm vibration in your foot (or wherever). It was lovely.

I didn't go back the 2nd round we did because the need to get there and getting back in time for work etc was just too much. But that sense of being completely cocooned from stress was very real - even when I was super late for work.

[3005 in reply to AliceMoonpie]

I love my acupuncture but the lady I always use is on holiday at the moment I’m devastated. I feel exactly the same as you I’m on a cloud when I come out. I miss it so much ☹️

[Hidden]

Thank you all for your response and suggestions. I know I've got to put my big girl pants on and continue forward with this journey. I'll continue with the mindfulness and counselling. I'm debating wether to sack off the acupuncture through don't find it particularly relaxing.

Positivity to you all wherever you are in the journey. xxx

[Seasaw]

God I know what you mean. I also knew forever that I wanted 2. Nothing to add to what others have said, but just wanted to say you are not alone. I don't think anyone goes through this without grieving. Loads of luck and love you xxx

[Prayingforafamily]

I hear you.... even my mum said today ‘ I want my old daughter back’ as this journey has changed me so much x