I am sure all you lovely people have been through this at some point and I am looking for some advice. I have been struggling with my mental health a lot since a failed implantation in November. At the time, I told my partner that if I can't have children I don't want to see anyone else's children. Today, I still struggle, and can get upset by seeing a family shopping in ASDA, yeah I know its not rational, but I don't think any of us are rational when we are childless not by choice.
Recently, I have taken some sick leave off work to deal with my mental health and over the last few days thought I was getting better and more like the 'normal' me. I have been doing lots of research before my consents appointment for my next cycle, which starts this Wednesday, and was starting to have some hope at long last that this work, and looking forward to the appointment. You see, my nurse painted such a bleak picture when I had my appointment in December that I am convinced that I am just throwing money away. That being said, I was still determined to go through with it, simply because I knew I couldn't like with the what if I didn't give it a go factor? However, I knew to give it everything, I needed to tackle my mental health as I was really stress and anxious and wanted to make sure I threw everything at it this time, e.g. diet, exercise, BMI is still a problem; supplements and also knowledge to make informed choices about the kind of treatment I want.
Part of the reason I was taking time off is also, that I suspect, from some of the things my boss is saying that she is going through fertility treatment and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it if she became pregnant when I hadn't. Well, my partner just told me tonight his brother's girlfriend is pregnant with their first child. Guess I am not as sorted as I thought cos I have been crying and my heart breaking for the last 3 hours.
Don't get me wrong, I hope she has a healthy and happy pregnancy and has a healthy child. I do not wish anyone who has children ill, I hope for the best for them. I just struggle, and know I am not strong enough to handle it. I was wondering if anyone had any advice on what to do to get over this blip. Apart from anything else, I need to be focused to prepare for my next appointment.
I am already seeing a counsellor, tried acupuncture; doing meditation and affirmations and fertility yoga as well as running and cardio, and I am on the supplements and fertility diet for egg quality.
Seriously any advice would be welcome x
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Systema23
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I think you just need to let yourself feel the pain and the sadness. It’s extremely difficult to hear about other people’s pregnancies when you’re going through fertility challenges … never mind in your family!
You’re grieving the difficulties and sadness you’re facing on your own journey and that’s normal.
i think have to go through the emotions to come out the other side, but be kind to yourself and patient while doing so. 💗
I completely understand what you are going through,it is a natural response. I was the same. My partner and I suffered three miscarriages and during that time my sister-in-law became pregnant twice, as well as family friends.It broke my heart. I struggled to go and see them. Seeing them pregnant and then having to be around the children was just so hard and I avoided visiting them as much as possible. In all honesty, things have only improved since we've had our little one (fifth transfer).Don't feel guilty about how you feel,you're hurting . I don't think anyone can understand it unless they go through fertility problems themselves.
You are doing the right thing in channelling your energy into how you can improve your chances. I was advised to lose weight prior to commencing IVF. I ran everyday,took Q10 and omega three and our egg quality (although not quantity) did improve.
Wishing you all the best. Don't feel guilty about avoiding certain situations. You have to do what is right for you x
I totally understand how you’re feeling, I’ve recently had a miscarriage for a FET and whilst having a miscarriage had to deal with 3 more babies coming into our close family. I sat on the sofa and sobbed! But a few weeks have passed and I knew I had to put my big hard socks on brave face and meet them. It was a hard day but I feel better for meeting them. This journey is so hard and sometimes so unfair. I’m wishing you baby dust and a big hug. I’m extremely blessed to have a little boy from a previous round a few years ago. Remember you are not alone in this feel. Feel free to message ❤️
it sounds like you are doing all the right things to me but as the other ladies have said it’s important to remember it’s a natural response to feel that way for a bit, the problem comes when it’s making day to day life difficult for you. I really started to be annoyed at myself for feeling like that as it wasn’t helping me at all! My cousin became pregnant with her 3rd and I could barely bring myself to congratulate her but when she lost the baby a few weeks later I was disgusted with myself for not being happier for her in the first place and so upset for her I realised I had to change something so I could deal with my emotions a little better.
I was also already doing the apps and reading books etc. HOWEVER I was just playing at it if I’m honest with myself and internally not letting them work (making up mental excuses why it didn’t apply to me, nodding and playing along with a counselling session) then suddenly I realised I wasn’t doing all this ‘help’ stuff so that I was better for others I was as doing it for me, to help me to be happier and actually started to LET the things I was doing work!
What worked for me was the calm fertility app morning and night (when I thought the most) and also I read something that said I didn’t want other peoples baby or their situation I wanted my own family and someone else being pregnant or having a child actually didn’t affect me or my chances in any way. In fact I did a visualisation exercise where I was on a list of people who were going to get pregnant and the more people I saw or heard of getting pregnant or having babies meant I was moving closer and closer to the top! It didn’t stop me having the ‘ugh why is it so easy for them!’ thoughts for a bit when I heard but it did help me to be happy that others were getting pregnant and having babies and it was just a matter of patience and time for us. Once the babies were born it became much easier too for me to meet them too-as hey they weren’t my baby anyways so what difference did it make.
I did also have to find the things that hurt the most though and limit those things where I could (family events were sometimes hard with lots of kids discussions and everyone asking about kids etc I felt very left out so I would go a bit later or just for an hour or so).
Other things that helped me was making sure I had some ‘adult’ options of fun things to do, especially after unsuccessful transfers, like holidays and nights out etc, things I couldn’t have done with a child. Yes I would have given them up in a heartbeat for the transfers to have worked but the ‘silver lining’ approach really helped me still enjoy life and keep busy at times.
I’m not sure if any of that helps with your situation at all but thought I’d share. Please remember you are going through so much, so many ups and downs, and our hormones are everywhere so this is all natural and you are not alone 💜🤗 xx
If it his Will..then it will be... Don't be hard to yourself.
Just whisper a prayer, I always do.. It works.and do over think.
I been alot too, and i worried to much too and get jelous or/ envy seeing others get pregnant, or a friend giving birth,
Its Because we are Human its our Nature to feel.
Then I think again...from now on I wont pressure myself...if it will come then it will be.😇.
If not then i told my husband we will enjoy each others company.
I been to many obstacles, because we really want to have our magic baby🙏.
I had a surgery to remove my fibroids, then i have problemwith my TSH level, then my 3 embryo did not stick 😪😪😪😪😪..i cried alot and heartbroken, pressured with all the procedures and decissions, it didnt work out.😪😪😪😪
I even had uterus scratching , taking all vitamins and meda to make it work ., And my husband sperm too we need to do ivf with assistant hatching..
However i always pray that maybe someday...this year God will answer our prayers. Dont lost hope 🥰😇🙏❤️
I Pray for us here all to have our heart desires granted someday😇🙏
I've been there myself and I really struggled too. My best friend and I did fertility treatment at the same time. She didn't tell anyone she was having treatment whereas everyone knew I was having IVF. I got pregnant but had a MMC, I was totally blind sided when two weeks after my D&C she told me she was 12 weeks pregnant. She did all the right things but I could barely handle it. I avoided her, I even had nightmares about it but she had a lot of fertility issues so I was happy for her but I didn't think I'd ever get over it. It was a terrible feeling but every time I thought of her and the baby I felt really negative. It made me feel like an awful person and most people just thought I needed a day or 2 to get over it and then it was fine, but it wasn't.
Even when her child was one I still felt the same way. What actually helped in the end was actually spending more time with them, not avoiding them, avoiding them made me almost fear them. That is obviously just my own experience and I'm definitely not suggesting it for everyone. If I'm honest I might not have made peace with it until I had my own child after 8 years of infertility. I had almost forgotten how painful it all was until I started writing this. I genuinely wouldn't wish this type of pain on anyone, I think if you've never struggled with fertility you couldn't even imagine how hard it is.
You are not alone, and you're nor selfish or a bad person for feeling the way you do about other women's pregnancies. You are hurting and protecting yourself as best you can. X
Hey Systema23. I am sad to hear about your struggle. I can absolutely understand as I went through similar feelings. Although it may not help you because we are all different, I thought I would share with you the decisions I made that changed my way of thinking and feeling and helped me to cope. First I thought about whether the process was wasting money. I decided that if I wanted to spend my money on anything it would be on my child so the investment made sense. Based on age and what I could reasonably afford, I gave myself an end date and decided to keep trying for 2 more years for my child. I also decided that a beautiful child soul WOULD come to me at some time in the next few years. And that should IVF fail that soul would come to me through adoption. This helped me massively because now I know that the family I want is on its way to me and that I only need to be patient. I am currently on my 2nd round of ICSI and I am hopeful but also I feel secure in knowing my beautiful family is on it's way to me no matter what. I hope this helps. Good luck on your journey ❤️
I expect a lot of us here are, or have been feeling the exact same as you are now. It’s completely normal.
Whenever I hear news of someone I know being pregnant. I just try to tell myself that, that’s a completely separate thing to my life. Nothing to do with me.
That’s their journey and that’s great for them. I’m on mine (not so great) but I try to keep hopeful that it will happen for us. I have to think like that, as if I don’t then I would likely just sink into a hole I can’t get out of.
Of course though, over the years since trying, there have been many times where I’ve been resentful, devastated and angry when I hear this.
I’ve forced myself to go to peoples baby showers when I really didn’t want to.
Would I do that now? Probably not.
We have to protect our mental health however we can, if that means not going to baby showers, blocking pregnant people from social media, avoiding the kids sections in supermarkets, taking a break from work. Do whatever’s necessary to keep your head above water.
Sounds cliche’ but try to do something nice for yourself.
Talk to those closest to you about how you’re feeling.
Such a positive step seeking counselling too. (I need to take a leaf out of your book as I think this might be helpful for me, I have been putting it off)
Sorry if this isn’t helpful. Just wanted you to know, you’re not alone with your feelings. Xx
Thank you for reaching out. It is nice to talk to people that understand (although all of us wish both ourselves and the rest of this community were not in this position). It has been a wee while since I put that post out there and in relation to counselling what I will say is this. I only did 2 counselling sessions. I find the fertility counsellor is there to give you the tools, but it is up to me to implement them.
I am still finding my way in that respect. Sometimes I think I am 'cured' n a little thing happens and sets me right back. So I have found that I need to do the exercise; positive affirmations and meditation every day and simply make it part of my routine as a way of arming myself.
What I will say is this, since I posted last month, I have not met the pregnant family members. I made that decision on the basis of some advice I was given by both my fertility counsellor and part of this group, and hope that by imparting that information on you, it will help you too. So, I have found that it is OK to be selfish; to look after me and my mental health first and foremost, simply because I don't need any added stress, which could ruin my chances at my next cycle. I have asked some family members some questions about the pregnancy, and that did upset me a bit, but I ran and focused on the physical pain (which is easier to deal with than the mental anguish we all go through during this journey). However, I am now able to go into a supermarket or run round my park and see children and smile rather than cry., and I see this small positive as a victory. I now recognise that protecting my mental health (and the levels of cortisol in my body) as I embark on my next cycle is just as important as trying to get my weight down; taking the right supplements and eating the right food. Hell over the last 6 months I have researched so much, I feel as if I am back studying again. In doing so I am trying to find the courage to deal with other stresses in my life, which includes raising a complaint about practices in my work. It is scary doing that but I feel that it is important to do so before the next cycle so as to minimise the stresses on my life.
I really hope that this response will help you, and if you ever need to chat, myself and others are here to support one another.
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