Birthdays/Getting older - why does th... - Fertility Network UK

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Birthdays/Getting older - why does this feel so bad?

LegoBatgirl
LegoBatgirl
40 Replies

Hi All,

Just wanted to get some advice from you lovely people. I've been TTC for between 18months and 2 years. Found out in March we needed ICSI due to hubbys low count but I also have PCOS (double whammy of sub fertility). When we first saw the GP I think she was trying to help and said we were 'Lucky' that we were 'so young' and still had 'plenty of time'.

It was my birthday at the start of the week and I'm now 27. I realise that in fertility terms this is still pretty young but I've just grown to hate my birthday, it's like time is just taking the p*ss, another year older and no closer :(

Has anyone got any advice on how to deal with your birthday and feeling down?

Thanks x

40 Replies
oldestnewest
Hidden
Hidden

You are still young so hold onto that, and prepare yourself that this journey might be a long one but that you are strong and talk it through with people who love you it’s amazing how much it helps for your loved ones to support you it gives you the strength you need, and use this place as it’s wonderful and has helped me through my journey so much xxxx

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LegoBatgirl
LegoBatgirl
in reply to Hidden

Thanks for the reply, i guess I feel like the only thing I had going for me was time and that's just a temporary thing. I guess it's not the GPs fault and she was trying to be helpful but focussing on my age has just made me feel like a ticking time bomb!

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Hidden
Hidden

Hey it was my birthday yesterday and I am 38 now! So a good bit older and in fertility terms about to go off the cliff 😂

I loved my 30's, I did everything I wanted to do - had a good set of loyal friends and travelled the world.

I didn't meet my partner until I was 35 as I was too busy having fun and then we needed to progress as a couple before we started trying.

Although it has been a struggle to concieve I don't regret anything......

I hope you get your BFP soon. It is good you have age on your side - but it is just as painful as anyone elses journey on here no matter what age you are.

Happy Birthday for this week 💙💙💙

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LegoBatgirl
LegoBatgirl
in reply to Hidden

Happy birthday for yesterday. Hope you had a lovely day :)

I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. I had no idea why I felt so upset when everyone said I should be celebrating but every thing makes it seem so real now, all the waiting is driving me crazy!

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Hidden
Hidden
in reply to LegoBatgirl

It is the waiting that is the worst!!!

Even though you have more time than the older ladies on here it is still hard for you.

Xxx

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LegoBatgirl
LegoBatgirl
in reply to Hidden

Thanks so much for understanding. None of my friends understand as they're all trying hard to avoid pregnancy not to get pregnant!

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Hidden
Hidden
in reply to LegoBatgirl

I know it is bonkers. I thought the minute I was ready my body would just be like 'ok then here is a baby!' 🤣

Not so easy.

Just remember things can change in a heartbeat. That is the only thing sure about this process it is unpredictable.

I hope you get what you want soon.

Xxx

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LegoBatgirl
LegoBatgirl
in reply to Hidden

Thanks and hope that all your scans go well x

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Hidden
Hidden
in reply to LegoBatgirl

I am keeping my fingers crossed for you :)

xxx

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Mifkipi

I feel exactly the same - my birthday is tomorrow except I'm turning 31! I remember the last few birthdays I said to myself that I will have a kid by 30...but now I'm going to be 31 and I still have nothing in my tummy let alone a kid. I'm going to try my best to enjoy my birthday and not think about IVF for a day!

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LegoBatgirl
LegoBatgirl
in reply to Mifkipi

Happy birthday for tomorrow. I hope you have a really nice day. Fingers crossed we'll both have our BFP by nect July but either way we should start a happy birthday thread next year to celebrate all the July ladies :)

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Mifkipi
Mifkipi
in reply to LegoBatgirl

Thank you! Hopefully we will all be holding our precious babies this time next year! X

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E_05

I totally understand this feeling, I’m also 27 and been ttc since I was 22 so being told I’m still young doesn’t really help me as I feel now each birthday is just another year unspent as a mother. I’m not really sure what advice I could give to help expect maybe that it’s okay to feel disappointed but still do something to celebrate your birthday even if it’s something small compared to what you’d normally do xx

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LegoBatgirl
LegoBatgirl
in reply to E_05

Thanks, I'm glad that there are other people I can talk to. As I mentioned above so many of my friends are talking about late night tinder hook ups and trying not to get pregnant at out age - it just feels very lonely sometimes x

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E_05
E_05
in reply to LegoBatgirl

I often get that lonely feeling to, a lot of my friends are only just thinking about getting married and that so like yours having babies isn’t on their minds. I’m only a message away if you ever want or a chat or need to have a rant xx

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LegoBatgirl
LegoBatgirl
in reply to E_05

Thanks so much, I am so grateful that I found this forum as everyone here has been amazing.

Really appreciate your support :)

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Hidden
Hidden

Hi there, I just want to reassure you that 27 is still so young so definitely try not to worry and enjoy your birthday! I started trying when I was 29 and I'm now 31, but I appreciate that 31 is still a young age in fertile terms.

Although it may not feel like it, in a way it's actually not a bad thing that none of your other friends are trying or getting pregnant, because when it's the other way round i.e. ALL your friends are getting pregnant around you, it makes the situation a hell of a lot more unbearable (speaking from experience here)!!

Good luck with everything, you will get your bfp soon xxx

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LegoBatgirl
LegoBatgirl
in reply to Hidden

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply, I hadn't considered what it would be like if my friends were having babies.

Best of luck with your journey x

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Hidden
Hidden
in reply to LegoBatgirl

Oh it literally feels like a stab in the heart everytime a friend announces a pregnancy, and gets even harder watching their bumps grow progressively over the months. Consider yourself VERY luck in this regard!

Oh and thank you too for the wishes :) xxx

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Hidden
Hidden
in reply to Hidden

Oh this is so true! All my friends are on baby 2 or 3! ;) xxx

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Lizzielizzielizzie
Lizzielizzielizzie
in reply to Hidden

Yes, so true. And then once they all have kids and you don’t, your social life gets more and more limited.

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Hidden
Hidden
in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie

Baby 1's weren't so bad for us as we weren't trying properly - but when they all started to have baby 2 we were depressed....I have avoided so many social situations.....

So many of us feel the same on here so it helps :) xxx

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Strawberry17

I know what you mean. My next birthday is 35 and the crazy lady in my head has decided that the day I turn 35 I will be too old and it will never work. Of course I know this is rubbish as ladies much older than me have had successful ivf. But they drill the age thing into you so much, it doesn’t help! xx

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LegoBatgirl

Yeah I think it's the doctors preoccupation with my age that had made me feel down about it

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Kathryn1984

The GP will see many women, and most having fertility issues will probably older than you. So that’s why she probably said that. But fertility struggles are hard for anyone irrespective of age. Just hang in there and keep hope. I’m 34 and my doctor’s still telling me I’m young! Although I don’t believe him!

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LegoBatgirl

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I'll keep everything crossed for you x

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Sunshine92

I feel 100% the same. Im 26 and have been TTC for almost a year, feel like im not taken seriously because of my age. I understand its young, but the longer its left you’re told that your chances are a lot lower as you get older. That always plays on my mind. By the time they figure out whats wrong and potentially may need to look into alternative means to having a baby im going to be told im in my mid 30’s and my egg quality isnt as good 🙁

Going through this journey at any age is soul destroying. You are not alone x

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LegoBatgirl

Thanks, sometimes it's just good to know that there are other people out there who are going through this. Everytime a doctor/nurse/consultant/family member/friend tells me how lucky I am that I'm 'young' I just want to scream. My mum had 3 kids by the time she was my age x

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Lyn84

Hi i have been try since just before i turned 33 i have not long turned 34 and i remember asking my dr if at 32 i was too old to ttc he said no but so many things in the media go on about how much your fertility decreases after 30 and even more after 35 it does make you stress that time is less and less on your side especially considering you have to have been trying for a yr to 2 yrs to be considered having a problem conceiving then all the test then more waiting if you need ivf so if you have been trying a while then birthdays can put you on a downer i actually conceived on my birthday this yr but unfortunatly had a miscarriage and am stressing about my age as i was suppose to see a specialist in june and it has been delayed to septemeber so if you are stressing about time on your side just really push to be seen for appointments as thats half the problem with the delay in time

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LegoBatgirl
LegoBatgirl
in reply to Lyn84

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I'm really sorry to hear about your miscarriage but wish you lots of luck for the future. Hope the meeting with the specialist goes well in September x

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Hey, I know how you feel. I’m 40 today. My first pregnancy was due on my 39th birthday but I miscarried. We had been trying for years. So having a 40th looming was difficult. I decided to plan a party to celebrate everything I do have (lovely friends and family) and also made a bit of a bucket list which has involved a weekend away in Ibiza and then I’m off to latitude festival this weekend. We also went to an adoption information evening and I accessed counselling.

And, after two natural miscarriages, a laparoscopy and three rounds of ivf including one with specialist testing, I am finally pregnant: 18 weeks! So my advice is to make the most of what you do have in life, plan for fun times ahead but at the same time don’t ever give up on your dream of being a mum, and keep working towards it any way you can. Good luck x

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Elena123

Inspiring Lizzie thank you!

Congrats to you!

At 38 with bad reserves, bad quality and 1 bfn, dr has said I am at the limit, any lower in egg retrieval and he would not consider continuing. I feel more realistic than hopeful.

Perhaps it’s just my coping mechanism.

Round 2 coming up, I will put my trust in science, chance and whatever else might had a positive effect!

And beyond that I always have choice to excercise :)

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LegoBatgirl

Keeping my fingers crossed for you, I hope that round 2 gives you your BFP. X

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Lizzielizzielizzie

Good luck Elena x

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LegoBatgirl

Congratulations and thanks so much for sharing, honestly you're an inspiration x

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notifbutwhen

So Glad to see this post... I am dreading turning 30 later this year and I am still not a mother!

So lovely to hear you all understand I know its cheesy but brings a tear to my eye.

About to start my 2nd FET later this month, so scared I hope that I could be expecting by my birthday but don't want to get my hopes up! I keep thinking that would be the best present ever!

Good luck everyone! xxx

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LegoBatgirl

Good luck for your 2nd FET. Keeping everything crossed for you x

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SeaChange

Hey,

I just wanted to say that I get how you feel. I’m 27 too (although turning 28 in a month, urgh). I’ve loved every birthday and age up to when we started TTC and it not work. For us it’s been just over 2.5 years. The reason for me is that I felt like at pretty much every age up to then I have been fairly in control and loved what we have achieved each year, and now the thing we want, we can’t have (yet!). Plus feeling like a bit of a ticking time bomb, but as other people have said, the reality is that women much much older are able to conceive.

The thing that has made me feel better about it now, is being grateful for all the things we have because we haven’t been able to conceive yet. Like time with friends and family, being able to go out on a whim, we also moved house which I don’t think we would have considered if we have a little one.

So yeah, my advice would be to try to not worry about your age and enjoy the things you have.

Hope you had a lovely birthday xx

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LegoBatgirl

Thanks, hope that you have a lovely birthday next month. I know it was silly to have a 'life plan' but it's just been difficult to adjust my expectations I guess. I spent 10 years on the pill trying not to get pregnant!

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SeaChange

It’s so not silly to have a life plan, I have one too and I now feel like we’ve missed out on years of our life and should have possibly 2 kids by now and be pro parents!

It’s taken a long time to get to my current mindset where I focus on what we do have and the fact we are doing everything we can to have a family. Knowing that means I can enjoy the rest of our time. So yeah feel how you feel and it’s not silly, but I hope you feel happy 90% of the time. Xx

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