Anxiety disorder

[gemmy999]

Hi, I’m half way through down reg on cycle 3. My husband has suddenly started suffering with anxiety disorder. It’s got so bad he has been given medication and started therapy. We’re not sure if it’s from 2 failed cycles and him not acknowledging his feeling. I am trying to be strong for him but struggling myself with the hormone side effects. I’m the most stressed, worried and emotionally wreck more than any other cycle. I’m worried he won’t be strong enough to compete this cycle. Its our last NHS cycle and has to be done before I’m 40 in November. I’m lost for ways to help him. I know the process is slow. And wonder if anyone has had a similar experience or any advice 😢 Thanks xx

[Tugsgirl]

Do you have a close friend you can talk to? Or perhaps you are getting counselling yourself? If not, that’s what we are here for.. Could you afford a weekend away somewhere, just the two of you? Perhaps you can ease up on any conversations about ivf for a week or two at home, take some of the pressure off but let your Hubby know that he can talk to you whenever he wants. And when you need to talk come here xx

[gemmy999 in reply to Tugsgirl]

Thank you Tugsgirl, actually IVF is on the complete back burner. Its all anxiety talk at the moment and trying to get him better. I just want to fast forward a few months. My fertility centre counsellor left so they are trying to find a stand in. I’ve asked for counselling through work but it’s not arranged yet. X

[Tugsgirl in reply to gemmy999]

I hope you can get something sorted soon.. perhaps book a weekend away? Just the two of you? xx

[gemmy999 in reply to Tugsgirl]

We had planned to do that until he started to suffer all day and doesn’t feel like he can be away from the house to long. He is getting therapy so hopefully he’ll get there. It’s very bad timing but can’t be helped. This is a great place for support which is why I thought I’d post. Thank you xx

[Autumnmoon]

The good thing is that his anxiety has been recognised and he is having some help now in how to manage it hope you have a support network as well as everyone here hope you are able to have some time where you can both relax hoping all works out well for you x

[gemmy999 in reply to Autumnmoon]

Thank you. Not much relaxing at the minute. To much worry. Yes I agree it’s good it’s been recognised and we will be stronger when through it. Just hard to manage this IVF cycle as well. X

[LegoBatgirl]

Hi Gemmy999, I've tried to be really open about the fact that I have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). Really glad he's getting talking therapy as that would be the first bit of advice I'd give.

Second piece of advice I'd give depends on his personality type. A lot of my anxiety is about control so I like to understand and influence everything and feel so lost when it's just random chance - as you can tell IVF is a nightmare for me!

What has really helped me get on top of my anxiety has been studying it - understanding where it came from was half the battle for me. The book "re-wiring your anxious brain" was a lot of help. It taught me about the neurochemistry of anxiety and whether I was feeling amygdala based or cortex based anxiety - when I know where in my brain the fear comes from it really helps me to deal with it.

More than happy to talk via PM or answer any questions about coping techniques that you might have.

Hope his treatment goes well.

The last piece of advice I'd give may sound harsh but you also need to focus on you. Have you got access to counselling? You are being so strong trying to support him and yourself through some of the most difficult times a couple can go through. You might be a little in danger of burn out though. My therapist always says it's like when you're on a plane and they say put on your own oxygen mask before you help others. It's the hardest thing in the world to do, especially if you're the kind of person who lives to help others, but please make sure you have time to rest and take care of your own health - mental and physical.

Best of luck with your third round xxx

[LegoBatgirl in reply to LegoBatgirl]

P.s. Sorry for the essay!

[gemmy999 in reply to LegoBatgirl]

Thank you so much for such an informative and caring reply. I will order that book for him to read. He does like to be in control and this is one of the hardest things he has ever dealt with.

I have used the internet so much to get some coping techniques. They all come back to the same things really. Any tips always welcome. He has only had one CBT session so far. Hopefully a few more sessions will improve things.

I’ve just spoken to our fertility unit who have said the antidepressant he is on can have an affect on sperm. This was an animal study and not human. They suggest we go back to the Gp to see if they can change his medication. I now wish I hadn’t told them. It’s probably not likely to have an affect from such a short time. But another worry 😟

I understand about looking after myself. But my job is caring for others so I have made my husband my priority. I have requested counselling through my work. So I will get some help. I have a lot of supportive friends and family. And when things are a bit better I’ll take some time out for myself.

Thanks again, hope you are well. Xx

[LegoBatgirl in reply to gemmy999]

Gosh that all sounds really stressful. Hopefully they can change his medication without too much fuss.

You sound like a really caring person, please try to remember yourself in all of this.

Best of luck with your treatment x

[gemmy999 in reply to LegoBatgirl]

Thank you xx

[Hidden]

LegoBatGirl has given some great advice. Another book I would recommend is called “the Chimp Paradox”- it’s written very matter of factly and I think it works well for the male brain! But I would speak to your hubby first because if his anxiety is really bad, then he may not feel up to concentrating on a book and it may all feel overwhelming. It’s tempting to want to help too much- especially if you are in a caring profession and some feedback I got from my sister when she went through anxiety disorder and depression was that she just wanted me to to be a loved one for her (I’m a GP) and not to get too caught up in suggestions on how to make her feel better. It can sometimes feel like more pressure when we come up with suggestions and if he is having therapy and has a helpful GP then he should be receiving good input from them and perhaps best just to keep showing him that you love him and are there for him.

Like others have said, it is important that you have a safe place to express your frustrations and concerns without worrying about the impact on him so hopefully your counselling will come into play soon.

There are lots of different types of antidepressants so I am sure that they will be able to find one that is suitable- they take about 4 weeks to kick in so won’t be too much to change if needed. Did the clinic suggest an alternative?

It’s a tough journey- take it day by day xxxx

[gemmy999 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your reply Zoe. I really appreciate it. I will look at getting that book as well. He has already read one book and it keeps him distracted. Although he doesn’t have the concentration when having a bad day. We’ve since spoken to his therapist who has also asked him to start a book before his session next week. It’s called overcoming panic and agoraphobia.

I understand that being there is the main support I can give. I have just tried to do anything to move the process along so that things are better for this IVF cycle. But we’ll just have to ride it out. And I’ll try and not keep smothering him as well. He has decided to stop the tablets. He only took 3. So they should be no affect on his sperm.

Thanks again xxx

[CC2018]

I started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks while we were going through testing. I found acupuncture and mindfulness/ relaxation techniques helped. Hypnotherapy is also very good. Hope he gets well soon and you get your bfp xx

[gemmy999 in reply to CC2018]

Thank you. I have been having those sort of treatments and counselling. I think my husband realises he also needs to look after his emotions during IVF. I think so much is concentrated on the women and the man gets forgotten xxx

[CC2018 in reply to gemmy999]

I agree. My husband is very closed off emotionally and it was only after we had finished treatment he told ne about the stress and pressure he was feeling and how it had made it hard for him to concentrate at work. He was also very worried about me due to me going through depression during testing before we could start our cycle.

[gemmy999 in reply to CC2018]

It so tough on us all. Men and women. Xx

[missbrightside]

Hi, I just wanted to extend my support to you as I do understand some of what you are going through. My husband was diagnosed with depression and Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) 8 years ago, and although it is managed with counselling and anti depressants it is still something we live with every day. Throw IVF into the mix too and it is tough, but it will get easier, especially when you recognise that it is an illness and so something that can be monitored and eased through talking therapies, and won't last forever. Incidentally I think we are cycle buddies I am half way through the down reg of my third and final NHS cycle too, so I feel your pain! Yes there will be bad days, but there will also be good days ahead. Take each day as it comes, be kind to each other and you will weather the storm. As for yourself, don't ignore what you need either, the key is getting through it together (easier said than done I know!). If you ever need to talk, or a friendly ear, please just let me know. Sending love and strength your way x

[gemmy999 in reply to missbrightside]

Hi Missbrighside,

thank you so much for your reply. I hope your husband is well managed now. It is early days for us but today has been a big improvement since his CBT session yesterday. But baby steps. I am glad it’s been recognised and getting treated but just a shame it’s come over the IVF. Can’t be helped though and we will power on through. I have got an app Monday for counselling through my work. Not IVF specialist but hopefully it will help.

I’ve not been concentrating on the IVF which hasn’t been a bad thing but am worried I’ll break down when I allow myself to!

Hope your doing well. My first scan is on Oct 2nd. When’s yours? I had the scratch for the first time this time round as well.

Same to you. If you need support, a grumble or anything else just give me a shout. Nice to go through these times with other people.

Lots of love and positive thoughts

Xxx

[missbrightside in reply to gemmy999]

Hey, pleased to hear that you have made some positive steps and you are making progress. There is no magic answer unfortunately.

I started CBT this month too (not fertility specific just something to help with the stress and the worry) as there is just so much to process, especially knowing this is our last cycle, but only two sessions in it is already having a positive impact.

My down reg scan is the 9th October, so I am just a week behind you. Also had the scratch for the first time too! Fingers crossed it is smooth sailing. Sending you all the luck in the world and here for you if you need anything x

[gemmy999 in reply to missbrightside]

Hi, that’s a really good idea having CBT. Hope you it works well, sounds like it is. Sending you positive thoughts and a big hug. Stay in touch xx