Questions about family planning

[ChrisChros]

Dear ladies

I wanted to know how you deal with direct questions from other people about your family planning. I get these questions a lot e.g. at the hairdresser, from other mums at school or on the playground "when are you having another one", "do you think you will have another one" etc. It drives me crazy that other people think this is an appropriate question to ask. Although I get these questions a lot, I often struggle what to say as I am in a kind of shock about these direct, intrusive questions. It is often from other mums who never had problems to conceive and could have as many children as they have wished for. Usually my respond is that I am happy with one as it seems to me the easiest to avoid further questions. What is your respond about family planning questions?

Thank you. xxx

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

Personally I’ve always been very blunt and said things like “we haven’t been able to yet”. I’m a pretty open person though.

[Penders]

I get these questions all the time especially from other mums. I've answered truthfully to the mums i have more of a relationship with, but others I just say if it happens it happens. Xx

[Joanna1701]

Admittedly I'm quite mean as I've had 6 years of people asking, and even though the questions are "harmless" from their perspective I just go straight in with "I'm infertile so never, next subject?"

I know I should tone it down but infertility should be more prominent in the news etc because its so much more common than people think & there should be more awareness

[ChrisChros in reply to Joanna1701]

I think you are right, infertility should be more prominent in the press. But then you see VIP ladies who get pregnant “easily” with over 40 and in general people assume this can happen to everybody else easily as well. But then you don’t know about the details eg donor eggs and what this ladies have been going through. It is just not talked about.

I think there is no right or wrong how to answer these direct questions. Sometimes I would like to be more direct as you are as these questions drive me mad. I am just not brave enough. And if someone asked this then they need to deal with the answer.

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to ChrisChros]

That’s exactly the point Chris, if someone is prepared to ask then they should be prepared to deal with the answer. The onus is on them to deal with your answer, not on you to soften it for them!

I have one friend who used to answer “we’re working on it” when she was asked and was struggling. It seemed to be quite a good, non-offensive answer. And if someone asks more after that kind of answer well then they are just rude!

[Hidden]

I feel like I have been guilty of asking friends this question in the past.

I have learnt so much from this forum and will be a lot more sensitive about this in the future after reading more and more.

Previously I would have always assumed if someone had one then they could have the 2nd with the same effort. Which was very wrong.

This forum has been good to open my mind.

Just wanted to share a perspective from the other side.

Xxx

[ChrisChros in reply to Hidden]

I think this is true. People think if you have one you can easily have a second one. But unfortunately this is not the case sometimes. And I don’t think the other mums or women (a man never asked me this question and my husband doesn’t get these questions often either...) want to be mean. They just think this is something you can asked like talking about the weather. Sometimes I am attempted to answer that it didn’t happen yet or that I have secondary infertility (to shock them as well as they have shocked me with their question) instead of “lying” but then I think it is not their business. My friends know about it but the questions come usually from strangers I just chat to. Xxx

[Hidden in reply to ChrisChros]

Granted I have never said this to a stranger.....just very close friends.

My best friend concieved her first with clomid and now embarking on trying to conceive her 2nd. Clomid makes her feel so awful and she has shared her experience with me. So this has also helped me understand. She gets the question all the time - especially as her son gets older. And she struggles with it. She has chosen to be quite open about it when people ask.

I am used to getting the question about having my first baby! Literally 24/7. So understand how painful it is to answer these questions when you are having difficulty.

Everyone has their own struggles - after this journey I am more careful what I say.

Xxx