Those dreaded questions...

[emu2016]

I struggled for years with the dreaded “when are you going to have children?” question.

Even “have you got children?” would fill me with dread because I knew questions would follow about ‘when’ shortly after. Or worse: “if you stop thinking about it; it will happen.”

I just want to scream: I HAVE BARELY ANY EGGS AND THOSE I HAVE ARE SH*T!

Of course, Mr Emu learnt to handle them much quicker. He takes some satisfaction out of telling people we can’t have children; just to watch them squirm.

It’s take years for me to be strong and handle those questions the best way I can.

But nothing prepared me for this question last night from a woman in our circle of friends. Chatting away about how a lot of our friends have children who just didn’t sleep well for first 6-9 months. Bloody hell; I rocked nearly all 6 of these children to sleep at 11pm so mum could have some rest. It was hard for them. I could tell this. And then she asks:

“And is that why you both don’t want children?”

I’ve never been asked it before. I wept when I got in to bed. Is that what I’ve become? An age of 36 and career at director level meaning that society thinks I don’t want children?

Humph. How do we still live in a world that there is still no self awareness about infertility?

X

[Hidden]

Oh Emu2016 it must have taken some strength not to slap / throttle the woman. Don't put a label on yourself. Luckily I think there is more awareness nowadays of the journeys we are going through. Although it appears to be awareness of the mechanics rather than the emotional side. And as you say everyone has a "just relax" or helpful story about someone who was "going through the same as you" who coughed one day and then it just happened!

Sending you massive hugs. Keep positive, we are all here for each other. All having our own journeys but at least with helpful input and an understanding of the emotional feelings.

Xxxx

[emu2016 in reply to Hidden]

One woman I spoke to claimed she’d had the same issue because it took years. She “gave up trying” 😂

I’m all good really. Just more shocked I think. There is more awareness of the science for sure; but there isn’t self awareness of respect in terms of troubles etc.x

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

I am in the MrEmu school and would have given them all the gory details of why I didn’t have children... but it still doesn’t always work and you still get awful insensitive responses some times. Some people just don’t squirm and don’t seem to see how rude they’ve been, or worse they resort to “Oh Lizzie it’ll happen when it happens” without listening to the complexity of our problems (the last person who did this sent us a WhatsApp of her 12 week ultrasound 16 weeks after her wedding when they openly announced they were starting to try). Unfortunately there is no right or wrong way to deal with infertility but there seem to be plenty of wrong ways to ask people about their life choices. I’m so sorry that you experienced this and hope it is the last time x

[AS100]

😟😢 people are literally mad! So sad that so many of us have a big list of all the insensitive things that have been said. Sending you love xxxx 💕💕💕

[WeeMrsH]

🤯😡 how dare she!!?? Even if I didn’t have the hindsight of going through what we have, I would never in a million years think that’s an okay thing to say. Some folk just don’t engage their brain before speaking. I’ve had the “do you have any children” from a few of our sales team just during idle chitchat on conference calls after they’ve been telling an anecdote about their morning; the lump I get. Of course I’d never say it in that context but generally I’d love to be like Mr Emu but worry id just cry x

[welshone83]

Hi Emu! 34 and marketing manager and exactly the same boat!!

My go to response when I sense the question about to be asked .. do you have kids.. is no I have holidays. This usually provides a chuckle and chance for me to quickly change the subject. Although on a recent business trip with a female colleague, at an evening meal out she asked me 'the question

and when I was about to respond she said.. 'what just don't want them or can't have them?'

I WAS SPEECHLESS. I mean what in her right mind let her think it was ok to ask either of those questions. Usually an articulate and quick witted person, I stumbled over my words. Not wanting to confirm or deny that we've been trying for 3 years unsuccessfully and we were now in the middle of our first round of IVF.

I retrospectively thought I should have retorted with.. how long have you struggled with your weight? Or when did you come out as a lesbian? (No idea is her sexual orientation) both questions being very personal and absolutely none of my business.

To make it worse, we then went over to ASDA to get some things for the following day, we walked past the pampers aisle she said... oh won't be needing that aisle! Wow just wow. Stab me again why don't you.

My husband thought I was being hyper sensitive but since speaking to someone else who's going through IVF and telling my close mates, it was definitely just her. There is so much ignorance about this unfortunately and people are completely unaware of how hurtful their insensitive comments can be.

I have on occasion told people we can't and it usually shuts them up but it hurts me saying those words.

I hope it helps to know your not alone, and we certainly have to grow thicker skins in this process as well as follicles!

Sending you love and baby dust xxx

[Laura_Tu]

My husband and I have made the decision to try IVF literally this morning after trying since we got married in 2014. I'm so over getting really sad every month when the cramps start. I'm not sure i'm emotionally strong enough but it's got to be better than the monthly alternative. I'm a Head of in a very male dominated industry but the worst comments are always from the women. While talking about kids a few months ago, one of my colleagues chipped in with "can you imagine if Laura ever announced she was pregnant, i'd eat my hat if that happened" I was 2 days late and had done a negative test that morning. I smiled and pretty much ran to the toilet and broke my heart. How could another woman who hardly knows me think it's ok to say something like that!

[Hidden]

We don’t live in that world Hun people

Just haven’t walked in our shoes as they think it’s our anatomy that’s all woman are the same... for her assuming it came easily...

When we get there we will get the special nights of sleep cos our babies will sleep through 😭

I would be the same as your Mr... we can’t have children, but thanks pleasure to know your so invested in our reproductive system 🙄 some people 😭😭😭😭😭

[Aleelilook]

Oh my god!!!! I mean what is wrong with these people?! She clearly wanted to pry, what an arse! My husband always goes nuclear and tells them the gory details which often shuts them up!, but i get a little thrown. And I have to say women are the worse, I cannot believe how insensitive and rude these people can be xxx