It's been a while since I posted as I've been struggling to come to terms with our first failed cycle in June. Starting to come around to the idea of trying again (we have 5 frozen embryos), but I wanted to post something today about how I feel when I'm with my family.
I realise I sound like a moody teenager (!!) but both my parents (separately, as they are divorced) have said they do not understand why I find it so hard to be around/talk about other women and their happy pregnancies and babies. To me, it's obvious- I find it almost impossible, and it's really hard every day to try and avoid it. It just reminds me of my failure and how much I desperately want to be a mother. But they just can't understand why I get so upset and hide away from socialising.
Have others experienced this misunderstanding? It just seems to make it worse having to explain in detail why it hurts so much, and it hurts even more knowing that they think I'm being selfish (quote- other people's pregnancies are 'nothing to do with you').
I can't be the only one here who has experienced this, right? I wonder whether there is a book or a film that I can send to them so that they can see for themselves how difficult it is to be in this position and surrounded by people who are pregnant ('It just happened! We weren't even trying!!).
I don't think I've ever had such a difficult year as the past 12 months since we started this journey, and now it is being made more difficult by feeling isolated from my family who probably think I'm a horrible person.
Does anyone have any advice...?
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Ersky13
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Hi Ersky - First of all, no one will think you're a horrible person. People on the outside of this 'journey' (don't you get sick of that word?!) don't understand and how can they? It's something they've never had to. I find that I cope quite well when it's close family and friends who are pregnant but I cannot abide all those comments about not even trying - how about a little thought ladies?! Or when people tell you to 'relax and let it happen'. It's not their fault but some consideration wouldn't go amiss.
I have one of those families where no one gets married before they get pregnant. They get married or get together because they're pregnant which upsets me more as me and my husband made a choice to stay together a long time ago, always knowing this would be an issue. It's those circumstances I tend to keep my distance from because it makes me angry when really I have no right to be. It's not their fault but I think they're somewhat cavalier with their whole approach to life/parenting.
It isn't fair and that's why we struggle so much. We're not bad people, we're in a bad situation through no fault of our own with no guarantee that we will ever get what we are looking for out of this physically and emotionally demanding journey (there it is again! haha).
If your family don't understand now having seen you go through it and seeing your heartache then the chances are they never will which is very sad. Perhaps you could reach an agreement where you just don't talk about these things if it's going to lead to any hurt or upset?
In the meantime there are some amazing women on here ready to listen when you're struggling and this is where I find comfort. It's funny because when the women on here announce their pregnancies I am genuinely so happy for them, we've all suffered enough, we deserve our happy ending. I hope you feel better soon and can start to look forward to beginning the process again. Wishing you lots of luck x x x
I think everyone here feels the same as you feel. One of my fren gave birth to a son n one s going to have a daughter n I hv just miscarried...I don't want to b in touch with them much however I m happy for them n I feel why I don't get this happiness. My parents also do nt knw that we r going through this journey.so sometimes it seems preety difficult....
I just want to echo what people have said. I've found that some people will never understand. I didn't expect to find infertility so hard, as it took me a long while to find the right man and thought I had come to terms with maybe not being a mother, but the pain you feel is nothing you can prepare for. Sometimes I think family/friends think they are being helpful by trying to minimise it, or they just can't deal with your pain. I have learnt to be very careful who I speak to about how I'm feeling, and none of them are family. I accept that some situations are too painful to face (I have to shut myself in a room and cry when colleagues bring their newborn in) and have learnt to be kind to myself. Find 1 or 2 people who you feel cam empathise to some degree, and that will help get you through. This is just something people can't understand if they haven't been there xx
I just want to advise what most people have already said. No one will ever understand how you feel until they have been through what we are all going through. I got married 2 years ago and I get so upset when I see or hear that friends who got married before or around the same time as me are pregnant or have children. I can only handle seeing babies of close friends and family as I feel I have no choice.
Whenever I feel down or want to rant, I come here and do it or just read other people's experiences.
Don't ever feel bad for the way you feel because you know you are not normally like that abs it is the circumstance you find yourself in.
Stay strong for the next cycle as you have 5 embies left so you have a good chance. Don't worry about anyone else. Please focus on yourself and getting through this and hopefully you will get your BFP.
Hi Ersky I'm so sorry ur family have trouble understanding. I think most people do unless they have experienced his themselves & thankfully we have this place to vent. Take comfort I know in hat every single lady on here totally understands how u feel.
When I struggled with my family I actually found a form on the fertility network web site that u can down load which is for friends & family. Knowing my parents wouldn't take the initiative to find this themselves, I downloaded & emailed it to them. Both my parents said they found it very useful & I found it comforting that they were reading a document that I feel sums up what we have to go through.
Hey ersky sorry to hear your family are finding this difficult to understand. As everyone said I guess nobody can really understand this unless you go through it. My parents are supportive but say some pretty daft things sometimes and it is just that they don't understand and are a totally different generation. My in laws feel so awkward they just don't talk about it at all which I find strange..if I were going for any other treatment I am sure they would ask. Ho hum. To be honest I am so grateful for my fab husband..I can't remember the acronym for that so making mine up tfh ..totally fab husband..😀😀😀😀and I have fab friends too..surround yourself with those that are supportive and understanding ..that is key..and everyone on here is so brave and supportive too..we are all in it together and I just think every woman on here is amazing including you😀😀❤️❤️
Oh I know this feeling well. "Why can't you just be happy for them?!" - I've got almost 3 years of failed fertility treatment under my belt so no. I'm sorry but after everything I have been through to start my family I can't be happy for Sally and her giant perfect baby pump and I won't go to Tina's baby shower and celebrate the start of her new family because ouch. You wouldn't ask a woman who's husband had recently died to hang out with her friend and her friends husband/wife like a third wheel and that's how I feel without a baby. Like a third wheel. Xx
That's a really good way to describe it BabyD. It does make us feel like a third wheel. I even get sad when I see mum's picking their kids up from school. I feel like that's what I should be doing. It's so refreshing to have u all on here that feel the same way as none of my friends have experienced infertility. Xx
I look after other people's children in my own home for a living - it was so incredibly painful in the beginning of treatment but I've got my head around it now. It's still difficult but it's my job and I love the children I look after but I do have days where I struggle to get out of bed. It's just the way it is though I suppose! Where are you at with your treatment now? Xx
We had a failed FET in June, but have five embryos frozen. I'm just about ready to start thinking about trying again, but it really has taken a few months just to come to terms with the failure. I haven't even been able to come on here as I needed a complete break, but I think it shows my progress that I can talk /think about it all again. It takes so much strength, I just needed to be sure I was strong enough to cope with the whole process and any outcome. So grateful for everyone's comments on here, such a supportive community
Oh I know exactly how you feel. I haven't had IVF yet but have had 3 rounds of IUI and after the third round I couldn't even phone the clinic to tell them that the test was negative. It's like being in a black hole, sometimes you just don't a light at the end of the tunnel X
I know exactly where you're coming from there. Every time I see a kid when I'm out and about, I feel my breath catch in my chest and my stomach turn into knots - I just want to crumble. And that's with children I don't even know.
My mother in particular is also extremely un-supportive - telling me that "god brings the babies" and basically inferring that by not going to church I was doing this to myself. In the end, I had to just completely stop talking to her about it, which is sad, but we don't need that extra negativity in what is already a completely stressful situation!
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