1st appointment to discuss using an egg donor!

[Hope4usall]

Hi all,

My partner and I have our second appointment next thursday following my third failed IVF cycle and my partner's 1st. We had an appointment a couple of weeks ago following the failed cycle and our options were given to us.

1) Don't do anything (like thats even an option!?)

2) IVF with own eggs again

3)Use a donor egg

4) my 4th option was use my twin sister's egg

The consultant wasn't very positive about option 4 as we are obviously the same age (39) and my AMH is 5.5. He reported that her AMH will be very similar. My sister however has gone on to have three children naturally (although her last child was born 6 years ago), and got pregnant on the first month of trying in both cases (1x singleton and twins). My sister would do it for me as she said she wouldn't want to see me without a child, and after the last failed cycle I think my misery reinforced this for her. She wanted to help.

She had her AMH checked and it came back...shocker... lower than mine at 5.1!!! I was willing to give it a go even with her lower AMH result, as I felt that the quality of her eggs would be much better in view of her history. The consultant was not convinced with this.

During the consultation, the consultant was discussing the options and mentioned that in his experience using a known donor is much harder emotionally. This really upset me as he didn't seem positive about using my sister's eggs, however he was just giving me the facts. He has made me think about it from a completely different perspective. I came out of the appointment very upset and feeling like we had to rethink what we wanted all over again. My sister's DNA is the same as mine so it would be amazing to have that genetic connection with a child. The consultant seemed to dismiss this.

The days following on from this appointment I started to have slight doubts about using my sister's eggs, and started to question the pros and cons of her eggs vs a donor's.

The consultation really made me think about the emotional implications this would have on my sister and her children. I felt like I had been selfish in putting my needs to have a genetically close child over that of her and her children's feelings. I know her so well and therefore knew her heart wasn't 100% in it. She wanted to do it for me and only me, because she loves me.

I always said to her that I would never want anything to come between us. I have now chosen to put my sister and nephews and neice first, and try for a child using a donor egg. I think I would worry about what she was thinking and if she was okay. I want her to be a 'normal Aunty' with no worries about how she might feel if a child was born using her egg. I know this was playing on her mind. It's not fair for her to be feeling like this.

I know many sister's would be completely happy to donate, but not all are, and that is fine. She is my confidant and best friend and losing that would be worse than anything I could imagine. There are other options... and that is the road we have decided to take to have our family.

It means so much knowing that she would have donated for me despite having worries about how she would feel.

Any ideas what will happen at our appointment next week when we tell the consultant we have decided to use an anonymous donor from Spain?

So that was a little bit more about my journey, and it feels good to get it written down and out there. I'll keep you all posted.

Thanks for everyone's comments and support. We all need to stick together through this. Lots of luck to everyone xx

[Hidden]

Hiya, I was in exactly the same position, my amazing sister offered to donate her eggs and initially we were really happy and then I truly thought about it and we changed our minds and went anonymous.

The complications that could potentially arise I think are just too difficult. We had our embryo transfer and it’s Test day tomorrow!!!!! Good luck With it all xxx

[Hope4usall in reply to Hidden]

Aw thank you for your comment. It reinforced that we've done the right thing. It's just not worth potentially risking such an important relationship.aw I'm so excited for you!! How do u feel? Where did u go for treatment? How did you chose your donor?

Would love to hear back from you. Wishing you so much luck for tomorrow. I know how nerve wracking it is xx

[Hollibob]

It’s difficult when mentally you had thought about something which could have worked and the plans changing.

Like you, they say our best option would be a donor.

My sister in law and friend both offered, but they are above donor age. Hubby’s cousin has been a donor too for people going through treatment.

The fact that family and friends offered means the world to me, but in reality I think it would have been difficult when seeing them with their donor egg child from their perspective and ours.

You’ll be able to discuss all this when you have your counselling session.

As we know this whole journey messes with our head, so why should this part be any different?!!

Wishing you lots of luck x

[Hope4usall in reply to Hollibob]

Thanks for your message. Yeah it is such a difficult journey and feels sometimes like it is never going to happen! Where r u in your IVF journey? X

[Hollibob in reply to Hope4usall]

I’ll be 40 this year and have Endometriosis.

Started TTC in February 2013.

Believed to have had miscarriages in March 2014 and the second in May 2014 after using Clomid.

AMH levels advised at IVF clinic as low for age in October 2014 (8.56pmol/l).

ICSI Round one, December 2014 - fresh cycle, day 5 blastocyst transferred, but missed miscarriage advised at 9+5 weeks.

ICSI Round two, June 2015 - fresh cycle, Day 2 transfer, BFN

FET Round three, September 2015 - day 5 blastocyst from round one, BFP, miscarriage confirmed at 5+2 weeks.

Having experienced recurrent miscarriages, we were referred for some checks. The various blood tests to date have been normal, including the NK cells.

My AMH level had decreased to 7 pmol/l in January 2016.

A Hycosy in January 2016 showed nothing untoward.

A hysterscopy + endometrial biopsy in May 2016 showed nothing untoward.

Karyotype blood tests for both my husband and I were carried out and these were normal.

Further AMH level in May 2016 = 8.16 pmol/l

Round four, August 2016 - fresh cycle, short protocol, Day 3 transfer with 25mg Prednisone, Fragmin, Aspirin, BFN.

Due to other life events, we had to put further attempts on hold as the stress levels were too high to deal with IVF as well.

We are hoping to plan the next step with access fertility’s donor package this year in Manchester, as they offer a % refund if you don’t have a baby at the end of it all.

Would I still like to use my own eggs?-yes.

But as one consultant said to me, you have to think about what is the best possible way of you having the baby you have been waiting for....and the %’s are more for us using a donor, but there is still a miscarriage risk!

[Hidden]

I'm really glad that your appointment gave you a bit more clarity, my sister also offered to donate hers to me, which at first I thought would be the answer to our prayers but then I thought about when the child was born, would she be able to stand back and play the role of auntie so as you know we decided to go with an anonymous ED from Czech Republic. It is one of the hardest decisions to make and there are moments when you question if you are doing the right thing but the need to be a mom and share all of your love outweighs it.

Good luck with your next appointment xx

[Dunla]

I think it’s important to make a decision that is right for you and your partner. I think the consultant’s opinion on the emotional implications are a bit irrelevant, It’s a personal decision for you and you should do what’s right for your family. Have you been for implications counselling yet? We found it very helpful in reaching a decision about the type of donor we wanted to go with. I joined Donor Conception Network and was able to speak to a number of women who had used different types of donor and it was really useful to listen to their experiences. Wishing you the very best of luck going forward xx

[Aimskidd]

Hi ❤️,

My partner and I made the decision to use a donor egg from Spain. From consultation to embryo transfer it took only 1 month.

I am now 16 weeks pregnant with my first attempt and we were lucky enough to get 2 to freeze too.

Best descison and already the fact we have used a donor egg is a distant memory xxxx all the best. Amy

[Hope4usall in reply to Aimskidd]

That's fantastic! Congratulations! Thanks for your comment.

[Hope4usall]

Aw that's lovely. Thanks for commented and telling me your story. How was the clinic you used? Any problems?

Congratulations on you're pregnancy, I hope everything is going well. How did you choose your donor and what information did you get about them? Xx

[sandra81]

My sister was my donor. For m it was the best decision I ever made for me. There are no complications with my sis. I was all for telling the kids one day but my sis and hubby are against telling. My relationship with my sister has not been compromised in any way

[Hope4usall]

Thanks for your comment x

[Hope4usall]

Thanks for your reply. Good luck to you!! I had a transfer on 24.10.18 and am now 7 weeks pregnant! It was definitely the right decision for us. Had a scan today and saw our baby's heartbeat! Out of this world!! Xx