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Baby showers - do you go?

Hi, I’ve just been invited to one of my best friends baby showers.

I really don’t want to go. While I’m happy for her I don’t particularly want to put myself in a position which I know will make me feel crap during and after it. But is that just really selfish, should I just suck it up and be there for my friend?

She knows what I’m going through, but I’d probably just say I already have plans.

What has everyone else been doing with baby showers and similar? X

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Hi HP, I know how you feel. I went to my best friends Shower last year & hated it.I found it so hard but did it for her. I regret it now as we're not friends anymore!

My story aside, maybe just think - what would you regret more not going & missing out on a nice day with some girl friends with a mix of baby talk or going and feeling shit?

Also, don't forget baby showers weren't even a thing 5 years ago, its definitely not a mandatory celebration to go to, like it kinda is for birthday celebrations

Look after YOURSELF and your well-being. Your friend will understand if you just can't go xo

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Would you regret not going? Would you want her to be at yours if the roles were reversed?

I was in a similar situation and was actually a hostess of one. It was very very hard work but I’m glad I did it. At the time the friend that I threw the baby shower for and I were very close and saw how happy it made her and it made me happy, however everyone is different.

I wish you all the best in your decision.

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You need to look after yourself and put your feelings first. For so long I would put others feelings before my own and had to deal with the consequences of this.

My sister had a baby shower earlier this year and she would've completely understood if I didn't want to be there. I threw myself into planning and helping on the day and actually it was fine. However, I have slipped out of a couple of friends baby showers recently as wasn't comfortable with lots of people I didn't really know. Do what you feel comfortable with lovely. A true friend will completely understand and support you 😘

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I went to a good friends baby shower and it was awful. We had only just started trying so I wasn't at such a difficult point in our journey and didn't know we would struggle....

I was mad at myself for not inventing and excuse.

Full of babies and literally everyone asked me if and when we will have kids. So painful!

Everyone is different - but I don't go to these anymore. Actually I find them so cringe. If we have a baby I won't be having one.

But that is just me....

Xxx

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I’d avoid it they aren’t someone who you really really care for.

I went to one the other month and sat next to someone who I barely knew and who kept talking about how her husband must have ‘super sperm’ because she’s been pregnant three times and so quickly. It took all my self control to not want to kick her because mine has no sperm but I persevered and ate lots of cake!

People just seem to over share at these things 😩 x

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I couldn’t handle them too upsetting xx

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You have to look after yourself and do what feels comfortable. If she’s a true friend she’ll understand how you feel but i wouldn’t even take it there, just make up a good excuse! Xxx

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Don’t feel selfish for doing what is right for you!! I dislike baby showers- even before I started trying for a baby. It just seems like another commercialised occasion- much rather give a gift on arrival of the baby and share the joy then. Luckily none of my friends have indulged in these so have never been to one.

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I feel the same!

I won't be having one if we are lucky enough to conceive.

X

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Me neither 🤣

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I have gone to all but one baby shower and they all left a lump in my throat and me feeling depressed. I did of course feel elated for my friends but putting a mask on is exhausting. The one I missed was because my friend was due four days after I was due and we miscarried and I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it together. I bought a present and left it with a friend to take for me. My social media was then swamped with pictures of the shower and even that deeply upset me. If you don't feel emotionally strong enough to go explain to your friend why and hopefully she'll understand. X

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I think you need to look after yourself and it’s okay to say no to things. I put myself through baby showers etc for a while and then realised it was doing me no good. I haven’t been to one in the last 2/3 years and my friends have always been understanding. Maybe you and your best friend could go out for dinner or something to celebrate just the 2 of you without have all the baby stuff in your face xx

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Thanks for being brave, opening up and asking this question. I recently had the same dilemma and wish I'd been on this forum in time to ask for some advice!

I recently went to a close family member's baby shower and it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be.

In my head I'd built it up that people would start asking me about my plans and that I'd feel so out of place dealing with my infertility at a party all about babies... it actually helped me to see that life goes on around you and that you can still take joy in someone else's pregnancy even if it's not happening for you.

I think it all comes down to your personal circumstances. We've only been TTC for 18months and after a PCOS and male factor infertility diagnosis we're only just about to start our first round of ICSI. If I'd had a different amount of experience with infertility I might have found it much worse...

You have to do what's right for you and your mental health. A real friend will understand that.

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Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. I think I’m going to give it a miss. I do consider her a really close friend but I haven’t felt particularly supported by her recently (which is fair enough as she’s dealing with her own pregnancy) so it’s hard not to have a little bit of resentment there. Also I know I’ll find it really hard so think I need to protect myself a bit.

I’ll take your advice though and take her to dinner.

Also, totally agree with some of you that I think baby showers are total bollocks (always have done, but think it’s a BRILLIANT way to get a load of gifts before baby is born) and wouldn’t do one myself! Each to their own though and can see why people like them.

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I personally wouldn't go. I don't really agree with baby showers as to me, they're an American fad, but each to their own and if you like them then that's fine. I don't want to start an argument/discussion on the merits of baby showers etc.

Apart from that I would find it pure torture after TTC baby number 1 for over 7 years, bring refused IVF on NHS, tme running out etc. The last thing I want to do is sit in a room whilst a very pregnant "friend" beams pure joy I will never experience for myself and the other "mum's" all chat about their pregnacies, birth stories and their children.

I actually have tears in my eyes while I write this from just imagining how painful that would be for me. Husband and I recently turned down a Christening and I feel so very left out and isolated at family functions when the mum's get together to talk and there's nothing I can do to protect myself other than not to go to them.

Like you, I am happy for them but happy at a distance and if they are a friend that knows what you are going through then surely they will understand.

Having said that, this might not be the right thing for you to do but only you know what's right for you so make your decision based on what you want and do not feel guilty whatever you decide. Remember there are lots of us here who know exactly what you are going through and I wish you all the best x

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I have never been to a baby shower and personally if i was invited i wouldnt go lol. I think like some other ladies have said its a fad. Also i think these gender reveal parties are a fad too! Americans throw a party for everything and now were copying them. They would make me feel like crap. And those "are you having another one?" questions will crop up. Ive been anti social for over a year anyway as all my surplus cash has gone towards paying off the ivf loan! Xx

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Ive never been to a baby shower, they weren’t really a thing before we started TTC (& I don’t really agree with them) but since then I’ve turned them all down! My sister in law had one that her friend organised & i just sent her a message & said thank you for the invite but that I just wasn’t feeling strong enough to be there but hoped she had a lovely time, she completely understood & just said she hadn’t wanted to not invite me & that she’d wanted me to have the option. I feel that if someone knows what you are going through & still expects you to be there then they can’t be that good of a friend as no friend would wish the inevitable pain & torure a baby shower would bring. Take care of you xx

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I think it would depend who's shower it was and if they know what you were going through.

No one knows I'm going through ivf apart from my best friend, and I had to go to my sisters baby shower. I wouldn't of missed it because it's my sister but it was REALLY hard, there were 7 of us, 3 were pregnant and everyone had children. So 3 hours talking about pregnancy and babies. I cried when I got home and just felt low.

Not having children meant I didn't have much to contribute to the conversation anyway but I just felt the odd one out and quite anxious in case anyone asked me about having a baby.

I'd personally avoid future ones for friends x

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it all depends how you feel. Don’t do anything your not comfortable with. Personally I have been going to a lot because ALL of my friends are pregnant or just given birth and I don’t want to isolate myself. I always walk in feeling apprehensive but usually enjoy it when I’m there but do what you are comfortable with x

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Depends on who they are, ideally not but it’s easier sometimes when they don’t know your struggles. There’s less awkwardness xx

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