Feel like I am stuck in a revolving door

[vic77]

Hey lovely ladies so 6 weeks since our 12 week scan where we got the worst news imagineBle and today I am struggling. I just feel so fed up and sad. Life just returns to normal for us and everyone around us and when I am alone I feel so so empty. I wake up every morning thinking did this actually happen to us? My period arrived 2 weeks ago and today ovulation sticks say that my body has pinged back to normal. For that I am grateful but just so angry at why my body can’t carry a baby full term but continues to ovulate etc. I feel a strange sense of deja vu as I go back to charting my period and weeing on ovulation sticks. While relieved in some ways to see a smiley face today i just feel so so sad too..I miss our baby so much and the thought of another scratch and another transfer seems like ages away and I would have been 7 months pregnant by the time we get round to our last frozen transfer. Oh I just don’t know. I just needed somewhere to turn and rant. Sending you all so much love xxxx

[Gillyc1]

Oh my love, you have just said my daughter is so brave. Well you are as well, none of this is easy . Don’t expect too much of yourself because you have gone through a terrible experience. Take each day as it comes and just try and cope best you can. The fact you got a BFP shows you can get pregnant so keep that in mind , try and be strong and just go for it again . Sending massive hugs xxxx

[vic77 in reply to Gillyc1]

thanks so so much..your message means a lot..don't feel too brave right now xx

[Gillyc1 in reply to vic77]

You are and don’t forget it . You will survive all this and come out the other side on top my love xx

[RidleyNL]

Oh love. So cruel and unfair. The desolation must be very raw still, even when everything around you continues on its course as usual. I completely get the deja by feeling too, it’s the worst just cycling through things again when all feels lost. It makes you want to scream and it’s numbing, all at the same time. Keep breathing, it’ll never be the same but you’ll find ways to cope and keep going. The body and mind are amazing things, even when they do feel like they are failing us. Sending love, we are all here and we get it xxx (ps. If you haven’t come across it already, have a look at @ihadamiscarriage on Instagram for beautiful prose and stories from women who choose to share about coping with their losses. Sometimes I weep reading them but find it gives me strength too xx)

[vic77 in reply to RidleyNL]

hey hun thanks for your message..am following that page now it is heartbreaking but supportive at same time..hope u OK xxx

[Tugsgirl]

Oh Vic, it is so so hard, everyday. Life doesn’t go back to normal for us, we just learn to find a new normal. I know how you feel. You know you can text me anytime xx

[vic77 in reply to Tugsgirl]

thanks hun..you such a star xxx

[72cloud9]

Sending you massive hugs xxx

[Goodthingscome]

Sending you lots of love xxx

[Drives]

Sending you lots of love 💕

I can't imagine what you're going through but please know we are all here for you to rant anytime 😘 x

[vic77 in reply to Drives]

thanks..this place is my sanctuary full of fab women xxx

[Hidden]

I’m so sorry Vic!! 😢 I lost 6, the worst one was at 14 weeks so I know exactly how you feel. I felt so angry, confused and devastated but after a few weeks I got the strength to try again and realise that my body can get pregnant and we have the spirit and strength to go on until we have our baby!! It’s great youre ovulating again and your body is strong and has healed 🙏🏼 Sending you lots of love and best wishes!!! You will get there 😘xxx

[vic77 in reply to Hidden]

thanks you are right..I need to look for positives..hugs to you and hope u well xx

[Hidden in reply to vic77]

Absolutely and there are so many positives and blessings. I never thought i’d even have the opportunity to be a mum but I finally met my hubby at 42 and my goodness has it been a struggle but I wouldn’t change it for the world!! Everyone told us to give up, even our clinic but we persevered and i’m 12 weeks tomor. Obviously scared with my history but cautiously optimistic, HOPE is the key that’s kept me going and I pray you’re next!!! You WILL get there before you know it!! Keep the faith alive 😘🙏🏼🤞🏼Xxx

[vic77 in reply to Hidden]

you are an inspiration 💜💜💜💜xxx

[Hidden in reply to vic77]

You too 😘 Stay strong and never lose faith xxx

[Hidden]

I’m really sorry I know no words can help ease the pain. ☹️ But I want to say there is light at the end of the tunnel; I know my loss was at 4.5 weeks and can’t compare with yours but I spent what would’ve been my pregnancy time frame in grief since the due date has passed it has got easier ( I know that sounds like a terrible thing to say) I will never forget the baby but I will keep fighting because I do want a baby . I wish it didn’t have to be like this and it’s horrible we have to fight so hard for something most people take for granted. I will leave you with a lovely comment my amazing fertility doctor said to me recently “ through the dark cloud the silver lining is that you did get pregnant and this is positive.” You know you can conceive and that is progress ( I know it doesn’t feel like it right now)

But remember on these dark days we are all here for you ❤️❤️❤️ xoxo

[vic77 in reply to Hidden]

thank you so so much..all u ladies are the most amazing support..a loss is a loss no matter what the circumstances and I too will never forget our baby..your doctor is right and I need to remember the positives xx

[Hidden]

I do understand how you feel. It's like grounding day and those few precious happy weeks like a dream. But you have got there before and you will get there again. Just a little bit of merry-go-round before then. Sending you huge and strength xxx

[vic77 in reply to Hidden]

thanks hun..that's exactly it xxx

[Hidden]

I'm so sorry youre going through this. Your grief is so evident in your words and I wish there was something we could do to help. It seems unjust that the world carries on while you're going through something like this and you're bound to be up and down with your emotions. Sending you a big hug xx

[Leo2017]

Aw Vic I can relate to your post in so many ways!! 💔 After a MMC at 10 weeks, I feel so angry sometimes at the world around me going back to ‘normal’ and feel like I’m just permanently lost and numb!!

I too recently had my ‘smiley’ to confirm ovulating but my bloods (thyroid) has gone a bit manic since miscarriage !! 😕 had my follow up app’mnt last week, it was much harder to go back there and have the ‘what happened, what’s next’ conversations than I expected!!

Sending you lots of love & strength!! If I can do this so can you!! 💗🤗 xxx

[vic77 in reply to Leo2017]

thanks hun..it just totally sucks..are you going again?xx

[Leo2017 in reply to vic77]

It really does, it’s just always there isn’t it! I should have been 20wks today!! 😢

Yes, at the end of this month if my thyroid bloods have stabilised!! I feel kind of numb about it at the moment tho!!

Hope your doing okay - Sending luv n hugs your way!! 💗xxx

[vic77 in reply to Leo2017]

I feel it always first thing in the morning..we would have been 19 weeks today..heart breaking..sending you so much love ..do you have any frosties?xxx

[Leo2017 in reply to vic77]

I’m the same, first & last thing I think about in a day & so many times in between!! 😢

Yeah we’ve got one left? Is it one you’ve got? I don’t know about u but I’m struggling to feel positive about the next round!! 😕xx

[DanniJones]

Wow you sound like you are keeping strong and looking forward not behind which is fantastic! Have you had any sort of tests to investigate what happened and why? My sister took 4 years to finally get pregnant and that was because of an overactive thyroid. Baby is happy and healthy! Though it's always a good idea to get some answers so you're not left wandering and blaming yourself. I really hope that's not the case!! ❤️❤️ Fingers crossed for you V xxxxxx

[vic77 in reply to DanniJones]

thanks hun..I don't feel that string..no tests as we have unexplained infereality and unexplained miscarriage. .I realise a lot of the infertility world is unexplained apart from my grief which is easy to explain..we will plod on as we chase out dream xxx

[Hidden]

So sorry for you xxx

[Kathryn1984]

I’m cycle day 10 in my first proper cycle after miscarriage. My grief is so up and down. I’ve been pushed to such lows I thought there was no point in my life anymore. I’m back on antidepressants after being off them from when we started ttc. I don’t want to be on them, but I need to get my mental health sorted. I’ve had mental health problem for 20 years on and off. I don’t know how to be strong, I’m not sure I have any advice. I look at my fiancé and my lovely dog, and I try and count my blessings, that they love me and would miss me if I wasn’t here. Bereavement doesn’t ever end I think. I don’t think we “get better” or come out the other end “fixed”. I just think we learn to live with it. Getting up every day and carrying on. Kidding my dog, laughing at funny films, loving my fiancé. It all carries on. One day at a time.

[vic77 in reply to Kathryn1984]

Oh hun I am sending you so much love and here anytime..I too worry for my mental health as some days seem so dark but like you I try to count my blessings. my dh and fur baby are my world xxxxx

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

Aaaragh. So much love straight back at you.

[vic77 in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

thanks hun xx

[WeeMrsH]

Oh my lovely I know how all of that feels, I could have written it. My heart breaks for you. xxx

[vic77 in reply to WeeMrsH]

thanks you Mrs. .much love xxx

[Hidden]

Rant away hunny it’s a struggle everyday.. sometimes I feel numb to the pain and other days it feels like I am looking in on my life and your right people go by like nothing fazes them.

Big hugs to you tomorrow will be a better day 💗

[vic77 in reply to Hidden]

thank you. .so much support here really helps. .today is Friday so all good..much love to you too xx

[Autumnmoon]

Can only imagine how you are feeling it is so hard when everything else seems to go on as normal when your world has been torn apart. Just sending love and hope to you x

[vic77 in reply to Autumnmoon]

thank you hun xxx

[Dreamingofbaby]

It is so hard and unfair. Can relate to like so many on here. Wish there was a way to have more of a guarantee but guess life not that straight forward 😣. Know that it ok and understandable to feel this way. Hopefully we will all get there one day. Hope is all can hold on to a☺️. Take good care hun. Hope u have or do enjoy ur holiday. 😁 xx

[vic77]

thank you so much hun..so many on here with same hidden pain..it's heartbreaking. .much love xxx

[Mifkipi]

A I'm so sad just reading this. Sending lots of love your way xx

[kelsbels88]

Thinking of you hope your doing ok and don’t be too hard on yourself if possible. Sending lots of hugs 💕xx

[emu2016]

You’re allowed to rant whenever you need. Can’t believe I missed this post, sorry. Sending you lots of love. Milestones and that are new at the same time as milestones that are reminders are hard to handle. Big hugs x

[Wishfully]

Do you have someone to talk to vic? Are you able to get some counselling? My heart goes out to you, it really does, I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this is for you. Sending you big hugs xx