Trying to find the strength to keep going..

[RidleyNL]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this platform/forum but certainly not new to the infertility journey - and after four years of trying, I am struggling to find the strength to carry on with this quest to be honest. Anyone interested in the details can read a bit more about our journey in my profile bio, but to cut a long story short: one m/c of a pregnancy of unknown location, two ops due to fibroids and uterine issues, one failed fresh IVF round and one frozen cycle abandoned last month because of fluid in my uterus. Another hysteroscopy incoming...

So! Four years of monthly heartbreak, compounded by the knowledge that my uterus has some serious attitude, makes for a weary, cynical me. I'm just so exhausted from all the relentless setbacks, the lack of support from clinic staff and the shame and isolation of not being able to grow a tiny human.

Pregnancy announcements are devastating - no one can prepare you for how they floor you, and even if well-meaning friends try, the words just sting. I've been unable to see close friends during their pregnancies, and dread updates on social media. I subconsciously scan every single woman I see on the street for the telltale signs of a bump and I can spot the baby on board tube badge a mile off. Just me?!

Having a baby is on my mind every second of the day, so it's honestly laughable when people tell you to relax and try not to think about it. My husband is the most amazing man and so supportive, but I can't help thinking he'd be better off with someone who can give him a family. Because the problem so clearly lies with me, I've lost so much confidence because I don't feel I measure up, and that's now permeating every single part of my life. So then my brain says: I could hardly blame him if he was to leave - I'm definitely not the same woman he fell in love with.

Phew! Sorry for the outpouring, but it does help to let it out. The complexity of the emotions you go through is insane, isn't it? And so, so draining. Sending love to everyone out there xx

[Hidden]

"The monthly heartbreak" - it says it all. I totally agree with everything you've written. It's exhausting. And you're quite right it seeps into every part of your life. I feel like I have to check round every corner for a pregnancy bump, and dread seeing friends I haven't seen for a long time who will almost certainly fill me in on who's pregnant, how so-and-so's getting on with their tiny bundle, when are you going to start trying, etc, etc.

I wish I could be more gracious but my m/cs and childlessness have eaten away at me. Getting it out helps - this place is an absolute must for venting when you need to xxx

[RidleyNL in reply to Hidden]

Ohh yes the dread of the updates and the lack of graciousness, I completely get that. And for me, because I have been fairly open with close friends, the awfulness of them being kind enough to seek me out personally to tell me their happy news. They are being so gentle and in my heart I am so grateful, but there's a part of me who just doesn't want to be 'that person' who has to be considered and carefully told!! A ridiculously vicious cycle isn't it. And my god, yes it eats away at you xx

[ClarabGlasgow]

Oh such an honest post and rest assured you are not alone! That one of bump scanning is a daily occurrence for me too, even with much of Older women at work (like 50s) I often have to reality check myself. Friends bumps are harder still! I also know what you mean about feeling the way you do for your husband missing out and about you no longer being you, I feel those things too but for me it’s secondary infertility so I do have it slightly easier. I am sure your husband adores you though, he will see this as something that has happened to you both I’m sure he doesn’t blame you at all. You are very lucky to have each other . Also be so proud that you are pursuing all these investigations and giving it your all you are very brave. My heart goes out to you and how you are feeling but I think this forum will help you realise just how common infertility is. it’s a heartbreaking thing to have to deal with . Do you have people to talk to who understand? We are all here to help Xx

[RidleyNL in reply to ClarabGlasgow]

The bump scanning is relentless! And yes, I apply that to every woman I meet, regardless of age... I'm so sorry for what you're going through, it's just so hard isn't it. As you say, this is such a supportive forum, it's both heartbreaking and oddly reassuring to see how many of us struggle with infertility. And you're right, I am so very lucky to have my husband. I have a few beautiful friends who are still single, so I try to remind myself daily of what I do have in my life, not just what I don't. And thanks for saying I am brave, because I definitely don't feel it! Mostly I just want to hide under the duvet/run away from it all haha. It's a constant tussle. I have a fantastic therapist who I see each week, my family and a few friends who are always there to listen, but I find I hold back a lot because I feel so much shame and guilt for not being happy with my lot. Oh, there's that vicious circle again xx

[Hidden]

Lady,you are not alone,we all are with you.its not in our hand,you have to understand this.it is our fate ,and we have to accept it.dont just blame your self,you do nothing,you always want child for yourself.so just have patience,and keep trying.and always prey that 'o Allah/god,please keep things easy for me please help me'.

[RidleyNL in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, it helps to know I'm not alone and I know my mum prays for us to become parents each day x

[Hidden]

I hear you. The not knowing each month. The trying to be happy for others when it makes me even more sad for myself. Yes how everyone says relax and stop stressing. I can only imagine as our battles and feelings are our own. I'm so glad you have a supportive husband. Only you will no how long you can continue your journey. I can only say from my own perspective hope and the wish to have a baby is all that gets me through my frustrating journey. I hope for you your that things improve and find the hope and strength to get you through. Wishing you lots of luck xx

[RidleyNL in reply to Hidden]

Yes! To all of the above. It is so hard isn't it, am so sorry you're going through it too. I'm so glad to have found a forum like this where everyone just GETS it. It's heartbreaking to know so many people are having troubles, but also so comforting because it does feel like you're the only one at times, doesn't it. And you're so right, I am very lucky to have a fantastic man by my side - I am trying very hard to focus on what I do have, rather than what I don't. Why is it so ingrained in human nature to compare yourself to others all the time eh?! Good luck to you too xx

[vic77]

hey hun. I could have written that myself😢I know exactly how you feel as I have felt those same feelings. what I have come to realise is though we are stronger than we think.I have been on this journey for nearly 4 years which I can't believe when I say it out loud 😯. the fact that we are still married, I still working and feel mostly holding it together says loads and you sound the very same. I have bad days, plenty of them and feel like I have lost my sparkle but remembering how lucky we are with our fab hubby's always pulls me through and a good hearty laugh with him or friends and just trying to be grateful for all that I have rather than focus solely on what I don't have..not always easy though. I find mindulness helps and exercise when I can be bothered oh and a good hug so I am sending you a huge one of them xxxx

[RidleyNL in reply to vic77]

So sorry you're on this journey too.. As the months drag by it makes you question your sanity a bit doesn't it?! It does me anyway, amongst other things.. Yes I find meditation, yoga and exercise (I recommend boxing to get the stress out!) all help to ease it. And thanks so much for the hug, I can feel it xx

[CBOO1]

Reading your words is like being inside my head, I don’t know how we all find the strength to keep going, somehow we just do, sometimes it’s harder than others. The monthly heartbreak is exactly what it is & the sinking feeling when you hear another announcement, no one could of prepared me for how hard that is & 3 years down the line it’s not getting any easier.

I too scan for signs of bumps - I also find myself asking telling questions - are you going to drink at that event, did you have a drink? Etc etc. Sometimes I have to stop myself & think my god you’ve actually lost the plot!

Big hug to you xxx

[RidleyNL in reply to CBOO1]

Yes! It really doesn't get any easier does it? I'm so alert to all the telltale signs of people I know too: bumps, drinking habits etc. It's like a weird, morbid curiosity because then if my suspicions end up being confirmed, I feel devastated. Oh hello there, vicious circle.. Huge hugs back, I wish you all the luck xx

[gattonero]

Hi Ridley, I hear your call. Been trying for almost 2 years now and I feel many of the things you listed. that monthly (for me not so regularly AF arrival) heartbreak. In my case, due to very low amh, it's surely a massive disappointment to see AF coming but at the same time almost a victory as I'm scared to bits that I'll get to early menopause soon, hence: AF=still producing a couple of follicles=good news despite being a bad BFP news..! funny innit?

And yes, sometimes I really would like to shout out SORRY to the ladies I definitely look at like a weirdo or sadly just because they are holding a kid or they are clearly expecting. I feel so sorry for even thinking "lucky you hon". I wouldn't wish infertility to my worst enemy.

I'm very lucky too tho for having a supersupportive and lovely husband but, yes, I do feel like you sometimes: he would deserve more than a girl who has almost lost all her eggs prematurely. But I am happy to say that we now feel stronger than ever in such a difficult struggle. We've done our best to not wreck and we're proud of going ahead hand in hands. From what I read on your post, you have the same luck and that truly is fantastic.

Not sure if it helps but you're not alone, we read and understand you well!

Sending a big hug from California xx

[RidleyNL in reply to gattonero]

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy either - that's something I've said a lot in the past few months. My heart goes out to you, and I'm so happy for you that you have great support from your husband. I often catch myself and think, wow that really is something to be grateful for. We are strong too (as he often says, he didn't marry me because he thought I would give him him children, he married me for me), but lately it's me just worrying that I will let the crazy take hold and singlehandedly wreck things between us. Writing and reading these posts helps with getting the crazy out thankfully! Sending hugs back to you xx

[Box01]

I can relate to so much of your post, I have just said no to going to one of my best friends baby shower, another one I didn't see during her whole pregnancy, I scan people for bumps and baby on board badges on the tube. It's the hardest journey and is relatively not spoke about and unless you've been on it people have no idea how hard it is. My sister in law went through a lot of pain trying to conceive and they've accepted that it's not going to happen for them and have built an amazing life around not having children. I imagine she is still heart broken but life can continue in an amazing way with the man you love without the grace of children.

[RidleyNL in reply to Box01]

Oh no lovely, I really feel for you, it is so hard with friends isn't it. If they are good friends I do think they understand the struggle though. My sister in law told us last week she is pregnant and I cried for days, and still can't bring myself to keep messaging her even though she knows what we're going through and is offering support (she lives in Australia).

I completely agree, people don't speak about the hardship of the journey enough (actually that's just reminded me of a great Radio 4 series about infertility & IVF which I will post a link to separately). I find lots of people assume that IVF is a guarantee of parenthood, like some kind of golden ticket. Far from it! Or at least only for the lucky ones..

I take massive strength from the story of your sister in law, I so admire people who can accept they've been dealt a shitty hand and move on. I'm not quite there yet, so the daily fight continues, but I reckon I'm not far off letting it go. Life has so much to offer, and truthfully, I am sick of being miserable about this all the time! Good luck to you x

[RidleyNL]

Hi Afandi - I don't know if it's quite clear yet that I can't carry a baby. Many women with fibroids still conceive and go on to have healthy babies. Thanks for the info on surrogacy, I have done some research into that and adoption, and we are open to both options, but they also come with their own set of challenges so they're not to be taken lightly. I will see what my consultant says after the next hysteroscopy - he has been treating me since he did my myomectomy surgery last year so is in the best place to assess our prospects. I'll keep you posted.

[EmJen]

Argh, those bloody baby on board badges. I’d have liked an ‘ovaries the size of bunches of grapes on board’ badge when we were doing our fresh cycle! Honestly. I didn’t realise I could feel so angry, sad or frustrated. After so long, even small things feel epic.

We’re almost five years in, and similar challenges by the sound of it. It took us almost three years to get to IVF because of the time for diagnosis, hysteroscopy ops and healing, op for my husband (0 sperm count - what are the chances!). On our third IVF cycle now, the first resulted in a managed miscarriage, the second was unsuccessful.

I know that feeling of exhaustion. But you are so much stronger than you even know. To have got this far, held it together, stayed sane - it’s amazing. Even if it doesn’t feel that way. Even when all you want to do is smash things or scream.

A friend in a similar space to us sent me an amazing article which I took real comfort from google.co.uk/amp/s/verbalin.... Sometimes it’s just good to know we’re not alone.

If you ever feel like getting a coffee to moan in person let me know!x

[RidleyNL in reply to EmJen]

Hahaha, oh GOD that badges gag made me laugh! So true.. And I hear you, sometimes the minutest things can tip you over the edge can't they.

I'm so sorry you're in this position too. And yes our stories sound verrrry similar. The waiting around between ops, healing and rounds of IVF.. it all just feels endless, and pointless when there's probably just another setback around the corner. I'm wishing you allll the luck in the world with the third round. Where are you up to?

You have a lovely way of looking at things, and it's inspiring to hear about people who carry on. One minute i think I'm not far off letting go of the dream, the next I think how the hell can I be that person to make that decision?! I definitely feel like smashing things and screaming, but if I'm honest mainly I just hide under the covers moping, at least at the moment. Ha.

That's a good article, thanks for sharing. Captures the frustration and sadness really well. We are not alone, there really is some (kinda horrible) comfort in that. And yes to coffee! Do you live in London? x