Trying to find hope

[Violet5451]

Hi all,

This is my first post, thought I would introduce myself. Me and my husband have been trying to conceive for 2 years with no sign of a bfp. I have found it extremely difficult throughout but the last couple of days have been the lowest.

People keep falling pregnant all around and I am finding it hard to stay hopeful. Every month is the same... Hope that this will be the month, trying everything you can, then the dreaded tww, trying not to get carried away with any little symptom, then more hope and thoughts like this is the month and then grief and sadness over a baby you wished for but one that wasn't there. Every month I try not to get my hopes up, every month I think it will get easier.. but it hasn't yet.

I wish we all knew that there was light at the end of the tunnel. That although it may be hard for a while... it will happen. It feels like groundhog month over and over again.

Sorry if this is a long and depressing post... it's just been a bad week!

Vi x

[sarahlovs]

Hiya Vi....Unfortunately I don't have any answers and probably not a great deal of words or wisdom. But you've come to the right place and what I'm confident in saying is here you won't feel alone. Seems you're in a very similar situation to me, it's isolating isn't it. Everyone else had their little pitter patters of tiny feet, why not us?? A heartbreak that hits with every AF and every new pregnancy announcement. Have you had some investigations? Or any treatment? Please don't apologise for your posts, here is the best place to vent and be as honest as you want to be. So many lovely listening and kind ears here hopefully it'll add some warmth to your journey. Good luck to you for something more promising soon 🍀😘 xx

[Violet5451 in reply to sarahlovs]

Thank you for your lovely post. We have had all the investigations and everything has come back ok... just been put on the ivf waiting list and they started me on clomid for the next 6 months. I don't know whether it's better or worse for it to be unexplained... kind of wish there was something they could say was wrong and help somehow.

I am so glad that I found this forum. It's so hard to get support from people who don't understand what it's like. Just to be able to post something on a bad or good day will help a lot and will def add warmth to the journey. One thing that we all have in common I suppose is if it does ever happen for us... we will all truly be grateful. Maybe life deals the hardest cards to those who are strongest to deal with them. Not that I feel strong at the moment! Thank you again xxx

[sarahlovs in reply to Violet5451]

Sorry for the late reply. It actually sounds as though your journey is very similar to my own. We have results on Friday to determine whether we start on clomid or head straight onto IVF waiting list, or both?!

I totally understand your frustration though. Without any conclusive reason for why things are going as planned it's hard to get your head around it, hard to build any sort of hopes and hard to try and anticipate where things may head next. You have to learn to trust the professionals and just go with the flow. Which is hard if you're anything like me! Also, we've had different consultants each time and they each have different ideas so you come away thinking there's a plan but next time it changes.

I'm glad you've found the forum, it's helped me no end with coping with it all and dealing with nerves. The site is full of both celebrations and heartbreaks but always so much togetherness and support.

I like what you say, we are indeed very strong given the crappy cards that life has dealt us. Give yourself some credit, going through the endless tests and appointments alone makes you a stronger person than you perhaps realise.

Please keep in touch, I'm really interested to hear how you get on with clomid, there's every chance I might be too in a few days.

Good luck with it 🍀xxx

[Violet5451 in reply to sarahlovs]

What results are you waiting for on Friday? It is difficult not to know why it isn't happening. I keep thinking- there must be a reason! If I could find it then we could maybe make it better!!

I would really like to keep in touch and hope that your test results go well on Friday. Clomid has been ok so far... hot flushes, a couple of head aches, tiredness and its made me more emotional. But, if it does the job then it's worth it.

I am very glad I have found the forum. I've been on one before but it was nothing like this. Lots of girls posting pics of pregnancy tests and asking for people to invert them to see if there is a line coming. It didn't help at all. This one seems more about support and celebrating good things which is what I need.

Xxx

[sarahlovs in reply to Violet5451]

I had the HSG scan a while ago now, sadly have had to wait til now til results. They've queried some cysts on my ovaries and my progesterone level is really poor. They said if my tubes are clear we can try clomid but if they're blocked we will just go straight on the waiting list. We'll see!

It seems like they've tried to investigate me from (literally) all angles but they haven't pinpointed anything especially, it could be a whole combination of things. I'm hoping things come back clear so they can target my hormones.

Is this your first cycle with clomid then? Really hope it works our for you. As you say, you don't mind all of these ordeals if it's worth it. A crystal ball would also be nice! Did they say how long the waiting list is for IVF where you are?

I see what you mean about other forums, I've seen it all as well. It's so uplifting when there's as positive story on here and everyone celebrates together. Having said that, the forum is also really sensitive to those who really need the extra support. I look forward to browsing it every evening, it's such an eye opener too. Think my husband has noticed I've relaxed a bit more because every time I sense myself getting worked up I just jot it on here and almost instantly there's someone there waiting to keep me calm 😊 xxx

[_MrsC]

HI Vi, this is exactly how I was feeling after a couple of years of ttc. It's really hard to watch others around you fall pregnant with ease and even more so when they're unplanned. You're definitely not alone in feeling like this. We're now nearly five years in and I've begun to come terms with things although I still have really down days. It helped me when we started to go through the process of getting help. I think just knowing we were in the system really helped me. Now we've had one cycle which unfortunately didn't work and are preparing to embark on our next one. Are you getting some help with ttc? It might help with the emotions to know you are at least in the system. I hope you find some solace and reassurance from this forum. It's incredibly helpful and everyone is so supportive. x

[Violet5451 in reply to _MrsC]

Yes we have just been referred to ivf although it's a long wait. I've started clomid but I already ovulate so I don't know how helpful that will be. It's just lovely to hear off people who are going through the same thing and to know I'm not alone. Thank you for your reply. Praying that your next cycle works xxx

[Pinky_123]

Hi Vi, you are not alone. I have good days and bad days, but slowly learning not to be too hard on myself - this is hard stuff to deal with. I find it helps to have support from others, I've not been on here long but it's a lovely group. Sending you a hug xxx

[Violet5451 in reply to Pinky_123]

Thank you pinky and sending a hug back. Just having these replies had helped already. It is def the hardest thing I've ever been through but it's already helped knowing I have some people to talk to who know what I'm going through. Xxx

[Pinky_123 in reply to Violet5451]

I try and remember we are going to be amazing mums one day, we will have so much compassion and understanding of people that struggle - doesn't make up for not having a baby right now but there has to be some pay off to this, right?!xx

[Violet5451 in reply to Pinky_123]

Yes I hope there will be some pay off. I would like to also turn this into something more positive and maybe volunteer at a support group or something in the future. I think through all the heartache we will have a lot of experience to help those who are struggling and so maybe we could turn this horrible journey into something positive? Xxx

[TTCs]

Hi I could have written this post, I feel exactly the same as you!! It is such a tough journey to be on yet on the surface we have to be all smiles and happy at the constant baby announcements and feel guilty for wanting it to be our turn. Just know your not alone. This forum is great for support but also to learn of other successes and to know there's no reason why that can't be us at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later Xx

[Violet5451 in reply to TTCs]

Thank you. I think one of the hardest things is trying to keep hope and believe that it will be us. I tried to give hope up about 6 months ago so it wouldn't hurt so much each month. But that didn't work and now I feel I need more hope again. It's a vicious monthly cycle of heartbreak. I just wish we could look into a magic ball and know when it will happen. It's lovely to have people to talk to and thank you again for your reply. Xxx

[TTCs in reply to Violet5451]

I totally agree. Even if we knew it wouldn't happen for another few years but that it would definitely happen I feel it would be so much easier but I guess life never gives us that insight. Holding onto hope is definitely super hard! I also find it difficult to accept that we won't have that longed for excitement to try and the magical surprise announcement. "Fertile days" aren't necessarily try he most romantic lol. But in saying that as long as there's a baby at the end of this journey I guess the route doesn't matter so much 😘 I also feel that when it's our time we will cherish it and appreciate it so much more than if it came easy. Searching for small victories 😏 xx

[Violet5451 in reply to TTCs]

Yes, I thought earlier that the journey that is meant to be fun and easy has been taken away from us. But you are right, anyone who has gone through this will truly be able to appreciate it. Not that other people don't, but I do think we will appreciate it more.

If a magic ball said I would have a baby in 10 years... it would be easier. Just to be able to know it would happen.

It's funny how emotionally draining this journey is... every emotion possible goes through my head each month. Every month when I get hopeful I imagine telling my husband. And feel that joy and then it's blown away by a painful period!!! Which we then have to endure for a week! Talk about a kick when your down!!! I can't tell you how much getting replies to my post has lifted my spirits. Just knowing others feel the same way has made me feel stronger. Xxx

[TTCs]

Sorry typed a reply and it disappeared! It was just to say that I totally empathise. I can't tell you the amount of times I've checked p-interest for ideas to make a thoughtful and unique pregnancy announcement to my hubby and to the grandparents. Needless to say I've never been able to use any of them 😐 And convincing myself that every little symptom just might be a pregnancy symptom....but then the period arrives like a slap in the face to tear that dream away for another month. We all have it in us to stay strong and when we're just not able because it all gets too much this forum is here to help us all pick up the pieces xx

[Violet5451 in reply to TTCs]

Thank you xxxx

[Mrsjj]

Totally get your comments that was me too for 4 years. Can't find anything wrong , unexplained, taking chlomid as that's the only thing the NHS could offer me even though I didn't need it. Just try not to lose yourself in the process and remain positive. Dark days are there every month unfortunately but you can do this and it will happen for you, there's no reason for it not too xx

[72cloud9]

Here is the place to get it out when you are having a low time!we all go thru it. Big hugs xxx

[Georgina78]

Hi & welcome Vi, you've come to the right place for support and understanding and you'll soon realise you're definitely not alone. The rollercoaster of emotions when ttc can be so difficult, I feel the same that if only you knew it would happen eventually it would be so much easier to bear all the crappy stuff that goes into it.

Have you seen your gp for initial tests and to request a referral if you've been trying for 2 years? I know it can be scary to face going down that road but at least you'd know if there's anything wrong and could deal with it and hopefully successfully treat it. Lots of luck whatever you decide xx

[lottdott]

Hi Violet, I am new to this online group to and me and my husband have been trying for a year and a half, I have my problems which means I don't ovulate I have PCOS and endometriosis so I kinda knew trying to have a baby would always be hard, so for you and your husband I can only imagine the stress of not knowing why it isn't working. I take drugs to help with ovulating and four months in I still haven't ovulated properly, although last month was my first positive ovulation test, but like yourself I still go through the motions of every month thinking it's still possible! It's like torture so I completely understand your down days.

My friends are all pregnant most with their second and all I see is scan pictures and baby clothes and talk of their nursery planning etc and I have to be happy for them as they once had the same fears and thoughts I do. We are going through ivf we haven't started yet but already my stress is a major thing to deal with. I think one of the things if you can learn to is relax. I had some lovely tips from ladies on here who have been through a lot more heartbreak than with going through ivf and it failing and having miscarriages, and they are all still hopeful. Try ways to relax - whether it's running, yoga, acupuncture, listening to music etc. I know this is easier said than done and it's still something I am learning to do myself. The worse part about this whole process is that we have no control over it and no answers as to why it isn't easy for us and through it all if it will work. But all we can control is our happiness and our positivity. I believe this is why women are the ones who fall pregnant we are strong and resilient and you can do this, you got it! I know it's hard every month to get a negative test but, try to be kind to yourself and do things to help yourself by trying to take your mind off it as much you can each month and have fun in the meantime! This process can take that away from you, so enjoy all the little moments of love and laughter.

I wish you all the luck and love on your onward journey. I hope you get what you deserve xxxxx

[Violet5451 in reply to lottdott]

I can't tell you how nice it was to see this message this morning. I kept thinking all day "I've got this"! Thank you!

Stress is so hard to deal with. When people say relax and it will happen. I think half the time I'm beating myself up about being stressed which stresses me out!!! And I keep thinking "shit now I'm stressed so have I blown it for this month!"

Wishing you all the luck and love in this journey xxx

[lottdott in reply to Violet5451]

Good I am glad, we always seem to forget how strong we can be, & you have got this! Just because at some parts in the month we have 'weak moments' and can be sad and down, the rest of the time we still manage to get on and put clothes on, make up on and go out to work and function!!

I do exactly the same thing with stress and I annoy myself when I find myself thinking about it and talking about it I find my stomach is all in knots. And people just telling you to relax always has the opposite effect I find! Especially when my mother in law saying it! 😂 But I woke up this morning after having a week of crap and incorrect information, from both my IVF clinic and the hospital, being given the wrong drugs, and being in that damn hospital pharmacy for over a hour and a half, and I just thought to myself how can I take back control when I feel so lost and fully out of control. And I find just putting a smile on my face and thinking of the things I appreciate in my life is a good and small place to start.

Wish you all the very best, and we are all here to build each other back up again! Take care of yourself! Xxxxx

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Welcome to this amazing group.and good luck with your journey.miracles do happen here all the time.😊