Moving on

[Caroliono4]

My period kicked in 8dp5dt. At 43 and 4 natural mcs we knew my own eggs had a low chance of working, although my afc (14) and amh (10.9) seemed okayish enough for the clinic to suggest we could give it a go. I'm probably more disappointed we weren't able to get enough blastocysts for PGS as I'd hoped to get 'definitive' evidence one way or another to decide whether to move on to donor eggs instead of being in this loop of confusion. We have a follow-up appointment in a couple of weeks; the pragmatist in me knows its unrealistic to try again with my own eggs but I still can't help crying when I realise that I have now lost my chance.

[genten]

Bless you. It's such a horrible thing to have to go through and it is an awful loop.

Whatever you decide to do, I'm wishing you lots of luck xx

[Hidden]

Hi Caroliono4

It does seem very hard at times. Have you spoken with a counsellor at all? I don't think that going down the egg donation route means you have lost your chance at all. In fact, it is a great miracle which gives another opportunity to nourish, nurture and give birth to a life. You will be the person who carries the baby and you will be the person feeding and bringing up the baby.

Hope that helps. Wishing you all the very best with your quest. Xx

[Caroliono4 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. Yes I generally feel positive about donor eggs just a strange unexpected bit of sadness at never being able to see the result of mine and my husbands genes, even though it's not something that's ever bothered me before. There's probably a few other mixed emotions in there too. X

[Hidden in reply to Caroliono4]

I am sure there will be. And despite everything i still have a faint hope each month that things will happen naturally. Big hugs and wishing you all the best luck x

[vic77]

I am so sorry to read this..it just gets harder and harder..I just wanted to send you a big hug and hope your appointment helps to clarify next steps xxxx

[Caroliono4 in reply to vic77]

Thank you x

[Mantaray75]

I'm so sorry it hasn't worked out for you. I'm 42 and initially had AMH of 25 when I started this whole fertility journey a few years ago and it then dropped to 15. I've done 4 cycles with my own eggs including one miscarriage.

Its a big step to stop but we decided last August that it wasn't really worth another go. We've now started contacting clinics in Spain to consider DE. Sometimes I'm ok with the decision but part of me will always grieve not being able to have my own baby with my husband.

Its a very personal choice and some people are lucky and get pregnant in their 40's but you will know when the time is right to stop.

x

[Caroliono4 in reply to Mantaray75]

Thank you for your reply. It's hard dealing with the unknowns, isn't it i.e. Is there still that one good egg in there that will work? However I start thinking of what we would have to do to find the good egg if it exists (multiple cycles of egg banking and PGS) and there is no way we can afford that emotionally or financially.

[Hidden]

What a journey this is. I agree with what people are saying it is very personal. I found out my AMH was 0.5 I cried, I grieved I got angry and some days still do. After much thought we decided to go donor egg but I have said I don’t want anyone knowing. It was and is the only way for me which people might not agree with and is certainly against a lot of the advice they give you but it’s our way. We went somewhere that reflected my heritage for donor eggs. First try pregnant but miscarried early. One more try left. The baby will be grown inside you with your blood and you will always be mummy. I didn’t know how I would feel but seeing the BFP and then dealing with the loss, it was most definitely my baby and didn’t even consider when I was pregnant that it wasn’t mine. I hope that helps but do what is good for you. Big hugs xxx

[Caroliono4 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. Good luck with your next try x x

[Clare_lou]

Hi Caroline, i just wanted to say I’m so sorry this didn’t work for you. You are incredibly brave for trying after all that you’ve been through.

I’m in a similar situation to you. I’m 43 and have had 3 natural pregnancies that all ended in miscarriage. The last one nearly finished me off. So to pick myself up and go through the long and difficult process of ivf (this time last year) for it then not to work was devastating.

I have spent so much time living in grief, but we’re now going through de treatment and it feels hopeful. Some days I still feel incredibly sad that it has come to this, and often in the back of my mind I know I’m still waiting for a miracle...that I know in reality is not actually going to happen - due to partner issues...but I also feel incredibly lucky that I have at least a chance to be a mum.

Anyway, I just wanted to reach out and tell you that I understand what you’re going through. I’m so sorry it’s not better news for you. Sending you hugs xx

[Caroliono4 in reply to Clare_lou]

Thank you for your lovely message, I'm sorry that you have also had a similar experience. It's been hard ttc with such limited expectations and not grieving each miscarriage because (in my head) 'it was inevitable '. After the fourth I just couldn't face another one, particularly the merry-go-round of the EPU / ultrasound waiting room waiting for the mandatory two scans to confirm the loss (and begging them not to send me off for another week in case I miscarried at work). I wish the Recurrent Miscarriage Unit had told me at my first appointment 'You're too old, it's pointless having all these tests' instead of stringing me along with progesterone and blood thinners and medical trials. I wish the consultant had not blindly stated 'oh if you're getting pregnant it won't be the sperm ' only to find out two years later we also had a male factor issue which might have contributed. I'm also very angry at myself. But I think now is the time to stop being angry and move on. I still feel more than ever that my husband and I would make great parents and I don't want to lose this opportunity. I'm so pleased to hear the DE route has given you back your hope of becoming a mum. I wish you all the best of luck over the next few months and send a big hug back.

[Clare_lou in reply to Caroliono4]

Thanks Caroline. I can imagine it must have been...i totally understand that self-preservation of it being 'inevitable'. It's just so hard. everyone told me that i had to be positive and optimistic, and me worrying that my negativity would cause me either not to get pregnant or to lose it again if i did. But then at the same time not wanting to be too hopeful as it would then be so much harder if/when it all went wrong.

I understand your anger too. I have felt very let down by the medical profession too. I was told in a very blase manner that it was because of my age but my first and second miscarriages were in my twenties and thirties. Also, the partner i am with now has an inherited heart condition so we looked into IVF some time ago as we wanted PGD but were told i was too old to get NHS treatment, which turned out not to be true! So we wasted lots of time there. Also, after lots of pushing, we found out that my partner has issues with his sperm anyway - after being told it wouldn't be him that was the problem!

So yes, i can totally relate to your anger. And of course, being angry at yourself. Feeling like a failure and wondering if i could have done things differently, then maybe...

But i think you are right. Here we are. I feel exactly the same as you about us being great parents. So, good for you for not giving up. It's okay to be sad... I think we are allowed given all that we've been through. be kind to yourself and look after each other.

Thank you so much. I'm here if you ever need to talk xx

[Caroliono4 in reply to Clare_lou]

Thank you. You too xx

[GiantPanda]

Hi Caroliono, so sorry to read about your experience. I think you're really brave and wish you best of luck with your decisions. Look after yourself. Xxx

[Caroliono4 in reply to GiantPanda]

Thank you Giant Panda. Just seeing your name has cheered me up as I'm imagining baby pandas rolling round in the snow!

[GiantPanda]

😀 Here's a visual for you then. Hope you enjoy!

youtu.be/IVG_0OPo3Xw(Not working as expected?)

Xx

[Caroliono4 in reply to GiantPanda]

awww too cute!!!

[Scarlett13]

It's such a draining journey of twists and turns, but with hope and perseverance you'll get your baby xxx