Fertility Network UK
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Dreading tomorrow. Time for my big girl pants?

Tomorrow afternoon is a friend’s mother’s funeral. A very sad occasion. What I’m going to struggle with the most however is seeing my two bffs. One is heavily pregnant (due date was yesterday) and the other one is two weeks further along than I was with my last pregnancy and is due in April, as was I. I’ve not seen either of them since we were all three pregnant and I was blissfully unaware of Bb’s fate. It was going to be AMAZING, growing my bump with my best friends. Since then we all came to an agreement about keeping the lines of communication open but minimising the baby talk on their parts. We’d all agreed that I wouldn’t see either of them until I was 100% ready and at my own pace, most likely once their babies were here. I’m the last one out of all my friends not to have children or a baby now. There really is no avoiding tomorrow. I have said that I won’t go to the wake, that may be too much, but I will of course go and pay my respects and get through it one way or another I guess. It doesn’t help matters that all of my meds have now arrived for fet no.3 and I’m feeling overwhelmed by all the drugs I have to take, and thoughts of what could go wrong again... Coping strategies anyone?

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My word, that is a horrible scenario for you. The anticipation of it is probably going to be worse than the reality, maybe it is a opportunity for you to give them both a hug and for them to give you one back .... and have a good cry. Do you have someone that is going with you for support? Positive vibes from me to you xx

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Thank you. Hopefully you’re right with the expectation versus reality thing.

Yes my OH is going with me xx

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Glad to hear that hubby will be with you! You know, its amazing where we get the strength from when we are faced with difficult situations but we do it and even if you crumple in a heap at the end of the day you'll be proud of yourself for making what is an effort for most but more than anyone will realise for you! Hang on in there kidda!xx

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Thank you so much xx

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Hi lovely,

So sorry to hear this- what an awful situation. My best friend told me she was pregnant the day I started my injections. She had started trying and fell pregnant the first month with bloody twins! I can’t see her at the moment either and we are having some time off just to help me cope with everything during my ivf. Life is so cruel sometimes and i am so sorry that you have to go through this. As for coping strategies... maybe go a little late so that most people are already sat down. You can sit in the back. When you speak to them just try to remember that your time will come. Pinch your thumb nail- apparently that releases calming endorphins. Maybe read up on some acupressure points that you could use to help. Other than that.. it’s going to be a hard day for you. But you will get through it. Cry if you need to. Maybe do something afterwards that you like? I love going to the beach so maybe something like that that you love could help you after.

Will be thinking of you lovely and hoping it’s not too bad. Just remember you are strong and you will be ok xxxx sending lots of love. Oh and get a pillow.. pretend it’s life and punch the shit out of it. So sorry again hunny xxxx

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Some really good tips there and I shall give them all a try. Thank you, I really appreciate your reply xx

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No worries at all lovely. Will be thinking of you xxx

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Hey tugsgirl, uve been given some pretty good advice, dont think i can top it so just wanted to say we will be thinking of u! You are a wonderful friend and im sure ur presence at the funeral will be appreciated by your friend in mourning. You've been through many tough times so if nothing else u know u are a strong, strong woman, you can do this 😘 xxx

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Thank you xx

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I am really sorry that you have to go through this...

Attending to your description your friends seem to be understanding of the situation. I guess I would try and go there to be part of the mourning, It is sad but you have also recently suffered losses, so It could even be somehow healing for you. Also try and make the dissociation and see your friends simply as friends attending the funeral, not as pregnant women. At least their pregnancies will not have much attention in such circumstances...

I am sorry I can not be more helpful... Just keep in mind that your are doing the right thing but that you have to think of you first and only do the much you feel you can do.

All the best xxx

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Many thanks xx

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This is the side to infertility that so many people don’t realise, the anxiety we have going to certain situations so be proud of yourself for going. I really hope the reality is better and your friends are thoughtful to you as well. We definitely do find reserved strength we didn’t know was there xx

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It’s a case of having to more often than not isn’t it? xx

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Sure is, doesn’t make it any easier though xx

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Oh wow, what a situation to deal with... but you will manage as that’s what you do best without even realising it! It’s a day where you all need each other and it may well be helpful in helping you heal even if it’s by shedding tears together. I can’t offer advice, just a lot of hugs and love your way to help 💕xx

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Thank you xx

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Awwww my gorgeous girl so sorry the time has come at such an awful time. Big hugs and violet has given you some great tips lovely I was going to say go late and do something afterwards. I'll pm you tomorrow you know I'll be thinking of you. Lots of love 💗🤗😘

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Hey lovely lady. I hope you’re ok xx

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I'm fine lovely thanks, will chat tomoz if your up to it 💗🤗😘

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I’m so sorry and can understand how you’re feeling. Hard enough seeing pregnant people everywhere (I’ve got a lady at work - ugh!) but when they are your closest friends, that is so very harsh. I’m so sorry... love the advice that’s been given. If it were me, I’d also bring sunglasses for going to/from the car, regardless of weather, just in case of crying the sunglasses feel like extra privacy. Maybe also work out your exit strategy just in case you need to leave early or when it’s over and you’ve had enough? Really love the advice to do something nice afterward. It will be tough but you can absolutely do it - you have been through all of this with strength, grace and dignity. Tomorrow will be the same as it’s who you are. Sending much love xxx

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I’m deeply touched thank you xx

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That is a brutal situation to deal with and please be proud of yourself tomorrow evening that you got through it (even if you cry your eyes out when you get home - as I have often done in the past after evens surrounded by pregnant friends).

I don’t know how you go through another FET without worry given all you have been through. My only advice from my own experience is to keep as busy as possible to stop your mind wandering to bad places.

You so deserve for things to work this time and I truly hope they do, x

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Oh sweet what a horrible situation for you to endure can only really mimic what the others have said but you’ll have your OH with you for support and it does sound like your friends are supportive of your situation but I knowing seeing them will be difficult as they can’t hide the fact they are pregnant. I know you’ll get through it your such a tough cookie and it’s people like you who deserve to get their little miracle and I believe you will! Sending you lots of love and hugs - keep being strong xxxx

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Thank you 😊 xx

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You are all so lovely to me you’ll have me crying in a minute! Thank you lovely ladies 😘 xx

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Some really good advice in there for dealing with the service and astute comments too. all I can say is keep in mind - that there will be an end to the service, and to the day.

wear something that comforts you. either because it's soft, or you feel good in it.

these good friends will also be aware that it will be a difficult situation for you. they will have missed your friendship immensely I am sure - likely it's been the same for you, not just dealing with the loss of your child to be, but the succour & support you would have normally been able to turn to the gf's for. .. it could become a chance to hug, to cry together - they will know there's more than your mutual friend's mom that you are crying for. It will be a sad place to first be seeing these two buddies again... but in another slightly different light, peripheral strangers wont know the background to your life (I acknowledge some may do so) but it gives a kind of privacy cover for you to be able to be visibly upset and the other well-meaning guests wont know the truth of your pain. (ie rather than having to plaster on a happy face if it were a wedding)

I agree with suggestion of you & hubster doing something together afterward. wil help you focus.a good walk with your dh in a big park or seaside could be nice.. I do find walking makes me & hubby talk .something about the space, the steady slow pace and just the sound of your feet reconnects the 2 of us - yet I wouldn't say we go for walks often.we should though.-2weeks back we had an intended 30 minute waddle turn into a 2hour stride, in a sleetstorm..i'd just been signed off work (recent chemical pg +other stress = hit my wall) I came back after the walk more at peace. we spoke and we listened to each other. sometimes hard to do when ife/house is busy .

your new regimen will be for another day.

tomorrow, you just need to get through the day. I send you my invisible cape of invincibility.(* one day i'll give the background story )

I warn you it's torn & darned; this year it got real raggedy... but you have it for tomorrow xxx

paje

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Thank you. Sounds like I need to get one of those myself lol xx

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Its wrapped round u today .💖

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As some people have said, the anxiety in the lead up to seeing pregnant people / those with children is usually worse than actually seeing them. I had such terrible anxiety in the week leading up to being around women with child; I'd usually be really snappy or cry! It's a lot worse for you as you've been pregnant and you were supposed to share the journey, but I bet you'll actually be happy to see them. It sounds like they are really supportive and considerate of your feelings. Just take one step at a time and don't do anything that will upset you. Make lots of eye contact with your friends and politely excuse yourself if you find the conversation gearing towards their pregnancies. Xx

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No words of wisdom but wanted to wish you well for tomorrow...a tough day all round but if anyone can handle it, you can. If your friends are good and true, they will want to minimise any distress and are probably just longing to see you again - I bet they have missed you! Do and say as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. Your presence will speak volumes, you need feel no pressure to behave in a particular way. Look after yourself xxx

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What an awkward and tough situation. Really sorry to hear about your friend's mum. That is so sad. You are a great support to your friend who has lost her mother. You are also very brave going especially when you will see 2 friends there who are pregnant. You are strong and can get through this. Your friends will understand how hard it will be for you to see them in their state. They perhaps will feel awkward. I agree with the other ladies who have suggested doing something nice afterwards. Wishing you all the best and thinking about you.xo

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To be honest this friend who’s lost her Mum wasn’t a very good friend to me at all last year. In fact she hurt me very deeply so I walked away from her and cut all ties. However, when I heard her Mum was really ill I messaged her and told her I was sorry to hear it. I have stayed in touch with her since and she wants me at the funeral but I can’t honestly say that I can ever truly forgive her for hurting me so much. But I feel for her, I can’t imagine losing my Mum so I’m putting myself in her shoes... In fact my Mum said I shouldn’t go but I’m going to do the right thing xx

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You really have turned the other cheek by attending your "friend's" mum's funeral especially given the fact how abysmally she has treated you. I admire you for being so thoughtful and upright. Your actions I am sure will give food for thought for your friend. How did today go? How are you feeling now?xo

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Hey 👋 it was really tough but I survived. I did a little update in my comments at the bottom xx

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All the best for tomorrow hun go pay your respects and stay for as long as you feel you can, you have a lot going on right now so try and balance out the day by you and hubbs go and do something nice together, will be thinking of you 😘❤️💕 xxx

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I’ve followed your postings over the months and one of the things Ive noticed about you is that you have such a good heart. If l know that, then your bffs certainly do too. Give yourself permission not to go tomorrow, it’s ok. The world will continue. But If you do go, them mentally have some coping strategies. Note the exits, bathrooms. Take tissues, cry openly, be honest and say it’s all overwhelming and you have to leave. Try to remember, it’s ok for you to be real. Brace yourself, people have short memories and may be unaware of your heartache, so make sure you are sitting with someone supportive. I wish you well sweet girl.

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Lovely 😊 Thank you xx

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Just wanted to say that I’ll be thinking of you today. Everyone’s given some great advice. The only thing I have to add really is that I’m sure they’ll appreciate that you are still grieving yourself. Don’t feel awkward about giving that as a reason for leaving promptly. Also, with the losses you have faced, you haven’t had the opportunity for everyone to gather together to say goodbye so funerals are hard for that reason too. This is another reason you can give and justifiably so. Take it as it comes. No one just cries at a funeral for the person who has just died. We all remember others we have lost. You are simply doing the same thing but have very recent losses to contend with. Let yourself grieve too. I hope it goes as well as it can. Big hug Xxx

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You’ve made some good points. I hadn’t thought of it that way.. Thank you xx

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Reading through these amazing responses I can’t really add any more advice. I just wanted to wish you well for today. You are so very brave and selfless. Will be thinking of you xx

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Thanks 😊 xx

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Lots of good advice already given, but I just wanted to say I’m thinking of you today, funerals are terrible at the best of times, but just bare in mind you’re going to support your friend, which is a wonderful thing to do, and you will feel better for going than missing it because the universe for some reason keeps dealing you a shit card, so pat yourself on the back for being brave. Like you say you won’t go to the wake, so go and do something nice with your husband, and be proud of yourself.

Lots of love xxx

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Thank you xx

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Yes, put on your big girl pants & march straight over there and give your friends a hug. I’m sure the anxiety will lift when you’ve tackled it head on. We’re all human after all. Good luck today & be strong x

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You will surprise yourself, you are stronger than u think and the anticipation is always worst, after we lost Harrison pregnant friends came to his funeral and people who had babies around the same time that he died I eventually saw... the anticipation was always the worst bit and I was ok in the end. It's a tough situation Hun esp at a funeral but u will be amazing I am sure and will be glad when it's over too! Xx

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I hope all went ok today x

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It was hard. I sat on the end of a row with my two bffs, ironically there were no other seats left for me to take. I could barely look at their stomachs. But I did hold my one bff’s hand for a while. She’s gotten so big. Two weeks behind her that’s all I was. All the time I kept thinking about the last time the three of us were sat together, all three of us pregnant and how empty my womb was now and how beautiful their bumps were today. I am ashamed that I cried for my lost babies today when today wasn’t about me and my grief. When we got out we paid our condolences to the family and walked towards our cars. My bffs asked me for hugs and I could feel their bumps against me. It was too much and I broke down and sobbed. They cried too. I didn’t go on to the wake.

I’ve spent so many months avoiding this situation, this hurt, but it’s done now and I survived today.

Thank you everyone for your support xx

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You did it lovey, well done x

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Hey lovely. Well done, you should be very proud of yourself for going. I can’t even begin to imagine how horrendous it must have been for you. It shows what an amazing person you are though for going and putting someone else (who wasn’t there for you) first. Lots of love and hugs and respect lovely and all thoroughly deserved xxx

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Iv shed some tears reading this.you are a beautiful person and your friends are also great. I really hope one day you can can all get to sit down over a cup of tea and watch your children play together.Their children will be like big sisters or brothers to yours. I really wish that for all of you. I have just said a prayer for you and i really do wish you the very best this year. Sending you hugs.

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💕

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Please don’t be ashamed. There is nothing shameful about grieving. Grief hits you at different times and in different ways. You can not help how you feel. You had such a difficult day. Give yourself a break. You deserve it. You went to the funeral to support someone who wasn’t so supportive of you. Not only that, but you went knowing it would be difficult personally for you. Let yourself off the hook for crying for your losses. xxx

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Thank you 😘 xx

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Oh my goodness, I just cried reading this. Sending you the warmest hugs xx

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xx

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You did amazingly. Xx

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Thank you xx

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Well done Hun be proud of yourself! One of the hardest things u will ever go through but u did it, its over and u will have your big bump one day I know u will! I honestly never ever thought I would be a mum and even after Harrison yes I was finally a mum but I never thought I would get to bring up a child.. I am sure your friends were hurting lots too for you xx

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I'm so proud of you. You survived a truly harrowing day. That must have been so tough seeing your heavily pregnant best friends. Really have felt for you today. That's the day over now. It is behind you. Try and do something fun/nice over the weekend. Xo

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Thanks Poppy xx

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U are a true friend! Well done for making it through the funeral. Thats ok u cried ur own tears, ur pain isnt any less because someone else is in pain. You were there for ur friend and thats what matters 😘 xx

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Well done Tugs, I’m not sure I could have done what you have done. You deserve lots of treats, be very, very kind to yourself today you have been very brave. Xxxx

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Thank you everyone. I’m always very touched by your support xx 😘

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