scratch in the snow❄❄❄

[vic77]

off this morning nice and early given huge snowfall, for another scratch and some catheter test given our last transfer was so difficult. I just hope staff make it into clinic what with weather. I am just feeling so low and emotional. I honestly feel like I have been a shadow of my former self for years now. out with a friend through the week for coffee and I just felt like a pathetic, sad individual. started new job in November in the hope that stress with work would reduce and I seem to be over analysing everything and still stressef at work just feel so useless biologically and mentally..this all just sucks. off for more counselling next week which should help and I know I need to practice what I preach on here it is just so hard sometimes and am just having a shit week..can round 5 really be the one?got my list of questions for consultant and embryologist today as still to decide on single or double transfer and I know I should be so grateful we have any to transfer at all..I just feel so fed up and find it hard to function sometimes....sending you all hugs and love xxx

[E_05]

Wishing you lots of luck for today, hope everyone makes it to the clinic. Can totally relate to how your feeling being a shadow of yourself, I had an initial counselling assessment yesterday and said the same thing. I feel like I’ve forgotten how to enjoy life! Really hope number 5 is lucky for us both 🤞xx

[vic77 in reply to E_05]

Oh I so hope so. .we really deserve this surely😀home now and just relaxing..suns out now 🌞🌞🌞xx

[vic77 in reply to vic77]

Oh how did you find the counselling? helpful I hope..we are back there next week for our 2nd session xx

[E_05 in reply to vic77]

We sure do! Glad the suns come out, mine was just like an assessment so they can decide what therapy would be best which they’ll let me know tomorrow. I told them I’ve been to a group session which didn’t help so I’m hoping they’ll agree to 1-1 counselling. How did you find your first session? Xx

[vic77 in reply to E_05]

We had counselling once before at previous clinic and woman just seemed very clinical and not very warm but we were open to trying again and this lady fab.. I think feeling a connection is key...I blubber most of my way through but she was grand with that and seemed really keen to hear from my husband and she had such a lovely way with him and he really found her helpful too..are you young yourself or with hubby? I am sure it will be helpful and very brave of you to go xxx

[E_05 in reply to vic77]

Definitely, I think without the connection you’ll never feel comfortable enough to open up. Ah I’m so glad she’s helping, il be going by myself. My hubby isn’t very open to counselling we both went to speak to someone after my MMC but I did most of the talking in the end 🙄 Like most men he doesn’t often talk about his feelings and say he’s wouldn’t to a stranger xx

[vic77 in reply to E_05]

well I am sure it will help you..good luck with it xx

[Dunla]

Hope you get on ok in the snow. We had an early start too and managed to get to the clinic on time. Good luck with the scratch also.

I totally relate to what you’re saying about feeling like a shadow of yourself. I feel exactly the same. It’s awful how this takes over your life. Please try not to punish yourself over it. You’ve had a really tough time and it’s inevitable it will take its toll. We will get through it though!

If it makes you feel any better, I ended up leaving my job in August 2017 after having a complete breakdown the previous November. Couldn’t cope with stress of work and cumulative effect of failed ivf after failed ivf. I’m still out of work and feeling really anxious about what the future holds. Feel like I’ve totally messed up my career and don’t know what the future holds for me as far as work goes. Met a friend from my old work place last Saturday and like you, I felt rubbish.

I’m also on round 5 and hoping this is the one for us too. I’m telling myself it has got to be. We’ve spent all that’s left of our savings on DE, so expensive. So for purely practical reasons, this is it.

I genuinely wish you all the very best for your upcoming cycle and will be hoping we both get our BFP. 2018 will be our year 💕

Lots of love xx

[vic77 in reply to Dunla]

hey hun...thanks so much for reply. sounds like we are in a very similar situation indeed. I feel like quit ing work or leaving often but we need the money for treatment so I feel like I am stuck in a revolving door..I tried to be brave and change jobs but the feelings are the same..the cumulative effect of failed cycles feels like grief piled on top of even more grief with a sprinkle of hope every now and again followed by a tsunami of disappointment and upset. I am so sorry you are experiencing the same shite. you are so so brave to be still doing this and sending me such a supportive message..I am so hopefully for your meet cycle and sending masses of love xx

[Dunla in reply to vic77]

It really is such a cumulative effect and Tsunami is such an appropriate word to describe the emotions too. I feel like such a massive failure sometimes and wonder how the hell things ended up like this. My confidence in myself is pretty much rock bottom at the minute so need to work on that.

I hope your counselling appointment will help you. Sending you masses of love also.

Keep us posted on how you’re getting on xx

[TTCs]

Hi vic77! I hope your procedure went ok? I totally understand how your feelong when you say a shadow of your former self! This journey just chips and chips away at you until suddenly you dont recognise yourself anymore. It is so hard to practice what we preach. We know we should remain positive etc but sometimes it is just so hard. I really hope you get success this time 😘xx

[vic77 in reply to TTCs]

thanks hun😀it's so tough..enjoy that meal...what you going for?xx

[TTCs in reply to vic77]

Im not sure im thinking steak? ❤

How are u feeling after ur procedure? X

[Positive2022]

Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and wishing you lots of luck for today, I really hope it goes well for you. Never feel alone, we're all here for you. Sending BIG hugs your way xxx

[vic77 in reply to Positive2022]

thanks so much..home now with soup and trashy mags and just going to feel sorry for myself today xx

[Positive2022 in reply to vic77]

Hope you''ve had a restful day under the duvet. Wishing you every success with everything. Take care xxx

[-noodles-]

hello lovely, hope today went as smoothly as possible and you’re on your way back home to rest & take it easy.

i think most of us can relate to what you said about how this journey changes us. it impacts everything - friendships, work, family relations, finances. it’s hard to imagine some days that you will ever feel okay again.

you’ve been to hell & back and it’s totally normal that you feel shit.

be kind to yourself, do things that make you feel good - go for a walk in the snow! have a bath, get a take away tonight.

someone shared a beautiful post here in december, and one particular part applies to all of us:

“remember how brave you’ve been. acknowledge how far you have come”

sending love 💕✨💕

[vic77 in reply to -noodles-]

thanks hun. you are so right about the wider impact. ..changed and strained friendships which is so upsettung, our savings depleted, feeling like a failure at work, failure as a wife..the list goes on..having a beat myself up day clearly.😂the quote is so true and so helpful..I think alot of us forget to give ourselves credit...scratch done and all good..she did a mid catheter test too after last transfer difficulties and reckons all is OK and that we were just unlucky last time..still no further forward on single or double transfer tho😢how u doing? xxx

[-noodles- in reply to vic77]

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE - repeat after me, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!

you’re an amazing strong woman going through a cruel & unfair experience.

you’ve got to be kind to yourself & get yourself in a good mindset for this next round.

PM anytime xx

[vic77 in reply to -noodles-]

I know Hun..will dig deep I promise..giving myself today to mope on couch with my pooch then string woman tomorrow..lol...hope you doing ok...we might be cycling about same time..when will scratch be? Xx

[-noodles- in reply to vic77]

sounds like a plan - get nice & cosy & snuggle up to poochy.

think my scratch will be in about a month. trying to keep calm & not re-live the last 2 failed rounds. so difficult to get balance of positive ‘v’ realistic 🍀✨

[vic77 in reply to -noodles-]

Oh I know that feeling..hang in there..am right here with you xxx

[Cinderella5]

Loads of luck for today Vic! Thinking of you. Hope you get some much needed answers to those questions. Would be interested to hear what their thoughts are! Big hugs for the shit week too xxx

[vic77 in reply to Cinderella5]

thanks hun..you off next week yeah?scratch all done..hate that thing and catheter test given transfer difficulties last time..she sees no issues or reason why last transfer so difficult just unlucky I guess..catheter passed through fine today so got my ovulation sticks and all set for another natural fet next month. no further forward on single or double transfer. tbh she said embryologists are scientists and less involved in emotional side of things so they always opt for single transfer. she is happy either way..she said if there had been complications this morning she would have veered towards a single transfer but as no issues a double be fine too..I know we should be grateful we actually have this decision at all..we got counselling next week so that may help. she did say hfea used to just count every transfer in their data so clinics could do more double transfers and it didn't affect stats but now they are doing data per embryo rather than let transfer if that makes sense. so it used to be from a clinic point of view a double was better for their data so would count as one bfn rather than two if unsuccessful but I genuinely felt from her she wanted what was best for us..still leaves us undecided tho xxx

[Cinderella5 in reply to vic77]

I am away next week, hysteroscopy on 25th so not too long to wait now. Im just back to work after the lovely Norovirus that my lovely husband passed onto me....so glad that Ive got it out of the way this week and Im feeling better! Phew...

Im glad to hear that your scratch and mock transfer went well. I know it doesnt help with the bad luck of last time but at least you know that it can go better and can hopefully take any nerves surrounding that bit away....were you nervous last time? Im wondering if maybe I was and that's what caused mine but Ive had a painful transfer twice now, first one with the NHS (one in between was fine) and the last one too....hmmmm puzzling!

So you still arent any clearer to the one to two dilema. Doesnt sound like they are pushing you either way and havent said much that one is more successful than the other so I guess you just need to go with your gut feeling, whatever that may be on the day. Feel free to message me to bounce any ideas off me if you think it would help?! Hope the counselling goes ok next week! Its reassuring to see the replies from everyone else to you....we're not the only ones that feel flipping hopeless in this game and how much its changed us but hopefully we'll get there!! Rest up and take it easy hun!xxx

[vic77]

Thanks Hun...my transfer last time just feels unlucky as previous 3 were fine..I said in way in that day that this was the easy bit...famous last words😂Thanks I may well message you and vice versa of course..be thinking of you on 25th xx

[Cinderella5 in reply to vic77]

Thank you! At least I get to have a few days away with some nice relaxation time afterwards....the bonus of going abroad!😊 xx

[vic77 in reply to Cinderella5]

Yeah and no snow in Athens I hope xx

[Cinderella5 in reply to vic77]

No snow and a good bit warmer so all good! Ha ha ha xx