Fertility Network UK
13,882 members22,825 posts

Struggling with diagnosis

I've just joined this forum in a desperate attempt to change my current negative outlook. I am 36 years old (37 soon) and hubby is 41. We've been trying to conceive for over 3 years (we didn't meet until our 30's) and finally got tested last year as I was hoping for peace of mind - as everyone kept saying you just have to relax - yeah right! Turns out hubby has low sperm count, motility etc and I appear to have 1 blocked tube and PCO. I say appear as that's what the scanner said but our follow up appointment has been resceduled twice so far and isn't until March - the scan was in September! I'm so frustrated with the hospital delay as I feel in limbo, however had we not gone to the NHS we wouldn't have known this. Our first tests were private as it was quicker but they didn't look at my tubes so we wouldn't have known. We've been told we need ICSI at a cost of nearly 10k as our NHS has cut all funding so this is an added stress as we don't have this. I also need to lose weight which I'm struggling to motivate myself to do as it all feels so hopeless. I'm currently signed off work with stress and get teary when I see babies in public or baby clothes in shops. And to top it off some family members have not been understanding and think we're exaggerating things and so now I avoid them. Has anyone had similar experiences and does anyone have any advice on how to manage these feelings? All I keep worrying about is will I ever be a mum??

Maddy

9 Replies
oldestnewest

Hi Maddy,

It sounds like you're having a really tough time at the moment. Trust me you'll get a lot of support from the amazing people on this forum. There's a lot of people here who can totally relate to the emotional turmoil you're dealing with now. And there's plenty of success stories too which may give you some hope. Most importantly it's a great place for putting your feelings out there and being listened to.

It's a real shame your family hasn't been as supportive as you would have hoped. I think a lot of us find that people who have no experience of infertility, miscarriage, IVF and so on really don't understand the full impact of it and often dismiss it. It sounds like the best thing to do is look after yourself and try and keep yourself sane until those test results in March. Are you getting any extra support with your stress and anxiety?

I know it's hard to the point it's unbearable at times, but speaking with people on this forum really can work wonders.

Hang on in there and just know that you're absolutely not alone in this.

xxx

Reply

Thanks for your reply. To be fair my family on the whole have been great, it's just certain people. And yes I have just started counselling but the focus is on my self esteem at the moment. I just read your first post and it brought a tear to my eye. I can identify with so much of what you've written. I wish you all the best xx

Reply

Hi lovely, i'm so sorry to hear you've been feeling so down. I completely understand. You will find lot of support here, this forum has really helped me. I am 34, will be 35 this year. Hubby turns 40 this year. TTC without success. I finally plucked up courage to get tested... Bloods showed low progesterone, suboptimal ovulation and hsg test showed no spillage on right side. Initially had to wait for what felt like forever for a followup to discuss the next step in treatment. This caused me quite a lot of anxiety and i contacted our clinic to explain how difficult i was finding things and asked for a cancellation. A few days later I received a phone call inviting us in for an appointment the very next day. It's definitely worth asking. I have also had a counselling session this week which helped. Does your clinic offer this or could you speak to your GP? I can really relate to those feelings you are describing. I constantly ask myself if i will ever be a mum and find it very hard hearing pregnancy announcements. The counsellor i saw explained that it's a grieving process as it can be a real shock hearing the diagnosis. I'll be honest, i'm very up and down right now but trying hard to take one day at a time and engage myself in as many distractions as possible. I have distanced myself on occasions where I felt unable to attend which the counsellor i saw said is fine as it's ok to 'protect' ourselves when we need to. Just wanted to say i'm here if you need a chat, sending you love and BIG hugs xxx

Reply

Aww Maddy, I’m sorry you are having such an awful time.

The whole fertility journey just seems to be filled with extreme lows and sometimes it’s so tough to even get up and face the world 😞. Is there anyone you can talk to, do your clinic offer counselling or your workplace?

I don’t have any words of wisdom other than to say I try to focus on other things while I wait for appointments. Could you set yourself a goal and work towards it for a few weeks to see if it distracts you. Like to go for a walk twice a week or to meet a friend for a coffee/drink to focus on something besides the appointment. Nothing life changing, just something small you think you can handle.

Sending hugs x

Reply

You could consider doing ICSI abroad where it will be considerably cheaper.

Reply

Your feelings are totally normal. It is reasonable to have a negative outlook- things are in a negative place for you. It’s frustrating when people don’t understand and tell you to “relax”. The fertility uk website has a leaflet for friends and family which you may wish to share with the unsupportive family members if appropriate. But unfortunately it is almost impossible for anyone to understand this journey if they haven’t been on it. For example, today friends who know we have struggled since we got married more than three years ago, WhatsApp-ed us the scan photo of their baby conceived since their wedding this August. Such an insensitive move from some lovely people. People don’t mean to be unsupportive, they just have no idea. ☹️

Reply

Hi Maddy, I agree with the other ladies who have replied. This journey just takes over your life doesn't it? Having a child just becomes the centre of your universe. I went through IVF for the first time last year. Ending in a chemical pregnancy in November, it was a mix of emotions. Elated that I conceived as it was my first positive pregnancy test ever! Then great devastation for the baby not to stick. I am 40 so have beaten myself up endlessly for leaving it 'too late'. Which isn't true nowadays. My partner and I have fought with each other and cried so many times, we have now come out the other side and are taking time for each other for the next few months. It's natural to distance yourself from others with babies, but mostly people just don't think before they speak, and really don't mean to hurt you. Take time for you and your husband, it is so important. I can't stress that enough! Remember you are still young as well! Distract yourself with others things then hopefully as time goes on you will start to feel better and gradually more positive.

Xx

Reply

I’ve had similar experience Maddy... including clinic delays. The waiting, anxiety, tears about other babies, always wondering if I’ll ever be a mother ... it’s all insanely hard. It’s a battle, but try and keep strong. I tell myself it works for so many people and I HAVE to HOPE that we also win the jackpot. Sending you big hugs xxx ♥️

Reply

Thank you to all that responded. After a difficult couple.of weeks am trying really hard to stay positive xx

Reply

You may also like...