IVF & family bereavement

[Missb17]

Hi, been a lurker here for a few weeks but hadnt quite plucked up the courage to post.

We have been ttc about 3yrs, only recently found out I have endometrioma cysts which may be causing infertility.

I had the 3 month prostap injection in November and I have my baseline scan on Tuesday 09th Jan, if all goes to plan I will start stimming the same day.

Now.. the part which is causing me huge stress.. my parents have no idea about our struggles to concieve. I know my mum would worry herself stupid and I didn't want the extra stress of this whilst we were having treatment.

Unfortunately my nan passed away yesterday, and I have just found out the funeral will be held the 25th January.

If all goes to plan with our cycle this could also be the same day that we have embryo transfer 😣

My partner thinks I need to tell my parents? But now my mum is grieving for my nan I really don't think it's the best time to tell them? I was hoping to tell them after the tee, if fingers crossed we have a bfp..

I am hoping if I explain to the hospital the situation, they could maybe arrange embryo transfer for early morning which would mean I could still travel to the funeral in time?

[E_05]

Hey, so sorry to hear about your Nan and all your going through. I can see why you feel torn but if you think your Mum will be able to offer you support it might be worth speaking to her.

Regarding the 25th dates can be so changeable depending on how you react to stimming, how many eggs you get and how they fertilise etc so it may not work our to be that date however fingers crossed it does all go to planned ET is relatively quick so I think seeing if they can arrange it for the morning is a good idea.

I hope you decide to do what’s right for you and good luck for your cycle xx

[emu2016]

Oh goodness; what turmoil!

My advice would be to tell your mum. If only because right now you don’t need the stress. We tried to hide our IVF last time from my parents.... then they wanted to come stay... and then we wouldn’t have been there... so we said we’d be on holiday and my mum couldn’t understand a holiday because we were saving for ivf. In the end... it was just easier. Because you’ll find that you’ll probably get the support from her and you’ll have one thing less to worry about.

As E_05 said - it might not even be the same date. Dates are so interchangeable. Though it’d be Sod’s law it was and then that’s really your biggest worry of what to do - speak to your hospital; they’ll be able to help and advise but that should be your biggest worry... not your mum.

All this comes with the clause that you know deep down your mum will be ok; maybe she’ll be happy to support you and take her mind off things a bit. If you really really know it won’t go well then that’s a pressure you won’t need.

Good luck honey xx

[katya38]

Really sorry to hear about your nan. I personally would think about telling your parents youd be surprised at how supportive im sure they will be. My mum isn't the easiest to talk to but she was actually really good. Also its quite stressful keeping these things a secret. Good luck xx

[Missb17]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words.

I am leaning towards getting the first week of scans and injections over with and then maybe telling my parents, which would have then also give my mum some time to grieve for nan.

I will speak to the hospital when I go in on Tuesday and see what they say.

I had just hoped when the time came we would be able to surprise our parents with a pregnancy announcement. I feel a bit like it's the last piece of control we have out of the entire process xx

[emu2016 in reply to Missb17]

I totally understand the control thing! I say that a lot! Followed by.... “it’s not like I’d tell my mum if I was having sex!” x

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

Oh what a nightmare for you!

Embryo transfer is pretty straightforward and doesn’t take long for most women, but the date of it is unpredictable. Talk to your clinic about what they recommend in these circumstances. They may suggest a transfer at 3 days instead of five or they may start your stims a little later. People stim for different amounts of time though so there are no guarantees as to date.

Might help to think about what you might achieve by telling your Mum, could she change the time of the funeral? Or are you thinking she would then understand if you had to miss the funeral? If she changes the dare of the funeral and then your transfer date changes, this might not solve your problem.

I’m sorry you’ve already had such a difficult start to 2018.

[Daxi16]

Is there no way they would let you transfer a few days after or does it not work like that? Just thinking the stress and upset at the funeral might not be great for you after your transfer. I hope you find the right decision for you. Sorry about your nan xxx

[Lynnr54]

I’m sorry to hear your news. And I understand why you don’t want to tell your parents, particularly if your Mum is a big stresser. I agree with the other ladies that the timing of transfers can differ wildly depending on how you react to treatment etc but I think your transfer will be close to that date. I just looked. back at my old dates and I started stims on 6th and had transfer on 23rd. I think your idea to start treatment and see how it goes is a good idea. Once you have an idea of EC then you will have a better idea of when ET is likely to be. Although, as Daxi16 says, once you’ve had ET you don’t want to be subjecting yourself to huge amounts of stress after ET, particularly the first couple of days. Another option if you’re prepared to wait could be to ask your clinic if they will freeze the eggs and then do ET next month when you’re under less stress and you can focus more on relaxing and looking after you?

[081010cohen]

Hi sorry for ur struggles and it loss!!! I was in the Manchester clinic and I know the clinics r amazing they will do a 3 4 or 5 day transfer wat ever suits I went for a 3 day in the end and 2 weeks ago got a bfp so they is hope for all the days!!! Normally the ec and et is early in the morning but I didn't try for same day hun and if u r having the stim injections believe me it doesn't always go to protocol I 've done this twice and gone 1 then 2 weeks over the plan coz it took a bit longer!! Def inform ur clinic and go from there good luck hunni xxx

[SnottyCow]

Hiya

It’s a really nice idea wanting to just be like any ordinary person and be able to just tell your Mum you’re pregnant. I was exactly the same....... it’s one of the things we miss out on when infertility comes into play. However, sometimes it’s just not practical and life gets in the way like in your case. Also if your cycle didn’t work, fingers crossed it does, you’ll need the support and having women to talk to I found was really helpful.

On the other hand if you really felt that telling your Mum at the moment is a bad idea, speak to the clinic first, they can keep you on down regs for an extra day or depending on how your respond to drugs there might be some flexibility with egg collection.

Good luck x

[Missb17]

Thank you everyone..

I'm such an organised person usually so I'm finding the not being able to plan the entire cycle from start to finish really difficult.

Hopefully on Tuesday the clinic will be able to advise me how best to proceed.

Xx

[Sunset81]

Sorry for your loss hun but I totally think you should tell your mum my mum was a huge support through all my struggles and ivf would of been lost without her xx

[Bexta6060]

Omg I am in almost the exact same situation as you. So sorry for you loss.

My mother in law just passed away and the funeral is in the same week my FET is going to be. It *should* be a couple of days before but stress can delay ovulation so I am hoping they can accommodate me if it does fall on the same day. Trying my best to stay stress free.

I wouldn't tell your Mum unless it does fall on the same day, in which case you definitely should. You don't want her thinking youre leaving early or turning up late because you don't want to be there or something.

Good luck to you x

[Missb17 in reply to Bexta6060]

Sorry to hear that you are going through a similar thing. 😔

The funeral is around 3pm so I'm hoping if transfer does end up being on the same day I can request an early appointment at the hospital and make it back to the funeral in time.

We are over an hour drive away from the hospital too unfortunately.

Good luck to you too x