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Having a moment of self-doubt; donor IVF

Having a moment of self-doubt; donor IVF

Hey you amazing bunch. Needing some moral support and thought I’d come to the only people who truly know what this is like and who can help make it better. 😘 Don’t know whether it’s the arrival of a new year, the fact I feel crap after my laparoscopy, my hormones being all out of kilter; or all the above - but I’ve been very tearful yesterday and today at the thought of our upcoming donor egg cycle. We are going out to Greece on 7th Jan to have blood tests, scans, devise treatment plan and provide semen for the cycle. Until now I’ve been very positive about it all. Now I can’t help feel sad that it’s come down to using another woman’s eggs to do what should be the most natural thing in the whole world; after all that’s happened the last 6 years. We’ve come close a couple times. But not to be. I don’t doubt this is the right move for us. I want one more decent shot at carrying a child, our child, even if it’s not biologically mine. But I still feel sad. This is without doubt the scariest thing I (we) have ever embarked on. I have found strength from the depths of despair many a time. I just hope I have a little strength left in me, cos i have a feeling I’m going to need it.

Sorry for being a bit of a Negative Nelly. Much love to you all xx

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I found the time waiting for DE treatment to start the hardest as it gives you too much thinking time. Once you get going it feels exciting and treatment takes over and I didn’t think about it then. I am now 34 weeks and haven’t looked back as the scaryness and excitement takes over xx

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I think that’s part of the problem Button, we made the decision 3 months ago. But won’t actually have the treatment till May probably!! I can’t wait to feel how you felt. And even more so once we have our little bundle on board. 🤞🏼

I can’t believe you’re at 34 weeks... what a start to 2018 you will have. I’m so excited for you 😘😬😃 xx

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Those feelings will come and although I was sad it came to DE it’s only genes, once you get your bfp and go through the milestones of pregnancy you won’t care about any of those worries (big hugs)

My whole pregnancy has flown and I cherish every little milestone after 5 cycles I had times when I never believed we would be in this position, just wish I had a magic solution for everyone else xxxx

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Don’t underestimate the effect of post-op on your emotions. I got quite down after my lap and I wasn’t dealing with all that!

Xx

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Thanks Lizzie I expect you’re right. Hope you’re doing well and feeling good as you can xx

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You do have strength. Please don’t be sad. When you’re holding YOUR baby in your arms it will all make it worth while xx

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😘😍

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Hey there beautiful lady! 😘😘

I can relate to how you feel but I want to reassure you these feelings can be completely normal. I agree with Button, the waiting and uncertainty for treatment to start is nothing short of vile. The lack of control for me is what causes my anxiety to peak, like you I know that this is the right decision but it has not been the easiest. I think I will always grieve for what could have been, do you think you share that feeling too?

But I want to assure you, the strength that you have won’t let you down and when 7th January is here you may feel very different. Once we had picked our donor and treatment plan was in place our feelings turned almost into excitement! (Then anxiety kicks in again thinking I’m being to optimistic!!)

I personally feel better knowing that this is the right decision and when things start to move forward for you you may feel the same. (In some ways the pressure is off not to provide x amount of eggs I don’t feel anywhere near as stressed!!!) hurrah!! 😂😂

In the meantime try to distract yourself with lovely things, enjoy your partner, drink, eat what you want!! If you need to chat please PM me, always here!! Happy New Year xxx

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Thank you Dolly that’s a lovely note. Everything you’ve said rings true. I know I’ll be just fine with you ladies spurring me along. Much love and positivity!! And a Happy New Year to you 🎇🥂😘 xxx

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It’s natural to have a wobble. If you think back to all your other hurdles, you probably had them then too.

It’s something new, unknown territory...

Yes, we all want to keep that glimmer of hope that one day our own eggs will perform a miracle, but until that day, this is just another route and avenue to explore, to help have that baby sooner.

You will be fine.....you are a tough cookie x

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Yes just another route... you’re right.

If I struggled with the lack of control in my previous 3 cycles god-help me with this one 😂🤞🏼🙈

Thanks lovely x

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Hi wee Mrs H, I am also a wee Mrs H!

I am so sorry you are having a rotten time. It sounds like we are in the same boat. We have been ttc for six years also and are just started a donor egg cycle. We have had 4 failed cycles using my own eggs so like you we felt that this was our last and best shot of having a child.

I’m feeling awful today as well and like you say I don’t know whether it’s a build up of emotion about the treatment, or the time of year or the fact my hormones are completely messed up from the down reg injection. Feeling really weepy and crampy and would love to get in to bed and sleep through the New Year. Have to go for a meal with my in laws tonight and paste on a smile and play happy familys. I am dreading it. Though it might do me good to get out of the house for a bit.

This is definitely the scariest thing we have embarked upon too. I swing between wild excitement at the prospect of finally having a baby and moments of sheer panic when I think, am i actually really doing this?

You are definitely not being a Negative Nelly! This is tough and we are only human. We are entitled to have up and down days.

Sending you lots and lots of love and genuine best wishes for 7th Jan and the coming year. Here’s hoping 2018 will be our year xoxo

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Hello fellow Mrs H!! Lovely to “meet” you.

I can emphasis with your need to hibernate from the world just now. But just think as the year turns what magical possibilities await you 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🎇.

I’m sure you’ll have a lovely time out tonight but if you need to cut it slightly short I’m sure hubby will support you; maybe have a code word if need a get-out?

Is your donor cycle in the UK or abroad? What stage overall are you at; do you have more down reg to go or is stimming starting soon?

Sending you much love and best wishes for 2018, and more importantly this cycle 😘🤞🏼❤️

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Hi Mrs H, thank you for your lovely positive message. Dinner last night was nice, just as you predicted and we were home in plenty of time to see in the New Year with our wee dog 😊

We are having our treatment in the UK with donor eggs from abroad. I had down reg injection last Thursday so currently waiting for bleed before I attend clinic for scan and start progynova etc to build lining. No stims this time for me. As sad as it is not to be using my own eggs, I won’t miss the daily menopur and luveris injections. Hoping for embryo transfer at the end of January.

Hope today is a better day for you. I’m taking them one at a time. Let us know how you’re getting on. Take care xoxo

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All the best for the rest of this month Dunla! Hope it’s all positive - catchup soon xx

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Hi Dunla! I replied to MrsH in full below but just wanted to reach out to you too as we are also having treatment in the uk with donor eggs from a clinic abroad. I really like our clinic here so wanted to stay with them and this is their most utilised option for donor eggs. It’s nice to hear of someone else doing a similar thing!! Lots of luck to you! We start our cycle in February hopefully :-) xx

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Hi Claire, thank you so much for your lovely message. It is so nice to hear from someone who is doing the same sort of thing we are. Like you I wanted to stay with our own clinic. I wanted to keep stress to a minimum. Our other option would have involved flying back and forward to Manchester a few times for treatment and I didn’t fancy that. It has been a difficult journey to get to this point and anything that makes it that little bit easier has got to help. We’re hoping to have embryo transfer at the end of this month if all goes to plan. Have you had your donor match yet? How are you finding the whole process? Xx

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Hi Dunla! We’ve not had our match yet, just blood tests and filled out our characteristics form.. our clinic has a frozen egg bank which we’ll be using so we’ll be choosing from maybe a couple of suitable donors hopefully this month.. I’m excited to get going but also fearful of the possible things that can go wrong and even worry about if it goes right and the child being ok and happy, as I want us to love each other just each much as if it was my egg... I’m sure if it works it will be ok as I’ve read lots of positive things and donor success stories and I’ll have so much love to give but I know having any child can be tiring and hard work in itself so all these things are going through my mind - I’m such a worrier, think I must like to torment myself!! There’s nothing easy or straightforward about any of this is there, but we’re all strong ladies to have got this far and it’s priceless to have this space to talk about it all with people who actually understand. So much luck for your ET, sending loads of good thoughts your way :-) xx

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Best of luck choosing your donor and getting all in place for your cycle. I completely identify with all your anxieties. I have had many a weepy moment or sleepless night thinking those things over too. I must like to torment myself too! I think I need to try and adopt an “I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it” mindset xx

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That’s a good mindset! No one can prepare for all things or know what’s around the corner, we have to just focus on one thing at a time, do what we can and stay as happy as possible :-) xx

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Wishing you lots of strength and luck with your appointment on 7th xxx ps Keep reading the quote you posted and focus on what could go right - I just took a screenshot of it to remind me to do this too as we embark on transfer number 3 in Jan xx

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😘 wishing you lots of love and luck for your 3rd transfer ❤️ 🤞🏼 xx

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Thank you WeeMrsH and a very Happy New Years to you xx

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I screen-shotted it too!! A great quote to keep in mind :-) xx

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Hiya, after 4 rounds of ivf with my own eggs and Donor sperm in UK I was told DE the way forward for me... Yes I was sad but I got set up with a clinic in Athens and flew out for transfer last February... It worked and my Baby boy arrived 30th October... After carrying him and watching him grow I don't even think he DE... He does things that run in our family and forget I needed help..

Wanted to reassure you it's so worth it, fertility hard, but throw in Christmas and new year in the equation and a very emotional and reflective time. I dreaded every year, especially new year.. But this is the first year I am very happy and content.

Wishing you all the best, will pop backin to see how you are doing... Hope you have a happy new year xxx

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Thank you Jaky76 for your lovely reply. Many congratulations on your new baby boy!! 😍

Your reply was spot on. Thank you for the encouragement and positivity. Happy new year to you and your wee family xxx

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And it's so much easier on your body.... Where in Greece are you going? I was happy at my clinic and having treatment abroad, more than in UK... Hope you have a great experience. Xxx

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It’s Thessaloniki in Greece. So far we are very impressed; have had a Skype consultation, nothing is too much trouble with my multitude of emails, very responsive and patient - hope this continues during treatment itself but we are positive so far about them. Thanks Jaky I will keep you posted! xx

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I am right there with you MrsH!! We’ve had five cycles with my eggs and now I’m 41 with a really low Amh level we’ve decided to try donor eggs. I’m also kind of gutted that my eggs aren’t up to scratch and I think we shouldn’t underestimate the difficulty of accepting this. I’m excited there’s much more chance with donor eggs (but then I always try to keep a lid on it when that excitement rises!!) but at other times I absolutely feel angry, frustrated and sad that my eggs haven’t worked, especially as I have a friend who’s 43 and never wanted kids but recently changed her mind and got preg no problem and is now six months. It feels like the most unfair thing in the world when we’ve tried for years and she’s had the luxury of only deciding she wants them at 42!!!! She’s also fairly insensitive, has said some clumsy things and doesn’t really “get” why it’s a little hard for me to meet up with her at the mo so I’m definitely keeping my distance for now to focus on our journey and trying to stay positive. It’s weirdly taken the shine off our donor cycle as it almost feels like a consolation prize now she’s swept in and won first prize so easily... It is all such an emotional thing, allow yourself teary days and never let anyone make you feel bad for your feelings, we’ve been through such a struggle and so much failure and loss, our emotions are entirely natural. As you say, you’ve found strength from the depths of despair before - I know that feeling - and that strength is still there within you, always. Even though it feels slightly different with donor eggs it is still our baby and no one else’s, and we have a big effect on the embryo’s development while it’s in our womb, determining which chromosomes come to the fore and which don’t (epigenetics). That little egg might never even have ended up being used for a baby if it wasn’t for us. I know many people, me included, have struggled with sadness over their donor process so it’s totally normal and I also get scared about how it might be if it works out! If we didn’t care or worry we wouldn't be human and it’s such a big thing it just shows we’re treating it with the importance and weight it deserves.

Wishing you all the luck in the world, I hope we get our miracles this year and am always happy to chat about donor treatment - hoping to starts ours in February! Xxx

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Thank you for that amazing response Claire 😘 Very excited for you that treatment is starting soon!! What a difficult position with your friend, big hugs - it’s such a conflict isn’t it when we find ourselves in these situations. You hit the nail on he head in so many ways with your response - like everyone who’s given me support - which is why I find this forum so amazing and have done since joining 2014. Our friends who know about the donor treatment are completely supportive and a little bit in awe of admiration for us, but with the best will in the world they would have no comprehension of the complex range of emotions this brings with it.

We have chosen a clinic abroad for various reasons- whatever way we do would have pros and cons so we went with our gut in the end.

I wish you lots of love and luck for next month. Have you been matched with a donor now then and started your down-reg or do the meds not kick off till next month? xxx

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Hi MrsH - you’re right there’s pros and cons with any donor decisions and with so many of the ivf decisions we have to make in general! Can only go with what feels right for us at the time :-) We’ve just had blood tests and filled out our characteristic form so next step is choosing a donor from the ones the clinic has available - I’m indecisive anyway so I’m not looking forward to this bit as it seems so momentous! The donor of the egg of our possible future child... but it’s a positive step and all about possibilities, and we have to just take one step at a time with ivf don’t we so hopefully it’ll be ok. Don’t think I’ll start down reg etc until mid-end Feb realistically as I’m away the first week of Feb so it has to be after that. Lots and lots of luck to you, your clinic sounds fabulous and really responsive, I’ll look forward to reading any updates, and message me whenever you like :-) xx

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Oh jeez I hadn’t thought of the decision-making process to choose the donor! In my head I was expecting the clinic would own most of that process in terms of selecting appropriate candidates but of course we need to make the final decision for ourselves - eep lol. Indeed if I’ve learned anything about myself and adapted to survive in this whole IVF story is I can’t control everything and trying to just adds stress and anxiety to an already stressful and anxious process, so yes definitely one step at a time. 😘

Wishing you luck and likewise keep in touch/message whenever you need to xxx

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You’re so right, the lack of control is so hard, hopefully the clinic will do most of the decision-making and I’m hoping that if we have a couple of donors to make a final choice between, one will instinctively feel more right than the other... one step at a time indeed, that’s all we can do! Xxx

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Hello lovely, I totally understand everything you’ve just said! We got our pen sketch and consent forms today, and I was worried we’d be searching for a donor for months, it just is such a big step isn’t it?! They have no idea why my eggs aren’t doing their job, on paper I look like a safe bet, but sadly no, and I think that’s tough, but like Button said once it’s (fingers and toes crossed) worked I’m sure all will be better, so sorry you’re feeling crap but you’re definitely not alone! Xx

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Hey! Are you having treatment in the UK or abroad? How long did you wait to be matched? I can imagine how exciting signing the consent forms will be, but also daunting. They’ve said 2-3 months to match us which I assume starts after our tests and consultation next week. We have said we want the transfer to be in May, for a few reasons we are going to Thailand in Feb and want a few weeks of normality after that, work issues and also just having had Endometriosis excised we are holding a little hope and would like a few months following that to try again naturally, unrealistic as it might be.

Lots of love and luck to you and thanks for responding xx

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Oh Thailand is just beautiful, and I totally understand the need for “normality’! We have stayed in London as I really like my clinic. We were told in December that it would be best to go down the donor route, had the counselling on the 19th of December and we found the donor on the 23rd!! It was completely mad, and we were both shocked, but it seemed that she ticked all the boxes! So I’ve got my appointment with my consultant next week, and should be good to go at the end of Jan!😬 good luck to you lovely, and you never know, miracles can and do happen! Xxxxxx

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Wow that was very quick!! Clearly meant to be :)

Very best of luck, do let us know how things are going xxx

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Hello there

I just wanted to respond to say that I can relate to your feelings about de - you put it really well. There are feelings of sadness. Especially, when you have been through miscarriages (I had two before de). I wasn't sure if I could go through with the de and that includes on the day of the transfer! The nurses were talking excitedly about what amazing quality the egg was and I just wanted to cry, 'it's not mine and it's not fair that someone else needs to be involved'. After the transfer, I felt differently - it was 100% my body.

I'm six months pregnant and when I feel my baby kick, I just feel really happy and excited about the future. The jealousy I felt about the donor has been replaced with feeling ever so thankful - she didn't have to do this for me. Again, everything you feel is normal. Accepting de was the hardest decision I've ever made. Best wishes for the 7th xx

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Thank you so much for this reply Hampshirelegal. That’s just what I needed to hear - I am worried I won’t “want” the embryo or accept the baby (if lucky enough to fall pregnant). Only slightly mind you, maybe 20% but it’s there nonetheless and enough to give me doubts. You’ve put me at ease that a. I’m not the only one to feel like that, and b. It probably won’t last.

So happy for you and your precious cargo. Lots of love to you. Enjoy! xx

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Hey hun, I still find it hard....I think all of us would love our own genetically attached baby....Im pretty resigned that it won't happen....although doesn't stop me trying for a miracle. I can only think that this is normal! I just keep thinking I have a much better chance with DE & can't take many more knock with minimal hope....i know my eggs are rubbish....again still makes me sad! I read Button-123 response and I think the time thing does make us overthink....she helped me a lot with my decision after following her journey! Enhoy your holiday! I'm sure your wobble or normal....is for me anyway!!xx

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You are completely right Cinderella5!! Thank you, as always, for the support and reassurance 😍Where are you with your next round?

Actually getting excited now for flight out to Greece on Sunday (just there 2 nights) to get cracking (excuse the pun lol). Just need to feel better with this prolonged bleeding I’m having after my recent laparoscopy. xx

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You're more than welcome! It is so hard, so hard but once you get those little embryos.....! Words can't describe & that's even before a bfp!

I'm out to Athens for investigations on 24th then will formulate a plan after that!

Hope you feel better soon sweetie!xxx

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❤️❤️

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Oi! Negative Nelly! Pull yourself together. Two days to go honey... then you’ll have ticked of a further stage and a ridiculous amount of flights. Big hugs xx

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