Devastated after failed cycle - Fertility Network UK

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Devastated after failed cycle

hifer
hifer

I don’t wish to be the voice of doom and gloom but I’m just devastated after the confirmed failed cycle. I know this isn’t new news but I actually feel heartbroken. I didn’t realise I would feel this devastated. Perhaps because it’s my first cycle. I thought I’d feel sad but I’m

struggling to get through the day. We only have one embryo left on ice and then we will have to come up with a plan B. It’s too early to be defeatist but I think I’m in shock that it didn’t work. How naive can you be!!

There aren’t any solutions to this but I don’t know if it’s at least helpful to say that if anyone else is feeling like this at the mo, then I’m with you. It feels a bit like I’ve had a miscarriage (emotionally) which wasn’t what I was expecting (I have had one).

My friends have been amazing with the news but there’s nothing like sharing your feelings with people who have actually been through it.

Sending love to all those going through this

Xx

70 Replies
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Hidden
Hidden

Oh hifer so sorry, wish I can physically hug you tight.. Sending you virtual hugs. Please take care, better days will surely come. Xx

hifer
hifer in reply to Hidden

Ah thank you xx

Im sorry youre feeling so low right now. My first cycle didnt work either, didnt even get any eggs. I felt better after our follow up appointment and our consultant was really positive which i wasnt expecting. They learned a lot from the first round for a better second round. Although it tough, you will feel better in a few days. Try and think of the first round as a learning what needs to be done round, so it can be tweeked for round two xx

hifer
hifer in reply to Purplewitch18

I think that’s what I’m worried about as I don’t know what we can learn from this. I’ve already had a cancelled cycle (and learned from that) and a monitoring cycle. This was technically my third although only one embryo used. I can’t take any more drugs I don’t think so the next gamble would be a natural. Like you say though, you need to have the follow up to know for sure so I’ll get that booked in. Fingers crossed for your second cycle 🤞🤞xx

hifer
hifer in reply to hifer

Second cycle for you I meant x

Purplewitch18
Purplewitch18 in reply to hifer

Im all for a natural cycle. I wanted completely natural but my clinic put me on a natural modified so some drugs because i responded well, but if i could afford to have an all natural one too i would. I dont think all these high dose drugs are any good for us, but thats just my personal opinion. It is really hard to know what to do for the best. Id see what your clinic suggests at the follow up and if youre not happy maybe look at another clinic? But you have one frozen so thats a plus already.

I felt really crap after my last cycle but some ladies on here kept me positive and they were right because you do feel ready to give up at first but that feeling doesnt last.

Just remember anyone can have a cancelled cycle, just like my cycle where there was no egg, it can happen to anyone. Its all really hard but if we dont try we will never know if it couldve worked, and even if it doesnt its better than living with regrets and what ifs xx

hifer
hifer in reply to Purplewitch18

Wise words lovely. I’m so with you on the drug front. In my ‘normal’ life I don’t even take paracetamol if I can help it so it’s so ironic that I find myself taking all these IVF drugs! A natural cycle would be my preference but my lining is very thin. My consultant said it was an option though when we last saw him so we’ll see. We’re really happy with our clinic thankfully so that’s at least something. You’re right if we don’t try we will never know and I don’t want regrets either. Thanks for your fab words xx

Purplewitch18
Purplewitch18 in reply to hifer

Glad i could make you feel a bit better 🙂. Me too, i take a ton of suppliments but hate taking pharmaceuticals! Im chemical amd toxin free at home too, i try not to use anything harmful so injecting with ivf drugs scared the hell out if me! My clinic said they would ho by each scan and blood test and if my body was doing its thing well the wouldnt give me drugs. I only had 150 mg of menopur for a few days last time, cetrotide and the trigger shot, 6 injections in total. It will be a few more this cycle but i can cope with that, so similar to short protocol. Id never cope with a conventional cycle and all those drugs. It obviously works for some but it felt so wrong to me personally to mess about with my hormones so much. My hormones are ticking along quite nicely so i didnt want to upset that. My issues are low reserve and sluggish tubes, so just needed them to get the egg out, fertilise it and pop it back in, if only it were that simple 😂xx

hifer
hifer in reply to Purplewitch18

Ahhh thanks so much for the feedback. That's really interesting to know so you had a natural egg collection cycle? That's amazing. I haven't heard that much about those. I was actually talking about a natural transfer for me (my egg collections were medicated). However one of the reasons putting me off another egg collection was the drugs but perhaps a natural egg collection could be an option too...You've really given me things to think about, thank you xx

Purplewitch18
Purplewitch18 in reply to hifer

Yes i only had what i mentioned above. I had low sedation which obviously didht work for me but it does for some women. so next time i will need full so they can get the eggs out, then if all goes well they will do the transfer on day 2. It literally takes about 2 weeks for the whole cycle! Glad its given you some more options to think about and discuss with your clinic, fingers crossed for you xx

hifer
hifer in reply to Purplewitch18

Thank you so much xx

Purplewitch18
Purplewitch18 in reply to hifer

And thankyou xx

Im really sorry... I know the feeling very well unfortunately. I failed x3 times and took it hard each time. I really wish you will feel better soon. Having the next steps in place always helped me. Im gearing up for round 4 in one month. Big hugs dear ❤️❤️❤️❤️

hifer
hifer in reply to Lorita1984

Yes you’re right, I like a plan too so need to get that in place. Good luck for round 4 lovely xx

Hidden
Hidden

I really relate to how you’re feeling. I had a day off work when my result came back as negative but I felt bad because I was grieving, but I thought people would think I was silly as there was technically nothing to grieve. However, looking back on it I was right to grieve, I was grieving for so much, a baby a future and so I think you need to allow yourself to grieve guilt free, know that this is tough and let yourself feel it. I never thought I’d stop feeling sad, but although it won’t feel like it today, I guarantee you won’t continue to feel this bad- you won’t know how you’ll change it it will.

hifer
hifer in reply to Hidden

Thank you. Yes I think the grieving process is very real! Like you say, you’re grieving for a lot! Thanks for your kind words xx

I know your feeling completely as our first cycle was a BFN! Look after yourself my darling and be kind to yourself xxx 😘 it will get better and remember you are a warrior ❤️

hifer
hifer in reply to Elle32inz

Thank you lovely. I’m sure I will be in a few days xx

So sorry Hifer. My first transfer failed too and is was upsetting and discouraging, but my second was a success and it was my last transfer. Take the time to process how u feel, but don’t give up. You have another embryo waiting for you which may very well be the start of something beautiful. Good luck...x

hifer
hifer in reply to Tiddly1984

Thank you. Do you mind if I ask the million dollar question of what you changed (if anything) between cycles? I’m clinging on to the belief that I can be the master of this even though I know I can’t!! Many many congrats too on your successful cycle. So great to hear positives Xx

I don’t mind at all and thank you😊

I don’t know how helpful this is but my biggest change was having a natural frozen transfer which didn’t require any medication and also having a couple months respite, which allowed my cycle to regulate itself. Once regulated I tested for ovulation which was detected and had the transfer 5 days later. I have very regular and predictable cycles so I think my body was very affected when manipulated outside of its natural cycle during the IVF process. I also experienced a painful recovery after egg collection and don’t believe that my body was in the best condition to proceed with a transfer at the time. Ultimately I consider that it was giving my body a rest and having minimal intervention prior to the transfer which made my body more receptive but recognise that isn’t possible for everyone. I really hope that your second cycle is a success too. x

hifer
hifer in reply to Tiddly1984

Very helpful as a natural cycle is my preference too! The problem is that my lining is thin. What was yours at transfer do you know? I had an awful last egg collection too so would only go for FET transfers and actually my clinic prefers it for the exact reason you have described. I’m basically not good with drugs and my body doesn’t react well to them (excellent for IVF as you can imagine!) Thanks so much for your input, really insightful xx

Tiddly1984
Tiddly1984 in reply to hifer

Hey, not sure what my lining was at the time but it’s never been mentioned as an issuing so I’m assuming it’s always been fine. Hopefully your lining will be fine too or your may have a partially medicated transfer just to help with your lining. I also didn’t produce many eggs which was another indication that my body wasn’t very receptive to the medication so like you not good for IVF, but I also know that I have slightly low ovarian reserve. Anyway, glad I could help and fingers crossed it’s second time lucky for you 😊x

Big hugs to you sweetie XXX It is such an awful shock when you get that first IVF BFN because you've been through so much to get this point and it feels like it's all been for nothing. I felt absolutely devastated when my first transfer failed (like you say it's just like grieving), but I can say that I did start to feel a lot better quite quickly. Once you get your head around it you can start to look forward to what's next. I had a frosty from my first cycle and 5 weeks after my first BFN I was pregnant! (I'm 14 weeks now). So you see it wasn't all for nothing because I needed that first cycle to get my frosty and this could be you too! So my advice would be; let yourself feel sad for as long as you need to, but know that you still have every chance of success for the future xxx

hifer
hifer in reply to franathy

Thank you :-). Obviously I know that not all first rounds are successful but its that age old thing of thinking that it will definitely happen to you, right?? You are the success story that I'm clinging on to! I hope that happens for me too. Anything different in between cycles? Thanks a lot for your kind and wise words xx

franathy
franathy in reply to hifer

To be honest I was pretty sure it had failed both times but that didn't stop me feeling devastated. I didn't change anything because everything went smoothly for us apart from the negative result, so they said it was just 'bad luck' the first go (which of course doesn't make you feel any better). My consultant told me when that happens it's just a numbers game; it's more likely to fail than succeed the first time unfortunately. Xx

hifer
hifer in reply to franathy

Thank you. I will see what my consultant says in our follow up. I know it's all so down to luck! How is that even possible with this scientific process?? Quite baffling. xx

Awww hifer I'm really sorry to hear this. Of course it's devastating and shocking. We wouldn't go through all this if we didn't think it was going to be a positive result. It is definitely a grief (similar to a miscarriage) and take your time to grieve. Here for you and sending you lots of love. xxx

hifer
hifer in reply to ttcemmie

Thank you, that's much appreciated. It's such a hard thing to get your head around. I think i just need a bit of time, like you say, and then we can move on to next steps xx

Hi Hifer,

I’m so sorry it didn’t work this time. Honestly, it’s bloody shit. I always think I’m ready for the BFN but it always knocks me sideways, far further and harder than I expected. It’s devastating and you have every right to grieve for it.

You will be ok though and you will move on. Focus on that amazing frozen embryo you have! So many walk away from a fresh cycle with nothing left and you have a second chance there, hold onto that ♥️

Sending you a big hug xx

hifer
hifer in reply to KiboXX

Thank you. You're right, I should be focusing on positive next steps. As I do FET cycles and they are PGS tested it feels like so much work goes into them which is why I feel so bitter I think. Technically, they should be perfect, right? Um no, it doesn't work that way sadly. Thanks for the positivity xx

KiboXX
KiboXX in reply to hifer

Maybe this one wasn’t but the other one is 🤞🏻 you’ve overcome some of the biggest hurdles already, growing those eggs, getting them to blasts and then getting normal tested embryos. The pregnancy rates for PGS embryos are much better so the fact this one didn’t work, means you have every chance the next one will. Probability says so right?! That’s the way I’d try and look at it x

hifer
hifer in reply to KiboXX

Gosh I hope the next one works!! Fingers crossed 🤞 🤞. Thank you for your positivity xx

Hi dear, I had experienced miscarriage and failed IVF cycle and I feel exactly what you described.... I was also sure our first cycle would work out and the heartbreak after it failed was very similar to miscarriage...

I do hope you feel better soon. Take enough time and ask help and support when you feel like it... also maybe once you have a review on this cycle you could somehow put it behind you....

We have started a fresh cycle and I do how this one would workout for us.

Look after yourself xx

hifer
hifer in reply to Mara84

Ahh thank you so much for the response. I never wish any pain on anyone but it's comforting to know people have been through the same thing (I hope you don't take offence at that). I have basically felt like I was going mad these last few days so the comfort I get on here is amazing!! I wish you ALL the very best with this cycle and I hope it works out for you too xx

Mara84
Mara84 in reply to hifer

Thank you 😊 Literally the only thing that really help me during our firs IVF cycle was reading others experience and kind messages, at the end of the day the only people who really gets us, are the one whom experienced it...

Also after our first cycle I stared to read and learn about thing I could do differently next round just to have something positive to think about.

Write to me anytime :) xx

hifer
hifer in reply to Mara84

Thank you. Yes I’m trying to learn about what I can change/ improve so fingers crossed 🤞 xx

Mara84
Mara84 in reply to hifer

Finger crossed ❤️

I felt like this yesterday .

My first cycle too.

I don’t have anything in the freezer. 😥

It’s hard when you get to the end of it and have nothing . 😳

I feel slightly better today now that I have my review appointment booked.

Just let the tears out and give yourself permission to mope a bit before you pick yourself up and try again .

And you are right, friends are great but they don’t get it the way this treasure wall does. ( I mean saying they feel ‘bad ‘ doesn’t quite offer the right level of support/understanding of it all. But then why would they get it, they didn’t need to go through it and aren’t THAT interested in the reality of it all)

You are alright and you will be alright.

This journey is all of the bad words in the world times 10,432!

Feels weird not having to take tablets or ram gel up my lady pipe, but I guess I should enjoy the break 🤷🏼‍♀️ that’s the best positive I can come up with!

Not really much I can do but just say say I hear ya sister!

I’d say it’s ok to take a few more days to feel the 💩 of it all.

Also, I have never wanted to see Aunt Flo so much in my entire life!

Hugs of total understanding and United pain

Rhinocat x 💐

hifer
hifer in reply to RhinoCat

Thank you. You are amazing. Definitely enjoy the break. Lots of love to you xx

I have been on this journey for 5 years and all I can say is. Give yourself time to grieve. There is no right or wrong and it takes as long as it takes! You have to be selfish and put yourself first and do what’s best for you and your partner. Xxx

hifer
hifer in reply to Justus1

Thank you. Yes just taking a few days to just ‘be’ and get over the drugs, get my period etc and move on. I think we’re going to have a night away this weekend x

Sorry to read your cycle was unsuccessful, it’s so disappointing to get a negative after everything we put ourselves through to even get to that point. I know it might not feel like it but your lucky in the sense you have a frozen embryo waiting for you when your ready to try again. That will take some pressure off getting to the egg collection stage etc. Give yourself time to heal and be kind to yourself 😘 xx

hifer
hifer in reply to Rox1388

Thank you. We’ll be ok I’m sure. Just need to dust ourselves off and try again! Xx

Hi Hifer, it is so upsetting to hear that you are devastated. I know you don’t need anyone to tell you that it is ok to feel sad as it is indeed a horrible thing that you are going through. Take time to grief and know that there is still hope. You have your next fet and other big plans...a more natural cycle, change of clinics, surrogacy etc. Are you thinking of trying naturally when you next ovulate? My DH and I used a self insemination kit (sterile syringe, sterile pot and conceive plus gel) to take the pressure off DBing. It worked for us before. This method was advised by our GP. It may not be for everyone but I thought you might be interested in other possible next steps. Big hug xx

hifer
hifer in reply to Mmmpudding

Thank you. Yes we are going to try naturally with next ovulation. We need to do that for our relationship too I think and just have some fun! Interesting re the self insemination kit. So you got pregnant using it? Always interested in possible next steps. Am open to all options at this stage!! Xx

Mmmpudding
Mmmpudding in reply to hifer

Hope you are feeling more upbeat today! All three of my children were conceived using self insemination. It suited us I guess. We did it 5-6 days consecutively before ovulation each time to improve the chances. My DH works away a lot nowadays so we are using his frozen sperm just in case he isn’t in the country on egg collection day. If he wasn’t travelling so much we would be using self insemination again. X

hifer
hifer in reply to Mmmpudding

That is so interesting. Presumably to ensure the sperm gets as far as possible? Do you mind me asking where you got it from? I found one on amazon this morning but the reviews weren’t amazing. Xx

Mmmpudding
Mmmpudding in reply to hifer

Bd’ing around ovulation time had become a chore and it was less stressful using the kit. I bought the sterile syringes and pots on eBay separately. Syringes must be latex free and the pots best be around 100ml. We also used Conceived plus (individual applicators), i.e mixing it with the semen. I can send the eBay links in a pm if you wish.

hifer
hifer in reply to Mmmpudding

God I’m so with you. It really takes the fun out of it having to do it a certain day! If you could send me the links please, I would be so grateful. Thanks so much 🙏 xx

Mmmpudding
Mmmpudding in reply to hifer

No problem I will pm you later today when I get home. Xx

Just pm’d you x

Hidden
Hidden

I too was surprised by how devastated I felt when I had a BFN on my second cycle (FET) I really wasn’t expecting it and it took me by surprise. We’re trying to embark on cycle 6!..waiting and more waiting and feeling like it’s never going to happen! Our journey has been rough and included 2 cancelled cycles..I have learned to expect the unexpected..if it happens only rarely..then it will happen to us! But we’ve gotta be in the game to win so we just get up and keep going! Sending you lots of love.♥️ We will get through this!! Nobody truly gets it until they have been there and done it! Xx

RhinoCat
RhinoCat in reply to Hidden

Word!

hifer
hifer in reply to Hidden

Sorry to hear about your journey. What a trooper you are!! You do indeed have to be in it to win it 😉. Keeping everything crossed for your next cycle xx

Hey hifer, just wanted to say Im thinking of you! I think it almost makes it worse when you have worked so hard just to get to bloody transfer and all your hopes and dreams are swiped away after just a few days....just leaves you feeling empty and useless! I hope you are having a better day today, I always find formulating a plan of action makes me feel a little better and a bit more in control. Love and hugs.xxx

hifer
hifer in reply to Cinderella5

Exactly. It’s such a challenge just to get to transfer as you say and then I just have nothing to show for all the hard work put in!! Yes I’m going to book in a follow up appmt with the consultant today so we at least have that to focus on. How are you doing? It’s OTD for you today... Any change?? Sending hugs to you too xx

Cinderella5
Cinderella5 in reply to hifer

OTD is officially tomorrow.....urrghhhh! I have tested 7dp5dt and again yesterday 10dp5dt and both negative so I think Im probably out. I have had a faint positive at 12dp5dt (tomorrow) so I know it can change but highly unlikely I would say now. P!ssed off and fed up pretty much sums it up! Will update officially tomorrow as a few others have asked too. We have one last embryo in the freezer which hubby doesnt really want to think about using at the moment but Ive already emailed our coordinator to ask if she can put the feelers out for using it to the clinic.....I just need to get this shitty part of my life done with! Ha ha haxx

hifer
hifer in reply to Cinderella5

Oh sorry I thought it was today. Oh honey! I really really hope it changes for you. I’ll be keeping everything crossed. I’m not going to commiserate until we know for sure as I’m so hoping it changes 🤞🤞😘xx

Cinderella5
Cinderella5 in reply to hifer

Thank you, unlikely but I guess its not over until the fat lady sings.....actually that pretty much describes me these days except it'll be the fat lady crying....oh the joys of meds! Ha ha haxx

hifer
hifer in reply to Cinderella5

I hear you! I’ve done a lot of that in the past few days!! Meds do send you loop the loop which is helpful in an already very stressful situation 🤪🤦‍♀️. Xx

Cinderella5
Cinderella5 in reply to hifer

Oh well, there is always gin and wine for the weekend if its all gone tits up.....hubby better have an extra special valentines gift for me this year too! Hee hee hee.xx

RhinoCat
RhinoCat in reply to Cinderella5

Hugs for tomorrow pet 😘

Just a quick note to send lots of love. I think its very natural to be so devastated. No matter how realistic we try to be about IVF and our chances you can't help but hope for that miracle, especially when you wait so long to even get started, and then invest so much into a round, and have the daily reminders and constant thoughts about it all it just becomes our be all and end all... its inevitable you will feel as you are.

My advice would be to grieve like you would any other loss. You need to go through the motions of anger, upset etc and gradually you will start to feel more positive. It's actually fantastic you have one in the freezer, many people (myself included) never get any frozen and always have to do fresh cycles. I feel like frozen cycles are less intrusive on your body and seem to generally have more positive outcomes but maybe my thoughts are swayed by reading what I do on here.

The main things to remember is (and sorry I say this all the time on here) that this is a brand new experience for your body, and quite a shock for it to be honest. While some people do get their BFP first round, loads of people don't.. and actually I think your body kind of learns each time what its supposed to do and how its supposed to do it, so I think in a way your chances get better as you go along. (not a medical opinion)

Anyway I am rambling, I really hope you are feeling a teeny bit better today, give yourself a break and time to deal with this, and then when the time is right positive head back on and sail into your FET with all sorts of positive BFP thoughts xx

hifer
hifer in reply to Daisy1245

I will take your non medical opinion and hope it’s true 😉. It certainly all makes sense! Thank you for your positive words. I’m going to get a follow up booked today with our consultant and then we will have something to focus on and get on with the next round. Xx

Daisy1245
Daisy1245 in reply to hifer

Moving onto the next round definitely helped me when my first round failed - good luck lovely xx

Hi hifer,

I had my first round of IVF too a few weeks ago and managed to get pregnant and then had a miscarriage after a week of knowing the good news..

I am with you! We are on the same boat sadly. I completely understand your pain as I truly feel heartbroken and emotionally drained.

I hope you feel better. It’s not easy at all. It’s been a week today exactly since my miscarriage and I still don’t feel better but I guess each day at a time.

Lots of love ❤️xx

I’m so sorry for your loss and also how you are feeling now! It’s so hard. I really hope each day starts to feel a little better for you. That has been the case for me if that helps you at all. Definitely don’t put pressure on yourself to ‘get better’. I know people who have gone back to work a couple of days after a miscarriage. I took 2 weeks off and even then took it really slowly after that so you just have to go at your own pace. Sending you hugs xz

Thank you for being so kind.

People think each day things get better but it doesn’t. I wish I could of taken more time off but I only took 5 days off and then went back to work. In some ways it helped as it distracted me.

I am hoping to start my second cycle in March. I’m just so scared.

I hope you feel better and rest up as much as possible. It’s not easy but just try take things slowly.

I truly hope everything works out for you ❤️xx

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