So many doubts

Hi all,

Since being thrown back into the fertility clinic on Friday I’ve felt so deflated and my sleep has been worse than ever as I feel like my brains always busy.

I felt quite content with waiting until the new year and naively clinging onto the fact that maybe the D&C could of triggered natural ovulation and i might get my miracle (delusional I know) but now somehow I feel like it’s always been taken away from me again, I feel so strange I can’t even explain it. I go back on Wednesday for everything to be confirmed.

Now I’m starting to doubt if I can even put myself through another cycle, can I let my heart be broken once again. I’ve always been open to adoption, once I had my children it was what I wanted to do. I watched finding me a family and it broke my heart how many unwanted children there were. There was a family of 4 children who were classed as ‘un adoptable’ and I thought to myself I was adopt them in a heart beat. Im now seriously thinking should we just go down that route, years of treatment and all I have to show for is a broken heart. But on the other hand am I really read to give up on carrying my biological baby and having a living child. I’ve never felt so indecisive ☹️

13 Replies

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  • Aw E_05 I feel the same and have been watching that programme too. My heart broke for those 4 children and then at the end when that little boy was placed with the family on the day the programme was aired.

    As much as I felt really positive about DE now I'm having these lining issues I'm thinking what was the point if my lining won't thicken, and watching that programme makes me want to sack it all off and go with adoption too, but I'm going to give it another 6 months and see where I'm at then.

    You've been through so much recently with a lot of heartache, so my words of advice would be, take time to spoil yourself and let your hair done and indulge over xmas and try to put everything to the back of your mind. Easier said than done as I too am having trouble sleeping but now my FET has been cancelled I've felt a little more relaxed and enjoyed a couple of drinks last night and slept much better!

    Hope you feel better soon and happy xmas xx

  • Thank you for your reply, ah I know it was lovely to see a happy ending for that little boy.

    It’s such a hard decision to make isn’t it especially when your head is constantly busy. My hubby and I have had a few serious chats since the programme and he wants to wait to adopt until we’ve used our chances on the NHS although he is very understanding that it’s not him physically going through it.

    I’m definitely going to try and ‘let go’ a little over the Christmas period and enjoy it this year, I hope your able to enjoy it to xx

  • Hi E_05. So sorry to hear about all the confusion you are experiencing at the moment, especially after all you have been through. I was just wondering whether you have been receiving any counselling recently. it just might help to speak o someone on "neutral" grounds, as Io how you are feeling. If you can't get any via your clinic or GP, there is a charity called the "British Infertility Counselling Association" who you might like to contact. There is a charge for the service, but if you have a look at bica.net you will be able to see what they can offer you. I'm sure more of the ladies here will support you too. meanwhile, I wish you well with whatever decision you come to. Thinking of you. Diane

  • Thank you Diane, I have had some counselling but have been thinking of going back to my GP as maybe I need a little more. Hope you have a lovely Christmas x

  • So hard E_05, you’ve been through so much this year. Me and my partner haven’t watched the program yet as feel it would be a big step to even do that but we have the adoption cards on the table. I agree that counselling and some time away from treatment would help give you and your husband the space to decide what your next steps are. Wishing you a peaceful Christmas and joyful new year for 2018 xxx

  • Thank you, I’ve always wanted to adopt just never thought it would be in these circumstances if that makes sense. I’ve had counselling but think il speak to my GP about a bit more and your right taking some time out is helping so hopefully after my scan Wednesday I can just focus on Christmas again. I hope your doing okay? xx

  • Yes, that makes absolute sense. Hope the scan goes ok on Wednesday. I’m ok - having another hysteroscopy on Wednesday - another polyp following second round of treatment. Xx

  • Thank you, hope everything goes well for you to. I’m waiting for my appt for my hysteroscopy xx

  • Hope it comes through soon and it goes ok for you. Xxx

  • Hello, it’s so hard to keep going with treatment and be resilient... Adopting is an amazing thing to do and we all have that to fall back on. Once we are ready. Where are you seeing this series!? I’ve tried to look it up and can’t find it.

    Agree with the points above about counselling. I’ve managed to fall out with both my sisters as they just don’t get it and put more pressure on me. So having someone independent helps, your clinic may offer a free service?

    Keep strong x

  • I’ve always wanted to adopt but your right it’s just knowing when your ready. It was on channel 4, there’s been 2 episodes so far.

    Sorry to hear your sisters aren’t understanding, I’ve had some counselling which did help so maybe il get some more. Hope your able to enjoy Christmas xx

  • I’m so sorry that you are feeling crappy right now 😞. It’s such a tough journey and you’ve such had an awful time of it that I’m not suprised that you are dreading going back again.

    It took us 6 months after my OH’s failed SSR to even build up the courage to make another appointment but we’re doing it in the new year at last.

    It sounds like you’ll be a great mum whatever way you get there, adoption must be unbelievably rewarding. What does your hubby think?

    Sending hugs xx

  • Thank you, it’s hard isn’t it to throw yourself back in. This is the longest break I’ve taken from treatment which I guess is why I’ve got the thinking time normally I’m just focused on starting again.

    My hubbys quite laid back but wants to use all our NHS goes and if we still haven’t got our healthy baby then to go for adoption which I guess makes sense. He does say he know it’s not him physically going through it though xx

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