So after a year of not using ovulation sticks me and DH decided to use them again to help after over 2 years no success in TTC. I have now finished the packet of ovulation sticks and it has not shown that I have ovulated. When i used them a year ago it did used to show an LH surge. We are here for male factor issues, and now I feel my heart is breaking that there is something wrong with me aswell we have our next fertility appointment next week. I don't know how I will cope with any more bad news. I have felt so down since our first appointment in January. I am hoping that it may be down to stress i may not be ovulating and not something more serious. I am terrified of what they will tell me on Wednesday. My mood with infertility is so low... that if I hear the worst on Wednesday I feel it will push me over the edge.... I hate this... i feel my heart is so broken.... I long for a time when I used to be able to feel like me carefree and enjoying myself. Feels like everywhere I go there are babies, pregnancy news. Even the supermarket is a reminder. I isolate myself to always just be with hubby, because it's my only 'safe' place and he is so supportive. We were watching a programme last night and there was pregnancy and my hubby said we should turn it over... It's sad that it's come to this that I'm so sensitive just the talk of pregnancy makes me want to cry. Feeling just a little but suffocated like there is no escape from this....its taken over our lives and I ddesperately just want to feel like me again the longer this goes on the more i feel like I have lost the person I was.
Sorry for the rant xxx
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Rainbow_86
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This is exactly what I was saying on Friday different triggers but same feeling.
Came off the pill and ever since it's been a constant feature in my decisions affecting all aspects of life.
I said to my hubby I want my old life back my old attitude back the one I had before we started trying.
When we started we were 50/50 it will happen or it won't defo not going for IVF or anything like that if we have issues and before you know it it's check up at the GP it's referred to fertility clinic it's an operation then IVF is offered... you end up on this rollercoaster!
Then others just are just "oops I'm pregnant" so easy.
I've got mad with it now and bull headed and I'm stopping all this I'm doing one round of IVF and that's it then either way I move on it's over for me, it's not having anymore of my brain space.
Aww rach I'm sorry you feel the same...... It's so horrible isn't it...... It's weird because I even look back on my memories before we knew we had issues.... then after... and all my memories post fertility issues are shadowed with sadness. It kills me as I feel I am wasting my life away so focused on this.
If I'm honest I don't even recognise myself now....... I'm abit of recluse in the sense I don't go certain places, see certain people to avoid being hurt. I'm very good at putting on a show. When I'm at work i don't think anyone would realise what's going on underneath..... but my poor hubby puts up with so much negativity, tears.....
It sounds you have a plan in place.... to give it another try and move on. We have our second fertility appointment on Wednesday. I'm just terrified it will be more bad news. I'm here if you ever need a chat..... thank you for the reply...... keep strong you are amazing. Anyone who puts up with these issues is an inspiration. I really wish you the happy endong you deserve xxxx
Take a look on my profile at my posts you'll see what pushed me over the edge.
Ive always been fine with others being pregnant it's not upset me but I've noticed it. Then the people always telling me to have kids etc that's annoying...
I was also ok knowing this may or may not happen for us and what has annoyed me is the so undeserving having such an easy time.
I'm same I've looked at how I've felt since we started to try and seen how this "what if I get pregnant" has affected so much, I even bought a new car a couple of years back and overlooked the sporty type I'd always wanted in favour of a more child friendly one and now I think I coulda just had it for the last two years! I turned down the chance for a massive career changing job and stayed in a job I was miserable in which battered my confidence, just cause changing meant I had to think about qualifying for mat leave or what if I fell preggers then at the wrong time like serving a notice period etc etc holiday destinations affected by Zika virus.
Last yr I got tough and decided life goes on and moved house job and booked a holiday and though f**k this it's not having this much control anymore!
I've been upset, I've been cautious, I've wallowed in self pity and coasted along and now I'm angry and when I get to angry stage I know I'm end of the line with something and my sheer bloody mindedness makes me get back control get my personality back and I move on.
There are so many stage even when you get to treatment the whole journey is a set of things that can go your way or not sonny advice to you is prepare for the worst and take everything else and positive - do things to get the old you back and enjoy what you do have in the here and now!
I'm off to Audi at 3pm today to test drive that sports car! Hahahahaha nothing's stopping me now and anything else is a bonus!
Aww lovely.... I'm so sorry. It's horrible that you put your life on hold for all this.... i think the horrible thing is the fact of not knowing either way.... if someone said it definitely will not happen... Then I guess you may be able to let yourself grieve.... It's just the constant hope then disappointment..... every month... and thinking there's still chance of a miracle...
Each month I convince myself I'm pregnant. I think I feel extra tired, or that my boobs are sore.... or that I feel different on the build up to my period.... despite it not happening every month I still think 'this month is it!' And it just a constant cycle of disappointment. I'm tired of crying over pregnancy tests and seeing the blank window. I sometimes feel sorry for myself and feel abit pathetic that I had actually convinced myself for another month that I would be pregnant. The heartache never gets easier. Even though month now I expect it.
I hope you enjoyed test driving your sports car!!!! I need more of that get up and go attitude!!!!
I can understand the anger. To be honest that is one of the hardest emotions to deal with.... It's hard not to be angry... especially when you see some people who take everything for granted or complain.....
I want to wish you the best of luck on the rest of your journey.... and may you get the result you wish for (and I will think of you every time I see a lady speeding past in an Audi sports car lol)
Rainbow you are not alone in the pain you feel. The things you are sensitive to and struggling with are what I would say the majority of us have felt at some point. Feeling down is horrible and it's so easy to say try and stay positive and yet so hard to achieve when you don't feel it. Have you tried a fertility counsellor? There are some good ones out there who might help a little.
As far as ovulation goes, have you had investigations for this before? I'm sure the follow up appointment will address your concerns. Perhaps you are ovulating but this cycle is much longer?
Hi thanks so much. I am awaiting NHS counselling..... I went to the GP and was prescribed antidepressants ( however decided not to take them as with no history of depression was reluctant to take them thinking realistically it won't take away my pain of infertility as that's the only reason I feel so down).
I've never had ovulation issues as far as I am aware. I have had blood tests before. Our next appointment we find out my AMH levels and results from the last of my ultrasounds etc. I dont even know how they wpuld investigate if I'm ovulating regularly but I am going to ask.
I've felt so down and stressed over the last 6 months.. and I have read that this can affect ovulation.... I will be mentioning it to the consultant on Wednesday.... I just don't want it to be bad news....... We have been feel it with DH fertility issues and to throw problems with me into the mix I just feel decreases our chances eve futher... I am praying it is just going to be due to my cycle length or something like that. Thank you for your kind reply xxx
Hey Rainbow... I don't think anything can prepare you for devastating news when it comes to fertility. And I don't think anyone would blame you (or me!) for wanting their carefree life back. Some days I want mine back even now. I got my BFP almost 3 weeks ago and now a daily dose of panicking means I long for the days when I was careless at the start of my relationship to just get pregnant by accident and not have to worry whether 'the ivf we paid for worked or not'.
I don't know how long you've been on this journey ... or how long the tears have been here. And you won't believe me when I tell you... but it passes. Not got any reason; maybe because you become so used to it. My husband said he thinks I ran out of tears.
Keep strong and remember we're all here for you.
I just noticed we're at the same clinic, when I looked back at your previous posts too. xx
Your advice is spot on and similar to your hubby but I have ran out of tolerance for how much I'm willing to let "fertility" control our world now or occupy my mind so much.
That's true enough too. Some of my previous posts have mentioned how Mr Emu just wouldn't let our treatment this time take over our life because it got us so down and stressed last time.
It's also why Mr Emu talked at length to me about a cycle limit; because he didn't want it to control his life forever xx
We get one round on the NHS so that decision is made thank fully and even then I always said IVF was a step to far for me personally.
But then I see how much it is and I thought I'd be very daft and ungrateful and probably will regret not taking that one shot.
I'm on day 3 of down reg and day one and two I almost threw out all the drugs and backed out but I keep thinking just once! I think by mid July this is all over one way or another and I'm at peace with that!
Aww emu..... thank you. I have followed your story and am over the moon for you.....you truly deserve it........ and it makes me so sad that after everything you have been through... you still can't enjoy pregnancy how it should be enjoyed by someone who can just conceive........ I hope that the futher on in your pregnancy you get that you can relax more into it... but I can completely understand by the lengths you have gone through to get to this point.... your anxiety is natural.
Your statement that you ran out of tears... breaks my heart. I can completely relate.... I'm tired of crying.... my hubby said his heart breaks to see me cry... sometimes I cry buckets and it's weird sometimes i feel numb and just angry at life. Those times i dont cry at all I just feel anger. When i went to the GP they said it's effectively like going through the stages of grief.... despair, anger, disbelief and eventually acceptance...... i hope whatever the outcome I can find peace and find myself again.
I want to wish you a healthy and happy pregnancy..... thanks for taking the time to reply.... yes both in Yorkshire! We will be at seacroft on Wednesday.... It's weird now I have found this site when I'm in the waiting room on Wednesday I will wonder if any of the ladies on the forum are there.....
Well... when you're in that waiting room on Wednesday... take a moment to smile that miracles happen eventually. Because there's a woman visiting that day for her seven week scan.... Me! So you're right!
You shout if you ever need to chat.
My hubby was heartbroken by my tears too. His sadness at my sadness made his mum cry!
Thanks for your wishes. I really hope you mr journey goes well. The clinic has some amazing consultants. xx
Aww my goodness.... no way!!!!! It's so comforting to know that you will be there somewhere when we are there on the same day! Feel like we should both wear a red carnation so we can give each other a supportive wink haha. Your 7 week scan that's such an amazing milestone......
Yes we have amazing men by our side... it sounds like mr. Emu is also your tower of strength.... my hubby has been amazing and the only thing that is positive from this crappy journey is how my hubby has literally been a rock... despite the fact that his heart feels broken too. I owe him my sanity if I'm honest.....
All the best to you on Wednesday...... hugs to you and I'm always here too. The consultant I have met so far was lovely.... I just hope we can have some positive news... xxxx
Aww bless you. You will be long gone by the time we are there then... But I will look out for your good luck!.... and can't wait for your post of your lovely scan....... thank you so much for the support. Will be thinking of you too! xxxx
I know what you mean about the antidepressants it's a tough call and only you can decide that one.
Fingers crossed the blood tests are good. They can check you are ovulating by doing natural tracking scans of your ovaries and essentially check the follicle development and then look for the open follicle sac to check it was released so it is possible.
Thanks so much ..... yes regarding the antidepressants I just felt that if there was magic pill to take the pain away, then all the women struggling with fertility would be on it. I just thought that if I started taking them, surely it's covering up my grieving process regarding the issue.... and I would have to come to terms with it eventually. Thank you so much for your support and advice. I have got abit tearful that so many strangers on here take so much time and effort to make me feel okay and offer support.
I feel the same as you. I'm not proud of myself but I cut myself off from most friends when I find out they are pregnant, to protect myself. I've come off Facebook because it's too much. I used to be outgoing and sociable but prefer to spend time with my boyfriend and close family now. I comfort myself with thinking that this phase of my life will only continue for a fixed amount of time. I'm 41 so can't keep trying forever. At the moment, we feel we want children in our lives, whether through our own, donor eggs or adoption. So this hard time of waiting and suffering will pass. It is difficult to maintain the resilience, patience and energy to keep going on this journey but, as a colleague once said to me, 'All these things will pass.' I just hope I have some friends left at the end of the process. Good luck with your appointment - I hope you get good news. xxx
Hi... and thank you for your reply...... I'm exactly the same I'm not on Facebook. It gives me a sense of distance and feel better knowing I can't see things unexpectedly.... especially when I'm having a bad day and struggling.....
Please don't feel bad you have cut yourself off.... you need to protect yourself and do what is right for you... I have done the same at times and it's not because I'm not happy for others... I just get so tearful around anything baby related....i only feel safe with hubby. If actually say I have probably developed an anxiety from all this... I am not a normal sociable person anymore.... I just want to lock the door on an evening with the scarey world outside.... I know you said you are 41 but please don't give up based on that.. there is always hope.... you always have options and I really hope you get the ending that you so truly deserve.
I'm always here if you need a chat..... Your inspirational getting through this never forget that xxxxx
Oh god I know that suffocating feeling completely, it's bloody hard! Definitely a counsellor is a great idea, I do pay, but see him weekly, and sometimes it just helps me cling on for another week, other times it helps me to see the positives in life. If you can pay for one to get the ball rolling then I'd suggest that. It sounds like with all the stress you're under it could well just be a blip, have you tried acupuncture? That can really help with regulating everything and stress, I really find it helps me. Once we are on this rollercoaster it's very hard not to presume the absolute worse case scenario, but hang in there, it could be absolutely fine! The hormones also don't help with our moods!! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻
Aww thank you so much... I filled your story on here and feel completely guilty complaining knowing what you have been through recently.... I hope you are as ok as you can be......
I had thought of acupuncture (however it scares me the needles, abit ironic as a nurse I take blood with needles lots of days lol). But I do hear a lot of people say that it helps with relaxing....
The thing that has helped me is running.... I honestly think if I didn't have running I would probably have given in and taken the antidepressants....
Thanks so much for it kindness especially after everything uve been through. I think all of us on here are probably guilty of thinking worst case scenario!.... I suppose it's probably a self preservation thing to protect yourself but anticipating the worst...
Big hugs and I wish u the best with it next steps xxxx
Hi rainbow so sorry to read your having a tough time of it and your now stressed about the ovulation strips which is another pressure for you. If this is just one month I wouldn't be too concerned as cycle to cycle can vary and just because you might have missed last month doesn't mean you won't next month. I remember about 14yrs ago my period stopped for about 5 months when my parents were splitting up and the doctors put it down to stress. Stress/ anxiety/ grief are very hard emotions to control and I don't think it can be eliminated completely but it's about finding ways to understand and manage these emotions when they arise. I think it takes a very strong willed person to turn down antidresspants when they are offered and I'm glad to read that you are exploring counselling. I would recommend reading 'finding mindfulness in a frantic world' this book has helped me to understand and control my emotions and has helped to ground and calm me and reduce that constant anxiety feeling. I've also read 'the secret' by Rhonda Byrne one of the other girls on here recommend it and it's about the impact of positive thinking and thinking differently as everything ivf related can become very doom and gloom and it's often hard to get out of that head space give them a try if you can. We are all here for you and understand how painful all of this is big hug xxx
Thank you so much..... you are right on top of everything I don't need the stress of ovulation sticks now as well. . I wish I had never started doing them again.... the stress is hardly going to help.... I don't know whether to not do them again. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. But I guess if it's a problem it wi get picked up on at some point down the line....
Thank you so much for the book recommendation... I will definitely look into it...im really sorry too to hear about your parents..... it shows how much that stress affects our bodies so greatly the fact your periods stopped... poor you. But glad they started up again....
And thank you. I mentioned earlier that I just felt that a antidepressants will only cover up feelings that eventually I am going to have to deal with. I would love to feel better again. But I really don't think a tablet will help me at the moment because I really have to just process this situation we find ourself in... and I was worried if I start them I may be too scared to ever come of them. I suppose there is an element of stubbornness in their also that I feel I just need to get on and do it......
Thank you again for your kindness..... the support and kind words gives me such a boost when I feel in quite a dark place..... Thank you again and I wish you all the best with your journey too xxx
Your most welcome it's a very tough journey I don't think anyone can prepare or imagine how hard any of this is unless you have walked in our shoes. Take one day at a time some will be bad but others will be good and hopefully over time there will be more better days than bad ones. None of us no what the future holds for any of us so I try and remind myself of this and try and be greatful for I have today xxx
Thank you so much... you are to true... I don't think I could have anticipated how hard this would be... had my appointment today and nurse consultation booked for the start of July so feeling abit more positive and moving forward quickly. Hugs to you on your journey xx
I'm so sorry that you are feeling so low. I think all of us can relate to those feelings. Infertility is such a vile illness- it brings such painful feelings and emotions- an roll a coaster ride of feelings. And the more it doesn't happen the worse you feel. I don't know if it's any comfort but you are not alone with these feelings- we all have times where it's a real struggle- which is why this site is such lifeline...
I wouldn't assume the worst ( and I'm not in a position to say that as I always assume the worst!) ovulation tests are not always that reliable and I've seen a few women on here have negative lh but do ovulate as the progesterone blood test proves- myself being one of them! Last year I was on clomid- as I have abnormalities within my menstrual cycle he thought I may have polycystic ovaries. To give ourselves the best chance ( or so I thought!) I invested ovulation kit- I didn't see one lh surge despite countless tests- I brought 3 at £30 each!!! I was very very stressed out to the point where I contacted by consultant and GP- they probably thought I was going mad- I felt like it!!! My hubby went through hell!!!! I ended up paying £85 for a private progesterone blood test!! I was that paranoid I had no choice! Anyway it came back over 60 p/mol proving that I had ovulated. I had some serious back peddling to do to my husband!!!!!! The consultant advised us to ditch the sticks, try between days 10-22 if my cycle and to use the money on a nice bottle of wine!!! I think for that price id want champagne!!!!!! My point is if your progesterone blood test is normal and you have normal regular cycles then chances are you are ovulating- and even if worst case you weren't you can be prescribed medication that will encourage ovulation.
There is so much these experts can do- most people do end up having their baby than don't. Some people take a bit longer- its taken us 5 years 10 months to have a proven diagnosis- I have endometriosis which my consultant removed during my laparoscopy. It was in the pouch of Douglas- which is in between my uterus and rectum. On paper we looked capable of having a baby but the reality was we couldn't conceive... My tubes are both clear and my ovaries are completely normal- which is so reassuring to know. My symptoms were secondary infertility ( I have a child from a previous relationship which I am very grateful for) abnormalities in my cycle- bleeding and cramping between my cycles, heavy and very painful periods- twice I'd ended up in hospital with the pain, bowel issues and chronic pain I've had in my lower left side for 6 months ( GP was so dismissive of but luckily my fertility consultant was very concerned by it- hence laparoscopy). I remember him beaming arms telling me he had good news for me-so sweet! We will be having our follow up appointment soon with him- we are hoping we can try naturally for a few months before going down the IVF route. I haven't got a success story yet but I hope to have one to share with others- that it absolutely can happen.
Have faith in your consultant- they will do everything that they can to get you pregnant- we always feel so positive and calm when we see ours- and I hope you feel like that on Wednesday. I remember nearly canceling our appointment in March because I didn't think he could help us- oh how wrong I was!! Luckily for me my husband wouldn't let me.
Its great that you have such a strong relationship with your hubby- going through this it's so important. You will l get through this and come through the other side. You can do this- you are stronger than you think you are- I know it can bring you to your knees but you can do it.
Bad days are horrible but they don't last. Tomorrow is another day. But today- cry, scream, rant rave let these feelings out. Hell get a bottle of wine to enjoy!
I truly hope your appointment goes well on Wednesday and sometimes having a plan in place can make such a difference.
Aww Jess. Thanks so much for taking so much time with your reply..... you have really made me feel better about the whole ovulation thing. It's just so scarey isn't it....every part of it is out of our control. It's just horrible as so far it has only been male fertility issues we have faced..... and to add more issues into the mix terrifies me thinking it will reduce our chances even futher... so far everything had come back ok with me... so the fear of it not just scares me even more when we have already been told our chances are so small.
I'm so sorry your road has been such a long one and that you have struggle so long with it diagnosis. That's amazing your consultant is so wonderful and puts you so much at ease.... I'm glad that they have helped with your endometriosis and I really hope you are able to achieve a natural pregnancy..... it sounds like you have been through so much to get to this point... after such a long time you definitely deserve this xxxx
We like you, are suffering secondary infertility. We have a son who is 4. I am eternally grateful for what we have... and sometimes feel so guilty that I struggle so much despite knowing how much harder it is for others and yet I have found myself so defeated and down. Hubby has low count, morphology and motility so we managed to achieve the impossible once.....
My hubby had been amazing and I am eternally grateful for how he has coped with this.... he still manages to make me smile when I'm at my worst and is always trying to find ways to relax me or buy me little things to distract me....
Bad days certainly are horrible.... nothing seems to help on those days..... but I know that a lot of people here feel the same and its such a supportive place to find hope. Thank you so much again for your help and info regarding the ovulation sticks. It has made me think that maybe the sticks may not be the most accurate.... and my body may still be doing it's job. I desperately hope so....
I wish you all the best and desperately hope you get your happy ending too.
Hi Rainbow_86 sorry to hear all this. I'm not sure what stage of fertility appointments you are, but just to let you know this isn't uncommon with the ovulation sticks. Honestly I have spent so much money on them & I think they are a complete waste of money. They haven't helped us at all. I have had no ovulation showing for months on end, and sometimes apparently peak fertility for 8 days!! I did an ovulation test on the weekend I went for a scan, where they told me I had healthy ovaries and was ovulating perfectly and the stupid sticks still had that annoying empty circle. They work for some I guess but not for me. If you're feeling down, I can only suggest reflexology, looking after yourself and spending some quality time with your other half that doesn't involve anything to do with the fertility process/talking about babies etc. I was really down and emotional last year and just by not focusing on the stress of trying and the ivf process, I am in a much better place. I know it's really hard but I think being happy and joyful for pregnant friends and family will make your experience much nicer, as long as people know (if you're happy to tell them) then they won't be insensitive to it. I really wish you luck in your journey, sending good wishes for your appointment xx
Aww lilli thank you so much for this... I'm so pleased that your test showed that everything is ok with you ovulating etc. We had stopped using the sticks a year ago due to the added stress/ pressure they would cause... and now I wished we had never tried them again.... as it has frightened me so much.
So we were refered by GP last July to fertility specialist due to DH results... I can't believe almost a year ago. Then after doing blood tests and a ultrasound had first fertility appointment in January. She said we were suitable for BIG from our results, and then sent us for more tests hsg, more bloods, ultrasounds and then it took a whole 6 months for our next appointment on Wednesday... it has been an horrendous time waiting so long. Worst bit is this was actually a cancellation as our original appointment was not till middle of July!
The m you again for your support. You don't know how much I appreciate it....
I'm so pleased that you are in a better place now than before.... it must be one of the worst things emotionally a person can go through.....
I wish the best of luck with your journey and you have made me feel so much better about the ovulation sticks. That silly blank circle on the test i will definatley try not to let get me down. Im not going to use them next month... I think they are doing me more harm than good.
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we have our next fertility appointment next week. I don't know how I will cope with any more bad news. I have felt so down since our first appointment in January. I am hoping that it may be down to stress i may not be ovulating and not something more serious. I am terrified of what they will tell me on Wednesday. My mood with infertility is so low... that if I hear the worst on Wednesday I feel it will push me over the edge.... I hate this... 
big love. I'll be thinking of you xx
Ovulating - pic attached 
Feeling confused... 
*Sensitive* Whether to have FET or not
Progesterone blood test confirmed ovulation! I want to warn others of the damage using ovulation sticks can do.
Not feeling good 😓
