So the pregnancy in the family that I’ve avoided for 9 months has now ended today. A beautiful baby girl was born and she looks so perfect so much like my younger cousin. I remember him when he was a baby as he’s been my brother from day one. Him and my biological brother have been best friends all our lives and I remember them both as babies. They are 6 years younger than me and I’ve always looked after them.
I’ve felt awful that at a time he told me he was going to be a dad his words were “Your little bro is going to be a dad!” Were the worst words I could have heard at such a heartbreaking time for us.
I remember crying for two days, couldn’t get up off the floor I felt so broken and lost.
Family have avoided talking about it unless I’ve asked and I’ve not seen my cousin at all. Because I’ve avoided him until a few weeks ago I reached out to him on text and explained how happy I was for him and sorry for how I had been. He was amazing with me. I then went out to buy gifts as my way of trying to make those baby steps- pardon the pun.
So I then got upset tonight- not cried but just disappointed that I had to see pics and find out on Facebook. But I don’t deserve any other do I? Not being supportive throughout their pregnancy, seeing them and going to see their new home and nursery.
I have messaged him to what I think are the right words to say.
Seeing the happiness of family holding the precious baby girl, seeing how precious and delicate she is has just made me want to cry. But nothing has come out. I feel numb almost. Part of me wants to go and cuddle her but will that make me worse?
It’s going to take a few days to set in I think and I said to my husband tonight- “That May be us this time next year!”
After my post today I’ve had a little chat tonight about our plans in the future if we don’t have kids. His plans are different to mine to the point I had to say “Well if we can’t agree then maybe we do go our separate ways!”
I can’t believe I’m writing it off before we have even started. But the truth is I can’t live this life forever.
I ended the conversation with saying this is all so raw and so far away to even think about and I think we need to just forget all this until we hit that bloody brick wall.
I am seriously praying for a miracle- not a natural one but a scientific one at least 🌈.
I just can’t be positive all of the time 😥