Last night was our night to start BD-ing to be in with a chance of conceiving this month. We were away at the weekend & a lot of alcohol was consumed - I said DH could have a day off being good but had to "dump" the drunk ones!! Probably a pointless exercise I'm sure but never mind. Anyway, 48 hours after the "dumping" we were due to start trying for this month but when we went to bed last night he started saying he was tired & didn't have the energy. I told him we needed to so that we could get in 2 sessions before I ovulate assuming I don't ovulate early but I didn't want to take any chances. He then admitted he'd "dumped" a load earlier in the evening. When I asked him why he'd done that he said that he didn't realise that it was time to start trying & said I should have told him & that he doesn't know how it all works! I got really angry saying perhaps he should have asked if he wasn't sure if the dates but after 4 years of trying he should have some idea of what's going on! Anyway, it just went on from there, I told him I was sick of trying for a baby, being constantly stressed & having to ask him to take vitamins, eat healthily, etc, etc, when he just moans all the time so I sound like a nagging wife. I'm sure you can all imagine how it went!
Anyway, didn't sleep well, have swollen eyes from crying & now feel like a complete cow. Also feel like I've made things worse & put even more stress on the whole situation. I just want to go back to having sex for fun, something we rarely do these days 😔
I should probably also mention that one of my best friends had a baby last night & also we had just been to visit his sister's new baby for the first time...
Oh dear - I've been there and know how it feels and with babies being born around you, the pressure intensifies. Be kind to yourself and to him. Remember it is him you want to have a baby with. Look after yourself today xx
It's good to know that I'm not the only one, thank you for your message. I have just texted him to say sorry again. It's rare that I lose it like last night, I hope he forgives me & understands xxx
Sorry for the late reply, he was actually really lovely and apologised for being useless. He's made a real effort to take an interest since then. Thank you xxx
Aw no me and my husband have been through that many times in the end we was only having sex when I ovulated, to much pressure on sex will put pressure on your relationship hunny. Unbeknown to me and husband all that pressure lead us nowhere lol for the past 3 1/2 years cause my tubes were blocked lol, keep your chin up sweet xx
You poor thing, after all that time! I really can't understand why the NHS don't check tubes straight away. They haven't checked mine either, despite 4 years of trying, 3 rounds of ivf & a natural ectopic st xmas! They are still refusing now!
Thank you for replying, makes me feel less alone xxxxx
I know what a waste of time 🙄 wow have they not given you a laparoscopy? You poor thing how can they just do all that without investigating first? Aw I'm here always I'm sure we all are 😘 xx
Seems like a waste of money & time to me going straight to ivf without carrying out all possible tests but perhaps they were just convinced there was no point? They told me it was due to me approaching my 40th birthday, I only had 18 months to go... you can't possibly fit in tests & 2 rounds of ivf in 18 months.., or can you... 🤔 Xxxx
Omg if they would of done that in the first place it may of helped! It baffles me sometimes how things get done surely everything should of been eliminated? I think you should push for more investigations hun xx
I'm having a few tests carried out privately as the NHS are refusing to do any now that I've had two cycles of ivf on the NHS. I'm quite angry about it but there's nothing I can do unfortunately. I tried appealing & was completely shot down. Xx
It happens. Try to be kind to yourself and each other. Perhaps if you know your cycle you could write it down for him so he's more prepared next month so that he can take responsibility.
Have you thought about giving up alcohol or seriously limiting it to a couple of drinks a week. I think it can have a major impact?
So hard when it feels like theirs babies everywhere. Have you looked into IVF? Xx
Thank you for replying 😊 I must admit, I did write the dates down this morning on his calendar to try & help. I feel so awful about telling him he should know what's going on & being a man I really can't expect him to ask. They are like a different species to us...
We've tried completely giving up alcohol but with no better results & found it was actually more stressful. I now limit myself to a couple of drinks at the weekend & he has a max of 3 pints a week. We had Saturday off of being good though as we were away & thought it was about time!
Yep, 3 fresh rounds of ivf, 4 embryos - no babies. Natural ectopic at Xmas to top it all off. 6 of my friends announced they were pregnant just as I found out I was & they are all having their babies now. It's a constant reminder & I feel a bit broken. Xxx
Sounds like a really difficult journey but you will get there. Sometimes I think they do need a little reminding. Can't hurt to write it down for him.
And it's good to have a break and a bit of fun too or it does make it all a bit too much. It is stressful and we're bound to lose it every now and then but you know you love each other and want the same thing. I bet he feels bad too today. I hope you've made up today or do later. None of us are perfect so be kind to yourselves. Big hugs xx
We've all been there Hun. You're both probably feeling the pressure but they do feel it in different ways. We've been going for 5 years now and my DH still isn't sure about the ins and outs. He has to ask questions and we do have misunderstandings. My DH won't give up drinking completely as he says he's still entitled to a life. It's been hard but I generally accept it as that's where he is coming from. I don't understand it but he is his own person so I just let it go. I'd rather he didn't resent me for stopping him. He has given up for this last month before our EC but we'll see. I find saying sorry and blaming (rightly) the drugs is quite helpful. We usually have a cuddle and I have a few tears and then we're back on track. Good luck. x
We found it very stressful to give up drinking completely so have decided to just limit ourselves now. We both gave up for a month before the first two rounds of ivf & 4 months before the 3rd.
Wish I could blame my bi-polar emotions on the ivf drugs now but it's all me 😕 We're saving for a DE round & I think that's also upsetting me, every month I keep hoping my own eggs will be good enough. Had a natural ectopic at Xmas which gave me so much hope but every month I'm devastated it hasn't happened again! I am sick of getting my hopes up only to have them dashed.
Where are you with your journey? 5 years must be really tough xxxx
I've also had those sorts of arguments and felt like a nagging wife. It happens - you are both under a lot of stress and usually and unfairly it is the women who bear the greatest portion of it. Talk it out, explain how you feel and don't beat yourself up. Xx
Thank you for your message. We've made up now, I've apologised for going a bit crazy & he's apologised for not taking more of an active roll. He's explained how stressed he is with everything too & how he doesn't like talking about it because it upsets him. That was really nice as he doesn't talk about things & I often think he doesn't care because of that. Xxx
don't feel bad hun. My other half was like that in the years we were ttc. The whole process is a pressure pot. I would have been miffed too with him if I'm honest. It's awful when the sex becomes mechanical. and the blind panic when you think your going to miss OV I felt like DH wasn't ready for the lifestyle sacrifice. I was shoving well man vitamins in him, watching his food, his drink, even chuntering at him if the hot laptop was on his lap too long! We didn't really make love we just had well timed sex. its a good idea having a weekend off every now and then (no where around ov time)😊. there's got to be a balance. And he needs to understand that your putting in hard work too, and needs to cooperate with you. My husband is crap at talking about things with me. usually that's how the pressure gets out, by me having a pop at him, but most times quite righty. Deserved! go over in your head if your points were valid. Apologise for the ones that weren't. its a high pressure environment for both of you. He needs to understand that too ❤
Your life sounds exactly like mine, even down to the laptop!! I do feel sorry for my hubby but also angry because I wonder whether he feels sorry for what I go through?!
exactly! Lol 😁 end of the day there has to be a balance. you can have a drink and live your life enjoy things in moderation. sounds like your both perfectly normal to me 👍 just trying your best with a tough situation xx
Oh hun.this fertility business brings out alot fights like that .you are not alone.our poor hubbies are clueless sometimes and they just have to put up with our reactions.it sometimes feel like one party wants the baby more than the other .the stress of it all is too much to bear.just this i had a go at my husband coz his mom thinks its unfair on her and my parents that we dont have children and hes defending her .like seriously wtf.im doing all i can to get a bloody baby and some people think we are not serious about it.just as well we didnt tell her about our treatment coz she would drive us nuts with all her suggestions .
Talk to DH today and just tell him how you feel.and have some good make up sex.xx
• in reply to
Christ, how have you not exploded at your mother-in-law?! You poor thing!!
I went out for lunch with 3 friends who had babies on Friday & the landlady of the pub asked me if I felt left out as I was the only one who didn't have a baby!!! Last time I was in there I was just discharged from hospital after my ectopic & she congratulated me on my pregnancy! (She got me confused with someone else) Suffice to say, I snapped a little on Friday...
Xxx
Firstly, please don't feel horrible after venting at your husband! Men just don't think at times and after 6 years of TTC my husband still remains clueless! The big dope!!
I can understand your frustrations and can get that carefree and fun sexy time has turned into regimented timed sex. It isn't fun. For either of you. Tbh for the sake of our marriage we took time out of sex. We banned it! It made us want it ever more!!! Don't get me wrong, peaks and troughs are normal in a relationship however try to shift the focus onto each other.
Your relationship is more importabt. You both want your family but often trying to iron out the communication issues can help to benefit you in the long run particularly when you do have one, united front with your children xxxx
Needless to say your not on your own, go have some make up sexy time!!! xxxx
• in reply to
I wonder what he would think of a sex ban?! 😂
6 years? That must be really tough 😕 Where are you with everything now? Xxx
I too have had these type of arguments with my husband. This journey is so stressful it really takes its toll on a relationship . I often take it out on my husband and feel so guilty after it. Things get said that are not meant and it goes on from that .
Sit your husband down explain that you are stressed and that you are sorry and talk it through . I've found my husband is just as frustrated as I am recently and I found I hadn't taken him into consideration and only thought of myself . I'm sure you and your husband will be ok tomorrow and can talk it through xx
Thank you for your reply. He has apologised lots and admitted that it upsets him to talk about it so he hasn't been talking about the t but he doesn't want me to think he doesn't want it as much or doesn't care. He's been so lovely since and we've talked about things more xxx
Keep talking things through men are funny creatures xx
I know it's really hard work I feel like I could easily give up sex for the rest of my life sometimes it isn't nice having to schedule it in and I do feel really bad for the men in this as they are the ones who have to perform when the time is right. I've given up drinking as I feel better for it but my partner hasn't as he enjoys it too much and that's his release so I don't want to take that away from him. Glad your feeling better about things anyway. It's funny I'm just doing an ovulation test myself xxx
• in reply to
So, a week into your 2ww now?? Bless you, I hope you guys managed to enjoy the baby dancing!! Xxx
What a terrible day! It's inevitable that all the pressure gets to us and causes rows between couples. Your journey sounds particularly challenging. Don't blame yourselves. You are both on this horrible journey and, although experiencing it differently, it is no less challenging for either one.
Would it be worth taking a break from trying naturally and give yourselves a bit more time off being so restrictive? Sometimes the pressure and stress becomes half the problem. I know it's a very hard decision but it might save your sanity. We had to postpone our second cycle ended up being a year later because our relationship was in tatters after cycle 1. Although I hated it and found it totally frustrating, we had a completely different experience for cycle 2. After a lot of relationship counselling etc in between we felt much closer and supported each other better as we understood each other better.
Hope you are feeling a little brighter this morning at least and try not to be so hard on yourself xxx
Sorry about the late reply, things are definitely a lot better now and we've talked more over the last week. We're off to have some tests done privately next month in Barcelona ready to start our donor cycle after the summer so I think we're going to have a few months off trying then for our own sanity! I hope things are a lot better for you & your hubby now xxx
Oh hugs. I have been there too, the pressure is just the worst and you feel so crap the next day. No advice just loads of love and know you are not alone xxxx just be kind to yourself
• in reply to
Thank you lovely, I hate falling out over misunderstandings xxx
My Hubble used to be quite like this... depending on me to lead it all and not really bothering to find out the info for himself. I found the (expensive even on eBay) ovulation monitor from clearblue was quite good because he could look at it too, to see if we were on high or peak. But to be honest, he didn't really change until after he had to watch me recover from a laparoscopy and then fall pregnant only to have a slow and painful miscarriage. I think once he had seen the pain I had been through, he realised he was being a bit of an ass refusing to take vitamins and not bothering about timing BD. He's now much better, he even gave up drinking during our second round of ivf recently, just to support me in not drinking. I don't know if this is really helpful, but I genuinely think they don't realise how hard the whole thing is for us- they don't get poked and prodded all the time, and our bodies are a mystery to them! Maybe try the clearblue monitor if you can afford it and are trying naturally?
Ps sex for fun whilst trying for a baby... I'm not sure that's possible... if anyone has worked out how to crack this one then please let us all know!!!!
Thank you for your reply. I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. Lots of hugs & love xxx Are you planning to have another round? I hope that your dreams come true next time xxx
Sometimes I see a moment of clarity in hubby's eyes, he suddenly sees what I see & realises how hard things are for me, I saw it when I got home from work the day after our fall-out & he's been so lovely since - in his man way of course but it's just what I need. I do feel that they forget after time though & need a gentle reminder! Maybe not in the form of a hysterical crying female just because her hubby's disposed of the goods down the loo though...!! 😂 Xxx
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