Just to give a bit of a background.. We are married for 8 yrs and have been trying for the last year. I'm 35 now with regular periods etc. In Dec we fought out hubby had a poor SA with less than 1 million and no mobility. We were advised to do icsi and in round one got 10eggs and 1 pgs normal, round 2 19 eggs and zero pgs normal. Docs kept saying since I'm 35 etc..i found inspiration from a few folks here and pushed hubby to meet an andrologist who did DNA fragmentation and found out 48pc abnormal. We also found the reason for all this was hormonal and he is under meds for the last 2 weeks. Amidst all this I have a MIL who has been pretty nice all these yrs but should is extremely doting and protective of her kids. So doting that she keeps talking about how her kids were good at everything in school etc. On one side she says guys should be tested etc and the system puts undue emphasis on women and the next day she says something else. Today she called me and said we should have waited more and tried naturally rather than go for ivf even if his SA was poor. I have been trying to tell her that with such a low count we can't get through naturally without some kind of a medication for him or ivf. It would be a miracle. Then she starts saying since I'm 35 I can't anyway get pregnant naturally.i give her example of my sister who got her first kid at 38 naturally. She then says that is a rare case. I try to tell her that if a lady has normal ovulation and a guy has normal SA they can produce a kid naturally though it may take more months after 35. I told her hubby's DNA is an issue as well as stated by his andro. She says DNA not everyone tests. Our embies not happening is also due to my age. I agree that could be true. But when we have such a clear evidence if his DNA and his doc saying that is a challenge I find it hard to talk to her.
Sorry for the long post. Today she also told me that someone told her the internet is full of wrong information and my being on all these forums is messing me up.
If not for my forums we would have never found out about the hormones issue be has!
I find it hard to deal with this excessive doting mother of my husband who changes opinions daily
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hopeful123456
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Oh dear, that is so hard. Even more so when you know they are trying to be helpful but it's just not at all. You just keep going, you know your plan. The good news is that it only takes around 3 months to produce new sperm so hopefully they will balance out from the hormone treatment quickly and you can put your plan into action (so to speak). Big hugs lovely. There are so many people out there with unhelpful opinions. Xx
Really hard situation as she is family. I'd be tempted to just nod and say 'yes' and try to avoid answering questions too much so she gets the hint that you don't want to talk to her about it but I understand that isn't always possible and you won't want to cause anymore stress. As Camillage says - keep going. You know your plan and that's the one you're sticking to xx
Thanks dear... I need to keep saying that daily a million times
That's so difficult. Unless you've been through it no one really understands. There are so many tiny little steps that have to align to get pregnant which for the majority of people just happens but for those of us with fertility issue the problem could be one of many things or several of many things so thorough investigation is required unfortunately the NHS is limited to what it can do due to finances so only does what will benefit the majority which is understandable.
I know so many people who have gotten pregnant natural into their 40's - including my mum and grandma (no pressure for me!). Anyway it take two and she shouldn't be trying to assign blame. I don't know what to say about dealing with MIL. If possible maybe a little space could help to keep you sanity.....
That is right. She has been telling me about how she got her uterus removed after two kids since she gets pregnant pretty fast. Now she was married at 20 and had kids by 21 and 28 with her hubby having no other issues. She feels very proud of her getting pregnant fast! I know she doesn't mean it but it really punches me
Thanks... We went to a wedding in another town recently and on the way we had to make multiple stops to see the places around. The day we landed there the clinic called with the results of no pgs normal embryos. I felt like just sleeping in the room all day. During lunch MIL suddenly got some enthusiasm to take pics. She knew of the results and was quite upset herself. But all of a sudden she recovered and took pics. Apparently I was not joyously smiling in each pic and she was forcing me to smile for the pics. I wondered how can she do this to me. It has been hardly a few hours since I got those results. How can she complain of my not smiling? I felt really bad and just told her to stop taking my pics. It just is turning our good relationship pretty sour.
I think she probably doesn’t want to believe her son can’t naturally conceive clutching at anything she hears or reads. I think u know what needs to be done what’s best for u both. The age thing loads of my friends have had babies in their late 30’s naturally, Ive conceived 3 times in a year sadly all mc but still can conceive and will hopefully get a baby.
You are right. But I try to reason out and try to be understanding but some days just get the better of me. She sends me his baby pics and asks me to imagine that something similar will be born..a baby who looks like him . The feminist in me cringes a bit but I know she is trying to help.
She doesn’t understand how it hurts I don’t think she’s doing it on purpose just not thinking. My mam sometimes says things i don’t like or agree with I let things side if I can’t be bother to argue and roll my eyes lol or I do make my point parents aren’t always right when they have no real clue what your going through.
It sounds to me like you have been very forthcoming about your situation. Probably more than I would be, even if she is your MIL. It sounds like she can't accept her son has a problem and so I think you should just ignore her pressure and tell her the bare minimum from now on.
It's hard enough going through fertility issues without having someone bombard you with pressure and cute baby pics - like it's your choice it's been so hard to conceive. You don't need that and she's over-stepping the mark.
You and your husband keep supporting one another and hopefully his sperm will improve with the hormones. Wishing you lots of luck. Don't blame yourself and don't let other people feel like you are somehow responsible.
Thanks you so much...i generally used to believe that we need to be forthcoming with family. But this experience has taught me a lot of lessons and being wise with one's choice if sharing your story is a biggest lesson.
Gosh its so exhausting with people chipping in their "helpful" NOT comments but even harder when it's family & you can't escape. My MIL has come out with some crackers whilst we have been having treatment. All the more so when she hasn't even begun to understand what anything means. We've just decided not to tell her too much now and sort of avoid the subject which works for the best part as she doesn't live near us. I'm not sure how to deal with your situation but I'd just keep changing the subject and see if she gets the message!xx
Sorry that your mother in law is stressing you out. Mother in laws can be very frustrating!!! My mother in law has been very annoying since I became pregnant after a 7 year struggle & 3 surgeries to treat endometriosis ( it became worse after my miscarriage in 2017) First of all she was declaring how much she wanted the baby to be a girl much to our annoyance as we were just grateful to be having a baby 🙄 now she knows it’s a girl she is full of how what will we do if next time we have a boy seeing as everything I have brought is pink🙄 she doesn’t seem to comprehend there won’t be a next time or have any idea of how much we went through to become pregnant or how bad my endometriosis is & how lucky we were to fall after it was treated properly by an endo surgeon 🙄 my hubby has told her time & again 🙄 we are really happy just to be having one baby we count ourselves as incredibly lucky compared to others in this tough process.It’s very frustrating & if she doesn’t stop her insensitive & thoughtless comments I’m not sure how much time we will spend with her when our daughter is born. My mum although never experienced infertility completely understands why we don’t want to do this again & is so full of wonderful it is that we are having a baby after such a struggle she calls our baby a complete miracle 😍
Women do have babies over 35 I’m 37 & 29 weeks pregnant. So your mother in law is a bit out of date. It’s becoming increasingly common to have babies over 35.
I can’t offer much advice over your hubbys sperm ( as ours was my endometriosis) but definitely doing the right thing by following the advice of medics. We have to be guided by the professionals.
Perhaps not have discussions with her over treatment & keep it brief by saying it’s going well. Some people unfortunately will never understand the infertility struggles. I am sure she means well but if her comments are upsetting you you definitely don’t need additional stress this process is difficult enough.
The main thing is you & hubby are on the same wavelength. This is your journey & together you will get through this ❤️✨
As for the forums I found this site a lifetime. It was so helpful for me to have others understand what we were going through & the support I got from here kept me fighting ❤️
Wishing you the best with your journey & hope you get happy news soon ✨💗👶🏻 xoxo
Sorry that you're having this problem. Family sometimes is not helpful. I know is hard but try to prioritise you and your partner. It's your decision and your issues, she doesn't need to know all the things you're doing. You're well informed. I try to be vague in my answers when I don't want people to know or to give me a opinions that wasn't asked. You can always say that you don't feel comfortable discussing this stuff with her. Big hug, hope things get better.
Deep breath, smile, nod and maybe try to avoid discussing it too much with her? It doesn't matter how much you explain, you won't change her opinion so let it go, you and hubby keep working toward your goal based on actual science!! and hopefully sometime soon she'll be chipping in with unwanted pregnancy advice xxx
I wouldn’t entertain a topic of conversation that you don’t see eye to eye on, that’s difficult but it will make your life so much easier. She’s not a health professional but I would agree that sometimes over googling things isn’t good. This forum has been great and sometimes can offer nuggets of advise, this is the only one that I’ve found helpful but still, I try not to look into it too much as Everyone’s infertility journey is so unique. I hope things get easier for you but my biggest bit of advice I can offer is to keep your journey between you and your partner and don’t always look to the internet for the answers, my clinic tell me this too, it can sometimes send your mind into overdrive unnecessarily. Good luck with everything xxxx
Hi hun, I think you should say to your MIL that may you don’t want to hear all these stories...
I was clear with my family when we told them that I didn’t want too many questions, this is already difficukt as this is! And yes, even if they are family, this is difficult to imagine what you are going through, unless you lived it!
Last, you are not old! So stop focusing on that! We started trying for a baby after 35 and you will find lots of examples of women in this forum who got pregnant even after 40! So be positive and good luck with everything!
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