Advice on a sensitive situation...

[cliff80]

Hi,

This is my first post on here and I need some advice. I had a failed FET in August. Since then I have tried to be very positive about future IVF rounds and have decided to try (hard as it is) to live life without everything being dominated by the process of trying to have a baby. In the last few weeks I have found out that my best friend is pregnant with her 2nd child. In a phone conversation with her, she became very upset to me about her concerns over her 12 week scan and the potential for bad results at this stage of her pregnancy. I ended up having to console her that everything would be ok. (my negative pregnancy test was a few weeks before this which she knew about). She has since been texting me about her baby's test results.

I am really hurt by her lack of consideration for me and she clearly sn't tryng to understand the devastation of a failed IVF at all and how I may be feeling. I need to sort it out with her, and tell her how I feel but am worried about sounding resentful or jealous.

Has anyone got any suggestions on how to tackle this, I don't even feel like I can speak to her at the moment.

Thanks x

[E_05]

Sorry you find yourself in this situation, it's so difficult. I would suggest if you can to be honest with your friend although it can be hard to understand if you haven't been through this journey, if she's a good friend she will at least try to have more consideration.

I think if she doesn't then you may have to think about that's right for you and if they means distancing yourself a little then you need to put yourself first.

This is a great place to be able to talk to people who 'get it' though and the things your feeling are totally normal xx

[cliff80 in reply to E_05]

Thanks so much, you are right, honesty is probably the best policy! x

[E_05 in reply to cliff80]

It can be a hard conversation to have though, my friend fell pregnant 2 years ago and I didn't tell her what I was going through I ended up distancing myself as a way of coping and we grew apart which I regretted. We have recently got back in contact but I wish now I'd been more honest for the beginning. Lots of luck for when you speak to her xx

[NMP1026]

Hey hun

Sorry you are facing this. It is so difficult! I've had a few issues of my own when we had just got my OH's diagnosis my BF tried to phone me several times and then sent through a text with a positive pregnancy test and 101 smiley faces. Then just after our 1st failed round my brothers girlfriend turned up to a family party with a 14 week bump. I couldn't keep it together! This can be a tough and lonely journey but I truly believe honesty is the best policy. A lot of people just don't "get it" but if she is a true friend try and talk to her. I'm sure if the roles were reversed you would want to know how it was making her feel. Please don't be too hard on yourself though. This is a tough journey and it's not how we feel but the consequences of awful circumstances. We are all here for you. Sending you hugs. Good luck xxx

[StephyBuch]

Sorry to hear about your failed FET! It's really a hard time for you and handling this situation seeing others getting pregnant as easy as a making a pie is unbearable. However, think from a different perspective - be it IVF or natural pregnancy even the slightest odds tend to send would be moms in a panic attack. Who could be a better thunder buddy at these times that your bestie? Take it from a mother who've struggled to get pregnant too, the first thing I would do is share my happiness with my bestie. Maybe she is just doing the same and you're being a little unreasonable here.

It's up to you whether you want to channel all the BFPs around as a hope or dive deep into your own devastation because someone else is having a baby. We do wish all the struggling women in here have a baby right? We can't wait to see them fight through their infertility and try draw strength from it. Why be any different to people around us then? Just like you said, there's more of life beyond the heart-wrecking infertility, and only happiness can overshadow what you're feeling right now. Imagine the whole world mourning along with you, will you be able to find hope in it?

Think about it!

[Yammie1973]

Having been through this exact situation except for failed FET, I sat down and hand wrote a lovely and tboughtful letter, in draft first, and explained that while I was fully supportive of her and her new pregnancy and concerns, could she please spare a thought for others around her for whom the option of conception and pregnancy is not such an easy journey. That I wasn't falling out with her but it is a difficult situation to be in and at times I would have to reserve time for my own feelings and could she have a little patience with me....having mailed the letter, I firmly left the option of contact in her court. After some time, she did contact me. I'm not saying that it solved the issues but she was definitely more aware of how I felt. Give it a try, you never know, it might just make the relationship stronger. I always hand write letters as it gives me time to construct my thoughts and feelings into a coherent form.

Hope that it helps

[Tango789]

If it makes you feel better one of my closest friendsasked me a few years ago if i wanted to attend the birth of herchild in case I never got to experience having a baby myself! She conceived her at the time of my second failed ivf attempt and I had tried to be as positiveas I could but was pretty fed up! She is the lovliest person in the world though and just couldn't understand how tough ivf is. A year later after our 3rd round of IVF I had a baby girl and she was so supportive. We are godparents to each other's children now. I guess it is a case of being honest with her but sensitive too. She is obviously having a stressful time but doesn't realise that she is expecting a bit nuch from you right now. Be gentle. It will make your friendship stronger. Hope it all works out for you both, and you are totally right to stay positive. Live life, have faith. Xxx

[Lynnr54]

It is tough being around others who are pregnant when it's so hard to conceive yourself. Was your friend supportive of you when you had your failed IVF? To me, this doesn't feel like the usual case of being wrapped up in pregnancy without sparing a second thought for what you're going through like some friends can do. I suspect that at the moment if she has concerns about her own pregnancy it's all she can think about and is wanting some support from you without genuinely realising how that is making you feel. If you were to get a BFP and then have the same concerns would you look to her for support? If you don't feel like you're able to be there for her at the the moment though then I think you do need to be able to talk to her about it and explain rather than just drift apart. I think you need to choose your moment to do it carefully though or she may not be in the right frame of mind to listen (I don't know where she is with the test process but for example, I wouldn't do it the day before she she was due results). You also need to work out how much you want to be there for her e.g so you can say to her please tell me when you get your results but please don't text me about it every day in the lead up to it otherwise you risk her not knowing what she can and can't say to you and drifting apart anyway.

[MonkAK]

Hi there, I am going through a similar situation to you at the moment, but from the other side. One of my best friends has been going through IVF for years and had many unsuccessful attempts. We have just had our little girl after a successful 2nd attempt and I am finding it really hard to know how far to involve my friend as I feel really guilty that it worked for us and bad for her that it hasn't. On one hand, I don't want to rub her face in it, but at the same time I don't want to not involve her or invite her to come and meet the baby etc. for fear that this might also upset her. Personally, if she were to tell me one way or the other what I could do to avoid upsetting her, I would not take it at all badly and would do whatever I can to make it easier for her. I guess what I'm saying is, just be honest, but also be aware that your friend may not be being thoughtless at all, she may just think that being open with you and not treating you any differently to how she would anyway is the best way to be.

Wishing you all the best and I hope you manage to sort it out with your friend. Xx

[Lynnr54 in reply to MonkAK]

Hi MonkAK, congratulations on the birth of your little girl! I just wanted to say that it sounds like you're being really sensitive to your friend. I'm also in a similar situation with my sister. I had successful IVF 2 years ago and am just about to undergo a FET to try for a second whilst she is currently on the waiting list for her first round of IVF. So like you, I've been on both sides of the situation and it is difficult to be sensitive about it. If I were you I'd ask your friend and tell her that you understand it might be difficult for her and let her be the guide in how much she does/doesn't want to be involved. Sometimes my sister disappears for a bit or doesn't respond to something Ive put on the family Whatsapp about my LO and I take that to mean she needs some time out so let her be the one to get back in touch with me when she's ready. You've nothing to feel guilty about though and I'm sure that she is happy for you. Enjoy getting to know your daughter!

[Hidden]

Hi Cliff80

I had similar situations with two friends. One had just had a baby when I got my diagnosis about not conceiving naturally and was constantly sharing baby pics .The baby was born prematurely and I understood they were happy she was OK.but I had to be brave and speak out about the insensitivity .my friend understood and apologized.

Just recently aftery bfn another friend shared the news they would be having twins. I shared my bfn news and my friend thought it would cheer me up to know they were having twins. I spoke up and asked how exactly their happy news was supposed to cheer me up. I told her off and she backed off. She understood.

Now we are cool. We talk about the pregnancy when I ask and I explained to both my friends that it was too soon for them to expect me to be happy for them when I'm struggling with not having a child of my own.

I'm afraid you just have to speak up otherwise your friend won't know she's being insensitive.

I'm really sorry for your bfn.hoping for a better outcome next time.

[7AVA]

Hi, I'm sorry you feel your friend is being insensitive. I am not the best person to advise as I tend to just distance myself from friends who become pregnant as it's too painful. This doesn't sound like an option you want to follow so here's another suggestion. I sent this leaflet to a very good friend of mine when her messages about her new baby became too unbearable...fertilitynetworkuk.org/for-... I really didn't know how she would react and felt it could have been the end of the friendship but she thanked me for helping her to understand and has made things a lot better between us. Although it's still painful, I can now ask for updates and photos of her little one. Empathy goes a long way and it's so hard for people who haven't gone through this as primary infertility to understand. I hope this difficult time becomes easier for you both and ultimately makes you closer as friends so that when you (hopefully) get your bfp she can share in your happiness xxx