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[Letty11]

I am 35 and have a 7 year old son. My husband and I have been trying for a second child for 4 years and have had no luck. I became pregnant within 3 months of us trying for our first, so am really struggling.

I have a c-section and infection having my son, but I have had every blood and hormone test going now and had a HSG recently. All came back "normal". My husband's sperm results were also "normal". EVERYTHING is apparently "normal", apart from the glaringly obvious: I am still NOT pregnant.

I have seen a consultant and am looking to have Clomid, once shifting some weight to fit within the NHS guidlines. We will not be offered IVF on the NHS as we already have a child. I am hoping to start Clomid this December, but am already feeling negative about it after reading side effects. I also feel I am the one holding everything up now because I don't fit into a certain box on a bmi chart. It's not that much weight (less than a stone), but it still makes me feel down.

I feel reluctant to go for private IVF because of the cost and how £6000 could be better spent on the child we already have.

Today, I began clearing out some of my son's baby things that I hoarded for baby number two, to give to a friend that recently had a baby. It has hit me hard that a sibling has still not appeared and I have had to stop sorting things and close up the cupboards again. After 4 years, I thought I could face it, but it's never ending. I feel useless.

The amount of people that say, "at least you have one" and "it'll happen when you stop thinking about it" is getting more and more. My son often asks when he's going to have a baby brother or sister too. I can't escape the questions.

[Petricker]

So sorry! feels like you are living through a nightmare and I understand why you are so depressed. There is no perfect remedy to make you pregnant and I dunno what to recmmend you but what is obvious for me is that you don't need to give up halfway. try everthing you can or more if needed. Maybe diet and clomid will make it. I hope you'll have changes, honestly

P.S. don't take someone's words to heart and don't blame them because they just don't know what is going on inside of your mind and they aren't able to understand you. Be kind to yourself. keep updating xxx

[Letty11 in reply to Petricker]

Thank you. It means so much when someone understands the ridiculous range of emotions that go along with infertility of any kind.x

[deborahgsloan Volunteer]

Dear Letty11

Thank you for your message and for waiting for our reply.

Firstly, thank you for describing your feelings about a subject that is often left sitting on the edge of fertility issues. Secondary fertility issues are painful and deserve the same attention as any other fertility experience.

There are two main things that strike me when I read your post – that perhaps you feel your understandable frustration and sadness at not conceiving a second child is unacknowledged and not understood, and secondly, that you might be ‘holding’ the burden of responsibility for not getting pregnant a second time.

The impact of not being able to conceive second or subsequent children can be very under-estimated. The sense of loss at not being able to create the family you planned or dreamed of can become overwhelming. The feeling that ‘it happened last time so why not now’ can lead to frustration and anger that, ultimately can be directed towards oneself. So your feelings are valid and understandable and, as you have experienced, can’t be salved by being told to appreciate the child you have or to stop thinking about it.

The fact you’ve had to ‘close the cupboards’ whilst sorting the baby things perhaps points to the depth of sadness you are feeling. So you are not useless; you are human and feeling some very strong emotions. It’s okay to leave the cupboards closed until you are ready to face that task.

I often find that in couples, one person feels that they ‘hold’ the responsibility for not getting pregnant. But it is not any one person’s responsibility. It can be helpful for couples to check in with each other – to listen to each other’s experience of what is going on. Very often, in the stress and busyness of fertility treatment, it can be easy to forget communicating with each other and to assume you know how the other partner feels. Questions from your son might heighten your sense of ‘responsibility’ and urgency. Perhaps talking with your husband about a joint strategy for responding to your son’s questions might relieve some of your individual sense of burden.

Sadly, it does seem that there is still a taboo associated with expressing the feelings and emotions relating to secondary fertility difficulties. Society’s inability to acknowledge the emotional and physical impact of these difficulties can lead to self-criticism and self-judging. Perhaps by telling yourself what you would tell a friend in your position might allow you to be kind to yourself and to honour your very understandable feelings and emotions and the resilience it takes to go through this life experience.

I wonder if you can find a friend or family member who will just listen to you. Sometimes, it helps to say that you don’t need advice and that you just need someone to listen to and acknowledge your feelings. Very often, other people feel pressured to ‘fix’ the problem – so they (perhaps unintentionally) brush aside difficult feelings, as they don’t know how to respond to them. If you give them permission to NOT find a solution it can help them to be more responsive to your sadness.

Finally, if your feelings become overwhelming, it might be helpful to consider counselling. Some clinics provide one or more sessions of counselling and if you feel you’d benefit from some counselling, it might be worth investigating. A list of specialist fertility counsellors can be found at bica.net.

I hope this is helpful. If you have any other questions or need further support, please do feel free to post again.

Kind wishes

Deborah

FNUK Volunteer Counsellor

[Letty11 in reply to deborahgsloan]

Thank you so much for that. What you said makes a lot of sense and I can admit that I had taken it upon myself to hold the responsibility of not providing a sibling for my son.

After I read your response, I made a conscious effort to try not to focus the blame on myself. It was hard, but once I realised this was beyond my control, I did feel a bit better. I even cleared out some of the baby things and donated them to a friend who’d recently given birth. It was certainly tough, handing things over but the release I felt afterwards made me realise the pressure I had put on myself.

I continued visiting the consultant (who could still find no reason for the secondary infertility) and was prescribed 50mg of Clomid in Dec, after dropping some weight.

And this is the bit that I still can’t believe: it worked! First round of Clomid and I’m pregnant! Whether it was the Clomid or my new outlook, I wanted to say thank you to you for making me think about our situation and to stop holding the blame. I genuinely believe it helped.

It’s still early days but I have already had an early scan and things are looking good.

Thank you again.

[ClarabGlasgow in reply to Letty11]

That is amazing! Perhaps I shall ask dr to consider this for me. I have the same problem. Congratulations x

[deborahgsloan Volunteer]

Dear Letty 11, apologies for not seeing your response earlier. It is a pleasure to have been of help and I am so pleased to hear your news. I hope all continues to be well. Thank you for taking the time to get back to me. Warm wishes Deborah