Trying for a second baby

I know that some may think 'you've had a baby, be happy with one' and I am so thankful and aware of how lucky I am to have one but my desire to have a second baby is as strong as it can be and I'm heartbroken every month it doesn't happen just like all the ladies here who are trying to conceive their first. I have the same 'stomach drop' feeling when someone else announces their pregnant and the feeling of confusion as to why it's not happening, I watch my child playing and I'm desperate for them to have a sibling to play with. We conceived naturally straight away with our first but we have now been trying for a year and a half and have had one miscarriage. We've had tests done but they all seem normal and nothing else has really changed since the first time around. Is anyone else here in the same position as me?

26 Replies

  • Hi Box01. Secondary infertility can be a nightmare too. Perhaps time to be referred, due to the fact you had a miscarriage. You may need to have your Fallopian tubes checked, just in case - if not already done. Hope all ends well for you. Diane

  • Hello, I spoke to an NHS doctor, who I was told was knowledgeable in fertility and she said because I'd fallen pregnant that it meant that my fallopian tubes shouldn't be blocked, she said even if one side was blocked my egg would be released from the other side. I was, at the time, waiting to have a hycosy, but stopped with that. I'm now thinking of having a consultation with a private doctor to see if they could do any further tests, do you think it's worth doing trying the hycosy?

  • Hi. Definitely, just in case any damage occurred following the miscarriage. Good luck. Diane

  • Thank you. I'll mention it to the doctor. Xx

  • Hi Box01, I conceived naturally with my 1st child and have been trying for baby #2 for 2 years. I had a HSG in April and was told 1 of my Fallopian tubes was blocked. When I had a lap & dye the surgeon discovered both my tubes were blocked. I would definitely see if you can have the hycosy.

  • Hi, sorry about that! secondary infertility is always hard. Frankly I don't know much about that because we were trying for our first baby so long with no go. We used to undergo lots of tests so I believe you must do the same. Unfortunately we couldn't get pregnant naturally and was forced to use an egg donation. Not the best thing in the world I must say. Anyway, only doctor could tell what is going on with you. So don't waste your time with no go cycles

    p.s Have you already had any examination? how old is your first baby?

  • So sorry for your troubles, it's so unfair, and so upsetting. I've had internal examinations and they say everything seems fine. The fact that I've fallen pregnant (twice although one I miscarried) seem to baffle doctors more as they say I should be able to fall pregnant again but we are fast approaching 2 years and it's not getting any easier to manage expectations of on myself or the confusion as to why.

    I am very lucky but it's sometimes hard to appreciate how lucky I am when I'm in a monthly cycle of hope, disappointed, envy (at all my mummy friends having second, third children) and then guilt for not being happy and contented with what I've got.

  • oh, I understand you very well. I was diagnosed with immune issues and they told me i have no chances with my eggs. That's why were forced to try egg donation as I have said before. I had 3 miscarriages and I thought i would never feel the happiness of a motherhood.

    Well if everything is ok, there are no worries about.. i suppose it's just stress. You know sometimes people do really want to have babies and they can't.. what if you stop for a while, what do you think about that? Have you heard something about social infertility? What you family think about your case?

    in other case, if you can't get pregnant will you use any reproductive treatment? oops, you didn't answer how old is your baby?

  • Hey

    I havent even had 1 yet but i pray it all works out well for u. Just dont give up hope and stop trying. It took my mum couple if years for the next child so dnt worry it will happen just may take some time xx

  • Thank you and I hope for you too. I know it's so hard. I've spoken to people who I meet who now have children and they say they didn't think they'd ever have their own, one lady even adopted but is now pregnant with her second birth child so it does happen xx

  • Hi, I also suffered from secondary infertility. I'm currently 11 weeks 3 days pregnant after having IVF ICSI at a private clinic.

    I understand how you feel & they are perfectly valid emotions. We were in the same position, conceived naturally 1st time & then struggled for years for a second. There was no real change in circumstances either so unexplained secondary infertility was the diagnosis.

    Please feel free to message me to chat if you feel like it. Take care xxx

  • Hello, I'll message you. Xxx

  • I'm in a kind of similar position, although we had to go through ICSI for our first so it's not secondary infertility. But the desire to have a second child is completely normal. I too feel exceptionally lucky to have mine, especially after being in this forum for a couple of years and seeing the journeys some of these lovely ladies have been through. I'm just about to embark on my second journey (FET to start with) and praying that is successful too.

    I have a couple of friends suffering secondary infertility and it is frustrating for them seeing as they had no problems conceiving first time round. It seems to be a strange thing that hasn't yet been fully explained by the medical profession. Although you hear plenty of stories about couples having IVF first time round after trying everything only to fall pregnant naturally second time round. So pregnancy does appear to change our bodies.

    Anyway, just wanted to say that if you do go through IVF for your second one then you'll get plenty of advice on here. Good luck with it all!

  • Thank you for replying, sorry to hear you had the journey of IVF first time around. I was incredibly lucky first time around, it has almost given me unrealistic expectations the second time around which has meant a huge learning curve and I've put a lot of pressure of myself thinking it would just 'happen' as it did before. It's very hard, as well you know. I'm going back to my NHS to see if there is any medication they can offer and I'm booking a private consultation to see what they would suggest. Hopefully they meet in the middle for medication and if that doesn't work I'll be going down the IVF route. Thank you xx

  • I know what you mean about unrealistic expectations. I was exceptionally lucky that my first round of IVF worked (strange how our definition of lucky changes depending on what you've been through!) and as a result I think I've probably got too high an expectation that my FET will work first time! Hopefully you will find medication to help and won't need to go for full IVF!

  • I am in exactly the same boat and have now decided to try IVF which we are due to start next month. My daughter is 3.5yrs & that has been my only pregnancy which happened very fast. Same as you I have been driving myself insane trying and failing each month. Emotions are all over the place, controlled mid month then in bits each time af arrives . Feel free to pm me xx

  • I'm the same, I can keep it together throughout the month but then as 'judgement day' gets close and eventually arrives I'm just in a mess. I'm exhausted with the whole cycle of hope, heartbreak and the guilt of my son growing up without the sibling we are so desperate for him to have. Have you tried any medication? Part of me thinks just keep going, it will eventually happen but then what if it doesn't and then another year goes past and I think I should have started IVF last year. The cost of IVF is eye watering as well. It's very hard but in the same breath I have so much to be thankful for.

  • I do not have any babies yet, but I know how you feel. I feel like shit sometimes. This is horribly stressful and painful. I'm glad you have a beautiful baby. Life without siblings can be very boring. I have two sisters and I wish that when I can have my first baby, I can have much more.

    I do not have a diagnosis yet, we've only tried it naturally. My doctor told me to relax and that will happen. My mother had my older sister and me very fast, but with my younger sister it took almost two years. I do not know, things work differently, I'm just sure that infertility sucks and I hate it.

    I send you my best wishes.


  • I think any infertility- primary, secondary, whatever - is a horrible thing to go through and something no one can understand until they're living it. I had IVF to conceive my son (no fertility probs found and I'd had a miscarriage so in theory could get pregnant but in practice couldn't). We really wanted a sibling for him so started trying when he was just 9 months old and by a miracle fell pregnant the first month of trying!! Me, pregnant at first attempt, we couldn't believe it!! Unfortunately we were devastated to lose the baby at nearly 16 weeks. From then we had 16 months of heartbreak each month when I couldn't conceive, but finally fell pregnant after 17 long, emotional, draining months. You're doing the right thing going to the docs, but keep trying in the meantime - as soul destroying as it is, but you never know.... xx

  • Ahhh your story is so heartfelt, I really feel your pain, adulation, grief, disbelief, joy. It's such a roller-coaster, one that you can't get off even if you hate it. Do you feel you did anything different in the month you fell pregnant? I feel pregnant but miscarried at 8 weeks in March but I don't feel anything was different which enabled me to fall pregnant.

    We will keep trying even though sometimes I think it would be nice to 100% know there's no possibility of me being pregnant because then I won't give myself hope... And then I won't feel the heartbreak when I find out I'm not pregnant.

    You're experience has given me hope that maybe, just maybe, with a bit of luck I may eventually fall pregnant without IVF, although if I try and convince myself it's not going happen without IVF maybe I won't have the hope/heartbreak roundabout. Round and round in circles i go 😢

    Very happy it's happened for you, hopefully you are able to enjoy being pregnant (if you're still pregnant) and are starting to believe its real. Xxx

  • I was convinced I wouldn't get pregnant naturally, but it didn't stop the train hitting me each month when I got my period. Human nature I guess, no matter what we do to desensitise ourselves it's still there under the surface. Good luck with your journey, in my experience no expert ever said I couldn't conceive and they never said I would either, I got very few answers which was very frustrating just to go on and on each month with no pregnancy - I half wanted something to be wrong and then at least it could be put right, or at least I could understand why I couldn't conceive. I'm currently 28 weeks now and have told a smattering of people and as I'm still petrified that something bad could happen and take it all away - but so far all gone really well so fingers crossed that continues. Good luck with whatever you decide to do and I hope you fall pregnant very soon xx

  • P.S did absolutely noting different the month I fell pregnant. In the past I'd taken all kinds of supplements, bought chemical free beauty and cleaning products and nearly bankrupted myself on months and months of acupuncture. For about 6 months I did none of that and just ate and drank as a 'normal' person! X

  • I can totally relate to your comparison to finding out every month your not pregnant like a 'Training hitting me'. I'm so happy that you seem to be doing well, although I can totally understand you not believing it yet, I don't think I'd believe I was pregnant until I was actually holding my baby. I will keep plodding on whilst trying to make steps I case it doesn't happen. I've waiting for a year and a half for it to happen and I don't want to wait another year and a half and then say 'why did I wait'?

    I'll keep everything crossed for you xx

  • I am so pleased that you have wrote this. I am going through the same thing. We had our LG after a FET following a failed round of ICSI. I have just started my buserelin injections to go through another FET. I know we are so lucky that our treatment worked but I am really struggling this time. I have also had that 'stomach drop' when hearing of other pregnancies. This is our last go as we can't afford another round of treatment and the thought of it not working absolutely devastates me. I have been feeling so guilty for these feelings but you have reassured me that others feel this too. I hope things work out for you and you are able to add to your family xxx

  • Of course you are thankful for having the one child but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt when more are hard to come by.

  • I know this post is a few months old but just wanted to say I know how you feel. We were extremely lucky to conceive our little boy through ICSI and after three years of trying, it was such an emotional and special time. I almost convinced myself it was all over but now we’ve come back to try for a second it’s like all the old wounds have been opened up and I’m back in that dark place while others around me continue to fall pregnant. So far we’ve had a failed FET and will now need to go through the whole process again for a fresh cycle. You can’t help but feel guilty when you have such a precious little miracle already, but it’s not about not appreciating what you’ve got. Every day I think about how lucky we are to have him, but never underestimate the power of the maternal instinct and the need to have a baby, even if you already have one. I so want to give him a sibling if I can. If we reach the end of the road and can’t conceive another then so be it, but we’re not there yet and each failure is just as devastating - it’s still loss and overwhelming grief regardless of existing children.

    I also just wanted to say as it’s unexplained right now that it could well be an issue with your partner. We tried for years having been given the all clear on his sperm by the NHS and I went through so many invasive investigations to see what was wrong with me. Even though they didn’t find anything we just assumed it was me that was the problem, women are always presumed to be the issue for some reason. I took all the supplements, followed a healthy lifestyle, had acupuncture etc and my husband refused even to take the supplements I bought for him. When we got to the fertility clinic the first thing they did was check his sperm and it came back with 100% anti-sperm antibodies, making our chances at natural conception slim to none. I really felt our precious time had been wasted focusing on me when there was such a simple test that could have been done, we would be two years ahead if they’d bothered to even let us know this was a possibility. Just wanted to make you aware of the possibility so the same thing doesn’t happen to you. Wishing you the best of luck in your journey xxx

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