Nurse phoned this afternoon and it was a BFN. I know I pretty much expected it but I suppose I still clung onto an inkling of hope.
I just feel so disappointed. I was really hopeful for this cycle.. maybe it would be third time lucky, maybe because it was a FET it would work as my body would be in better shape for the transfer, maybe my Dad who I lost last year would be looking down on me, maybe because I'd had all my endometriosis cleared out now my body could cope better with it, maybe we just deserved some bloody luck after the worst year ever last year..... I mean, why WOULDN'T it work this time?!
Well, it didn't work. And I jus need to face up to it. I just feel so disappointed in myself, I feel awful for my husband. ALL our friends have children now. He is the only one left in his group of friends who doesn't. Every week I cringe at a new 'announcement' and I've just become bitter now. I don"t want to socialise any more. I feel so alienated.
So what's next? I just don't know if I can go through a fourth round and certainly not until I know why everything has failed so far. Three rounds of IVF and a miscarriage from a natural pregnancy. There's clearly something not right.
Then there's the cost... because I fell pregnant naturally last January after the first two rounds we lost our funding for any more so we have to pay now. I don't think there's much point wasting £5k + when it is more than likely going to fail. I am 40 next Feb so the chances of it working now are slim to none.
Sorry for the 'rant', I just needed to vent as I'm stuck at work the rest of the day having to put on a brave face and stay positive for everyone like I always do when all I want to do is burst into tears. I don't want to play any more... I want to go home, get into bed and never have to face the world again!
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Cazo
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I'm so sorry to read this, it is just so bloody unfair, and you do deserve some good luck, life can just be an utter shit. I think you should take the rest of the day off, go home and have a very large glass of wine with your OH x be kind to yourself, it's just shit, but as you know the drill (sadly we do) you'll pick yourself back up when the time is right for you xxx
So sorry for you Cazo, it's so cruel and devastating 😔 reading this is spookily similar to reading my own story and in fact I have previously wrote similar things.
I too have endo and I just know it's that that is preventing this happening for us (although not all Doctors's would necessarily agree, like you say something isn't right) I have had 4 failed cycles, the last one ending in a chemical pregnancy, despite doing a number of things to try and aid success.
I'm also the only one of my friends without children (most have two or three) and I'm 40 in January so being realistic that it's unlikely to work. I know my consultant thinks I should have another laparoscopy if I wanted to do another cycle (which I don't) but that's a hell of a lot to go through, for still no guarantee of success..as you have very sadly found 😢
Hubby and I have done a lot of soul searching and talking and we are now pursuing adoption. I know that's definitely not for everyone but I honestly can't put us through any more treatment and heartache. Especially like you say with the cost factor too, we just don't have that kind of money to spend on such a huge gamble.
I really hope you will be ok and I'm sending huge hugs, you definitely deserve to go home and hunker down..you are stronger than me to face work! You are definitely not alone though, I hope that's some comfort xxx
Thank you and I'm really sorry to hear you're in the same situation. It's so heartbreaking. As much as I wouldn't wish this upon anyone it is comforting to know there are other people out there in a similar situation then you don't feel so alone.
Good luck with the adoption process and really goid on you. It has crossed my mind but I just don't know if I could go it so really admire anyone who does. Someone I know did it and it's a very tough thing to go through but they have two lovely children from it. One of my difficulties is my husband being in the military so I don't think that's looked upon very favourably due to the instability of it, always moving etc. It's a tough one!
I'm going to book a follow up with the clinic and see what they suggest but I imagine my next step may be NK cells testing, even if just to get some answers.
Good luck with everything and keep in touch as I'd love to hear how you get on x
Thank you. Still in work unfortunately, I had people booked in for travel nong sessions and don't lime to let anyone down. Not working tomorrow bar an evening spin class but at least I can actually do it now rather than have to pretend I'm injured! x
I was really sad reading your post...you have been through so much and valiantly fought on, so not to get your longed for positive is beyond cruel!
I am so sorry and hope you will both begin to feel stronger in time - definitely do try take some time out. You have experienced very real loss and deserve the time and space to work through it. Thinking of you xxx
Hugs miss lady majority know and have felt how you are feeling right now...
Just read your post and wanted to say how sorry I am. You absolutely deserve a break and a happy ending. Life can really be unfair and I just hope things work out for you in the end. In the meantime, put yourself first. X
So sorry to hear your news. It is such a journey that we all go on and take your time to think about what you want to do. As the woman it is so difficult because we feel this heavy weight of treatment, drugs etc and that we are letting down our husbands and then they feel hopeless also because they can't do anything. Emotions are all over the place and maybe trying to have a couple days away from work, just have some time to yourself xx take care xx
So so sorry to read this Cazo Hope you start to feel better about this soon and feel strong enough to move forwards wether that be IVF again or maybe donor eggs or adoption wishing you all the best. xxx
I pray that it works for u and u get pregnant. I knw ppl say its ok to have a life without kids and to focus on other things but when u really want something u just reallly want it so other options are not ones we want to consider. I suggest - never give up hope, keep trying naturally too, go on a holiday and chill out a bit. All this trying etc is exhausting. Wish u all the best xx
I'm so sorry to read this . Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I know exactly how you feel. My word of advice is to never give up on your dream . You have a right to hold you baby in your arms just like we all do. All the things your feeling is so normal. We have all felt this way. Send loads of hugs and chocolate icecream xxxx
I am really sorry, Cazo. I know how it feels when the hope is also the source of pain and dissapointment and there is simply no best attitude to face It all... When you dislike yourself for not being fully happy with your friends announcements...
When I think about it I just try to visualize what might still work, like adoption or surrogancy. I just think of me as an old woman, probably at the end I will see that things didn't work that bad and I will see my life with joy. So, in the meantime, I try to take advantage of the situation and enjoy the no-children life while still expect something will happen... Doesn't work all the time, but gives me some opportunity to breath and smile.
Cazo I am so so sorry for your news. I know I don't know you but I really know what it feels like and Im sending you my love. It is so hard when everyone around you has something you want more than anything in the world and is so natural to want as well. It hurts, its a pain really only those experiencing know what it's like. Its the physical side of IVF that scars and the emotional side that scars more. I really hope after this difficult time passes your time will come and you have what you want so much. sending my love and luck to you. Stassi xx
Oh, my dear, it so heartbreaking. Life sometimes is unfair! But don't stop, be patient, please not stress your self that much.
I have a friend suffered many difficulties while trying to get pregnant. She spend over 3 years and tried almost everything and spend too much money. Some nurse recommend her to look for some options outside UK and Western Europe, since she were almost out of money. She decide to go to Kiev and trust me, I was the one who was skeptical, but she had luck and everything went very very well. Today she is a mother of 2-year daughter thanks to advanced treatments.
Where you did your IVF? Please share some experience, the average cost, treatments, etc. I'm looking for some recommendation, something cheaper than in UK. I would consider even something outside of UK as my friend, but just want to compare recommendations from other people.
Stay positive and keep it trying! Remember, stress is your worst enemy. Also, please do not compare your situation with the friends of your husband, it could frustrate you and could effect your treatments as well. Additionally, if you don't, please start exercise. It's one of the best ways to free yourself from accumulated stress from the past year.
Ha! No chance of me not exercising... I am a fitness instructor so it's pretty much my life! That's one of my difficulties going through treatment as it's very hard with such a physical job x
I've just read your post and am so dreadfully sorry. Life is just so unfair. Xx look after yourself as much as you can and give yourself time to grieve xxx
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Hope you start to feel better about this soon and feel strong enough to move forwards wether that be IVF again or maybe donor eggs or adoption wishing you all the best. xxx
It's one of the best ways to free yourself from accumulated stress from the past year.
So so sad
How many attempts will it take? Am I stuck in the IVF rabbit hole?
Weird post.. Bare with me 
