Surviving daily life...

[bec_83]

Hi everyone. I've just found this forum and wanted to reach out because I really just need to talk to people who are in the same boat as I am....

We have been trying for 1.5yr now, and I am 34 this year. We just went for our fertility clinic appt today and were told that we'd be a good case for IVF, but that statistically it was extremely unlikely that we'll conceive naturally. So now more tests which will take a few months (??) to get done, and possibly starting first IVF in Dec/Jan if all goes to plan.

I know I should be excited that we still have a chance, and that things are moving forward, but I seriously am just finding all this excruciatingly painful. Already. I thought I was ok hearing the news today, but I've just climbed out of bed at 1am to cry my eyes out in the other room.... My husband is incredibly supportive but I know how much he is hurting because he wants a baby even more than me, and I don't want to burden him even more.

I cant even imagine the emotional wreckage I"m going to be actually going through the IVF treatment. I know that so many people wait years and try multiple times and are so strong and positive, and I just feel like a massive failure even more, because I cry about it all the time ALREADY!

Someone at work announces they're pregnant and I have to make an excuse and leave the room. Someone with a baby enters the room when I'm out to lunch and I have to go to the bathroom to have a cry. It's just ridiculous. HOW do you get through every day when everywhere you look there's a pregnant belly or a baby in your face?

Thanks in advance all - just really feel like i'm not coping and needed to reach out.

xxx

[Pinky_123]

Hi Bec - I just wanted to say that everything you have written is entirely normal and understandable - it's a crap situation! (And that's putting it mildly

Please don't feel like you are burdening your husband, you are in this together and at different times you will need to be strong for him, and vice versa.

Crying is a good release so if you need to, do it! I try and do my crying in private and after 6 years I have got a bit more used to the signs of my friends being pregnant, so can prepare myself for announcements etc, babies being around, but unfortunately it doesn't seem to get any easier.

I always find it easier when I have a plan, so it's good you have taken the steps to get a diagnosis and treatment, December is not that far away and it gives you chance to start to take some positive steps like making sure you are eating well and looking after yourself. IVF is tough but get yourself in the best place possible and you will see that you are stronger than you think.

Big hugs to you and you are not on your own xxx

[bec_83 in reply to Pinky_123]

Thanks Pinky - this morning I spoke to him about it and we agreed to always tell each other when we're feeling low about it, because like you say, there'll be times when I need to be the strong one for him as well. Thanks so much for your reply, it means a lot and my heart goes out to you too!!! I was also wondering how you go about preparing yourself for announcements etc as it sounds like a smart thing to do! Thanks again xx

[Pinky_123 in reply to bec_83]

Thanks Bec - glad you've had a talk about it, I'd definitely say it's brought us closer together over the years. We do now have the majority of days where we find a dark humour in the situation, but it has taken us a lon time and a lot of counselling. As discobec has recommended, definitely look into counselling. We are an 'online couple' as well and lived 200 miles apart when we met - I think we were meant to find each other as there is no one else I would rather be going through this with. I think it is natural though to question everything, including your relationship - after all, it's just not bloody fair is it!! Love to you xxx

[discobec]

This journey is so hard and you're not alone in feeling the way you do.

I'm starting IVF treatment in the next couple of months, and although I'm happy that after 3 years something is actually happening, I still can't quite get my head around the fact it's happening to me!

I've had a few counselling sessions which have definitely helped. Your clinic should provide a counselling service free of charge, so it's definitely worth looking into. I've also been having acupuncture since the new year which has helped to keep me 'reasonably relaxed.

This situation we find ourselves in is horribly stressful, so don't beat yourself up about having the odd meltdown. We've all been there!

Best of luck to you. X

[bec_83 in reply to discobec]

Thanks Discobec - best of luck with the IVF and let us know how it all goes! I know what you mean. I just never ever thought that I would be doing IVF. My husband and I also met online, so in my really low moments I can't help but think that we're just forcing something that wasn't meant to me. Stupid I know, and I will definitely look into the counselling, great advice. Here for you!! xxx

[Bibble-2016]

Hi there - I've been ttc for 2 years after a vasectomy reversal. We were hopeful of getting pregnant but it didn't happen and I found it so so hard. Everything you have said. But I will say in time it has got a little easier. I'm not saying I'm ok about it, not at all, but that crippling emotion eased a little. I too felt too messed up emotionally to get through ivf but over time your emotions will change and how you feel now will be different to how you feel in a few months. I'm just in the middle of icsi and after thinking I was a failure for 2 years I now think I, and all of us on here, are strong and brave and resilient. You will get through this. Just let yourself express those tears thoughts and feelings. Surf the emotional waves to will get there xxx

[bec_83 in reply to Bibble-2016]

Thanks Bibble - you're absolutely right. Sometimes we look back on times in our life and wonder how we managed to survive and carry on, yet here we are. We just need to keep going right? Good luck to you - we're all on that emotional wave with you xxx

[robbie03]

Am a bit further down the road but totally know how you feel....it's a tough and long time l! However I appreciate my husband so so much after he's been there through the highs and lows and tears. I'm currently day 10 of IUI, it's not easy but I'm taking every injection and scan step by step and relying on my husband for support. Step by step is the only way forward for me, and also I write a journal to let those feelings out in another way.

The ladies on here are incredibly strong and such a support and inspiration to me. Good luck in your journey and never feel you are on your own! Xxx

[bec_83 in reply to robbie03]

Definitely Robbie - step by step, and after I did come clean (about my massive crying session last night ) that's exactly what my husband said too. Just take each day as it comes and get as much support as we can. Best of luck to you too! xxx

[E_05]

Welcome to the forum, you will get lots of support from here.

Everything your describing is totally 'normal' your grieving that your body won't do what you want it to on top of dealing with the emotions of wanting a baby. I would say never feel like your burdening your husband, your going to make the best team through this horrendous journey.

I'm a bit further down the line but IVF has just made me and my husband stronger. There's been many a time I've gone off to cry alone to but you do learn how to protect yourself and prepare for announcements etc. I'm not saying it gets any easier but for me somehow preparing myself at least gives me a bit of head space.

It's good you've got dates to focus on now for your treatment. Maybe you and your husband could plan a few things in between to look forward to? Xx

[bec_83 in reply to E_05]

Thanks so much - I can't believe how many heartfelt replies I've gotten already, you guys are the best! Fingers crossed for your IVF too xxxx

[E_05 in reply to bec_83]

Ah this forum is amazing, I wish I'd found it at the beginning of my journey but am glad I have now. Thank your hope your feeling a little more positive today xx

[beth_brown]

I know exactly what you mean. My situation a couple of years ago. Highly apprehensive about the procedure but went ahead with it. I am now a proud mother of my angel thanks to this clinic in Kiev. I am here to help others who are trying to become mothers! Good luck to all

[bec_83 in reply to beth_brown]

Oh wow, congratulations Beth! I was actually talking to a really positive friend today about her business, and it was a different scenario but still rang true. She said there were times when she felt like giving up because everything was going wrong and then she told herself, 'No. This is when OTHER people give up, but I'm going to succeed.' And she kept going. Just like you and so many other strong ladies. So good to hear the success stories xxx

[beth_brown in reply to bec_83]

That is awesome! I think we all of us get some strength like your friend, nothing is impossible to achieve. I pray all of us get enough strength.

[liz1985]

Hi sweetie..

God I know that feeling all too well! It takes a little time for news like this to settle because let's face it it's quite big news and Ivf is far from an easy journey (I'm currently on 2ww!) There's not really anything anyone can say that will make it better although it's a Great thing you found this forum as it helps a lot to know your not alone.. and will def help you when you start your journey.. I would talk to your husband as you are on this journey together and it's good to know how each other are feeling i just wanted to wish you all the luck in the world on your journey sweetie be kind to yourself and remember to look at the good things you do have good marriage and each other which is priceless! Wishing you every luck in the world keep us posted on your progress !! Xxxxx

[bec_83 in reply to liz1985]

Thank you so much Liz - I'm so glad I found this forum, I'm absolutely blown away by all the love and support already!!!! I posted last night at (let's face it) perhaps my lowest point thus far in this little journey, laying on the couch bawling my eyes out in the dark at 3am. I do feel much better today after letting it all out (I literally think my tear ducts need to refill) and I spoke with my husband this morning as well. You're right - we're so lucky to have supportive partners and I just need to remember that as well. All the best with your IVF too!! Let us know how it goes; everything crossed for you!!! xxx

[liz1985]

Oh I will love Im so glad you and hubby have spoken that will help you most of all massive luck to you on your journey and fingers crossed my test date will be 26th xx

[Lamorna80]

Hi Bec,

Oh how your post rings true. Your reaction was exactly like mine.

I'm 36 and in the run up to our first round of IVF, I thought I would be excited and positive but the emotional struggle was so much harder than I was expecting. I also had the dread of it not working and wondering what on earth we would do financially. (We only get one NHS funded chance in Cornwall)

I had to leave Facebook for a while, the updates friends were putting up about their babies was just too painful. I'd then also find myself feeling guilty for feeling that it was so unfair.

I only told 2 close friends because I didn't want everyone to feel pity for me or to constantly ask how I was. It also made it difficult though when, after getting a negative result on my pregnancy test following IVF, I looked miserable at work and a colleague just told me to 'cheer up and get on with it!'. Well that set off the tears!

The medication didn't help and once I was off it all, I felt much better and relieved that I was going to be alright emotionally and I feel far more prepared second time round (September egg retrieval).

You will find strengths you never released you had. I became a strong believer that this was some sort of test or journey which would help me to grow as a person in so many ways even though it feels so cruel and brutal at the time.

My 2 friends were the best support I could have asked for (and my husband of course, but he is someone who often wants to fix what is wrong and so often it's just a case of talking about how you feel)

Good luck with it all and just let out all those emotions, we're all doing exactly the same thing!

xxx

[bec_83 in reply to Lamorna80]

Lamorna!!! So sorry for the hugely belated reply but thank you so much for your lengthy and super helpful post. I'm the same - i've only told a couple of very close friends, and also two people at work, as at my last appointment the doctor said I may need to have some time off work/have them be flexible etc so it was best to make sure that at least 1 key person knows whats going on, so you have somone on your side.

I'm really glad I did - they have been super supportive since I told them, and I know that when we go through the actual process (next year some time) that they'll be as flexible as they can to help me out.

I HATE it when someone tells me to 'just cheer up!' URGH don't they understand it doesn't work that way?!!!

All the best - I hope this finds you closer to being a parent xxxx

[Cyantist]

I was exactly like you describe before my ivf. Crying all the time, having to make excuses when people announce pregnancies, even barely seeing my niece and nephew as it upset me too much. But actually I wasn't an emotional wreck during my ivf, much to my surprise. Once you take the step and start treatment it can be a bit of a relief and rather than feeling hopeless like you do now, you feel more positive.

But statistics aren't everything either. I was part of a support group of long term ttc-ers. 6 out of 9 of us fell pregnant naturally despite all having spent over 3 years trying so it might happen for you. We needed ivf, and went through it when i was the same age as you. Statistically it was less likely to work for me as i was told that in general the longer you have been trying the less chance there is of success, and we were trying for 10 years. But science is an amazing thing and I'm now a mommy!

Look after yourself and your hubby, and try to think positive!

[bec_83 in reply to Cyantist]

I'm so sorry Cyantist - I missed this post but thank you so much for the reply. Yes! Statistics really aren't everything, and I think with so much stress and emotion involved, you just have to do whats best for you both at each stage, whatever that may be.

Hope you're loving every second of being a mum! Congratulations and thank you for sharing your story xxx

[Hampshiregal]

Hello

I just wanted add that when I was told by by gp that I'd need ivf, I went for counselling. I went regularly for some time, as I just couldn't cope with my feelings & emotions. I feel real anger/jealousy and so much that I'd never felt before. I felt that I didn't want to talk ivf too much with my OH. The counselling helped me and helped me make sense of my feelings.

Everyone goes through their own journey, this is a great forum for getting support.

Best wishes xx

[bec_83 in reply to Hampshiregal]

I'm so sorry for the extremely late reply, just going through my messages and realised i never wrote back!!! I hope the counselling is still helping - thats an excellent suggestion. I find that this forum really helps, but having some one-on-one chats with a professional would certainly help with few key issues i'm struggling with. Hang in there! xxxx

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to bec_83]

I just replied with a counseling suggestion without realizing it was an old post but it sounds like it was still a relevant suggestion xx

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

I think you’ll surprise yourself with how well you’ll cope because you kind of have to. It’s a roller coaster, some days and weeks are easier than others. I have counselling and it does help x

[bec_83 in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

Thanks Lizzie - yes I agree, I think counselling will be a great idea when we get started. xxx