who to confide in..

[E_05]

I'm waiting to see my consultant on the 20th to discuss starting my 4th cycle (3rd fet)..

I've always been very private since being referred to the fertility clinic over 2 years ago only a handful of friends and close family know. I always thought why do they need to know, people don't discuss with the world when their naturally trying. After my miscarriage following my 1st cycle I realised I couldn't hide the fact I'd miscarried and my husband and I both felt a weight lift when we were honest about what we'd been through.

In march I had my 3rd cycle and I really struggled between people not understanding but then not being able to blame them as they don't know. The continuous excuses of why I'm not drinking or why I couldn't go out at certain times because of injections or pessaries and to be honest the sheer ignorance or some friends moaning about how 'lucky we are not to have children yet!!'

I'm now considering going into my next cycle that maybe more people do need to know..I don't want people's pity and I suppose there's always that fear that's what il get. I'm not embarrassed anymore of that fact we have to go through IVF, yes we all know jts a tough journey and of course I wish I didn't have this battle to have a baby but it has also shown me a strength in myself and my husband and for whatever reason we are destined on this journey together we'll get through it.

Sorry for the extra long ramble, id love to know who you confide in? Xx

[Hidden]

I'm exactly the same actually. I was about to post along the same lines.

It's 'only' IUI I'm waiting for just now. I've always been very private but that didn't lead to a great place. Going into IUI again I was thinking I should open up more- but who to tell and how much info. I'm the same as you- I wouldn't tell someone when I was naturally trying.

I did open up about the fertility journey after I had went through the miscarriages but never opened up while I was going through the treatment.

[E_05 in reply to Hidden]

I've been the same and I feel for my hubby as he gets the brunt of it all. It's so hard isn't it cause I know people won't fully understand how could they unless there on the journeys we are but then I think maybe there would be the support. So sorry for your losses, how were people when you told them then? We just told people we'd miscarried so everyone just presumed naturally but it has stopped people asking 'isn't it about time you had children'

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi E_05. Oh it's so difficult to know what to say when going through treatment cycles. I have always felt it best to just confide in perhaps a close friend or family member, just in case too many people get to know and you start getting the sympathy and better luck next time quotes. I wondered if you have had any counselling at all? Hopefully your clinic will have offered you some, or you could contact the British Counselling Association at bica.net who are all specially trained in fertility issues. You have to pay, but their support is good, Others on here will help too, I'm sure. I do have a couple of lists of questions I could send you if you want, to have a look through before you see your consultant again. it's too long to add here, but if you email me in confidence to [e-mail] I will send them to you. Diane

[E_05 in reply to DianeArnold]

Hi Diane, thank you so much. Yeah I've had some counselling and this group helps me loads. I do agree that to many people knowing heightens expectations. At the moment it's particularly hard as our friends have just had a baby and they've now decided to share with everyone it was through their first cycle of IVF, they continually go on about how hard it was & the injections etc. I feel like screaming, I know I could tell them but we're not that close and I don't want them to tell everyone else within the group of friends. I will definitely send an email regarding the questions.

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK in reply to E_05]

Hi E_05. Yes, this is exactly what can happen, as much as you are pleased for them, you're just wanting them to go away with their baby, as you just want one of your own! This is all the more reason to be careful who you spend your time with while you are feeling so fragile. They will no doubt want you to see their little one, but you don't have to do anything. Just send a card with some money or gift voucher in, if you want, and say that you look forward to seeing junior soon - and you choose when that will be. Maybe if you're up to it, then write to her and explain how you are feeling - might help. I don't think there is ever any easy way around all of this, we somehow keep going. The girls here will look after you, I'm sure. Diane

[Tugsgirl]

I shared my second journey (first fet) on Facebook because I grew so tired of people telling me it was going to work and that I'd end up with triplets etc etc. They had no idea of how physically and mentally draining it can be. I'm glad I told everyone. The new understanding and support I got really helped. Also you're right in what you say, ivf is nothing to be ashamed of. It's such a taboo subject but it shouldn't be. I've decided to keep my next round on a need to know basis because I feel like I've done my bit for infertility awareness. I still share posts about ivf etc, but I won't be sharing my treatment cycle this time around xx

[E_05 in reply to Tugsgirl]

That's so true I think people don't understand how much is involved in going through IVF, I guess I wouldn't either if I wasn't in this position. Did you do like a Facebook diary? I'm glad you had lots of positivity from it, good luck for your next cycle X

[Tugsgirl in reply to E_05]

Yeah just updated my status with appointments and that kinda thing. Of course I announced the outcome as I felt I had to having taken it that far, then we miscarried and I had to announce that too. It was hard and yes I got lots of sympathy announcing our bad news but I didn't do it for sympathy; I did it for understanding and awareness of what we put ourselves through. If I hadn't shared our story no one would have known our baby even existed, and to me that would have been worse somehow xx

[E_05 in reply to Tugsgirl]

Absolutely, I knew I had to tell people I'd miscarried in order to grieve for our baby. They definitely deserve to be remembered no matter how short their lives x

[emu2016]

We told our respective BFF, our mums and my boss and a colleague we were goog to have treatment. Effectively those who we'd need if it went wrong. Though we were prescriptive with all of them about timings.

Telling my boss was a good decision. So supportive at work.

It's so hard. This time i didn't want to tell ANYONE. Like the first time. But it was just so hard keeping secrets it was stressing me out more! X