Before this horrible infertility journey (and pre covid) I was an extremely sociable person, always with friends, entertaining at ours etc etc
Now that it’s becoming acceptable to do more things (and not have the excuse of covid to hibernate at home) I’ve found myself dreading seeing people or doing anything with anyone except my husband. For a bunch of reasons - that no one really knows all the pain we’ve gone through over the last while, all my friends are pregnant or have babies, I’m expecting the “you’re still not pregnant” vibes when I do see people again, I won’t be drinking as I’m doing a FET soon which always get the raised eyebrows…. but more importantly I just feel generalized panic about seeing people in the real world again, a place where I still exist without a baby and can’t wrap my mind around that. Feels easier to just stay isolated, which I know isn’t good either.
Anyone relate?
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Patches86
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100% - I've always been very similar to you but the past year of IVF/Covid has made me an anxious person. I HATE feeling like this because it's really not me. I don't really want to see anyone - in fact I was due to meet a friend on Tuesday and she cancelled as she was unwell - so relieved - then felt awful for feeling relieved xx
It really is. I’m surprised to be honest. I thought I could just cruise through this, but 5 transfers has left me battered and bruised. Hope you’re doing ok. Sending much love xx
I thought the same! I was pretty good at putting on a brave face, but since covid that’s all seemed to change! I’m prepping for the 4th transfer now which should be around the end of the month if all goes to plan, I think you mentioned you’re also looking to transfer soon. Fingers crossed and sending love ❤️
I could have written this myself, I relate so much and really struggled with it particularly this time last year when things were easing slightly with Covid. I remember heading back into the office, and I had three panic attacks; two on the way and one there. I felt an overriding sense of fear and panic at the thought of seeing people again when I felt so distant and lost. I’ve gradually improved but I still struggle to make plans and see groups of friends together, especially without my husband by my side.
I can sometimes struggle to feel engaged in conversation, often avoiding group WhatsApp chats in fear of someone talking about babies or announcing a pregnancy on a day where I’m maybe not quite as strong.
My life changed from the day we lost our first baby, and that was at the very start of Covid so in a way, Covid became my shelter but it also isolated me in so many more ways than just not being able to see anyone and that I think has increased my anxiety today.
All of my close friends and family know what we’ve been through and currently going through, I’ve been honest with how I feel and whilst I struggle to articulate it, they appreciate that sometimes I just need my own space. I started to see my very best of girlfriends on their own here and there which has helped ease me back in to social stuff, but I wouldn’t do group gatherings any time soon without my husband and only with specific people. It’s really hard to feel like you’re being left behind, or that you’re living someone else’s life and not quite present - it’s sad really.
I suffered with depression this time last year and whilst I can say I’m no longer depressed, I do think I suffer with generalised anxiety and I have to manage it the only way I know how to, which is one step at a time and my way without pressure from anyone else.
You just have to do what’s right for you, start slow and maybe see trusted friends first one at a time or with your husband present. I think of this time in my life as a blip, it’s short term so if I have to take a step back for the interim, then so be it. You do what’s right by your own mental health. You could also try therapy if that’s an option? But know that you’re not alone at all 💗 xx
My cousin got married two weeks ago and we saw the whole extended family at the wedding. There were - thankfully - no 'when are you going to have a baby' questions, presumably because we finally told my parents about our struggles over Christmas and I think my mom must have given everyone a quiet heads up not to ask us about it. But even still, it was awful at times.
At one point, my aunts were talking in front of me about my cousin's proposed timeline for getting pregnant (which made me want to cry) and then I think they realised what they were saying and suddenly stopped, which somehow made me feel even worse.
Covid/ lockdown was awful in so many ways for my anxiety and mental health, but not having to navigate awkward fertility discussions was definitely a silver lining.
I know it's not the same as socialising with friends, but I've found solace in getting back into a self-care routine with acupuncture and massages and talking to those practitioners about our struggles. Infertility is an awkward conversation at the best of times so I tend to avoid it, but it really takes some of the pressure off to speak about it with someone (other than my husband).
I recommend getting back out in the world just to remind yourself that not everyone has babies, even if everyone in your circle does. Maybe start out by doing some nice meals out with your husband and re-acclimating to the world before you push yourself to start meeting up with friends again xx
Thank you Soccer, I can imagine it must have been tough being at a wedding full of extended family - well done for doing that!
I think you’re right, getting used to the world again, which as you say does highlight that not everyone has babies, is a good first step rather than diving head first into group events!
I find IVF such an incredibly isolating experience that I have found the opposite. Interesting isn't it? Normally I'm quite introverted, but since going through IVF I find myself wanting to be around others more, as it helps me to drown out all those anxious/horrible voices in my head. The only exception is one of my friendship groups ( from my university days) who all have children, and its all they talk about (despite being interesting successful women). Unbearable.
IVF definitely changes the way you interact with the world.
This is a super interesting perspective, thanks for sharing Haf! I’m so glad you’re able to find comfort in others as you are right, this can be a truly isolating experience. Sending love x
Agree with everything people have said. I feel exactly the same. You are most definitely not alone. I think Covid gave me the opportunity to step back from people and I have found it very difficult to come out of that. I am lucky that a few friends don’t have children and are not obsessed with getting pregnant and the ones who do, know about my struggles. I pretty much limit myself to spending time with them! Don’t be hard on yourself, there is no certain path you must take and if meeting up in a group situation is too hard then don’t do it. Be selfish for a while and put yourself first. Take care xxx
I feel this so much. Both my family and my partners family know about our struggles and I always dread the pity looks or them tip toeing around me. I think infertility changes us in ways we don’t expect and we sort of lose ourselves a little. It’s such a hard journey and it’s so much harder than people might think. Xxxx
100% relate to this, it was horrible when Covid stopped IVF but once treatments could resume I really appreciated not having to do al the socialising! Am definitely finding the ending of lockdown more tough xx
Yeah I can relate to this. To be honest I have told very few people because I don't want people to keep asking me how is it going.
You hear people saying that after something bad happens to you and you tell people all of the suddend lots of people start telling you their stories.
One of my best friends lost her baby after 5 days of life and it was terrible. Luckily now they have twins....but during that period I never told her about my situation because I thought that what it was happenning to them it was nothing compare to us. Now I have told her and she told me that I should have told her because we could have gone through things together.
For example everytime someone tells me they are pregnant there are so many mix emotions and I am happy for them but that night there is going to be ice cream and crying. And my friend understand perfectly the feeling
After all of this what I am trying to say is to try to find a person in your circle that you trust and talk with them...this way step by step it will get easier
I’m sorry to hear about your friends loss, that sounds devastating but so happy she got her happy ending. Such a wonderful perspective about her having wanted you to share with her at that time!
I think the conversation I had with her that day was the most rewarding one I've had.....and I think that for her too because she realized that although I haven't been in her situation I might be close to understand her feelings.
But one thing she struggle the most was with friends.....they clearly didn't know how to deal with someone who just lost a daughter and that made them feel terrible. There are people that are not able to understand other people's feelings and rather than help, they just make you feel worst.
Don't give up on them, but take your time
Completely agree with the above feeling’s. Sounds odd I know but in my head; infertility and the whole TTC saga is like an infertility Island… some people get their success and find a way off the island, still thinking about those left behind. But as others leave then plenty of new members find themselves landing on it. From time to time my friends and family pop over to my Island to check in on me (us), but it’s not Long before they hop on that plane back to happy island where the birds sing, people smile and babies are born!!! Sometimes it feels like they forget I'm over here struggling to get off my island.Lockdown also helped us to hide from the million questions about why we weren’t having babies yet. And small gathering’s gave us 1-2-1 catch-up’s with close friends and family where we told them finally after 18 months - and consoled each other. You have to tell who you need to - who can support you. There’s no right or wrong - only what you need.
Now with lockdown lifting, the people close to us know - and while they are supportive on the whole, there are clumsy comments about how they “didn’t know life until their had kids”, or “you’ll know when you have children”.
I love them, but small doses and small groups seem to work best at the moment.
I hate it that we all have to go through this, but selfishly at least we can rely on each other for support when we need it.
This really made me smile! Infertility island - like some sort of survivor show 😂
Thank you for sharing and I really hope you get off the island soon too x
Yes! Me! I am happy to go out with my other half but actively avoid other people. I think it’s normal, and I am optimistic I will come out the other side of it. Sending you hugs xx
Aww, thank you all for sharing your stories everyone!! 😘😘This forum makes you realise that you are not alone… and that we are all going through very similar challenges!!
Thank you for the advice too xxx
I also used to be a very social butterfly, but after so many failed ivf treatments, I find it much easier just to hide at home, and the pandemic gave me a great excuse to keep it that way ! However, going forward, I will start to take baby steps to get back to a “new normal” and start seeing close friends again. I need to introduce more fun into my life!!!
I can totally relate to this & the other comments.We started our ivf journey just as lockdown hit & ive found it beneficial for me.
I’ve suffered from anxiety & panic attacks for years & have been fortunate to work from home during the lockdown.
It has made me realise just how much energy I was having 2 put into just getting on a train & being in an office environment everyday.
I am very much a homebody & every time there was talk of lockdown lifting I would start panicking. Obviously I wanted businesses 2 open & people who were missing their families 2 b able to see each other but I just wanted 2 be left in my little bubble where I feel safe & don’t have 2 explain why I’m away at lots of appointments.
I am truly terrified that my work is going 2 make return to the office at some point & have multiple meltdowns about it.
It’s so nice 2 hear I’m not alone in being scared of the outside world! 💗💗xx
I totally get this! Thank you for sharing. I have also not been in the office since the pandemic hit and although many of my colleagues are starting to go back once or twice a week I’ve kept using being scared of covid/public transport as a bit of an excuse. I’ll only go back in once they start forcing me too, which as you say I get more nervous about as it seems to creep closer!
I relate to everything your saying and I’m some ways I’ve been so glad for COVID quarantine because I really don’t think I could have just carried on like normal whilst going through this. Now it is opening back Up I’m honestly not ready. My close friends know (albeit two of them got pregnant the last few months), so now I worry about how our relationship goes if I’m still here I’m this holding pattern by the time they have their kids. I hate that that is a thought and I can’t just solely be happy for them and enjoy this time.
I can totally relate to that. I work as a Nursery Nurse so I'm surrounded by babies all the time. All I've ever wanted is one of my own and to be a mum. I'm now looking into adoption as the chance of a successful pregnancy through IVF is very slim. I wish you all the luck in the world. Xx
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