I finally did it & I feel proud

All those people that ask "when are you going to have children?" And I've always said "oh we're not ready yet", "we're doing the bathroom first" etc...

Well today I bumped into an old colleague who's now working in the local co-op. She loves to chat & says things how they are. We were busy chatting about things and then I got the feeling that the question was coming. She looked down towards my tummy and then the dread built up inside me. She asked "so when are you going to have children?" I did my new inbetween reply of "I'm not sure we'll have any". Of course she asked "why?" And as quick as a flash I answered "it just doesn't always work that way". She said "oh right" there was a small pause then I said "we've got lots of children around us anyway".

That was the first time I've said it to someone off the cuff when they've asked that question and now I feel good that i didn't lie to myself yet again. Maybe this is a new chapter in my journey....

Sorry for the essay, but I wanted to tell someone how it made me feel & hope it may be able to help at least one of you along the way x

62 Replies

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  • Good for you Hun, I hope it felt empowering rather than upsetting. You're an inspiration to us all xx

  • Yes empowering is a good word to sum it up. It didn't upset me much to be honest. I almost felt (like other people have said on here before) that I was kind of doing my bit to raise awareness of infertility that so many people don't even think about x

  • Well done! Apart from the fact that I find such a question incredibly personal and rude (will people never learn!?), you made her pause and consider.

    Your life choices have nothing to do with her and people like this deserve to feel bad if they are asking bold questions they haven't considered the ramifications of. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you handled it beautifully. I am sure she didn't mean to be otherwise, but this does not make it okay.

    On a humorous note, I once worked with a fantastic, fiery redhead who had recently married and was constantly being asked the same insensitive question. She got so fed up, she started saying: we are perfecting all the positions first and when we've got a favourite, we'll go for it!! Instant embarrassment for the inquisitor 😳 and they never bothered her again!! πŸ˜‰

  • That is an amazing answer that your work friend used, wish I'd thought of it before!! And what you said isn't harsh at all. In our position I think you've just told the absolute truth! x

  • πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚l love that fiery redhead

  • Absolutely amazing answer

    Serves them right

  • A lady I used to work with got so fed up of people asking, she used to get her diary out and ask exactly when they would want her to have children! She was sassy pants I loved her for it! ❀️

  • U know when I visit my mum 's it's a nightmare. As all know me and the 1st question how r u and d second one no kids as yet. And I was so scared that I would first check from our window if there's anyone and then just rush out without making any eye contact. Because sometimes u can avoid questions but sometimes u can't . And I would get so hurt and cry for d next few days . So u gave them great doses

  • Awwe no tiger cub that's really sad πŸ™ but unfortunately that's what happens. I'm not sure if you're married, but as soon as we got married it was "ooh I thought there might be a honeymoon baby"....really?! That's not all we did on our honeymoon & quite possibly that wasn't most fertile days! Haha. Maybe get some whitty answers ready for when you get asked πŸ˜‰ x

  • Yes I'm married. See my profile

  • That is brilliant!! "Yes I'll just make a note in my diary because it's that blooming easy!!" 😁

  • Well done Hun! Good for you! I'm feeling so proud right now! Big hug! x πŸ˜†

  • Thanks hun. I was gunna add it to my message to you, but really wanted to write it publicly πŸ™‚ x

  • So glad you did. Hopefully it will give us confidence to do the same. x

  • Good for you girl!!!!

    I hate that feeling when you know that dreaded question is coming xx

  • Yes it really is like a dread bubbling up inside and nowadays I go out of my way to try and avoid being asked. So today I felt like I'd achieved something x

  • You certainly have, especially when put on the spot πŸ’•πŸ’•

  • U definitely did right

    I guess I dread this question too all d time . All of a sudden it seems this question is everyone favourite

  • Well done.

    First time I said "Not everyone gets to be a mummy or daddy" in response to "Why haven't you got a baby?" was to our 4 year old God son. Good thing with kids is they just accept it and don't ask any other questions!

    I say "Sadly not" when adults ask if I have children. I have my back up of "Things didn't work out how we wanted them too" ready in case they are nosey.

  • Thanks for the advice. I love your reply to a 4 year old. You pitched that at the perfect level for them to understand. And you are quite right, they don't ask questions!

    I think I like my reply too because I didn't say I'd never have children (one day a natural miracle might happen right?) So I feel like I've covered all aspects x

  • I kind of think we should stop being ashamed and talk about it. Infertility is something people should be more aware of. Xx

  • Absolutely. Reading your reply kind of made me think...is the dread that we feel inside when we know someone is about to ask, what we feel because we know it's 'going to be awkward'? When actually i shouldn't be that way at all. What we go through is tough enough! x

  • HIGH-BEEPING-FIVE.

    Sorry for the language. Feels good eh? Nice work xxx

  • Not sure we're meant to swear on here, but it really shows your emotion! Thanks for the vote of confidence ☺ it did feel good & actually telling her probably means that other people will found out now without me having to tell them!!! πŸ–’ x

  • Ooops! Don't know what you mean!!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    *edit! xxx

  • I already saved the original post in case it got deleted, cause I loved the original answer haha. Hope you're doing OK my lovely x

  • Hahahaha! Love it.

    Seriously I will never forget the first time I blurted out: "no, I have a very low chance of being able to conceive" and walked out.

    x

  • Like your style though πŸ˜‚ x

  • πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  • Well done to you! πŸ‘

    People can be so presumptuous. My response is usually along the lines of 'mother nature has other ideas at the moment, it'll happen when it's meant to'. It took us nearly a year to feel ready to start answering truthfully, and now we are glad we did. We don't tend to divulge too much info but it gives people an idea that sometimes it isn't that straight forward and it keeps any other questioning at bay!

    Big pat on the back and hug for you xxx

  • Thank you Sarah. I hope it's saved you from having it asked so often too x

  • Good for you.i hope she wont be bugging you about it ever.πŸ˜ƒ

  • Hopefully not!! That's one person off my list....only another 200 to go haha xx

  • Well done Hun, u should feel proud of urself! I don't know in this day & age how people can still ask such a personal question when there is so much more publicity about fertility issues.xxx

  • I guess some people (in this case anyway) are just nosey!! x

  • Good for you! You do prepare yourself for questions. My sister gets married next week and I don't know if I can face all the questions from family about children right in the middle of our first ICSI when I'm already on the emotional brink!! You have inspired me to be more honest rather than "we've just moved house..." reason. Thank you!! Xxx

  • Awwe I'm so glad I've helped ☺ i am beginning to come round to the idea that once you tell people I don't think they'll ask again, so it will get them off your back!

    I hope you have a lovely time at the wedding & don't let the questions ruin your day! Best of luck with the ICSI x

  • Hey. Good for you - it shouldn't be taboo.

    I am honest if people ask (most of the time), sometimes indirectly (like what you said) and sometimes not! My SO tells people 'we're working on it'.

    I bumped into my neighbours on the way to the fertility centre and they asked where I was going so I said 'I'm off the fertility centre - we're going through that at the moment'. I think they felt awkward but I didn't seen the point in lying. I said it so normally because you know what? That is the reality for some people.

    A male colleague was telling me about his son and said to me 'you should get yourself one (a child)' and I simply replied 'if only it were that easy '. He didn't question it but I think it was clear!

  • Haha I love that you were so point blank with your neighbours! And I think (hope) that with most people if we say something it might make them think bout asking anybody ever again.

    I think lines along "if only it was that easy" are fab because you're not having to say it out loud, but like you said, it's more than clear for the receiver! x

  • Like somebody has already said, it's tough enough for us already without worrying about making others feel awkward. Xx

  • I always say to my hubby one day when someone asks me I'm just gonna tell them I can't have kids just like that and just watch thier face and make them feel the way they make me feel! But I'm not that mean in reality - however 8 have said these lines to people, "well getting pregnant is either the easiest thing in the world to do or the hardest so who knows" and "well that depends, I might not be able to"

    One guy said to me recently "just bite the bullet and have a kid" his kid was screaming at the time next to him.

    I said "it's ok you have bitten it for me and it's not looking too appealing right now I'll stick with my dog" that soon shut him up!

  • Haha. Good work shutting him up! Some people are just so insensitive! x

  • Wow well done. I'm such a chicken in these situations. They make me feel so small and pathetic when I haven't the courage to say anything truthful or make them think. I've got a colleague at work, who has two children, who I really dislike on many levels partly because she is soooo bold. When I told her I was going off sick for a couple of weeks she asked "Is it for a good reason or a bad reason?" Who asks that about being sick?! I just muttered "we'll see" and tried to run away!!!

  • I like you're "we'll see" because actually you didn't know at that point! But absolutely nobody should ask that about being off sick...what a silly question!!

    I'm currently struggling at the moment with one girl I work with. She's always asked & just as I went through the Ivf she must have asked every other week. I'm almost ready now to give her a whitty response next time she asks, but I might not be completely in control of what comes out my mouth πŸ™ˆ plus should I have to tell her when that means everyone else in work will find out?? Hmm... i just wanna shut her up & make her think! x

  • Really can't get over how people think it's ok to ask questions like that especially where they must be suspicious there is a problem. Definitely tempting to give insight and a put down. I'm just always too shocked by the rudeness and then upset that I can't answer the way I'd like to!!

  • Yes that's like me (usually) you walk away and think 'oh I should have said that' and come up with an amazing answer in your head! x

  • I'm d same my dear . I just run whenever and wherever I can

  • I started out doing what you did too and eventually I've just started saying it too. I think most people then feel guilty and embarrassed for asking then but at least it's them that feel awkward and not me now! Ha ha ha Well done!!xx

  • Thank you Cinderella ☺ x

  • Sorry for butting in but think you did really good!

    As someone who was lucky having 4 kids easily in the 80's I honestly didn't realise the heartache so many go through, having read and regularly cried at some of your stories I now understand so much more!

    Our eldest dd and her hubby are about to start IVF and I'm reading as much as I can about it all, I've sent her a link for this group.

    Anyway I feel ashamed for, in the distant past, asking people when they would be trying for a baby, and for whomever I might have upset back then I am truly sorry...if I knew then etc. :(

  • Sun on a rainy day...what a perfect name for our recent weather!!

    What an inspirational person you are, reading through these forums to help understand your daughter's position. I'm sure you've learnt quite a lot from the lovely ladies here.

    I think for most of us, getting your head round having IVF is just something you never thought would happen in your life. You know that people can struggle, but you never imagine it'll be you!

    Don't feel too bad for upsetting people in the past. My husband sees it as 'they're only showing interest in your life and want to see your family expand' but it is SO hard when your life doesn't follow everyone's 'one-fits-all' expectations.

    Best of luck to you & your daughter ☺ x

  • Thank you, but no you're all the inspirational ones, not me!!!!

    I've been doing loads of research as our youngest daughter is sub clinical (for the uk range) hypothyroid, her periods are irregular and she doesn't appear to be ovulating properly either, she and her fiancΓ© while not exactly ttc are not using contraception so I'm looking on here for both our daughters in reality. Our eldest daughter is the one who is just starting IVF although they've just found out her husband has blockages so they're going to operate to try and retrieve his swimmers, ICSI I think?

    It's been fascinating gathering all the info on how closely related thyroid problems and PCOS are; I'm supplementing yd with Inositol as that's supposed to help all sorts of things, including hypo, insulin regulation, symptoms of pcos etc. It's done better in studies than metformin has for regulating LH levels and therefore inducing ovulation.

    examine.com/supplements/ino... Not sure if links are allowed, sorry if not but links to studies are listed here.

    Anyway I'll shut up lol, I wish you all the very, very best of luck on your journeys and will keep reading your *truly* inspirational stories 🌹 xx

  • Good for you its horrible and shouldn't be the case that we should have to find excuses to hide the truth. Hopefully this will make this girl think twice before asking the same question again to another person deadling with the heart ache of fertility issues xxx

  • I hope so too! I wish fertility issues weren't a taboo subject & that it was well publicised then more people would realise and understand x

  • I know its very difficult and all we can do is hope over time that awareness is raised and people are better educated xxx

  • I do wish fertility issues weren't a taboo subject coz there would be more understanding that it's not as easy on everyone. I am off work at mo and was talking to my mother in law about it, my OH says I've a newly diagnosed syndrome and she replied the pregnancy one. First time I've heard it called a syndrome!

  • Ooh yeah me too. Sounds like maybe your husband is experiencing the same as us and finding it a bit awkward? x

  • Yeah I would say my husband is alright coz she asks him all the time when will I be a granny again (his response is funny) he says when another grandchild arrives xx

  • Your response is respectable and honest what can they say to that? That will teach people to be mindful of others. People are so inconsiderate when they ask these questions, yet they will not stop bugging until you say the truth. I applaud you.

  • Thank you ☺ I hope it brings strength to others to do the same x

  • I work with babies so get asked pretty much every day - sometimes twice a day - I usually say hopefully one day or that I'm currently trying - find it difficult at times so well done to you xx

  • Ha yes I work with children & that's partly the reason my colleague asks so much. There are so many mums at work announcing their pregnant it's unreal. I just 'go for a wee' at the point lol to leave the room! Maybe one day you'll feel like me & feel able to say a bit more, but what you're saying is a good spiel too x

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