Hi everybody. So appreciate everybody's support.
Yesterday we had a traumatic time at our clinic. As many of you know, we had started with 15 frozen donor eggs at a UK clinic. Day 3 looked ok/good. Day 5 - no blastocysts and terrible/insensitive communication from an embryologist... including finding out this awful news in the transfer room, bladder full and set to go, perched on the end of the theatre bed.. you know the drill.
Day 6 - we had an early phonecall saying that thankfully 2 had gone to blastocyst and to come in for transfer, and they would do final grading before the transfer, hoping that 2 more might make it. One already out for the count. So far so expected, and so grateful for 2 blastocysts.
We arrive, and another embryologist greets us bouncily and happily with 'All good news!' And proceeds to tell us that we have a 6 b/c and a 5 b/c and the other 2 have not made it to blastocyst. The 5bc was not really ready for transfer but because my chances are now so down, they would recommend transferring both. I could have killed her. I am of course grateful for these 2 blastocysts, and if it had been during my own 3 failed fresh cycles, I would have been delighted. But the news was 2 'fair' blastocysts ON DAY 6 (so stastically worse) and 2 dead ones since the phonecall. This is on top of starting with 15 donor eggs and being told statistically to hope for one excellent blastocyst at day 5 and up to 4 for the freezer. This is an absolute shipwreck of a donor egg cycle on day SIX and we are clutching to the wreckage. ALL GOOD NEWS!!!!! I am afraid I let her have it, and told her in no uncertain terms this was not a good way to communicate with a fragile ivf patient! I wouldn't have minded her starting with 'some' good news, but ALL good news!!! I cannot tell you how angry I was. Now >24 hours have passed, I feel calmer and I know it may sound like an over-reaction, but I still feel it was totally out of order and I will be making a formal complaint, especially on top of the other terrible communication from another embryologist on the Sunday/day5.
SO.. yest and today since the transfer, I have been a tearful wreck. Just couldn't feel positive about these 2 blastocysts at all, just felt it was all over AND we had none in the freezer, after spending more money than I thought it was possible to spend on a donor egg cycle... plus kept replaying the awful communication of both embryologists. Er, progesterone overload anyone???
But... have cried on husband... cried when I heard a friend's voice on the phone... cried again when another friend came round to give me my Lentogest bottom injection... cried during a relaxation class I was at (good job we are all on the floor with our eyes closed!).. cried when the relaxation class lady asked how I was at the end... cried in the garden of the relaxation place... got home and found an aero, blueberries and flowers on my doorstep and a kind card... another friend popped round and I started crying as soon as I opened the door... BUT. Am finally starting to feel better. I think I have talked and cried it out and more able to embrace where we are, and to be positive with this transfer.. We are still in with a chance.. and far more chance (maybe/probably..) then with any of my own cycles, even though my first one did better! (3 blastocysts on day 5, hence some of my rage!).
Feel more able to root for these 2 blasts to implant, and to worry about everything else later. I think. At the moment. Post bubbly chocolate aero I ate in about 4 bites.
Thanks for reading if you got to the end. Lots of love to you all wherever you are on this crazy mad ivf endurance marathon! Thank you for all your support xxx
PS Oh yes, I hear my progesterone is too low today. 'Pop in tomorrow and we'll give you the new injections, then pop back on Friday for another blood test'. The clinic is London. I live far side of Oxford. I was hoping I had seen the back of the place for 2 weeks, but no!!!! #ivfmadness