Overwhelmed and angry

[El1a80]

Sorry this is a bit of a rant, I just need to get it out!

We recently had our follow up after second failed icsi cycle. First cycle wasn't good, day 5 transfer but none at blastocyst stage and needed assisted hatching. Told it could indicate egg quality issue or that I didnt respond well to the drug. Changed the drug and went for round 2. I thought it went better .... more eggs, more embryos, no assisted hatching, blastocysts at day 5 which she described as average quality, found out at consultation they were 3cb. Embryologist greeted us with 'good news' when we met before transfer so although not top quality felt positive things had gone better. I feel like an idiot for thinking that now.

We walked into our consultation expecting him to say it wasnt perfect but better. Within literally 2 sentences he said the cycles were very comparable, clearly an egg quality issue that I will have always had, nothing to be done and only hope is donor egg. Felt like he had smacked me with a baseball bat. I know he is highly skilled and very intelligent but dont they get training in giving bad news?!? He was brutal. Then surprised when I was upset! I cant help but feel angry towards the embryologist, I had her compare our cycles and she knew I was worried about egg quality so how could she say good news? It gave us false hope and were so unprepared for him so give us that feedback, not that it would ever be easy to hear. By the end he was saying you never know a good one may slip though the net. I just wanted to shout f*ck off but chose to walk out instead.

Sorry for the long rant I just feel so overwhelmed with so many emotions. I know its all part of the process and ivf is the hardest of journeys but its so hard to process. Angry at staff seems to be my coping strategy at the moment! On a positive my husband and I are taking comfort that we are both a little bit broken so perfectly matched! And im glad I never had to go back to that clinic.

Thanks for reading. Best of luck to you all on your journeys, you are incredibly strong and supportive people xxxx

[Fredaflintstone]

Sounds like your consultant could do with some training. Sorry you've been through this. Our experience was similar though we had been told our chances with my eggs were poor. He just said along the lines of well we told you the chances were poor what did you expect? Not the best bedside manner.

If you've managed to get to blastocyst and with reasonable quality embryos then surely there are still reasonable chances. Did they give a percentage? Mine was 2% so really not worth trying again with own eggs and we didn't even get any for egg collection.

Would it be worthwhile seeking a second opinion? I'm sure others jade has success with that sort of grade of embryo xx

[El1a80 in reply to Fredaflintstone]

Thanks for your message. Sounds like your consultant trained at the same place as mine for people skills!

He said chances were 10-15%. I was really confused as that was very different from embryologist comments but he said he knows me well - I think he was trying to say if just second cycle it could be more positive but taking both together paints a bleaker picture. I definitely dont want false hope so am glad he was very honest, but hard to take. We have got copies of our notes so will pay for a second opinion. Outcome will probably be the same but I dont feel like I trust our clinic now.

Sorry to hear you didnt get any eggs. Hope you are ok xx

[Allybally81]

I know how you feel, we started on IVF years ago, tried stimulating my ovaries, knew it was going to be a toughly as my FSH level was high for someone (then) in their 20s. At my scan appointment the nurse called a consultant in, I was still lying down, legs in stirrups to be told there was nothing more hey could do as I had gone into ovarian failure, only chance would be using a donated egg. To say I was upset was an understatement. she said her peice then left the room leaving myself and husband in complete bewilderment.

The nursing staff were left to pick up the pieces, was told to go abroad and they could easily match me to a donar, again not really what I wanted to be hearing or dealing with.

I'm a nurse myself and to see the lack of compasssion is so hard to take, yes you want clear information but in such a heartless mannor? No.

If my journey is successful I hope to go into assisted conception myself as having first hand experienced I feel would allow a better insight into couples journeys.

Wishing you well, take time to digest everything, I took a few years out to get my head around having a donar egg

Xxx

[El1a80 in reply to Allybally81]

Thanks for your reply. Sounds like you had an awful experience. I hope your ok. Im 37 so dont really want to leave it much longer if we are going to consider donor eggs but as you say something you need time to get your head around. I think for now we will get a second opinion and keep working at processing it all.

I definitely think having support from a nurse who has been through it would be great so good luck if you decide on this career path. Our other consultant was really rude to my husband when he didnt come in for transfer and referred to him as my scaredy cat husband in theatre before I pointed out I had asked him not to come in. Rude and judgemental with clearly no understanding of what it is like to go through this.

anyway, enough moaning from me I think! Hope you have success if you go down the donor egg route xx

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to El1a80]

Wow, your consultant sounds horrendous. I should def get a second opinion. I can't imagine anyone at my clinic behaving so disrepectfully. If you post where you are based you might be able to get some private message recommendations from others?

[El1a80 in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

Thanks for your message. There are a couple of places locally that have been recommended so will definitely get a second opinion just so we know for sure and can make some decisions. Best of luck with your journey xx

[Cinderella5]

How awful for you to get the shock news of this with very little tact or sympathy! Must have been very difficult to hear and to process. I must say I think the consultants in our clinic all g with the embryologist was pretty brutal with us from the very start. It really p!$$ed me off....all I could hear at every step was "at your age it's likely to be egg quality"....repeated very frequently! I do however think that at least I didn't have any high expectations but it didn't stop the disappointment of getting a failure. We didn't ask success rates at this time but looking back I wish we had. On our final consultation, even although we managed to get 2 expanding blasts on cycle 2 and a good blast on cycle 3, we were told our success rates were 5%.😫 I had no idea that it was so low!! We had already moved onto a DE cycle so we didn't have too much thinking about it as they'd always impressed on egg quality likely being an issue. It's truly gutting to hear and accept but be kind to yourselves, lots of hugs and talking. I do hope in time you can process everything you've been told. Sending you a big cuddle!xx

[El1a80 in reply to Cinderella5]

Thanks for your reply and kind words. I always knew ivf wasnt a guarantee but didnt expect such low percentages either, its such a shock. I wish they could have identified this earlier so we didnt have to go through the rollercoaster of ivf but at least we have some answers. I think im open to donor eggs but my husband isnt sure, too soon to make those decisions I think.

Best of luck with your donor cycle, really hope it goes well. Are you doing it abroad or in uk? Xx

[Cinderella5 in reply to El1a80]

Yes early days to be thinking ahead when you've just had the news. I think as we were told from our first cycle that things weren't look great we were always thinking ahead. It was the opposite for us, my hubby was open to DE and I thought I was but was still praying for a miracle which didn't happen. It just took a little longer for me accept once it was real but seeing so many other ladies getting BFP with DE helped a great deal! Just take some time out to have time with each other and see where your thoughts and chats take you, just enjoy each other for a bit!! Thanks for your well wishes, we're heading out to Athens so off to the sun....kind of a holiday mixed in with treatment!xx

[Fredaflintstone]

Just to add that we're having donor egg treatment where the odds are much higher. Took a little time to get our heads around it but now we want it more than anything. Wishing you lots of luck for your next steps xxx

[El1a80 in reply to Fredaflintstone]

Thank you, its definitely something I wouldn't rule out but need some time to think about it. Best of luck with your journey, really hope it goes well for you xxx

[Hannah_J]

Hi, it's good that you've decided to have a second opinion. Maybe those as*holes were wrong 😠

I have a question though. If your eggs are of medium quality, is it possible to go in for surrogacy? If you're OK with it, of course. Because I think that this way the babe will have your genes, although he/she will not be carried by you. Have you ever thought of that?