Day ahead with best friend plus baby

Morning everyone

Hope you're as well as can be. Today I have a day ahead with my best friend. She has a 10 month old baby who happened to arrive the same week that I was told something was not right and I was referred to specialist. My friend knows everything that is going on. However, when I see her, her little one is literally handed to me for the whole day, I feed her, change her, bathe her. Feels a little bit like 'while you can't have kids, here, enjoy mine'.

I know my friend means well, I think she wants to share the joy of a baby. But it's bittersweet isn't it?? I love this baby and some days I thrive in having her, but other days I just don't want to do it. Can't bring myself to say to my friend that I want to give her back, especially as I see my friend relaxing and probably enjoying the peace from motherhood for a few hours. As I say I love my friend, but I find her quite naive, she conceived on second month of trying so while she tries there's little understanding from her. There's usually quite a few fly away comments, such as 'let's try and have maternity leave together next time!' or 'I can't wait for you to get pregnant!'. You know the sort....

I guess I'm posting this today just to get me through the day, I know there's listening ears on here who really understand and just knowing that will help me be the friend I want to be today.

Hope you have a good weekend 😘😘

18 Replies

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  • Totally been there and 100% feel same as you! The naievity of some people can be the most frustrating part, they don't have a clue of the struggles, failures and heartbeak. I find a common one is it'll happen for you soon I can feel itπŸ™ˆ

    However, in saying that I know the majority of people mean well and I'm sure like me you've learned to bite your tongue on many an occasion for this reason.

    You can do it!! Filter out the naive comments and enjoy the fun parts of the day 😘

  • Thank you, it has made me wonder if I have overestimated how much she could understand, she would probably be gutted if she knew I felt like this sometimes. It can just feel a bit rubbish when she talks about baby number 2 and she's actually very careless when it comes to contraception. I do my best to be happy for her because if the boot was on the other foot then I would probably be equally as naive. My husband sometimes tells me off cause when she says 'it'll happen for you I know it' I can be quite cynical when she's probably trying to do what she can to comfort me really.

    I've popped to the shop and bought the baby a little gift so even if I don't always feel it she can see that I am actually very grateful to be a part of the little ones life.

    Thank you I'm sure the day will all be alright 😊 xxx

  • It sounds like you have a good relationship with your friend. My best friend couldn't accept I needed time to come to terms with our infertility which happened to coincide with her falling pregnant very easily. She resented me for not being able to be the buzzy happy person I usually am and consequently our friendship ended. I'd also just lost my dad and my mother in law was very poorly so I was generally feeling incredibly low and the infertility just compounded that. It sounds though that you have a much better relationship though so could you say on those days that are particularly hard that it's lovely to see her but today is a tough day. Perhaps then she will begin to realise that infertility is a rollercoaster of grief. Some days you feel strong but other days you feel scared and when presented with what might not be it is really hard. I'm sure she'll be understanding as she sounds sweet. Perhaps just say that it's not helpful although she means well when she says things like I want us to be pregnant together. x

  • Thank you, and I'm so sorry you haven't had the support you deserve from your friend. Infertility is a truly powerful and crushing concept that can be underestimated so much by those on the 'outside'. A shame she couldn't sympathise more given your other circumstances too. I feel quite sorry for my husband cause I keep brave face on when I see her then the tears usually come afterwards. Maybe letting my guard down a bit more in front of her will help her understand things from my point of view, and she will sense that it's a tough day. We are making the effort to see her today because we have results coming up on friday, while my apprehension is going through the roof I think I'd rather deal with seeing her today rather than next weekend. I hope you still have all the support you need, be it with other friends, your family or of course on here. So far I have found the support on here totally invaluable, as much as I'd love to meet everyone on here I think the neutrality of an anonymous site makes it so much easier to be honest and have the opportunity to just say how you're feeling πŸ’œ xxx

  • Thanks Hun. It was really hard to lose that friendship but I was always the strong one so we'd never really got to the point where I suddenly felt very fragile. It didn't help that I chose to keep my dad's death a secret from her as it was the week of her wedding. Without going into it, it was her second wedding but first marriage so she was incredibly anxious and I didn't want her to worry about me. When I eventually started to deal with my grief, I just needed some time out from everything really. She couldn't handle that and made me feel like the worse person on earth telling me I'd abandoned her when she needed me which made me need more time out. It sounds though as your friendship is more balanced though. Your friend sounds very caring and probably would love to know a little more about what it's like. I've been lucky and have another friend who asks me how I feel and checks in when others make comments to see if they've upset me. This friend is a midwife though and has a broader perspective on motherhood as she has seen desperately sad situations as well as ladies who probably shouldn't be having children for various reasons having them. Test the water a little and tell her something that's not huge and see how she reacts perhaps. All the best. Oh and if you want to come and let it all out later on here or pm me, then please do. x

  • Thank you. I'm sorry to hear your friend reacted in that way, I guess her own issues to her were absolutely everything and sometimes that can give people a blinkered view to what else might be going on around them. I think in our journeys we learn to be very empathetic to others, whatever their story. The togetherness of this forum amazes me. I actually told my friend tonight about the forum and then went on to feel a bit guilty cause I didn't want her feeling she isn't giving me adequate support. I didn't go into great detail about my involvement but just said how it's helped me feel less isolated with it all. I tell her what I can about things cause she is genuinely interested, although admittedly days like today it can be harder cause her husband is around and is less engaged in the whole thing. I think because she's a mum her maternal instinct and caring ways make her want to understand, despite her naivety sometimes to how significant it all actually is. Anyways a big hug from her as we left and her telling me to ring her on friday to tell her how the consultation goes was a nice note to end on. I'm glad to hear of your friend who is the midwife, I'm sure she understands very well. I praise her for doing a job like that, I imagine it's so rewarding but knowing what she knows about the difficulties of infertility then seeing new parents who perhaps shouldn't be takes a lot of sensitivity and courage to remain so caring and doing the job so well.

    Thank you again for your support, it helped me through the day xxx 😘

  • Not at all. You're absolutely right about blinkered views. I'm sure your friend will just be pleased you have this forum. It sounds as though she is really trying to be supportive to you. I'm glad you left on a positive. Let me know how you get on on Friday. x

  • Gosh I've been here. And I've experienced the other way round. The thinking they aren't handing me baby, leaving me alone with or letting me help because of finding out using my eggs would be hard. Every time I wasn't in the baby 'events' or invited (or assuming not invited) I wanted to scream. The same as when I felt like a pity party and being over-handed the baby.

    I don't think you can win. But I do think if you're pal is as understanding and close as she seems to be then you'll be able to talk to her xx

  • Thank you, I see what you mean about the other way around. Without sounding like a jealous cowbag I've also found it quite hard to see my friend joining mum and baby groups and making lots of new friends with babies. But then I don't think I'd really want to be a part of that at the moment. I've been to her water babies class a couple of times and it tugged on the heart strings more than ever before. Equally pity parties are not my idea of fun!

    So glad I found this forum to say what I feel and not feel bad for my honesty. I wish you luck on your trip still, I've been watching your posts with fascination. Lots of love 😘

  • Yep. Making new 'mum' friends... that's hard to watch. I worry that we'll have nothing in common soon! And then get mad and determined not to do it when I'm a mum! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I cannot win! x

  • I know, the groups seem so so lovely and I'm just sad not to be a part of it yet. I'm determined to keep my friendships all exactly the same as they are now and not go too bad when the time comes to do baby groups. You're right though, even with the success and the result we want we will still be worrying far too much with how to handle that bit! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  • It gets easier when their kids get older! Just saying!

  • It's a bit late now Sarah but I hope today has gone ok & not been upsetting for you. We definitely understand how you feel and I think sometimes you don't even know how you'll feel till that day.

    If she's a good friend could you say something if it's getting too much..just something like 'I know you're only being a good friend & positive but I do worry that it won't work sometimes and I just need you to be there for me & just listen'

    It's certainly bittersweet so you have to put yourself first sometimes, it's just self protection when you're going through so much. Big hugs xx

  • Thank you so much. It's thanks to you ladies I've been quite open with her this evening about things. I still joined her with bathing and changing the baby getting her ready for bed but this time we did it together and just nattered our way through it. There were the odd cmoments from her but I think she gathered from my apprehension re. the next stage our of journey that I don't get my hopes up and am very much trying to prepare myself for whatever challenges may come our way. Thanks again for your support 😘 xxx

  • How did your day go? Hope it went ok x

  • Hiya, thank you. It went well, I took the baby a new little toy and we shared her around today (me, my husband, my friend and her husband). They still wanted me to bath and get her ready for bed but we did it together this time. We had quite a lot of time there so inevitably conversation about our situation came up so I was as honest as I could be about my apprehension for consultation on friday so I think the message may have got through and she realised it's a really sensitive time at the moment. Thank you for the support I think talking about it on here first took away some of the soreness of it all 😘😘 xxx

  • You can be the friend you want to be! Well done! She obviously finds great support from you.

    Having said that, maybe next time she says a hurtful comment, you could gently tell her how it makes you sad when she says things like that. She doesn't know, she can't know because she's never been through it, but if I were her I would want to be told if I were accidentally hurting my friend through trying to make positive comments and not realising their effect.

  • You're right, I should pluck up the courage to say it really rather than hoping that she takes the hint when I don't respond as excitedly as her. Like you, if I were her I'd want to know. I think telling her about the forum has helped her realise how much support is valued in this journey, and how it's so much more than just hoping for the best and thinking that everything will just happen. Thanks for your advice, the next step will be when we get some results and going through that with her xxx

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