Buying items for a baby we don't have...

So when we first started trying in 2014 we were both incredibly excited about the thought of having a baby, and slowly but surely started oohing and aahing over the baby clothes and little items we loved and would buy.... we'd pick up a little something every now and then only when they were in the sales for the when we got pregnant maybe that month or next (well what we thought would be) which just didn't happen!

I started off a little box of things and gradually after around 18months got the hint from my body this was not going to be an easy ride for us, by this time the little box had gradually filled itself and there were many items in there, not significant by any means but things I loved and wanted to get for when the time came..... that time never came and I stopped buying little bits and pieces and stashed the box well away from sight.

I haven't added to it in well over a year, but somehow now we have the great news that we are starting ICSI treatment within the next few weeks I find myself in the shops buying things again - although, I don't go out of my way to go to these shops to intentionally buy things!

Like today I popped into Mamas and Papas to pick up a baby rattle toy for my niece for easter, I purposefully ordered it online but then chose to pick it up in-store as it was cheaper than postage and not far from home, all was fine until I found myself aimlessly wandering around the store picking up little toys that were in the sale to pop into the box! I've now come home with a few pram/baby gym toys and a blanket, and am extremely upset and annoyed and questioning why i do it to myself!

I feel like i'm the only one that does this and its rather an odd thing to do isn't it? Just feeling a little disheartened and we still have a slight wait to get to our next appointment, the time is passing slowly and i feel myself becoming agitated easily and am sliding down a slope into overthinking everything all over again!

[Pandash]

I am in the EXACT same position. We started trying in 2014, and I started just, not being able to help myself. I gradually filled a little box full of things, and then, same as you, it became clear that things weren't going to be that easy. Then it started to be something that taunted me. I would go through the things and just, cry. Then I did what you did - put it away and forgot about it for a year. Recently, I too have found myself going through it again. I bought more items late last year when we found out about our appointment too. You aren't alone. Hopefully one day our baby boxes will come out of the cupboard and we can feel elation at putting the things on our own tiny person xxx

[Hidden in reply to Pandash]

Your right it is a taunt, my box taunted me so much I had to put it out of sight I too would go through it sobbing my heart out when times were really tough, I just don't know why I do it to myself! I'm glad I'm not the only one out there and like you said one day our baby boxes will come out and we can put the things we've collected on our little people and have all the elation in the world doing it!

[Pandash in reply to Hidden]

Looking on it now, maybe going through the box and crying is a cathartic thing - sometimes I find it hard to express my feelings and it helped me get out the emotions I'd had bottled up. Maybe we just needed an outlet for our tears!

[NDE1987]

Oh hunny your not alone!! My husband brought an arsenal kit for a baby when we started our ivf and i brought a baby bag from John Lewis with wedding vouchers that were going to run out. When our ivf failed i felt so stupid and angry at myself for allowing myself to actually buy baby stuff! I gave the bag away to my aunt who actually had a baby a few months after. Your not alone in the way your feeling xx

[Hidden in reply to NDE1987]

It's so frustrating though, I have so much stuff that now if it never happens for us I'll have to give it away and I've spend a good couple of hundred pound when you add it all up 😔 I'm glad I'm not the only one that does this though, why do we torture ourselves! I wish I didn't do it but I can't help myself! It's my way of holding onto hope I think!

[katya38]

I've got a couple of small things that I've bought over the years but it is so tempting. I'm also a teacher so have things that I've kept for my own children. Think I had a full drawer full of stuff . We are now going through adoption process and I've finally set out box room up as a wee playroom for my 2 nieces. Which feels nice but won't be buying anything for our child until we are matched. I just can't wait for that! Xx

[Hidden in reply to katya38]

I'm a children's nurse I work with children who have complex health care needs and have bought so many toys for sensory purposes with the thought that I can keep a lot of it for when I have my own children, so almost use it as an excuse to buy stuff, at this rate I'll be giving it all away, I panic myself sometimes that there's too much stuff that I've bought even though it all fits in a box. Ah that's so lovely you are adopting, how exciting!

[Tugsgirl]

You're actions are totally understandable. However I couldn't bring myself to buy anything before ever seeing a bfp. I did buy one thing that I fell in love with during my last tww but I bought it the day after my bfp. It was a little white coat, with a hood and little ears on top. It was so so soft. I put it in my wardrobe for my baby. However last week we discovered I was having a missed miscarriage and I had surgery on Thursday. I couldn't bare to look at that little coat anymore. Yes it taunted me. I knew I would just keep going back to it and crying over it so I have asked my Mum to take it away for safe keeping. X

[Hidden in reply to Tugsgirl]

I honestly don't know how it started I think we got caught up in the excitement and then I just carried on, until it started to destroy me and then I stopped, but now I feel I'm slipping again and am so upset with myself, I love to be organised and have things ready and planned but I feel I'm doing it for nothing right now and could be doing it for a very long time!

I'm so sorry you had a missed miscarriage, I hope your starting to heal just a little xx

[tiger-cub]

Oh all of us go through this in some form or other. I was working in a company which made children products. When I first fell pregnant in 2012 I hoarded so much. When I miscarriage at 9 weeks I put all of them in a box and kept away from sight. And promised myself not to buy anymore until I hold a baby. But recently one of my close friends who was suffering from infertility even from before me and I had wished she hrs her baby before me . After 4 miscarriage and 3 ivf she carried a baby full term. And I had to buy stuff for d baby . I was emotional buying for d baby but my husband was angry . I guess it's his way expressing hope his emotion. Every time she sends me a pic I love him to bits but then I start crying.

[Hidden in reply to tiger-cub]

I am definitely hoarding! And feel so angry with myself that I've done it, I'm torturing myself! My best friend is pregnant expecting her first after not even trying and I've mentioned that she can have everything off me but she won't take it, so it's all sat in a box out of sight, some things have been there almost 2 1/2 years now and that's so upsetting for me, I've given bits away along the line too when many friends and family have had babies I've just taken stuff out of it rather than go and buy stuff in the shops for them. One day maybe I'll be able to get it all out and decorate a nursery with everything I've chosen.

[tiger-cub]

I completely understand my dear. Don't b hard on urself. Just hide them away. And I've started presenting gift cards instead . Bcoz I feel it's lots easier for me than to actually buy stuff I dont wanna buy .

[romaluna2015]

Hello you are not the only one I have 4 boxes full of baby items we have had a really rocky journey with 3 pregnancies all resulting in losses so have accumulated many things including bouncer , swing and play mats and lots of clothes . I still pick up the odd item when I see something neutral I like. X

[Hidden in reply to romaluna2015]

I send myself crazy sometimes thinking I'm the only one that is acting this way, and then get so upset about it. I feel so much more reassured that there are others in my position, my husband doesn't see anything wrong in it, he thinks it's my way of dealing with why we're going through and it'll all be used in time. So sorry that you've had 3 losses, must be so hard to come to terms with. Xx

[romaluna2015 in reply to Hidden]

I often say to my husband it will not get used. And he is always saying it will do it will all work out eventually. Your not going mad at all . I think it's a natural thing to do when you want something so much . Thank you.. as odd as it sounds I have kind of learnt to deal with the appointments and the losses each time I have dealt with it differently I had my first Miss carriage with my ex and then had 3 with my husband x

[romaluna2015]

I no longer have it all here for now. It's all at my mother in law's house . Xx

[Music1]

I think it's very normal. When I first started out on IVF I signed up to every baby and mum website in advance and then started looking around for little things here and there for the 'nursery' which we don't have. Even this time round which failed (my 4th try) I was looking online at cots and monitors and even get little things pop up on pinterest on nursery ideas etc. I had a small box of baby clothes which I kept and added to for over 5 years as I kept thinking 'next time'. I now have a few small items of clothes and toys and a pram. The only thing I want I can't have - a baby. The number of times I have walked around John Lewis or other baby stores and just wanted to be 'normal' and buy things.

Just put them aside and out of mind, stay clear if you can. You are not alone. xx

[Hidden in reply to Music1]

It's so difficult isn't it? I'm so sorry you've had failed rounds, it's never as easy sailing as they first make out, we're extremely excited that it's all progressing the right way but still feel quite reserved to the fact that it may not happen first time. I look at things all the time online but never buy, it's when I'm shopping or pop in somewhere is when I tend to pick things up, I'm finding it difficult with my best friend as she's wanting to buy everything now she's 20 weeks and she doesn't know we're starting ICSI soon so to say no to going with her through her lovely journey is very difficult, I just can't tell her yet as she caught first month of trying and she'll never fully understand.

[Music1 in reply to Hidden]

It is really difficult. I guess if you're looking online you can put them in a basket or on a wish list and leave them there. If you're walking through shops it's so hard. When I gave a few items to a friend who was having a baby, sadly she just thought I was weird giving so much to her. Actually I didn't have the heart to say 'they were initially for my own little one, but in the end my oh and I thought it was best to give them to someone who could use them'. It broke my heart because she said " is this cos you can't have your own and chuckled'. She had no idea of our journey and I never once told her about ivf and how many times it had failed for us. When you get pregnant without trying you think it's easy for everyone else. Unless you're going through it or you've gone through it, others can never really understand. It's never as easy as they make out. We thought it would be the answer to our prayers and work for us, However, when it failed we were blown away. Our last attempt we used donor eggs - even my oh thought that would be it. 2 clinics recommended this route for us and still it failed. I wish you every success in the world. Don't give up hope. I can't imagine having to support a friend who was pregnant. I cry at the drop of a hat when I see babies and young families when I'm out shopping.

Stay strong and positive. Hoping it will work for you and you can both support each other later. Best wishes xx

[Leesalou]

I've have on Etsy's a massive favourite file of baby stuff so so cute lot of cute Ivf baby grows just glad most is abroad and charge way too much postage otherwise I'd of brought it all by now lol. I do have a little box with a tiny newborn babygrow that says mummy's miracle. It's in the box with my ivf book I've got for my 2nd cycle, then I also have a favourite folder of stuff for nursery , buggy car seats, etc lol and also i have a list of baby names that I like the list is however getting shorter and shorter as people I know friends / family etc have slowly pinch most of them lol

Good luck on your journey

And your not mad I think we all do it lol xx

[Katybetter]

I've only ever done this once (also Ben trying since 2014 though have stopped now) a bib & hat set. I've just put it in the charity box. I've also just thrown away the pregnancy tests and anything else that is supposed to help you fall pregnant. We have unexplained infertility & have stopped trying. So it seems silly to keep these things. I won't need them. Good luck in your journey x

[Hidden in reply to Katybetter]

I stopped all testing and anything that was supposed to help around 18months ago, I couldn't bear looking at the negative tests each month when my period was late, now I just know it'll arrive at some point. It'll happen when it's the right time for us now that's the way I see it. Giving yourself a break from it and stopping has really helped us in the last 3 months, we feel like we're starting to live a little again before we start treatment.

[KiraJean]

You are not the only one. Three years ago when we started trying to conceive I bought three baby books and a baby journal. They are now hidden in a cupboard. Right now I just can't bear to see them.

Hopefully someday all those baby clothes and items will be put to good use xx 😘🍀

[Hidden in reply to KiraJean]

I gave my baby books to my friend when she told me she was pregnant, my way of saying please don't ask me about anything pregnancy related! She's got the hints and we've come to an agreement that we only speak about it if I initiate the conversation so that she knows I'm in an ok place to talk about babies although, I find myself forcing it so that I don't completely ignore that she's pregnant, it's been very difficult!

[KiraJean in reply to Hidden]

For what it's worth, I think you are a good friend and being very brave. Maybe she will someday have the occasion to give those books back to you because you will need them too? You never know. Xxx ❤

[Hidden in reply to KiraJean]

It's made it a little easier knowing we're starting treatment soon I'm not sure if I'd be so brave if we were still struggling waiting for help, I haven't told her though and don't know when if ever will be the right time to tell her, she'll be annoyed with me but I don't want to tell her of our upcoming treatment and have her knowing what we're going through knowing she's had a very healthy and quick pregnancy so far!