People can be so thoughtless πŸ˜’

Hi everyone, just needed a little rant sorry! Over the weekend we went to see my MIL for the first time since our chemical pregnancy the weekend before. It was all planned and she knew what time we were coming. When we got there she was sat in the front reception room with my BIL even though they usually sit in the back one. As soon as we walked in our eyes landed on a huge box containing a buggy, and a number of mammas and papas bags, obviously all belonging to my SIL and her partner. I'm not sure if my MIL has purchased these things for them or if they had just had them delivered there but I found it really difficult..we had hoped we'd be soon buying these things for our baby and I got really choked.

It's just frustrating that she knew we would see them (you couldn't miss them!) and just didn't think that it would probably upset us and why couldn't she just put them (or us) in the other room 😩

You think people, particularly close family, have finally 'got it' especially when they know what's happened and how upset we've been, then they surprise you by being so thoughtless. I know it's just a fact that there will soon be a new baby in the family that isn't ours, and there are going to be lots of things we have to deal with during the pregnancy and afterwards but it would be easier if people were a little more sensitive!

My hubby was quite cross afterwards (not like him at all) and wanted to say something to his mum but I never want to rock the boat and make it look like I'm not happy for my SIL because I am. It's so hard isn't it! I think I'm also finding it hard because we have no idea what's next for us and we're really struggling to decide.

Thanks for listening lovelies xx

41 Replies

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  • that must have been so difficult. I think there is a lack of understanding on how difficult the situation is.xx

  • Thanks Lauren, there definitely is. Recently she has seemed to have got it finally then something happens that makes you think, maybe not 😳 x

  • i find it difficult so share my story with friends and family as i have had nothing but bad experiences x

  • πŸ˜” so sorry to hear that, it's so hard when those closest to us only end up disappointing just makes an already difficult journey even harder doesn't it xx

  • definitely, i don't think people can even comprehend what we go through x

  • That is very rough indeed. You are right, people just don't think and I can imagine how upsetting walking into that must have been. One of my friends (she's 59) has just been made a grandmother and she is sending me pictures of the baby every day, which is freaking me out a bit BUT she doesn't know about my situation so I really cannot blame her. When you know better, you do better, so your MIL and BIL should be hyper-sensitive to how you may be feeling at this very sad time.

    Really sorry! People can be maddeningly disappointing at times xx

  • Thank you CountryCat, yeah I was just disheartened that they just didn't think, to me it's obvious and I know I shouldn't expect the same from everyone but they really know how devastated we've been.

    Sorry you have to go through that too, it's so hard when people don't know. It's hard to know whether to just tell them.

    Thanks for your support xx

  • So hard that you had to go through that, I think there is still such a taboo around miscarriage and infertility that people don't realise just how much of a struggle emotionally and physically it is for us. What can seem like the smallest thing to them relating to pregnancy is actually a massive hurdle for us to have to deal with and often a lot of shattered dreams come flooding back x

  • So true, thanks E_05 xx

  • I am so so sorry. Felt so sad on your behalf reading this xxx

  • Thanks Coracle, you don't know if you're being over sensitive or not but it did really hurt xx

  • I'm so sorry you had to deal with that, I know what it's like to feel that way, my sister had her third baby on the day I would have been due, but unfortunately we had a miscarriage. I got so upset seeing all the new baby things even though I was happy for her and happy to have a beautiful new nephew. I still couldn't help feeling so sad that all of these things, beautiful baby clothes and gifts from everyone were not for our baby. It's so difficult and I think people honestly just don't understand and have the sensitivity that we need when we are so fragile. Sending you lots of strength and a big hug. xx

  • Thank you Hun, so sorry that you've had to deal with that. It must be so hard that it was that day and especially when your sister has 3 children, you're happy for then but it does all feel so unfair.

    Does it get easier once the baby is here? I'm worried I won't cope so well with that xxx

  • You know something, I was terrified going up to the hospital to meet my new nephew because I was afraid I would feel overwhelmingly jealous and possibly cry in front of everyone but that didn't happen at all. I just absolutely fell in love with him as soon as I saw him. I'm very close to my sister and all my nephews and I try and look at it differently now, when I see him I try not to think, my baby should be here too but we'll have a gorgeous baby like this sometime and that's all to look forward to. I hope you find it ok as well when the baby arrives. It can be hard but I try so hard to keep positive. xx

  • I'm so glad and I hope I feel the same xx

  • I think it does get easier once the baby arrives. I just love spending time with my nieces now but I found it really hard when my SIL was pregnant with the eldest one. But babies are just so loveable, you can't help but adore them. And they grow very quickly into small people with strong personalities that you just can't help but enjoy (and sometimes watch and feel glad you don't have to take it home when it is screaming... dare I say it?!)

  • Haha! You're only being honest Lizzie! Thank you, I'm sure I'll feel the same xx

  • I do hope so. It's so hard right now though isn't it? Xx

  • It is, you feel like a terrible person because they're excited as they absolutely should be and you don't want to taint that but it's just a struggle while it's so raw isn't it xx

  • Not what you needed. Sometimes there are so many reminders around us. I kept on seeing pregnant women everywhere after my mcs but at least I could avoid them whereas you couldn't really avoid the buggy, bags etc. I don't suppose they did it on purpose and hopefully realised the hurt experienced. A friend has just become a grandma and I saw her today. She asked if I was alright to look at the photos. I was but it was nice of her to check.

  • Thanks pm, yes I could definitely have done without it but I know things are going to keep happening and I know it wasn't intentional, I guess it's just the not thinking that hurts. So glad your friend is so thoughtful xx

  • Not what you needed to say πŸ’”πŸ’”

  • Could definitely have done without it Hun! I know I have to face these things, it's just a bit raw right now πŸ™ Hope you're ok xx

  • Yes i can imagine πŸ’” I am ok just nervous as my OTD tomorrow 😬

  • Oh gosh I didn't realise it's tomorrow, sooo much luck, it simply has to work for you πŸ™πŸ» Xxx

  • Got everything crossed thanks x

  • Sometimes it's always the places you feel safest which shock and hurt the most. Big hugs xx

  • That's absolutely true emu. Hope you're ok & enjoying being newly pregnant xx

  • I'm struggling. :( feel so selfish and ungrateful for saying it. But riddled with panic that it's not going to have worked by the time I get to the scan. Which I think is good if I'm to protect myself. But wishing I could relax.

    Here's hoping your next step has a good outcome xx

  • Oh no 😒Totally understandable though, when you've been through so much to get there like we have. Hopefully after your scan you'll be a bit more relaxed then even more so the one after that xx

  • That was pretty insensitive, but I think we can all relate to insensitivity on this journey people just don't get it, these past few days my hubby and I have had comments like, oh you can put your love onto other things in life,a mean you could buy a dog!!!! REALLY😑 Or my friends daughter said she would be an oven for you😑😑😑 that was from close family members!! Sometimes your better not saying to much!! and we defo won't with the next step forward whatever we decide, good luck moving forward, keep believing πŸŒˆβ€πŸ’‹

  • People can be annoyingly flippant can't they, I think we all develop the patience of saints to cope with others as well as the whole business itself, if nothing else it hopefully makes us all a lot more compassionate. I hope you don't get any more of those maddening comments 😳 Xx

  • lol I must have jinxed myself, bearing in mind the only people that no my path are my immediate family and 2 of my closest friends, started bk work today all my house clients before tackling the shop tomorrow, my first clients daughter drops in, starts doing all this baby talk stuff!! I thought here we go!! I didn't engage whatsoever in the conversation, carried on as normal, then she casually says when is it you are due!!! I looked at her and sayd sorry!! She repeated,, I sayd sorry due what? She replied oh sorry, I can't remember who told me you were pregnant😑 I was like not me, part of me wanted to scream I have just failed an ivf cycle go bk tell ur gossip get there facts straight!! Really!!! I am definitely not telling family ither this time round only this forum will be my support and hubby xx

  • I hope you are feeling a bit better now. Totally understandable to be upset by that. It doesn't take much common sense to know that would be hurtful. I've experienced similar in my family but one of my aunts at least did contact me to let me know that her son and his wife were expecting and that she'd probably be announcing it on FB soon to help smooth the way for me. The kind things people do really do help too. I hope you have good news in the future too xx

  • Thanks Hun, glad to know I wasn't over reacting. Glad people have been sensitive with you, it definitely helps xx

  • Ah! I'm sorry that people are so insensitive. I get it from people who have no knowledge of your situation but your MIL should know better. My own mum did some really insensitive things when we were struggling. People just don't know how to handle it so they end up making it worse. Sending you love xxx

  • Thanks Sarah 😘Hope your pregnancy is going well xxx

  • No totally understandable reaction. Yes it does help if they are sensitive - either that or avoid them all lol xx

  • Thanks Hun, I'm definitely avoiding as much as I can without them thinking I've fallen off the face of the earth! Gotta do what you can to protect yourself haven't you xx

  • People just don't realise how upsetting miscarriage can be however far along the pregnancy was. I'm struggling with my fertility and about to start Chlomid and a few friends know and still say things in front of me that I wouldn't dream of saying if the shoe were on the other foot.

    Keep your chin up. X

  • So sorry you have to deal with comments & thoughtlessness too, I think if nothing else it makes us better, more compassionate people. Thank you 😘

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